When Partner starts pulling away.

[ONLPM]

Hello,

First time poster! Question I had is what is the best way to approach my significant other when they begin to pull away after an idealization phase?

As of now I normally ask how she is feeling and then give her space/validate emotions afterwards. But even with that, she will continue to distance herself but is very appreciative that I expressed understanding of her emotional state.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Hi ONLPM and welcome to the family! I am sorry to hear you are going through this! It is good that you are reaching out for support, BPD management is so often in the little things and the people here on this site are really helpful in figuring those out.
It sounds to me that you are doing the best you can, she communicates after episodes and expresses appreciation. I guess a deeper question is how you cope during her emotional absences? It is hard to accept that our relationships with BPD people involve a lot of periodic loneliness, and it is important to have tools and backups to deal with this.
How is your support network? You have us, what about family/friends/community or religious fellowship? If you focus on building as many of these networks as possible you will feel more secure during the tough times.
In the meantime here is a good place to begin: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334610.0

[Ozzie101]

Hi there ONLPM! I'd like to join khibomsis in saying welcome.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Giving her space but remaining open when she's ready to approach is a good way to handle it. Pushing too much can have a negative effect and even push loved ones farther away. The fact that she says she appreciates your understanding is a very good sign.

Other than that, go about your daily life. Do your normal routine as much as possible. Invite her (casually) to join in when you want to and you sense the time is right, but don't be hurt or make a big deal about it if she doesn't.

Khibomsis makes a good point: A big part of the question is how do you handle it? Taking care of yourself is very important. When our loved ones pull away, that's a key time for self-care -- hobbies, friends and family, etc. Keep your emotional strength up and refill your bucket, so to speak. That way, you can weather these times and then can be refreshed and ready to face whatever is ahead.