The periods of cold indifference are almost worse...

[Lalathegreat]

After I left the other evening he took nearly a full day to respond to my texts from that evening. He invited me to a movie with he and his son on our "usual" night, and was behaving as if nothing had happened.

I knew another shoe would probably drop, but wanted to give it a chance since he seemed to be making an effort to move forward. Well, when I got there he told me he felt sick and gave me money to take kiddo to the movie. Said he would be up to dinner after. I texted after the movie and he told me he was still unwell and could we please eat without him. Ho hum, take Kid home after dinner and there pwBPD is playing video games. Won't even look at me when I tell him goodbye.

I'm sure he is making a point but seriously? I would almost rather he just yell.

Next time I need to just drop his son off as soon as it's clear that he has no interest in participating. I swear at this point I'm just his ___ing babysitter and it really hurts.

[formflier]

   
 
Here is the thing... .he is doing this type of stuff (in all likelihood) to send you a message... .and hurt you (at some level). 

It's working... .you are hurting. 

There are really two options here. 

1.  Take yourself away from the hurt.  (boundaries)
or
2.  Use RA to realize that he is not a person to seek "pleasure" (emotional return) from.

Option two MAY get you and he to a place where he can own some of his stuff... .maybe. 

continuing down the path of being around him and allowing his known issues to keep piercing your heart is no good for you.

I'm very sorry he is such a hurtful fellow for you... .but that is who he is.  Any change is likely to be very sloow... .if at all.

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Nail on the head FF - his way of engaging is hurtful to me. EITHER version of his emotional dysregulation makes me spin.

I think the obvious thing to do is to accept and understand that he will NEVER be able to emotionally support me in the way I had anticipated that my "partner" would be able to. And if I accept that this is the case, is there enough "good" in this relationship to make it worth continuing?

At this point I really feel that long term success here is unlikely. But I also feel like there is so much that I am learning about myself in the process of playing this out. Do I have HOPE that it can improve? Sure - and I guess that's where the RA needs to come in. I KNOW he can't do better in his state, I still HOPE that he will. I'm still disappointed when doesn't.

I am still amazed when I rewind and think about the man that I started this relationship with. The man who was my best friend, who carried me through the final painful days of my divorce, who made me feel that things could be ok again. How in the world was he able to be such a source of emotional support THEN, and I can't even get him to follow through on dinner and a move with me and his kid NOW. It just boggles my mind and makes no sense. That's part of my problem, I keep trying to logically understand all of this even though it is part of his mental illness and not something that really can be understood in a logical way. But I keep trying.

Thank you as always for your wisdom. It is incredibly helpful.

[formflier]

I think the obvious thing to do is to accept and understand that he will NEVER be able to emotionally support me in the way I had anticipated that my "partner" would be able to. And if I accept that this is the case, is there enough "good" in this relationship to make it worth continuing?

I think this is a bit much as well.

People can change.  Even pwBPD.  The likelihood of them changing IS smaller than other people, ESPECIALLY if they are getting their dysfunctional and functional needs met.  I'm going to be a bit judgmental and say this is especially true for men. 

It is a rare guy who will jump higher than is required to get what he "needs" or "wants".  Seriously... .think about it.  If you go to the store to get a gallon of milk, why pay more than the price listed?

This is a bit simplistic... .but useful to make a point.  You have set the price for you in this relationship.  You take care of him, his kid etc etc.  Sure you may have "named" a higher price here and there but when he didn't "have the money" or otherwise "devalued" the price you wanted... .by and large he still got what he wanted.

That is starting to change now.  If the change is consistent on your side he will have to adjust.  And many times he will challenge things... your consistency... .to see if you will lower your price. 

Please don't...


And... .it is unlikely that explaining all of this to him will help either.  You are the one that sets the "price".  Make your choice... .the let him make his.  If he "doesn't have the money"... .it's not a big deal... .just make sure the goods "stay in the store".

FF

[Lalathegreat]

I love your analogy FF. I think the issue I'm having is figuring out how to translate it into real life.

And much of the issue is that pwBPD is a creature of habit who places so much importance on maintaining a consistant routine. I have fallen into this pattern of regular scheduling that has spanned a period of nearly a year. I know that the first step has to be disrupting this expectation that every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday or Saturday (depending on which weekend evening my ex works out with the kids) he can rely on my company come hell or high water. And this feels like an enormously daunting task for me. The pattern felt normal when things were good and we wanted to spend every available second together. Then it became a point of contention - if I couldn't make one of the days pwBPD would be upset. It became one of the things that I conceded to in an effort to keep the peace. It's only been recently that I have realized that it is something that pwBPD has used to control me - although duh. Now it seems incredibly obvious. At any rate, the thought of telling him that I no longer want to be locked into our schedule... .well it terrifies me. I don't even know what I would say. Anything I say will cause him to derail. Or who knows - right now he is barely looking at me so maybe he'll be all "whatever... ." but I doubt it.

Any thoughts on tackling that one? I feel it would be helpful to not have so much anxiety surrounding the days that I know he's expecting to see me. On the other hand, I think the reason he wants to have a regular schedule is that he has a lot of anxiety around planning stuff with me and derailing the routine will not help with that.

And this is the sort of thing that makes me just want to run for the hills. It sounds insane. It IS insane! Imagine how wonderful it would be to simply call someone and be all "Oh hey, was thinking about catching dinner and a movie tonight, want to come?"

Seriously... .

[formflier]

I think the issue I'm having is figuring out how to translate it into real life.

Slow things down... .if you can't figure it out.  Take alone time and figure it.  Let him do... what he does.  You figure out you... .he figures out him.

Seriously... .anytime you are like... "Ok... this will make him xyz... ."  stop... .take time to translate your big picture into real life.

 And this feels like an enormously daunting task for me.

I'm guessing it is because you think that he will flip out... .let him flip out.

You be somewhere else.

 It became one of the things that I conceded to in an effort to keep the peace.

Point of clarity.  How is the "peacekeeping" going?

 I don't even know what I would say. Anything I say will cause him to derail.  

Succint is better.  "I'm looking foward to seeing you on xyz night.  :)oes 6pm work?"  If he derails... .remember... .you don't work for the railroad.

Any thoughts on tackling that one?  

Let him manage his anxiety... .he is an adult.  

 "Oh hey, was thinking about catching dinner and a movie tonight, want to come?"

Seriously... .

That is a great way to say it... .

Seriously... .it is that simple.

If he says yes... .enjoy the movie.

If he says no... enjoy the movie.

If he gives a non answer... .enjoy the movie.

Take a step back... .what is the theme of all my answers... ?

FF

[Lalathegreat]

HA! I think I'm sensing a theme here.

Don't overthink. DO. Let him deal with it.

In other words, I need to stop feeling responsible for his feelings.

Am I close?

And so yeah - clearly the peacekeeping mission is not going well. 

Thanks FF!

[Grey Kitty]

I know that the first step has to be disrupting this expectation that every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday or Saturday (depending on which weekend evening my ex works out with the kids) he can rely on my company come hell or high water. And this feels like an enormously daunting task for me. The pattern felt normal when things were good and we wanted to spend every available second together. Then it became a point of contention - if I couldn't make one of the days pwBPD would be upset. It became one of the things that I conceded to in an effort to keep the peace.

This MWF/Sat schedule is an unwritten rule. that you've accepted for a year, when you broke/challenged it, you "upset" him and he took it out on you.

You could actively change the status of this 'rule', and discuss it in a way that makes it explicit, and then re-negotiate it, sorta saying that you didn't even figure out how it became a rule anyways... .resulting in this feeling:

The thought of telling him that I no longer want to be locked into our schedule... .well it terrifies me.

Facing the fear head-on like that is one option.

You do have another option: "Unmake" the rule the same way it was "Made". Silently, without discussion, agreement, or anything. Make plans and do something else Monday, or Wednesday (or whenever). Tell him at an appropriate time that you are doing something else. And don't let yourself get dragged into a fight over it.

That is the beauty of enforcing boundaries like this--announcing that the boundary is now there is completely optional... .all you have to do is the action part of it. In many cases, the fight over the announcement is just a waste of time and breath.

[formflier]

I've been trying to think about which way would be "best" for you to announce this... .by actions or by words.

Since the words "terrify" you... .I'm leaning towards that.

However, this is an unwritten rule.  I don't want you to "validate" that... .at least not just yet.

Right now my best advice is to let him know the next time you see him... .that you are looking forward to an event several days out and that you hope you can go to the event with him.

Basically... .you are letting him know that you are going to the event... .and you hope he will go.

Keep it positive... .keep it short.  The conversation and the evening of the announcement.  Basically say something like... ."see you Friday at 6" when you leave.  If he wants to ask about the days in between... .he can.

I'm putting this under you "taking charge" of the relationship... .at least your part in it.  No more "relationship by default" or "the way it has always been"

FF