Ex from 25 years ago

[motocrosswoman]

Long story short ex from 25 years ago friend requested me... .My life is great I have long term relationship and so does he. I accept friend request and in seconds sends how are you message. I get messages maybe 2 times a week for 3 weeks. Next thing I know every morning I'm getting good morning messages and numerous through out day and Goodnite also, nonstop. 6 weeks pass and he didn't like I said I'm treated like a queen, so here comes silent treatment. A week later I try to extend olive branch and nothing. 2 weeks later I get a message- in morning you are a jerk. I thought ok, I'll be the bigger person and act like nothing. In the meantime messaging me nonstop and checking my last active time stamp on Facebook. Which is weird. 2 months of nonstop good morning messages. I agree to meet him and he kisses me. I admit I liked it he said shouldn't have happened. I meet again and he stands far away and stares. Slowly messages stop for days, but just weird questions so I have to answer. I deleted him from Facebook, and I end up apologizing and now silent treatment. I feel guilty. He said I play games. I deleted him because I saw thru him and his games. He pretended to be sincere when I wouldn't answer and as  soon as I did he said now you pissed me off. Take care . I am so hurt, I guess I. Feel that I wouldn't have deleted him if I didn't. See his games, and he was making me feel weird. Now he said he's mad and I have no clue what going on in his life. I just at times felt we would be messaging and he would leave me hanging then act like nothing. Then he would message me you have gotten very quiet... .I never messaged him first ever and I think he was mirroring his actions. Why can't I get over this. I only apologized that one time and sent friend request back and said if you truly care and then I removed it and never messaged him again. Help

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Motocrosswoman:  

Who broke up 25 years ago?  Are you hurt because something was unresolved in your mind from 25 years ago?

What did you hope to accomplish by accepting his friend request and then meeting him in person?  Are you conflicted as to whether you want him in or out of your life?

[motocrosswoman]

Caught him cheating with married woman, 10 years older than us we were only 21, he broke up her marriage. I threw him out and never looked back or gave it a second thought.he married her and raised her 2 kids. She divorced him after 20 years. He said 3 weeks later he met his finance online. He is engaged for 6 years. He caught me off guard with friend request I thought why not, I have no ill will toward him. Immediately he sent me a how's life message. That was that for a couple weeks, he would like everything I posted, then it stopped. He texted me 20 times a day looking for anything to message me.he wouldn't take no for an answer for meeting him. One time he sat along highway for me to stop. I didn't. I had no problem being friends with him on Facebook. But then the good mornings stopped and he was getting weird so I deleted him. Within 5 minutes he knew, sent 3 messages and as soon as he got up sent another wishing me the best and he sounded sincere, so I felt bad and said I was sorry for hurting him, I would be his friend. Then all of a sudden he became nasty and said I pissed him off and was playing games. I sent request and 2 days later, sent message I was sorry and was trying to fix this and he ignored me. I sent another message that this was so stupid, did he really not want to be friends, the ball was left that if you don't accept my friend request then I know you truly don't care. I never messaged again and removed my request the next day. I am still soo upset over this, I never contacted again, I just am dumbfounded. I believe that if you truly care people will not let you go. I feel like he conned me. I'm literally sick over this nonsense because in reality he is not in my life, only on my phone. I am educated have a great guy for 18 years and and I am successful he is not. How could this jerk get in my head and I allow him to still be in my mind. I can't stop thinking and hoping he will message me so I can ignore him to get my dignity back. I feel like a fool and I feel terrible that I deleted him. I also feel a descent person wouldn't treat me this way over Facebook... .Help

[motocrosswoman]

I have to say I liked as
Having him as a friend- I felt like we were close friends for 5 months. We became friends nothing more, we even said we would be lost without our friendship... .I miss the friendship, he was important to me.

[motocrosswoman]

I have to say also, we always stressed friends- one time I got a message that said not that you care but I want to have sex now... .I ignored him he did this numerous times. He always talked confusing and I just couldn't deal with it. That's not normal and something wasn't right. I have other exes and they don't message me just an occasional like. I felt that he was watching me on Facebook and he would check my log in times and if I wasn't on check if I was ok. One time and only once he begged me to tell him when I got home late I said no and he pleaded so he knew I was safe, I said I've been safe for 25 years but he begged so I complied that was the only time. Soo how can someone just throw me away so easily as a friend after all this? I am so hurt and I can't stop thinking nonstop.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey motocrosswoman:   

He always talked confusing and I just couldn't deal with it. That's not normal and something wasn't right. I have other exes and they don't message me just an occasional like  . . . .

I also feel a descent person wouldn't treat me this way over Facebook... .

I miss the friendship, he was important to me. Soo how can someone just throw me away so easily as a friend after all this? I am so hurt and I can't stop thinking nonstop.

Can you tell us in what way he is important to you at this time.  It had been 25 years on no contact (NC). Since he is currently engaged and you are in your own current long-term relationship, are you hoping to socialize with him along with your respective current partners? 

Some people who have personality disorders (or possess some traits of PD's), can be difficult to remain friends with.  Although some people successfully remain friends with ex's, after they move on to new relationships, others find it impossible to do that.

[Herodias]

Why would you want to get entangled in all of this? Someone told me once not to go digging around in the trash- she's right... .People don't change and he wasn't a very good person then and he sounds like he is toying with you now... .What are your intentions? The reason he came on strong and then pushed you away is because he is seeing if he can get away with mistreating you and if so, maybe you would be a good addition to his harem! Seriously, I can't tell you that for sure- but from what I know about narcissistic people and Facebook- that's usually the case.

[motocrosswoman]

Years ago he was kind- I asked him numerous times what happened to him that he was now bitter, he said life. I am a positive person, I just thought it would be cool to be friends, I never thought he would start this. I even told him that I was grateful for my life, because I have a good life. I figured he was young and dumb, and also that it seemed his life hadn't turned out that good, which I felt was because of breaking up a happy home, KARMA. He seemed sincere, but at the same time I found it weird that he would message a woman when he was engaged. He also called his life a situation that was good for his daughter. He at one time took a picture of the back of his ex wife that he cheated on me with. He talked VERY bad saying he hoped she broke her legs and drowned which I thought was weird. My boyfriend knew about him messaging me, but not the weird stuff. I have a good guy. The first silent treatment my boyfriend said he's a jerk. My boyfriend doesn't act this way and that's when I thought why would I talk to an ex that did. I didn't want to hang out with him, I just thought it was neat for us to be friends and for awhile it was. I thought it was weird if I was somewhere he would send a picture of himself or record songs from the radio with a specific line, now when I hear the song he is in my mind. He also told me he got close with a woman from his daughters baseball but he stopped it before it went farther. All these things were red flags and I saw thru all of it and that's why I deleted him. Now I feel terrible, guilt and I'm doubting myself- maybe I over exaggerated. But if he was sincere he would have wanted resolution not the silent treatment. I'm a strong person, so why do I need validation that all this is wrong and I'm not the wrong one. In life I'm strong and have a voice, and I don't take any nonsense from anyone. I am respected by my colleagues and everyone else.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 motocrosswoman  

It's common to NOT get validation from a person who has a personality disorder.  There is, also, a tendency for people who cheat, to repeat that behavior.  The thrill of the chase can be exciting and that may be behind your ex's actions.  Also, people with personality disorders commonly use a push/pull behavior.  

I'm so glad you have a wonderful partner now.  I can see that if you have had good results with maintaining friendships with prior partners, that you would hope to re-establish a friendship with your ex from 25 years ago.  Some people with behavior problems don't change, if they fail to acknowledge they have a problem.  I'm thinking that is the case with your ex. Social media and people with personality disorders are a bad combination.  

Probably best to focus on the good thing in you life - your current partner, healthy friends, job, etc.  We can't fix others.  We can only control ourselves and how we interact and react.  Take some time and read some helpful information.  If you continue to struggle with your thoughts of your ex, perhaps some therapy could help you understand why you are having a problem letting go of him again.

The book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", might be helpful to read:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56740.0

To the upper right of this post, are several links to useful information.  That information might be useful.  I've added a few links below that might help as well:

MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS
MEMORY MGMT. - TOOLS - DEALING WITH RUMINATIONS
FOG
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