Biggest Regret?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is another of those where your answer will probably be relative to how far out you are.

My biggest regret is really the sheer waste of my time, I know this relationship must have happened for a reason and I have things to learn about myself and why i have allowed this, but i do wish i'd learnt my lesson much faster. Im mid-30s now and worried about my chances of starting a family, add on the time its going to take to recover, then find someone, then build up trust enough with that person, marry... .This really makes me very sad.

I suppose all i can do now is just ensure i stop wasting more time

What is your biggest regret?

[Trog]

This is another of those where your answer will probably be relative to how far out you are.

My biggest regret is really the sheer waste of my time, I know this relationship must have happened for a reason and I have things to learn about myself and why i have allowed this, but i do wish i'd learnt my lesson much faster. Im mid-30s now and worried about my chances of starting a family, add on the time its going to take to recover, then find someone, then build up trust enough with that person, marry... .This really makes me very sad.

I suppose all i can do now is just ensure i stop wasting more time

What is your biggest regret?

[Infern0]

Not walking away sooner.

I was given so many massive signs to GET OUT but I clung to some hope I could make it work. I mean my world was crumbling around me and I'm giving what little I had to try and help this ungrateful person who was treating me like chit

[Mr Hollande]

Not walking away sooner.

I was given so many massive signs to GET OUT but I clung to some hope I could make it work. I mean my world was crumbling around me and I'm giving what little I had to try and help this ungrateful person who was treating me like chit

X 2!

[Tiepje3]

Letting him build up a really good relationship with my three teenagers to a point where my daughter would rather have him walk her down the aisle than her biological dad and now having to explain why he's suddenly showed an unhealthy interest in someone else (my fault obviously) and has gone NC. And having had my kids witness the tension, the verbal abuse, seeing the downfall of our marriage and having them see my pain and sorrow (even though I'm trying me best to hide that from them).

[merlin4926]

I still regret that I couldn't make it work but coming to accept that was impossible and all his relationships will be like this. I regret being on of the triggers that now causes him pain which is something I never wanted to do.

[enlighten me]

Allowing myself to be isolated from my friends and family and the tension and hurt the relationship caused to my sons.

[Mr Hollande]

I regret being on of the triggers that now causes him pain which is something I never wanted to do.

That was always going to happen and it's out of your hands. No point regretting what you cannot control.

[drummerboy]

To be quite honest, I don't have any regrets. I learnt what to look out for when a relationship starts and I learned a lot about myself. Sure it was a painful life experience but the emotional highs and lows are what life is all about, most people go along in life on a sort of banal straight line. My BPD relationship has caused me to deeply look at myself and has actually caused some great things to happen in my life. The pain at the way it ended was excruciating and I would not wish that pain on anyone but it's nothing to the pain that most BPD's live with for their entire lives. 

[Loveofhislife]

Is it fair if I reply, "All of the Above"?  My three children were absolutely APPALLED when they learned he had misused my credit cards and had been draining me (us) financially for a year. And yes, they were appalled that I mostly allowed it. The all are young adults who need assistance with college tuition, etc. It goes against everything they ever have known of me. I have tried to be a cautionary tale for them and make the past year "a teachable moment", but I fear I have lost credibility with them as I have many of my friends, family, and colleagues.  They all have been "collateral damage" from my extremely poor judgement.  So, I continue to deal with a lot of shame and guilt.  Like Bauie, I never would have been at a place in my life where I recognized that I, myself, needed a lot of "fixing."  No pain, no gain with me, and there's been immense pain and regret.

[GuiltHaunted]

I regret not learning about BPD (or at least how mental problems affect people in general), during the relationship.

She told me so many times that "something was wrong with her", and I would always tell she was a completely normal girl. At some point she even suggested that she thought she might have ADHD, which I kind of ridiculed.

I did so with good intentions though. I wanted her to be strong and normal, and I wanted her to see herself like that too.

Now I see it like this:

I told someone with a broken leg to walk it off, instead of carrying her as she would have needed. In fact, I might even have taken her for long walks. I didn't take her complaints serious.

This is my big fault for why it went like it did. For why it didn't work out. But I am not to blame, I didn't know better. I have never dealt with people with "broken legs" before and on the outside her "leg" looked fine.

[NorthLight]

Hmm...

I shouldn't have trusted her that much, she received the key to my life, hearth and happiness, so when she dumped me out of the blue she took away my spark and my reason to live - I am still so depressed and don't really see any light in life, i just don't care about anything anymore...

So i regret trusting her words, because her actions shows who she truly were, and it was so many red flags ignored because of her powerful words that really made me believe and trust her.

[Blimblam]

Hmm...

I shouldn't have trusted her that much, she received the key to my life, hearth and happiness, so when she dumped me out of the blue she took away my spark and my reason to live - I am still so depressed and don't really see any light in life, i just don't care about anything anymore...

So i regret trusting her words, because her actions shows who she truly were, and it was so many red flags ignored because of her powerful words that really made me believe and trust her.

I'm sorry man.  It gets better with time. The spark is still there just buried under a pile of crap to be sorted through. It hurts. But it gets better.  Then it hurts again. Then it gets better.  One step at a time. It ain't easy though.

[pieceofme]

i regret giving him so many chances, thinking each time would be different... .but it always ended the same.

[Lolastheme]

I am only a couple of months into the break-up (final). Yes, I do regret it. I am 42 and I have wasted time, not for more children (but maybe), but more because there was so much hurt. Because I am struggling to understand why I put up with so much of his cow poo. He hurt my daughter, trying to hurt me - although he apologises and says he understands what a dreadful thing he did.

I loved him! Really, really loved him. He said terrible things to me, undermined me, took my self esteem. I STILL LOVED HIM!

Now I am so, so sad. Confused about what was real and what wasn't. I hate the idea that a lot of what he felt wasn't real. But I am still sad for him, oh the irony, that he can't feel what I do. Even though it is breaking my heart and shaking my very foundations.

[In Pain]

My regret:

I knew she had emotional issues from day 1. And I researched what those were ... .BUT... .I didn't keep researching how serious they were and how I should handle her issues. I went through this relationship without ANY BPD tools and guidance.

I feel bad how I treated her. How I reacted, how I screamed at her, what I said to her... .How I lost it sometimes. I threw her out of my car, my apartment. out of my life sometimes... .but here's what I never noticed... .Besides me coming back to her... .SHE always came back to me.

I acted like the biggest jerk... .And she came back. No normal person would come back after what I did and said to her.

I was so frustrated with her, and my frustration came out as anger.

She brought out a side of me I hated. Hated !

I truly wish I had learned the tools to try and make her feel better and handle what she threw at me.

Not because I'm weak... .but because I am a normal person who cared for someone and only wished them the best, not to hurt them. I am a healthy person who has the ability to learn and adapt.

Does my ex BPD GF have regrets... .Who knows.

Do I have regrets... .Yes.

And the good part about that is it proves that I am a rational person with real feel feeling and emotions.

I AM healthy.

I WILL heal.

I WILL move on.

She will continue in her life, unhealthy. This saddens me.

[In Pain]

The fact that we are on this board trying to make sense of what happened and is happening in an effort to heal ourselves... .

Should give each and every one of us the confidence to know:

We ARE the healthy one

We WILL move on

We WILL be happy once again

The pain... .Yes, it hurts.

But this too shall pass with time.

I am not flippant about everyone's real pain, like my own. I just know, logically, what the eventual light at the end of this painful tunnel WILL be.

I wish everyone the best.

[Loveofhislife]

There are vastly different opinions on this board about the role of choice for pwBPD. I know for certain that my exbfBPD had the power to choose. It may have been hard for him, and when he was dysregulating, his choices were at an all time anti social level. We too have choices--how we react to them and how we control ourselves is our responsibility. I have written before that I have worked professionally with the most severely mentally ill (many with co occurring pd's and substance issues)--but these people CHOSE treatment. It is difficult and painful for pwBPD, but their projecting their misery and pain onto us, instead of seeking positive change for themselves and their loved ones, is a choice NOT TO CHANGE! Unfortunately, many pwBPD find their entrenched patterns and coping mechanisms more desirable and choose never to change. It is incredibly sad, yes; but we only are responsible for our choices and our actions--I am making a choice to change decades of entrenched codependency, and that too is painful. I am having to face that a beloved parent abused me. My other parent allowed it. I have never truly faced the pain and anger of my abusive childhood--UNTIL NOW. I experienced pain, anger, and tales of abuse through my exbfBPD. I believe he was my proxy for pain; now I must deal with it myself. My choice. But it is a blessing amidst so much regret.

 

[RedDove]

I regret giving him 100 chances, especially after ending my marriage of eleven years 10+ years ago due to my husband cheating. I didn't even give my ex husband a "second" chance.

I regret believing his words, that he was a nice, caring guy, when his actions clearly showed me the exact opposite. Believing in the fairy tale Cinderella charade he (we) created, two long lost friends reuniting after 30 years and finding the loves of their lives (only words).

Also for not paying attention to my gut and overlooking the red flags   . Had I taken notice to my intuition when I read the "Love Letter" he emailed me on my first birthdayduring the idealization phase with him, I would not be here 4 years later. He revealed who he was, abused as a child, almost died at the age of 8, never felt loved or wanted, etc. etc.

I did some research after 2 years of the push, pull and myriad of break ups. I wish I hadn't stopped researching. Instead I bought into relationship experts advice and tools such as texting your ex back. Oh these tools worked, but only for a very short recycle, they were only a band aid.

My biggest regret is not knowing about his borderline disorder until I ended it back in June. Had I known before, I might have arrived here sooner and possibly avoided wasting 4 years of my life on him. It's been very difficult and painful to look back on our 4 year encounter and analyze it through BPD colored glasses.

However, even accepting he has a mental disorder still doesn't allow me to forgive him for the lies, deceit and cheating. I will never forget the blank unemotional empty look on his face during our final confrontation when he told me he was borderline, an alcoholiic, unstable and using me for sex. This was to justify (dissociate) his cheating with the OW he had in the wings for 2 months. A 50 year old man who has the mental and emotional capacity of a 5 year old. Very sad.

[WhatTheFrank]

Going back for the second time when I knew by then what BPD was.  I thought I was strong enough.  I was wrong.

[NorthLight]

I'm sorry man.  It gets better with time. The spark is still there just buried under a pile of crap to be sorted through. It hurts. But it gets better.  Then it hurts again. Then it gets better.  One step at a time. It ain't easy though.

Thank you Blimblam, I wish you the best of luck, you are a nice person - I am reading much more than I'm actually posting here, and i read your messages all the time, you are very friendly and helpful!

I wish everyone here all the best and a very happy future :D May it only go up from here, we have each reached rock-bottom at some point, and it can only get better

[thousandyardstare]

The biggest regret I have is not standing up for myself sooner.

Hopefully, after some time and work, this will turn into one of those experiences that I'm glad I had because in the end it made me a better person.

[SpringInMyStep]

So my biggest regret is getting back together with her after we broke up for a month last year. I have no idea what possessed me to do that, but she emailed me, I responded, I invited her over and said I wanted her back. That was that. It was downhill from there.

[Caredverymuch]

This is another of those where your answer will probably be relative to how far out you are.

My biggest regret is really the sheer waste of my time, I know this relationship must have happened for a reason and I have things to learn about myself and why i have allowed this, but i do wish i'd learnt my lesson much faster. Im mid-30s now and worried about my chances of starting a family, add on the time its going to take to recover, then find someone, then build up trust enough with that person, marry... .This really makes me very sad.

I suppose all i can do now is just ensure i stop wasting more time

What is your biggest regret?

Not walking entirely away when the first devaluation occurred. I gave far too much leniency and compassion in trying to support him before myself.

My T taught me something thats been invaluable to me as I detach further and further and constructed healthier, non-wavering boundaries. No one gets a second chance at devaluation. Do it once, you're showing me very clearly who you are.  Boundary goes up and stays up.

[ajr5679]

my biggest regret was taking her back thinking she changed.

[toomanytears]

To be quite honest, I don't have any regrets. I learnt what to look out for when a relationship starts and I learned a lot about myself. Sure it was a painful life experience but the emotional highs and lows are what life is all about, most people go along in life on a sort of banal straight line. My BPD relationship has caused me to deeply look at myself and has actually caused some great things to happen in my life. The pain at the way it ended was excruciating and I would not wish that pain on anyone but it's nothing to the pain that most BPD's live with for their entire lives. 

Thanks Bauie. This is so true for me too.  I think their pain is something they have to hand on to us through all the splitting etc and the difference is that we can cope with it, while they can't.

[toomanytears]

My regret is staying for so long. 31 years. I wish I'd finished it when he moved away from us to work abroad six years ago. Crap awful for my son when I think about it. He was just 14 at the time. Now I only have my own pain to deal with. My kids have developed more personal resources to cope with the break up of their family. My son seems to have chosen not to engage with his paternal grandparents ( a dysfunctional pack of wolves) My daughter, who is more attached to my BPDh and very compassionate towards her abused and abusive grandmother, is finding it harder... .

[Hopeless777]

Regrets? I have a few, but they're minor decisions that are always easier to see with hindsight. 28 years relationship, two reasonably well adjusted children. Sure the red flags were there when we began dating in 1986. But would I change much? No, not really. Love her still even though we're NC except through lawyers. I recognize her BPD, hormonal issues, teenage rape, parental/sibling abuse, etc. now. My T says that eventually it all comes around full circle. Do I regret her DV arrest on me, the three tortuous recycles, the separation... .sure. But that's how it goes with BPD. The stories are ultimately all the same. I'm not even sure I regret the pain I go through daily as it is now beginning, slowly, to strengthen me for my future. We're it not for her obvious BPD then maybe I'd feel different. Now I just shake my head and take it one day at a time.

[Emelie Emelie]

I regret that I said yes the first time he asked me out. I regret all of it.

[tired-of-it-all]

I agree Trog.  The sheer waste of time and emotional energy.  Also the horrible example for my children.  And finally, I think this failure of a relationship affected everything that I do.  I have had some success in my life but not what it should have been.  I spent too much time working at business issues that weren't worth my time.  I did well but it could have been a lot better and with a lot less pain.  I am too hardheaded to give up on difficult situations and my BPD relationship is the worst example of my hardheadedness.  Again, I think I fell into the habit of just beating my head against the wall until it fell or until I bled out.  I did it in all aspects of my life.

[toomanytears]

Turning things around, what I don't regret:

Finding the inner resources I never realised I had

Going to therapy which has taught me so much about myself

The old friendships I've renewed

The new friendships I've made

Learning how to stand up to my boss

Learning how to manage my team better

Resolving a very difficult personel issue at work

Strengthening my relationship with my mum

Making good friends with my daughter's finance's parents (my stbx would have hated them)

Much of the above is work in progress but it's all good and I would never have been able to write this list before. So yes, I do have regrets, but on balance I have more to be thankful for... .

[Tolou]

My regret:

I knew she had emotional issues from day 1. And I researched what those were ... .BUT... .I didn't keep researching how serious they were and how I should handle her issues. I went through this relationship without ANY BPD tools and guidance.

I feel bad how I treated her. How I reacted, how I screamed at her, what I said to her... .How I lost it sometimes. I threw her out of my car, my apartment. out of my life sometimes... .but here's what I never noticed... .Besides me coming back to her... .SHE always came back to me.

I acted like the biggest jerk... .And she came back. No normal person would come back after what I did and said to her.

I was so frustrated with her, and my frustration came out as anger.

She brought out a side of me I hated. Hated !

I truly wish I had learned the tools to try and make her feel better and handle what she threw at me.

Not because I'm weak... .but because I am a normal person who cared for someone and only wished them the best, not to hurt them. I am a healthy person who has the ability to learn and adapt.

Does my ex BPD GF have regrets... .Who knows.

Do I have regrets... .Yes.

And the good part about that is it proves that I am a rational person with real feel feeling and emotions.

I AM healthy.

I WILL heal.

I WILL move on.

She will continue in her life, unhealthy. This saddens me.

In pain couldnt have said it better myself X2 on this one

[Tolou]

My T taught me something thats been invaluable to me as I detach further and further and constructed healthier, non-wavering boundaries. No one gets a second chance at devaluation. Do it once, you're showing me very clearly who you are.  Boundary goes up and stays up.

Thats's deep really like that one, thank you for sharing that very insightful, made me feel good just now![/quote]

[forget-me-not]

^^^^^^

Yes, thank you for this.

It directly ties in with my biggest regret- that I allowed myself to be treated like crap, and even worse, started believing that there was something seriously wrong with me and that I'm a horrible person that needs fixing.

My defining moment , when I realized I was not going to "fix myself " any longer was this:

My adult daughter and my granddaughter were living with her bf, who was abusive to the point  of burning her with cigarettes and breaking her belongings.

I allowed them to move in with me earlier this year.

My uBPD bf told me just before his final devaluation, that I should have told her to go live in a shelter , because she needs to "be taught a lesson for making the wrong choices in her life " and that if I don't understand this simple concept then there's no help for me.

I could have continued trying harder to not push his buttons and to meet his ridiculous demands, but this comment was so against the very depth of my core values that I knew I could no longer keep trying and fighting for the relationship.

The sheer horror of that statement still sends chills up my spine.

[Penumbra66]

My T taught me something thats been invaluable to me as I detach further and further and constructed healthier, non-wavering boundaries. No one gets a second chance at devaluation. Do it once, you're showing me very clearly who you are.  Boundary goes up and stays up.

I wish I had held to this. Our relationship was flawed, but mostly good, until my replacement made an appearance. The second time she went out with him as a "friend," after violating an agreement not to see him again until we had time to discuss their "friendship," should have been the end. She knew how much their first "play" date hurt me. The second one killed me. From there it was five more weeks of lies, pain, uncertainty, and betrayal, before the final abandonment.

Someone quoted this on the boards earlier, but I repeat below. I heard this while my exUBPD gf first began a rapid series of recycles. Wish I had listened.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou

I refused to believe the person thought I knew was capable of such bad behavior, but she did, indeed, show me the first time. Lesson learned. Too late.