View from a borderline. It's scary...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The way I hold my partner accountable is by terminating the relationship.

You're talking about relationships with pwBPD specifically, right? Because that seems like a pretty destructive and unforgiving policy otherwise!

(Keep in mind: I do agree that pwBPD - and, honestly, A LOT of nons too - are not capable of true accountability.)

Yes, I'm talking specifically about my BPD partner.  But as I said, in my opinion, if "accountability" looks like anything more than a healthy conversation about why something bothers me, and that conversation doesn't lead to change, apologies, forgiveness, and better understanding, I begin to think that my partner is in the situation for something other than a real relationship.

Okay, now that sounds reasonable. Yeah, I'm thinking that circular arguments and blame-shifting are pretty intolerable to me now. And I got into a lot of them with my ex post-breakup, which was ridiculous and I know better now. Gotta hold those boundaries!

[MapleBob]

The way I hold my partner accountable is by terminating the relationship.

You're talking about relationships with pwBPD specifically, right? Because that seems like a pretty destructive and unforgiving policy otherwise!

(Keep in mind: I do agree that pwBPD - and, honestly, A LOT of nons too - are not capable of true accountability.)

Yes, I'm talking specifically about my BPD partner.  But as I said, in my opinion, if "accountability" looks like anything more than a healthy conversation about why something bothers me, and that conversation doesn't lead to change, apologies, forgiveness, and better understanding, I begin to think that my partner is in the situation for something other than a real relationship.

Okay, now that sounds reasonable. Yeah, I'm thinking that circular arguments and blame-shifting are pretty intolerable to me now. And I got into a lot of them with my ex post-breakup, which was ridiculous and I know better now. Gotta hold those boundaries!

[C.Stein]

Yes, I'm talking specifically about my BPD partner.  But as I said, in my opinion, if "accountability" looks like anything more than a healthy conversation about why something bothers me, and that conversation doesn't lead to change, apologies, forgiveness, and better understanding, I begin to think that my partner is in the situation for something other than a real relationship.

I'm curious here.  What reason would this be?  Certain some people lack the necessary skills to tick off all these requirements.  Many of these skills come with experience and has nothing to do with being disordered or not.  How do you ferret out lack of experience from disorder?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes, I'm talking specifically about my BPD partner.  But as I said, in my opinion, if "accountability" looks like anything more than a healthy conversation about why something bothers me, and that conversation doesn't lead to change, apologies, forgiveness, and better understanding, I begin to think that my partner is in the situation for something other than a real relationship.

I'm curious here.  What reason would this be?  Certain some people lack the necessary skills to tick off all these requirements.  Many of these skills come with experience and has nothing to do with being disordered or not.  How do you ferret out lack of experience from disorder?

I thought my ex was just lacking in experience when I first met him.  First off, it's not my personal obligation to put up with any particular behavior just because of someone's lack of experience.  In that sense, "ferreting out" lack of experience is not really relevant.  It's my personal choice whether I want to deal with that.  But I think the main difference is how important my feelings are to my partner.  If my partner always puts his ego before me and before the relationship, then lack of experience is not the primary problem there.  A good partner will care about how he makes me feel, period.  If he doesn't, why should I continue the relationship?

And as for "something other than a real relationship," I mean a female placeholder, arm candy, ego fluff.  A fair-weather friend who wants the good parts of having a girlfriend but who isn't interested in the real work of discussion, compromise, and sacrifice.  If I'm willing to do those things for my partner, it's only fair that they do them in return.

[C.Stein]

Yes, I'm talking specifically about my BPD partner.  But as I said, in my opinion, if "accountability" looks like anything more than a healthy conversation about why something bothers me, and that conversation doesn't lead to change, apologies, forgiveness, and better understanding, I begin to think that my partner is in the situation for something other than a real relationship.

I'm curious here.  What reason would this be?  Certain some people lack the necessary skills to tick off all these requirements.  Many of these skills come with experience and has nothing to do with being disordered or not.  How do you ferret out lack of experience from disorder?

I thought my ex was just lacking in experience when I first met him.  First off, it's not my personal obligation to put up with any particular behavior just because of someone's lack of experience.  In that sense, "ferreting out" lack of experience is not really relevant.  It's my personal choice whether I want to deal with that.  But I think the main difference is how important my feelings are to my partner.  If my partner always puts his ego before me and before the relationship, then lack of experience is not the primary problem there.  A good partner will care about how he makes me feel, period.  If he doesn't, why should I continue the relationship?

And as for "something other than a real relationship," I mean a female placeholder, arm candy, ego fluff.  A fair-weather friend who wants the good parts of having a girlfriend but who isn't interested in the real work of discussion, compromise, and sacrifice.  If I'm willing to do those things for my partner, it's only fair that they do them in return.

That all sounds like reasonable expectations from a partner.