need to understand an important thing

[Depression = 72% of members]

I can tell you from my personal experiences that I tried spinning too many plates at the same time with trying to fix myself. From my experience, work on one thing at a time, it's not a race. It's a process.

When it comes to control, we can't control life. It's acceptance and I use mindfulness and radical acceptance. The world is not perfect and we need to accept it as such. Instead of trying to control reality and adding disappointment, stress and anxiety because we can't control it, accept it for what is. Accept it as reality. Radical acceptance is not something that you simply use for dealing with trauma. You can use it every day. If your late for work and you're stuck at a red light and are getting worked up. You can accept it as reality and that you can't control the situation.

I took the kids out to McDonalds a couple of days ago and it was busy, I have 3 kids I'm single so it's a little extra work not having an extra set of adult hands. I saw a man really get worked up because the restaurant was busy, creating himself anxiety and stress. He could of radically accepted the fact that it' s busy, it's imperfect, reality. It was what it was. He's trying to control something that's not in his control, he is flowing against reality not with reality. Have you looked into radical acceptance? Do you see what I mean by control and accepting things for what they are to reduce stress and anxiety?

Did you consider looking into a second therapist for a second opinion? From my experience they're all different. I had to find a T this last time that suited me and I went through a couple of them.

yes i read and understand a lot about radical acceptance. it was a useful tool to resolve some issues of mine not only the BPD but also some other problems that i acknowledged that they were out of my hands and i totally and radically accepted them as they are and that these problems do not define me cause i have nothing that i would have done and did not. it took away a lot of my anxiety and stress. i believe that digging deep and coming to terms will take long time. since 1)the pain is gone 2)i have different perspective and  approach now for problem solving 3)i love myself more, more kind to myself, not extra critical on myself i think i will be fine. i always remind myself that my ex did not pass by so that i would feel some pain and then i will be back to how i was before her. she made me change forever. i am more at peace with myself now. its like i got into a room and meet myself "hi antony. its really nice to meet you. i do not know why i have been avoiding you all these years. you seem like a very good person. i will always be there for you and be kind to you and love you"

i really was an alien to positive self talk. other issues to address are self confidence, purpose of my life, some values regarding dating, time management, friendships' dynamics to be edited. how did i expect to be better at this when i used to avoid sitting alone and talking to myself frantically ! i am not there. it will probably take years for me. but at least i am now honest with myself

[antjs]

I can tell you from my personal experiences that I tried spinning too many plates at the same time with trying to fix myself. From my experience, work on one thing at a time, it's not a race. It's a process.

When it comes to control, we can't control life. It's acceptance and I use mindfulness and radical acceptance. The world is not perfect and we need to accept it as such. Instead of trying to control reality and adding disappointment, stress and anxiety because we can't control it, accept it for what is. Accept it as reality. Radical acceptance is not something that you simply use for dealing with trauma. You can use it every day. If your late for work and you're stuck at a red light and are getting worked up. You can accept it as reality and that you can't control the situation.

I took the kids out to McDonalds a couple of days ago and it was busy, I have 3 kids I'm single so it's a little extra work not having an extra set of adult hands. I saw a man really get worked up because the restaurant was busy, creating himself anxiety and stress. He could of radically accepted the fact that it' s busy, it's imperfect, reality. It was what it was. He's trying to control something that's not in his control, he is flowing against reality not with reality. Have you looked into radical acceptance? Do you see what I mean by control and accepting things for what they are to reduce stress and anxiety?

Did you consider looking into a second therapist for a second opinion? From my experience they're all different. I had to find a T this last time that suited me and I went through a couple of them.

yes i read and understand a lot about radical acceptance. it was a useful tool to resolve some issues of mine not only the BPD but also some other problems that i acknowledged that they were out of my hands and i totally and radically accepted them as they are and that these problems do not define me cause i have nothing that i would have done and did not. it took away a lot of my anxiety and stress. i believe that digging deep and coming to terms will take long time. since 1)the pain is gone 2)i have different perspective and  approach now for problem solving 3)i love myself more, more kind to myself, not extra critical on myself i think i will be fine. i always remind myself that my ex did not pass by so that i would feel some pain and then i will be back to how i was before her. she made me change forever. i am more at peace with myself now. its like i got into a room and meet myself "hi antony. its really nice to meet you. i do not know why i have been avoiding you all these years. you seem like a very good person. i will always be there for you and be kind to you and love you"

i really was an alien to positive self talk. other issues to address are self confidence, purpose of my life, some values regarding dating, time management, friendships' dynamics to be edited. how did i expect to be better at this when i used to avoid sitting alone and talking to myself frantically ! i am not there. it will probably take years for me. but at least i am now honest with myself

[Mutt]

I get the feeling from you that you are causing a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety with trying to find answers. The reality of it right now is that you don't have an answer. Mindfulness would help here anthony_james.

Go easy on yourself and don't try to get to answers as quickly as possible. It may take time. Radically accept that for what it is.

[Ihope2]

Antony_James, you wrote:  "i think they did not have a proper term for quarter life crisis back then and yes it feels live having a nervous breakdown but i used to numb my feelings for long since graduation. so the last period for me was processing BPD abandonment + quarter life crisis with all its feeling imagine that  I think my control issues started after graduation. when i found that i can't find a job (out of my hands since all my major colleagues can't too and my country was through a revolution), my dad got physically sick (out of my hands), my friends immigrated (out of my hands), i failed an important exam to migrate to Australia (partially out of my hands), i could not get my work visa to Dubai (out of my hands). i started wanting to control what i can not control basically including my ex's disorder. the BPD experience for me was a punch in the face, was a wake up call. i am realizing too much things and processing too much emotions. yes i have always felt inadequate, low self esteemed and non lovable cause i did not love myself. I can not remember anything wrong with my parents and i am not normalizing anything wrong they did to me. I addressed that to my therapist. I insisted that he would listen to information about my mother and father. my dad is very irresponsible for the last couple of years. i think he has a middle age crisis since he has got a heart attack 2 years ago. he might have not been for me emotionally when i was a kid i really don't know how much was enough. maybe i think the amount he gave me was enough but maybe it is not. The only thing that assures me now is that i am starting to love myself more and put myself first from now on.".

And it struck me that your country was in a politically unstable period/revolution.  My goodness!  And this is normal?  This would be the cause of MANY troubles and psychological trauma and difficulty for anyone.  Everything that  goes with it: having to worry about security, political conditions that are threatening,  not having work opportunities after graduating, then trying to emigrate to Australia but it not working out, then having many of your friends emigrating, most recently almost being able to move to Dubai for work, but that also not working out.  Your father being ill.  The short relationship with a woman with BPD.  And you are in your twenties, a time when a young adult is trying to establish themself in life, find a good career, get their own place to live, and make their mark on life in some way.

This revolution, perhaps it was quite violent and turbulent, revolutions usually are.  I just have to think of most conditions in the Middle East, what is going on right now again in Gaza. And the situation in Syria, with the chemical gas attacks on innocent people in their homes in the dead of night.  Fearing for your very life, and the lives of your family and friends.  How can one not be psychologically scarred by that?  

You are doing great work on yourself, Antony_James.  I hope you find a good work opportunity soon, and that you can establish a safe, stable life for yourself with inner peace and joy.

[antjs]

And it struck me that your country was in a politically unstable period/revolution.  My goodness!  And this is normal?  This would be the cause of MANY troubles and psychological trauma and difficulty for anyone.  Everything that  goes with it: having to worry about security, political conditions that are threatening,  not having work opportunities after graduating, then trying to emigrate to Australia but it not working out, then having many of your friends emigrating, most recently almost being able to move to Dubai for work, but that also not working out.  Your father being ill.  The short relationship with a woman with BPD.  And you are in your twenties, a time when a young adult is trying to establish themself in life, find a good career, get their own place to live, and make their mark on life in some way.

and thats why my ex appeared to be the only "good" thing in my life in that phase. and thats why i ignored all the  with her. cause i needed the fantasy. i needed something good to be happening in my life. but as i said it turned out to be the last nail in my coffin. i forgive myself for this. i am too hard on myself as you said i have been through a lot. maybe if she was not BPD i would have enjoyed my time with her as mutt did back during his crisis. i think i am over criticizing myself cause unluckily she turned out to be BPD. I had the right to feel vulnerable at that time :'(