First post

[Zmig]

Hi,
This is my first post.
My husband was diagnosed with having BPD "traits" or "tendencies" (his words) before I met him.  I didn't know much--if anything--about it at all before he mentioned it, so it led me to my own research so I could maybe figure out some of his behaviors that had been plaguing me for months (suddenly going off on me out of nowhere being the main one). He says he has had counseling in the past (over 6 years ago for a period of time) and when I finally got him to go a couple of weeks ago to a first couples' counseling consultation/session with me he announced afterwards he's no longer interested because the therapist asked him too much about him and the session became about him.  He says he knows who he is, he knows what to do to control himself and he will learn nothing new in individual therapy.  So I accept that's out for now, but it's been like a door slamming in my face as I felt I was finally going to get this out into the open with a professional and would have support specifically around what's happening.  I also find it irresponsible that he won't seek help for something that is affecting me, but I know we are talking about an illness here where getting through the day may be enough of a challenge for him, so maybe that's all I can expect?
 I also believe there's a co occurring disorder, as he drinks enough for me to think he could be a high-functioning alcoholic (from the research I've done on that topic as well).  There may be some OC also, like having to repeat certain rituals every day (getting morning tea at Starbucks) to help him feel safe and secure.
When he has these things under control we have a nice time and the relationship mostly feels stable and perhaps even easy-going. The problem begins when these aforementioned "episodes" of going off on me occur, or if there's any kind of jumping down my throat when I'm talking, I immediately stop and then tend to pull back, for the rest of the day, maybe onto the next.  I'm no longer interested in sparring or trying to let hime know how this makes me feel.  These tactics have wasted a lot of my time, and I don't seem to be able to get the message through quickly enough to reverse his behavior  in the heat of the moment.  I'm also not getting most of my emotional needs met to begin with (he is very private and barely gives anything up about his childhood/past relationships that we could connect on) so when this happens I'm not interested in much of anything with him.  It's become an art to just *stop*.
His reaction to my pulling away is to then start acting like a "single person", by going out and spending hours at the bar, coming in late and disrupting my night.  It can just spiral from there. I imagine this could continue for many other nights where he chooses drinking over staying in with me.  One of my questions is; If I pull away in order to tend to myself after I've been invalidated/criticized/power-played but then he reacts by doing the same thing, why is the blame placed on me? 
I'm not interested in mothering/counseling him on all of this because I have to maintain myself because he won't get his own help.  Shouldn't I stand my ground? Or in a BP relationship are there other things I should try? Any other insights or thoughts would be welcome--this board may be the sane place I can find myself when I feel like I'm going to lose it. 
Thank you for reading!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WitzEndWife]

Welcome to the boards! First, I will say that the tools on this site are INCREDIBLY helpful, so be sure to check those out as soon as you can.

My HwBPD was resistant to therapy. We did couples counseling at first, which just turned into him talking the whole time, so it wasn't really that productive. Most of the time, couples counseling isn't. I got him to see a therapist briefly about a year ago, but this person was not effective, and I also didn't realize he had BPD symptoms. I kept nagging about therapy, until my own therapist, who saw him in couples therapy, mentioned that she thought he had symptoms of BPD. When I read up on it, it was like, "How do these people know so much about him already?"

Getting them into therapy can be super challenging, especially when they choose to live in a world where THEY are not the problem, everyone else is. And the more you nag about it, the more resistant they'll get. So, instead, you have to back off, which is an insanely hard thing to do. What helped me was to take the focus off of him, and put more focus back on myself, and into self care. Instead of worrying about HIS feelings, I try to worry more about mine. Therapy is helpful for me, and can be a really useful tool if you can do it on your own. I check in with myself regarding what my needs are regularly. Am I stressed? Maybe I need to go for a walk, or to see a friend, or to yoga. The more you do for yourself, the better the situation will be for you, and the more you can handle using the tools. Also, the more you let him flounder with his own emotions, and stop trying to make life comfortable for him, the more he will be faced with himself, which could eventually lead to him being able to recognize that something is abnormal.

It took a while, but my H finally got so depressed and anxious that he decided to try therapy again. He's been going weekly for about a month, and I'm already seeing small improvements (not typical, but I think he actually wants a solution).

It's really hard, and it seems SO counter-intuitive to just let someone fail at life, and feel bad about themselves, but the more you practice the tools, the better you get at them, and the more clear-headed you'll feel. Stop nagging, stop enabling, and don't mother. Focus on you, it helps!

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board ,

Your post sounds so similar to many of the stories here. You've come to the right place for support. It's frustrating when you know that counseling can help but your pwBPD refuses to go. Most do. On the other hand, since his issues are affecting you, can you get counseling for yourself?

Learning to validate your spouse before he gets to the point of blowing up is very helpful. Sometimes we invalidate and don't even realize we are doing it. Many times our pwBPD isn't really upset over what they think they are upset about but instead of the feelings associated with it--usually rejection, fear of abandonment, or feeling disrespected. To us their reaction to emotions seems irrational and out of proportion, but to them it is very real. And since they follow their emotions, their emotions become their reality.

We have many lessons on the right side of the page that can help you navigate a relationship with a pwBPD. To start you out here is a link to one of the lessons on validation.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating