possible BPD ex looking for some advice

[confusedhurt]

Hi All

I will try and keo this explanation as brief as i can but i am looking for some advice or some info from someone who may have gone through something like this.

I have had a girl in my life from when i was 18 i am now 29. we started off having casual sex when we were young, the girl was always "hard to handle" partying, drinking to much having a lot of sex with people. This has been off and one for the last 10 years so we have become good friends as well as anything else. we have both had relationships in this time and kept in touch as we have always said we would end up together one day. we know each other well and i have always seen she has had underlying issues with life never allowing her to be really happy but she had seamed to have calmed down a lot.

3 years ago we started a real relationship, it was amazing we knew each other so well we loved the same things and had the same ideals in life. after about a year the trouble started, she began to become vicious with me taking out her issues with work etc on me and telling me the things she had liked, our house my son and living in the north etc were a problem now to her. i thought it was depression but now i would describe it as a dissatisfaction with life. we stopped having sex as often, mainly because of me not being in the mood because of the hostility towards me and our relationships with our friends started to break down because of the arguments and hostility around us. she used to sit and talk about how she was going to go hear or there next month without thinking how upsetting it was for me that she may just up and go.

In the last year we broke up briefly she moved out but we kept in touch and the relationship seamed to carry on after although not as intense with us living apart. she then decided to take a job opportunity in the south for a few months "to get stuff out her system" at the start we were in touch regularly and she was coming home once a month to see me but this started to drift. i heard less and less from her and she started drinking a lot more (she always liked a drink) in the last month i hardly heard form her at all. when i did she told me she was going to france to travel for a while and she will not know when she will come back. this was one of about 15 different ideas in a few weeks. as a result we broke up on what for me was the basis go do what you need and we can pick up when you return.

2 Weeks later she contacts me to tell me she is now moving to manchester with a guy she has met. as you can imagine i was devastated i thought she wanted to travel not come back to a northern city i thought she wanted to be free not in a relationship. i e mailed her and the next day she said yer your right so I am now moving to vietnam. i felt this was more like what she wanted to do but seamed extreme. jump forward 2 weeks and she turns up at my house and is sat on our sofa telling me this guy is now her BF and they are going together in the mean time he is moving up to my area until they go. as you can imagine i was very upset and angry we had a short conversation where i told her she was appalling to do this when she could do it for her self and we could have been together again until she goes. i could she her want that but as she softened she would suddenly get hard and blank and say no i love this guy hes the one i think i will marry him (after a month) the guy was in the navy at the time so they had only met when on the drink and out before they got together and had spent maybe 6 days together fully at this point.

again 2 weeks later i send her a letter so she knows what she means to me. we speak, meet up and talk, again i can see she still cares a lot but its like she cant say it. we agree to try and make things right before she leaves as we had been friends so long. it also turned out this guy (who's a drinker, been shot out the navy for not turning up, has BiPolar and is emotionally unstable) had not yet got out so she had only seen him for 2 days out of this time. He then returned and she shut me off no calls no texts when i contacted her she said she wont speak to me eventually we arranged to meet to talk at the end of the week. then sunday comes the guy has gone off down south to be discharged and she calls me because she is stuck in some town and can i pick her up, i agree, like a fool as long as she treats me better than she has. we then met for a drink monday and she (after a drink) started saying i am a chameleon i change to who i am with ( after she told me she had been listening to dance music which she hates and he likes) that shes manipulative that her life is fantasy and most crucially that after we broke up and before getting with this guy she slept with someone who made her feel really bad. i think she is empty inside i can see shes in turmoil but i don't know what to do about that.

After this i don't hear from her all week then she texts me and wants to come down to mine so i can help her sell her car, ok i think to be mates (and to show her what she means to me) i can do that. she comes round and it turns out the guy never came back he just disappeared and went off on a drinking and partying binge saying he had had a breakdown when he got let out. she seamed cold calm and collected not at all what i expected then in the end she said hey i will come sunday and cook some tea so we can catch up and be ok. she came sunday and had heard from the guy, she started talking about how she had made a plan to go alone if she had to but had also made a plan to manipulate the guy in to going if she had to too. we had a nice night good meal nice talk funny tv again i could see she was happy and comfortable but its like see realised pulled back and had to leave all of a sudden. we had agreed that she would talk to me and me her what ever happened so we could remain in a better place. he came back and she then canceled the plans we had made and i stopped hearing from her.

My best mate is with her sister and from what i hear she is drinking a lot all the time, like when this guy returned she had to drink a bottle of wine before she could talk to him about things. she is also drink driving and being pretty crap to the people around her. now hes back she wont talk to me and if she dose it short and moody part of me thinks its him saying she cant and some of me thinks she knows i am a threat as the life we have is where she should be happy but is desperate to run away. she leaves in a week and i feel i have no closure and things are not good between us. i went to see my mate the other day thinking she was out (they live in the same house i tried calling her to check but she was dropping me as she was with the guy) and she was in so now thinks i was trying to turn up on her, when i tried to explain she didn't want to hear it and told me now hes back she dont need to talk to me, leaving me feeling used.

In a twist to this i took said "friend" home sunday and spoke briefly to her sister with him. they both basically b___ed about her drinking making mess etc i told them she will just need people if it doesn't pan out and there is no point trying to engage as she leaves so soon. tuesday he rings me and tells me hes getting greife because him and her sister think they said to much etc and he cant see me again. i text my ex an open message saying i am hear if she has an issue and we can talk.  the next day i get this text from my "friend" saying i have been telling my ex everything he said and to stay away from them all that i am trying to cause a rift in the family etc. i was fuming but didn't get petty i just told him i had said nothing, i spoke briefly to my ex who says she hadn't said anything but they told her i was b___ing about her etc.  TOTAL NIGHTMARE lost my mate now too. i guess because he is worried if we were talking that i may say something he or her sister said so he has helped create this and like a final nail in my coffin when i did speak to her she told me to stop being a psycho (great)

i know i shouldn't want it to be ok with us but a cant help but feel i have watched as she got down, the move didn't fix it so she got more down, she had a bad experience that obviously affected her and then she met this guy who cant be good for her but she is so invested in its craze, that she is drinking to cover up the issues she knows are there. i feel like she needs saving or to realise what shes doing but its to late to stop her they leave in a week i just want her to feel when she hits rock bottom she can come to me so we can get her help.

I hope this ramble makes sense it could have been so much longer as so many things have happened but what do i do, she goes in a week do you think she will contact me? should i contact her when i think its pushing her away? will i hear from her in the future? has any one else had anything like this happen and how did it pan out? i think she may be BPD/NPD because of the emotional switch off and flip flopping. can any one offer any insight in to this i can answer and questions you may have.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife used to compartmentalise people. I hardly spoke to my moter in law in the 14 years I was with my ex. Since we have split I found out that my ex told her mum I dint like her and wanted nothing to do with her. I was standoffish with my ex MIL as my ex had told me that her mum didn't like me and thought I was a ~@£$*"*$£&$***"*& (well I wont write it but it want very nice  )

It was her way of no one ever finding out the truth. If we didn't talk ten we wouldn't find out was had been said about us.