Saying "I Love You" While Leaving

[Depression = 72% of members]

Anyone else's exBPD continue saying "I love you" right up until the very end? I'm in NC as of five weeks ago, when we had our final "this has got to stop" conversation after ten months of trying to be friends/maybe reconcile. They were among her final words to me: "I love you".

WHAT?  

[MapleBob]

Anyone else's exBPD continue saying "I love you" right up until the very end? I'm in NC as of five weeks ago, when we had our final "this has got to stop" conversation after ten months of trying to be friends/maybe reconcile. They were among her final words to me: "I love you".

WHAT?  

[Lonely_Astro]

Mine has said it, multiple times.  As recent as this past Friday, even though she has a new BF.

Do I doubt she loves me?  No.  I honestly think she does, but it's an unhealthy way.  Don't get me wrong, many in here had a rougher experience with their exes than I did.  J isn't an outward rage type, so if she ever thought bad stuff about me, she never verbalized it.

Anyway, I do believe she loves me.  I also believe she wishes things were different (she's told me this before), in that she wished she wasn't afflicted and could love me like I deserve.  It's weird like that.  She once told me that she walked away from me because she knew she'd continue to hurt me and I didn't deserve that. 

So, yes, I do believe she loves me; she set me free so I could be happy.  No, I don't think she's a martyr for this, after all she brought our end.  But I guess I should thank her for having enough gumption to release me like that, if that makes sense.

[fromheeltoheal]

I told my ex I loved her as I was leaving, which was true for me at the time, although with time it became clear that I was in love with the fantasy version of her in my head, who I wanted her to be and thought she could be.  Well, she wasn't and couldn't be, and although I loved her I wasn't in love with her and didn't want a relationship with her, I was clear on that, but obviously a conflict which took a while to resolve.

You guys gave it a shot Maple, 10 months worth, and if an empowering relationship was possible, wouldn't it have become clear in that time?  And apparently it isn't possible, so is it possible to accept that she loves you, or at least says she does, and be OK with that, since a relationship isn't possible?  When you think about it that beats the hell out of 'I hate you', yes?

[MapleBob]

You guys gave it a shot Maple, 10 months worth, and if an empowering relationship was possible, wouldn't it have become clear in that time?  And apparently it isn't possible, so is it possible to accept that she loves you, or at least says she does, and be OK with that, since a relationship isn't possible?  When you think about it that beats the hell out of 'I hate you', yes?

Well, yes and no. I guess that "I love you" is more honoring of our relationship than "I hate you", but... .I feel like I made my best effort and she didn't. In our last few months of contact she was continually saying that she wanted to let go of her (irrational) anger/sadness about me, but that it was just a slow process, and the timing was bad, and circumstance was against us, and that the dynamic wasn't changing fast enough, and that she was wrong about so many things, and a lot of other dramatic and, well, irrational things. But temporal things.

I'm trying to detach, but the thought of her coming back later, when things are more settled with her, haunts me.

[Lonely_Astro]

I told my ex I loved her as I was leaving, which was true for me at the time, although with time it became clear that I was in love with the fantasy version of her in my head, who I wanted her to be and thought she could be.  Well, she wasn't and couldn't be, and although I loved her I wasn't in love with her and didn't want a relationship with her, I was clear on that, but obviously a conflict which took a while to resolve.

You guys gave it a shot Maple, 10 months worth, and if an empowering relationship was possible, wouldn't it have become clear in that time?  And apparently it isn't possible, so is it possible to accept that she loves you, or at least says she does, and be OK with that, since a relationship isn't possible?  When you think about it that beats the hell out of 'I hate you', yes?

Relationships are complicated, aren't they?  So many of us here don't hear anything at all or hear "I hate you" from their exes.  Where as others, like me, hear "I love you" instead.  But the sting is the same, isn't it?  :)o I love J?  Yes, I do.  :)o I wish that she was (I mean really was) the J she gave me?  Absolutely.  If she were, I wouldn't be here today.  The fact is, she is to an extent that J, but she's also not... .all at once.  

Hearing "I love you" when you love them is harder, I think, than hearing them say "I hate you".  Love offers hope.  It offers healing.  And if you're looking for those things, it leaves you vulnerable to more abuse.  I can say that if I knew that J was who she claimed to be with me and I knew, 100%, that were true... .no shifting emotions, no lying or deceiving, no ST because I did "something wrong"... .I would go back to her in a heartbeat.  But, that's me wishing her to be someone different, isn't it?  I mean I'm saying "if only she were THIS person instead of who she REALLY is, we'd be great".  I'm sure she would say the same thing about me.  Plus, if she weren't disordered, odds are we would've never been to start with.

[Pretty Woman]

She was LEAVING me for someone else and while dumping me told me I was the "love of her life" and her best friend.

?

A week after our break up I asked her if she loved this new woman. She tells me: "I love her so much. She is amazing. I have never been so connected to someone! She is the most interesting person I have ever met! She is soo deep."

I, being rational know there is no way this is love. I actually asked her this question, intentionally.

A week later after leaving a 4yr relationship she is now in love with a complete stranger. I also realize she never loved me. It's all NEED based. That's the crux of this disorder. I was boring. I was no longer putting up with her shytty behavior.

Words mean nothing. You have to take their ACTIONS at face value. After all that she moved on. Haven't heard a peep in over eight months... .after three years of on-again, off-again, cheating (her), lying (her) and stealing (her).

I consider myself lucky. Do BPD's love? Yes. But not like we do. We are simply toys on their shelf.

PW

[MapleBob]

I guess the tough part is that it makes me feel like it's 50/50 that she'll be back or not.

[Lonely_Astro]

She was LEAVING me for someone else and while dumping me told me I was the "love of her life" and her best friend.

?

A week after our break up I asked her if she loved this new woman. She tells me: "I love her so much. She is amazing. I have never been so connected to someone! She is the most interesting person I have ever met! She is soo deep."

I, being rational know there is no way this is love. I actually asked her this question, intentionally.

A week later after leaving a 4yr relationship she is now in love with a complete stranger. I also realize she never loved me. It's all NEED based. That's the crux of this disorder. I was boring. I was no longer putting up with her shytty behavior.

Words mean nothing. You have to take their ACTIONS at face value. After all that she moved on. Haven't heard a peep in over eight months... .after three years of on-again, off-again, cheating (her), lying (her) and stealing (her).

I consider myself lucky. Do BPD's love? Yes. But not like we do. We are simply toys on their shelf.

PW

That's the key: love (for them) is need based.  They need you to love them.  Even though you do, it's not enough.

Mine got a new bf approximately 2 weeks after we officially ended a 1 year r/s.   Keep in mind, I was discarded starting in October, we officially ended at the end of December.  We never really broke contact after that but a 2 week stretch at the beginning of Jan, then a week or so after a few days of talking.  What tipped off the bf was she had roses delivered at work.

Now, as recent as Friday she told me how much she loved me and missed me.  How she always would.  That's confusing because she is in a new r/s, yet is saying those things to me.  Even if it were true, it's easy to see how badly she needs an attachment to feel "complete".  I'm sure, if asked, she would say she's confused about what she's doing or something like that.  Maybe she is, maybe she's not.  Either way, it's unhealthy and people were getting hurt (directly and indirectly).  

[Lonely_Astro]

I guess the tough part is that it makes me feel like it's 50/50 that she'll be back or not.

That's because it is 50/50. Maybe she will, maybe she won't... .at some point.  One thing that's guaranteed is if she does, it's not for your benefit. I think that's an unalterable law we all need to accept about our afflicted exes: none of this is about us. None of it.

[MapleBob]

I guess the tough part is that it makes me feel like it's 50/50 that she'll be back or not.

That's because it is 50/50. Maybe she will, maybe she won't... .at some point.  One thing that's guaranteed is if she does, it's not for your benefit. I think that's an unalterable law we all need to accept about our afflicted exes: none of this is about us. None of it.

Explain?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm trying to detach, but the thought of her coming back later, when things are more settled with her, haunts me.

I guess the tough part is that it makes me feel like it's 50/50 that she'll be back or not.

Both of those statements give her the control; was that the vibe in the relationship?

In any case, you can take control back by giving yourself some time and distance, and your perceptions of her, yourself and the relationship will change when you do, and then, as you shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, if she does show up you will be in a different place emotionally and mentally, and can make decisions from that place.

[Frank88]

Some of her last words were "I love you, I just want you to be happy."  Translated, she wants someone to love her and make her happy. It's never about us, just them.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

Don't ever back down to a BPD, don't play their games.  Confront them, tell them they have a serious condition.  If she's dumping you, you might as well get as many shots in as possible.  Letting these people walk all over you is what this site and many members feel is the right thing.  BPD's know exactly what they're doing, we are talking about grown adults, you can't go through life as emotionless or overly emotional... .you just wouldn't survive.

[cosmonaut]

Don't ever back down to a BPD, don't play their games.  Confront them, tell them they have a serious condition.  If she's dumping you, you might as well get as many shots in as possible.  Letting these people walk all over you is what this site and many members feel is the right thing.  BPD's know exactly what they're doing, we are talking about grown adults, you can't go through life as emotionless or overly emotional... .you just wouldn't survive.

Jonathan, I realize that you are in deep pain and grief right now.  I also know that this is still very new to you.  I do want to point out, however, that confronting pwBPD isn't going to be in any way constructive.  :)iscussing BPD with a pwBPD can even be very harmful.  The first step in making things better is to stop making things worse.  One of the great articles on the site discusses the Do's and Don'ts of a BPD relationship.  Step 0 of such a relationship is the acceptance that this will be a different sort of relationship and we will have to adjust our expectations accordingly.  We will have to understand that we will be the emotional caretakers.  Certainly we don't have to decide to choose to be in such a relationship, but if we do then we must accept this reality.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

What you just sent me to Cosmo is a site about if there is a relationship, mine is over.  I would get in as many insults to her as possible.  I kept my mouth shut and have not heard from her in 3 years, it never pays to be a nice guy, trust me.

[cosmonaut]

What you just sent me to Cosmo is a site about if there is a relationship, mine is over.  I would get in as many insults to her as possible.  I kept my mouth shut and have not heard from her in 3 years, it never pays to be a nice guy, trust me.

Is being bitter working?  It's been 3 years... .

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

Its working, I'm living. I work, I lift weights and run about 12 miles a week.  Cosmo obviously you support a BPDs actions, we are different people. You like to make excuses for them, I like to deal with reality and not sit here and site text books.

[cosmonaut]

Its working, I'm living. I work, I lift weights and run about 12 miles a week.  Cosmo obviously you support a BPDs actions, we are different people. You like to make excuses for them, I like to deal with reality and not sit here and site text books.

If things are going so well in your recovery then what is your purpose here?  Members have already invested quite a bit of time in trying to explain the aspects of BPD you've asked about.  You don't seem very interested in actually listening to them, however.  Why is that?  Is it telling you something you aren't ready to hear?

I think what's actually going on here, is that you haven't been able to detach.  I think that's why you're really here.  :)o you want to do this for another 3 years?  Or 6?  Or 9?  :)o you think it might be time to detach?  We can help show you the door, but you have to walk through it, man.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

Did you read the very first post on this topic from me, this thread?

My purpose here is to learn what happened.  I have gone through therapy, and just after 3 years would like to know what happened? It very simple, but to sit here and hear people site text books, that clearly state that every person and every illness is different, means they have no idea.  Thousands come to this site, they need to hear everything, not just sympathy for BPD, maybe sympathy is the wrong road to travel.

If I could do it over I would have told her off.

[babyducks]

Back to the original post.

MapleBob -

I know your story a little bit.  I know you understand that BPD is a spectrum disorder and that everyone is some place on that spectrum.

There can be so much self loathing and self defeating behavior in BPD that the I love you go away can be I am not worthy of you I will only hurt you I don't deserve you.

It can also be you are making me feel intense emotions and I can't handle them I love you but get away from me.

It can also be I love you and I love the intensity of being in love so I am going to find more of it.

You know her  best.   Can I ask,  are you ruminating?

[Herodias]

Yes, mine said " I miss you" and "we will both always love each other"  all while he is living with someone else and having a baby with her! Just this week- after a years separation... .

[MapleBob]

There can be so much self loathing and self defeating behavior in BPD that the I love you go away can be I am not worthy of you I will only hurt you I don't deserve you.

It can also be you are making me feel intense emotions and I can't handle them I love you but get away from me.

It can also be I love you and I love the intensity of being in love so I am going to find more of it.

You know her  best.   Can I ask,  are you ruminating?

Sure, yeah, I'm ruminating. Valentine's Day coming up, which also happens to be our one-year breakup-iversary. And just the ongoing trying to understand what happened.

I think that all three of the above scenarios you outlined can be applied (she bounced amongst those, and other lines of reasoning). I guess none of it makes sense because it *doesn't* make sense.

[Welgrow]

My former girlfriend told me some terrible things during her disregulations. I think I can relate to the anger that Jonathan mentioned, and I too am still attached to that resentment. I allowed myself to be angry, to scream at my dashboard, to express my feelings to her directly, and I still need to work on letting go of my resentment so that I can move on to something better. During the last 2.5 months of being broken up she has tried various methods to get me to rescusitate the relationship. I've considered it at times, but I consistently felt the need to get away because I know that she's toxic for me. She said a lot of "I love you's", but strangely she never said it to me when our relationship was seemingly going strong. She didn't start saying "I love you" until after I found the evidence of her cheating and started backing away and distancing myself. She was saying she'll always love me up until yesterday when I blocked her phone number. Too little, too late. Maplebob, did she truly ACT like she loves you? My former gal did somethings to show it, but ultimately I see that she didn't put in the effort that I deserve over the course of the entire relationship. I think that my gal says it to keep me attached and maybe to alleviate herself of being responsible for our relationship's failure.

[Lonely_Astro]

I guess the tough part is that it makes me feel like it's 50/50 that she'll be back or not.

That's because it is 50/50. Maybe she will, maybe she won't... .at some point.  One thing that's guaranteed is if she does, it's not for your benefit. I think that's an unalterable law we all need to accept about our afflicted exes: none of this is about us. None of it.

Explain?

What I mean about if she came back, it wouldn't be because she had an "ah ha" moment with you and suddenly she's better.  No, she would be coming back into your life because you are now her rescuer again.  With J, I had a 4 month r/s with her 4 years ago.  That ended in spectacular fashion.  We found out she was BPD, we both moved on with our lives (separately), we reconnected 3 years later.  She seemed totally different.  I mean, completely.  Fast forward a year and she has since moved on to another guy who she's "being completely honest with" has "no secrets from" and "tells him everything".  This is exactly how we started out.  From what I understand, she is always around him.  What's so weird about that, right?  Well, a couple of things.  But, I won't get into all that because thats not the purpose of this thread.  What was the point was she reconnected with me after 3 years of NC because she remembered me as a guy that was great to her.  I treated her like a human being and she told me how much she had missed me, that letting me go was her biggest mistake and she wouldn't ever let it happen again.  Funny.  "Forever" to her was about a year.  She came back at a time she needed me, not at a time when I needed her... .if that makes sense.

Building off of that, everything that transpired this year was for her benefit, in the end.  She needed to not feel alone as her marriage was failing.  She needed to be loved by someone and that someone was me.  As recent as Friday, she told me how much she "missed me, all of me" and how much she loved me "always have and always will".  It was very confusing to me only for me to find out she's been "head over heels in love" with the new guy (and they've been together since December).  Remember, she tells him everything, right?  Do I think she's told him all of that she's told me?  No way.  And if she had and he's ok with that, then thats for them to work out.  I wouldn't be ok with that if I were her bf... .history or not, especially if she told him the real truth (I doubt it) about us.  But, it's not for my benefit she kept me around.  It was for hers.

Does that sort of clarify what I was saying?

[ScotisGone74]

I believe that we are ALL here for one reasonor another, we ve either had our lives turned  upside by a BPD ex SO or have a friend or family member with BPD we are trying to understand, regardless of the reason we as Nons all process and heal differently and on our own rate.    That being said anger is one of the earlier stages of grieving and hanging onto it for a prolonged period  of time  over a few years is not healthy for you.   

At the end of my relationship with my exBPD she was outside her house, hugging me, crying , telling me she missed her best friend, all the while hiding my replacement in her apartment.    At the end of a relationship I would personally rather just have my ex say I Hate You to avoid any future meetings, calls, or drama.      But see thats just exactly what they want.    Future meetings, calls, and drama.    They do it becausesomehow that makes them feel better, gives them a dose of narcissistic  supply , and helps them continue to spin their web of lies.    Yeah it kinda sucks that I didnt get to verbally denounce all the BS at the end of the relationship to her because I didnt know everything that was going on at the time due to Fog, lies, and the fact I loved her, but thats okay because I didnt stick around to be a ball boy at her tennis match any longer  and hear any more of her bs

[MapleBob]

A couple of replies here:

Maplebob, did she truly ACT like she loves you?

When we were together, yes. Absolutely 100%. We weathered a few of her outburst/breakup threat moments, but she was always quick to retract them once some discussion had been had. Other than that, it was all shiny. I think that if we had held in there a bit longer - and if she had been more direct and honest about what was going on with her - I would have recognized the pattern and been able to deal with it.

What I mean about if she came back, it wouldn't be because she had an "ah ha" moment with you and suddenly she's better.  No, she would be coming back into your life because you are now her rescuer again ... .She came back at a time she needed me, not at a time when I needed her... .if that makes sense.

Does that sort of clarify what I was saying?

Okay, I'm hearing you now. And yes, that's probably true. She absolutely hasn't been there for me since the breakup, but I've been there for her, and that's what she's values from me. Being there. For her.

[SamwizeGamgee]

My wife and I both realize nothing is right between us.  And yet she says "I love you" often enough. Never in response when I say it (without meaning it).  She will say it usually when it's time to get me feeling guilty.  I just mentally replace the word "love" with need and her sentence makes sense.  She needs me like furniture, or a car that works, or the one to take care of her... .  Which, to a toddler mind is what love is I suppose.