SOS. Last Night NPD/BPD Mom and NPD Stepdad

[jmanvo2015]

Morning.

Those of you that have been interacting with me here know that I recently had to move in with my BPD/NPD mom and NPD stepdad and that I'm in my forties.  I made it for three weeks.  I was practicing validating, JADE and SET.

Last night, though, I just couldn't take the abuse any longer.  For the full three weeks, it's been nonstop criticism and the two of them ganging up on me.  I was being so courteous in their home and doing everything I possibly could not to disrupt their rigid routine and spotless home.  I offered to help with the laundry, cooking.  I was cleaning up after myself.  For the most part, I was just trying to stay out of there way and be invisible, except that I had to work at the kitchen table on my computer because I'm job searching and also doing some freelance work.

My mother had said I could move in with them.  I'd been feeling really lonely and having no work was worsening that and my finances were becoming less and less stable and she was lending me money.  I was thanking her constantly and working really hard to find a job. 

But, as usual with BPD/NPDs nothing was good enough.  No matter what I did, they found something to criticize.

My stepfather has been particularly cruel over the past 3 weeks.  When he wasn't outright ignoring my presence he was demonstrably seeming with resentment about my being there and/or finding something to criticize or demean me about (apparently, I gave my cat diabetes because I didn't take good enough care of him and so on.)

So, last night, I'm sitting alone at the kitchen table working on the PC.  They were in the den watching TV, their usual routine, which I never disrupted.  My mom came into the kitchen and she just starts criticizing me because I'd made a snack - with food I bought myself!  I just couldn't take it anymore and got defensive and asked why she has to constantly criticize me. She replied that I was "Crazy," a "b___" and "had no idea what I was talking about."  The argument escalated and she stormed out of the kitchen screaming.

Then, my stepfather walks in.  I didn't know if he was going to jump in and start ganging up on me - their usual routine.  Of course, he did.  He turned to me with his usual look of contempt and disdain and told me "you better shut the f$$k up."

I replied that he was the meanest person I'd ever met and of course the fight escalated and he came at me with his fist and that was it. Snap.  I just started pounding him.  I have never in the 45 years I've been alive raised a hand to anyone.  But I just couldn't take it anymore.  This man has been abusive and demeaning to me since I was 10 years old when he adopted me.  And my mother lets him treat me this way.  Well, more screaming and yelling and them telling me to get out and most of you know how the rest of this goes.

I had to quickly calm down and think through what I needed to pack and bring, but of course, I forgot important medications for myself while I was making sure I had everything for my sweetheart diabetic cat.  The whole thing was just a big nightmare.

Luckily, my uncle is letting me crash at his place.  He knows what my mother is like and also recently had his own blow-up with my stepfather for similar reasons.

It's just a nightmare.  I need to go NC.  I've always known this.  I just don't know how.  My mother will find a way to pull me back in, especially since I'm staying with her brother.  I am thinking just to go NC until my stepfather passes.  He's 80, but they have longevity in his family.  It's just that I can't do the two of them anymore.  The emotional and verbal abuse is epic.

I realize this is a very negative post.  I'm sorry for that and just greatly appreciate anybody who has advice about next steps.  I have already found meetings for Al-Anon, CODA, and ACOA that I plan to attend.  But I am broke and now homeless. 

It's just so heartbreaking and overwhelming that the 2 people in the world that are supposed to love and protect me have been the most abusive and destructive towards me.   :'( :'(   I really feel lost and helpless this morning.  I have to pull myself out of this victim mode. :'(

[yogibear60]

Oh my dear... .  My heart breaks for you.  What a terrible night.  However, it may be what is needed to start the travel of "change".  It took a major blow-up in my home to push me into action. 

First of all... .about your cat.  My mother accused me of killing my beloved cocker, who was 16 and full of cancer.  I hastened my father's death because he was spending time helping me fix up an old house.  The closer you are to something or someone the more deadly the aim at your heart. 

Secondly, your mother can not pull you back. I thought that too but in reality you come back by yourself.  This is a dance and until someone changes (you) the steps, the dance continues.   

LOL, I thought I could wait things out until my mother passed away too but she is still strong at 95 and I am 60.  I am not laughing at you but smiling as I thought that was an option too.  I did nothing but spent years in hiding, waiting.

My thoughts:  Have a frank conversation with your Uncle.  How long could you stay with him?  Are you really homeless or just in transition? ( working on being more positive here)  Are you worried that you living with your uncle is going to cause distress between your family members?  It sounds like that distress is already here for both of you so how much more damage could be done to an already tender situation?  Remember, your mom and step-dad will find other things to bring you to your knees and anything you do at this point is only a temporary "fix"  My mother took me from one chaotic situation to the next with little reprieve.   If you Uncle says " I can handle this" or indicates that he will continue to support you.  BELIEVE HIM.  You are worth it!

  Could you and your uncle develop a safety plan to keep both of you out of harm's way.  Don't take phone calls, block e-mail, whatever it takes.  If you can find a way to feel safe for the time being you will be able to start to sort out what will be the next step.  In any trauma situation, the brain can only take so much and thinking skills go out the window.  Share with your Uncle your wisdom of BPD - if you haven't already and get him up to speed.  I can't tell you how important and how freeing the concept of "One day at a time"  No more, no less.  Keep posting and don't isolate yourself.  I would think that with all these folks on this site... .there will be a ton of suggestion for you to think over. 

[jmanvo2015]

Yogibear60 - you don't know how much your response means to me.    I have been crying for an hour straight.  The truth is that I can't stay with my uncle.  He's an alcoholic and his house is a chaotic mess.  A few hours ago, my sweetheart cat took a poop on the bed because he's so afraid.  Last night, he hyperventilated for an hour.

Since I arrived at my uncle's, I've listened non-stop to all the things the world has done to him.  He thinks the same way as my mom: people are evil.  People can't be trusted.  Life is a fight.  The more he talks the more hopeless I feel.  As silly as it sounds, if it weren't for my dear cat, I might have simply walked into the ocean today.  His house is an enormous pigsty.  There isn't even a place to put my things.  Plus, I live in FL and he doesn't use the A/C and I'm overweight, so I'm literally dying of the heat and that's probably why the cat is hyperventilating.

I have already spoken to my mother.  According to her, I am "very ill" and have "Serious issues."  She said, sarcastically, "But it's all our fault.  We take responsibility." Then she told me that I could "take it or leave it." The offer: come back home and pretend this didn't happen.  Stay in my room.  Stay out of my stepfather's way.  They won't talk to me and vice-versa.  As soon as they sell a condo they're trying to sell, they'll give me money to rent my own place.

I am trapped.  I am like those women in the domestic abuse #whyistayed campaign.  There is really nowhere for me to go and nobody else for me to turn to.  Having a mother with BPD is not like having a mother who is an alcoholic or drug addict (though she is a dry drunk and descends from a long line of alcoholics) because with those illnesses other people see what's going on.  But in this situation, I just look like an ungrateful, emotionally ill daughter who can't get her own ___ together, especially right now with no job. 

[Louise7777]

Hi jmanvo2015!

I have read some of your posts. Im sorry for your situation.

This stood out for me: "My mother will find a way to pull me back in, especially since I'm staying with her brother. "

No, she wont. LikeYogibear said, we go by our own feet. Its a sick dance and we should stop it. They wont change. We will, if we want. You sound hopeless, but you are not alone. Most of us have been through similar situations. Empower yourself, you can do it!   WE ALLOW them to have power over us. The moment you realize you can stop this crazy dance, all starts to improve. Believe me.

Im glad your uncle allowed you to stay at his home, despite of his own problems. I see it wont be easy for either of you. You are not used to his ways and habits and Im assuming its not easy for him to share his home.

I see your mother told you to come back (and established some conditions). Is it possible to stay at your uncle´s? Can you help him clean his home or do some chores, grocery shopping, for ex? So he will feel happy for the help and you´ll feel helpful.

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Louise7777-


You are right.  I'm not a victim and I do have choices.  In this situation, I had to choose between the lesser of two evils.  About an hour ago, my uncle's friend came to the door, visibly stoned and the two of them left.  It didn't take much to know they were either going drinking or stoning.  My cat was hyperventilating because of the heat.  I kept offering to help my uncle clean, but he is living in a fog of depression and alcoholism.  He also had given me his bed, and was literally sleeping on 1/2 of a sofa with his legs dangling off. He was chain smoking so bad that I couldn't breathe.

My mother and my stepfather are very clean and orderly.  As soon as the cat got back here, where I am now, he was fine.  I reek of cigarette smoke.  I can actually smell myself.  I just don't think I would've been able to stay at my uncle's.  It was beginning to make me physically ill because it was so dirty.  And he wasn't seeing how messy it was, or letting me help him.  I think he left to go drinking, too, because my presence and the conflict with my mother was beginning to stress him.  He didn't want to be in the middle of that.  And, frankly, I do want to be here instead of with him.  All of my stuff is here and in order and if I'd moved it there, I don't even know where I would've put anything.  Also, my period was coming and I couldn't imagine having that at his house with all the dirt and the overwhelming heat.

I left him a note telling him how grateful I was and how much I love him and how I thought my staying there was going to cause him unnecessary stress and disruption, which I think was really true - and it was true for me, too.  I'm worried now, however, that I will hurt his feelings because he helped me and then I bailed.   What do you think about that?   

Yesterday and today have been crises.  I know about crisis because it's been hard to have a BPD mother without surviving a lot of them.  My T tells me that I'm not a narcissist or borderline, but I honestly think I have a lot of the same qualities and difficulties.  I totally lost it yesterday and was beating up on my stepfather.  I wasn't really hitting him hard enough to do serious damage and I didn't want to kill him or anything like that.  It's just that when he raised his fist and looked at me with contempt, the 3 weeks of pain just hit me and I reacted.  But doesn't that mean that I have borderline impulsivity too?   

The strange truth is that no matter how bad my mother and stepfather treat me I'm always more comfortable with them than others.  I am going to follow through, though, on the CODA, Al Anon and ACOA meetings and start making some friends that I can turn to for support when things get rough again.  Maybe next time that can help me not lose my cool.

[Louise7777]

Hey again, jmanvo2015!

"I'm worried now, however, that I will hurt his feelings because he helped me and then I bailed.   What do you think about that?"

Well, I think you should had waited and then told him you´d leave. But its done. Id be hurt somehow, to be honest, if I were him. He has his own problems, but he offered you his home and even gave you his bed. I dont see my own family doing it for me, honestly. I suggest you talk to him. Buy him something nice (Im aware of your financial difficulties), just to show your appreciation, something that he´d use in the house or some treat ... .

You suspect you have BPD/ NPD traits. There´s something called fleas too, I dont know if ou are aware of this. In any case, if you have traits and you realize it, its a great start. Im guessing you are confortable with your parents because thats familiar to you, even the dysfunctional behaviour.

I have never been to Al-anon myself (and never heard of the others) but I heard they are great. I wish I had joined some group years ago.

[Harri]

Hi.  Jmanvo, you have mentioned before that you have a T.  Please try to talk with them this week about what happened.   No matter how much you feel you were provoked the fact is, in your own words, you pounded on someone after losing control.  That you feel you were provoked is no matter.  The fact that he is an 80 year old man does not exactly work in your favor either.  

I am not trying to upset you or place blame, but it seems like you are not seeing the seriousness of the situation outside of where you are going to live and who you have to support you.

In the meantime set up a deskor table in your room so you do not take over the dining table.  You can even take your work to a cafe and for the price of a coffee you get free wifi and out of the house for a couple of hours.  If you are looking for other ways to get out, you could always go to your uncles place and rather than offer to clean just do it.  He recently lost his wife, he is obviously depressed and if he is like me when I am sick and depressed you can ask me what you can do to help me and it is far easier to say nothing or no than it is to list things that need to be taken care of.  So just do it.  It sounds like he could use some help and this is not the kind that is enabling.  

In the mean time, yogi and Louise had some good points about making choices and taking back you power.  Try changing the language you use when you talk about your situation.  Sometimes you say you chose to move back with your parents and other times you say you had to.  There is a difference:  in one you are a helpless victim to circumstances and in the other you made a choice based on what you thought was best.  Change your words and your thinking and feelings will change as well.

[Harri]

Sorry, I am on my tablet and could not get back to the bottom.

Jman, I catch myself doing the same things with some of my words and have been trying to consciously choose words that empower rather than defeat me.

Wishing you the best

[jmanvo2015]

Louise,

Thanks for being honest with me. Knowing my uncle as I do, I'm fairly certain I've hurt his feelings.  He is really down in the dumps.  It's just that so many times I try to do nice things for him or with him - even before his wife passed - and nothing ever makes him happy or is enough.  It's just like with my mom.  Those two most of had a childhood that makes mine look like Disneyworld.  When he left to go drinking/drugging, I wasn't sure if me stressing him was the reason and/or when he'd be back and in what condition he'd be in.  But, regardless, you're right, it wasn't very thoughtful for me to just leave. 

Harri,

You are right, too.  I shouldn't have hit my 80 year old stepfather.  But he's a big guy and he hit me first.  I'm actually genuinely afraid of both of their anger.   But your point is very well taken.  I have to be able to control my own behavior and actions.  If I don't than I'm doing EXACTLY the thing that bothers me so much about my mother.  I'm raging and freaking out and then blaming the other person instead of taking responsibility for that.  I tried to call my new T, but I guess she doesn't do the emergency phone call thing.  When I see her on Tuesday, I'll discuss this.  In the meantime, I plan to do exactly as you advise - to be out of the house as much as possible.  I can go to the library during the day and I can go to CoDa, Al Anon or ACOA at night. 

You gals are both terrific.  I appreciate that you didn't candy coat and you were honest with me. 

[yogibear60]

HI :  I think your update on your situation is great.  I get it, your uncle’s place is toxic.  You have some good things going for you…maybe can’t see it “the forest for the trees”, you know!

Gotta go back to your fur baby.  Everything happens for a reason and the two of you are a perfect match.  You are there to love your bucket of fur and take care of his\her  health and welfare.  Kitty is with you to protect your health and welfare.  I have a cat that has saved my sanity over and over again.  I have moved the boy countless times, even across country and he always comes though for me.  My job is to keep him safe and sound.  He just turned 19 this month.  We are also a good match!

There is a plan! WHOO HOO so the homeless stuff is now gone.  OK, so what I am not seeing is a safely plan for you.  What are you going to do to shelter your emotional health until you can move on.  Notice I said YOU.  This is about you making those changes. 

I am so drawn to your situation as there are so many similarities.  I will, if I may, share some of the things that I learned.  How I kept myself as safe as I could.  I am not going to color coat, not my style.  The people that I am closest to are individuals that tell the truth without embellishment. I appreciate directness and that is what I will do here, be direct…   Take what you want, if anything and throw the rest out.  No problem

I moved my mother out from the Mid-west to live with me on the East Coast.  She came not knowing anyone and to unfamiliar surroundings...   I knew within a month that a huge mistake was made but the commitment was made.  I was like you stuck with a situation that was not in my best interest.  Ten years later it took an act of congress to get her out of my home and to leave what little sanity I had left.  In my ten years living with Darth Vader ( my pet name for her) I learned the red flags.  Not only do I see red flags in your situation but it actually raised the hair on the back of my head. 

THE TRUTH ( as know from a semi-crazy cat lady)

1.    No matter what your folks have promised you about what to expect when you return home will not happen.  BPD is famous for telling anything at any time that works for them.  Especially being silent.  Yikes, how many times did I get blindsided for doing nothing.  Kind of like you having your snack in the kitchen by yourself. “Whoa, what the hell just happened?”

2.   The money they are offering you is the carrot.  Oh gosh, what is your weakness spot right now.  Ya got played.  Wonder how long it will take before  the threat of taking that money away from you will be used to “keep you under control”  Whatever version of control is meant in the moment.  The version will change as needed and without logical reason.  Darth use to threaten to give her money away to others when I mis-behaved.  As I gained more control over my home and gained enough strength to get her packing, she sold all her jewelry and let an insurance policy lapse. 

3.   NO MATTER what you do in their home it will not be enough.  Living in such direct contact leaves you little or no relief.  There is no such thing as “good enough”

4.   Be wary and I mean wary when there seems to be moments of clarity of almost peace.  I learned that some BPD’s get very scared of becoming to vulnerable and cause chaos to set that distance again.  I don’t know how many times I would let my guard down to be punched in the face. 

OK, OK, OK,  now the good news.  You will walk back into their home having a heads up and you can make some plans to safe guard yourself. 

Things that worked for me until I was ready to make my move.  Ten years is a long time but I had other personal things happen that kept me from gaining strength.  Lost a job and lost a husband to cancer, yikes some real breath taking adventures.  Anyway

1.    I stayed out of her way as much as possible.  I did so by developing coping skills.  I got heavy into a hobby... embedded is maybe a better term.

2.   I used Face book as a tool for social interaction.  I spent hours on the computer, reading everything and anything I could get my paws on.

3.   I had a tv in my bedroom and would go to my room sometimes as early as 6pm

4.   I have re-married  and the hubby and I would get up early. (she was a late raiser).  Spent time together in the early morning.  The minute we would hear her get up, I would head to the basement and he would head to the garage. 

5.   I stopped all conversation concerning what I liked, people that I cared about.  I gave her no personal information at all.  She can’t attack what she doesn’t know.  We gave no personal information about our relationship other than not allowing her to talk about one of us. 

6.   When she would start in I would stand there and work very hard not to respond.  Wait for her to finish and then walk off.  It takes two people to fight.

Make a plan, what ever will work for you.  If something in that plan fails, reevaluate and try another way.  All ya got to do is to make it one day at a time, that is all ya gotta do!

Now, I apologize the blabber…  I just want you to make it and you will…

[Woolspinner2000]

Jmanvo,

Saying prayers for you! Be safe, okay? Hang in there, keep in touch, and follow these great ideas from your fellow posters on this site. We care about you! 

It's normal that you feel as if you have BPD too because most of us have some of those traits or fleas, and I can pretty much guarantee that same thought has crossed every one of our minds.  Everything seems as if it is snowballing for you, but stop and take some of those steps to help you through this crisis. You can make those healthy choices for you, one at a time.  Have you taken a look at the Safety First area to the right side, and also the Lessons area for some possible help?

Woolspinner

[jmanvo2015]

Yogibear,

You just provided me with some very wise counsel and I appreciate your sharing the personal struggle with your mother and your coping methods.  Oh gosh, I wish I could get married    I want so much to find a man who really loves me.  I feel like if I did, I could get through the fact that my NPD father and stepfather really don't, but I also feel that because they don't, I'll never be able to find or recognize a man who can. Oy.    :'(  Being alone, an only child and without much family to back you up is really hard.  Yes, my uncle helped me, but frankly by the next morning he was already resenting my presence and drinking and I just knew this wasn't going to be the answer.

Anyway, my plan?  I love that I should have a plan.  I am formulating it right now.  This is what I am thinking.

Weekdays - Get up at 5am, go to the gym from 5:30 till 7:30.  Take shower from 7:30 to 8.  By 8, my mother is out of the kitchen and my stepfather has already left the house.  So, from 8-9, I'll have my breakfast and coffee.

9am - leave the house + go to the public library where there is WiFi and also pack a lunch to take with me.  Stay there until my mother gets home from work at 4pm and job search and finish freelance work projects.

4-6 - go for a walk around the golf course.  They'll be eating dinner at this time, and this will keep me out of their way. I can buy a chicken at Costco for myself to eat.

6pm + - go to whatever 12 step meeting is on - CoDa, ACOA, Al Anon and start making the 7-8 support friends I need to help me have an emotional support network outside of my mother and stepfather.

Once, I get a job and start working again, I will start socking away as much money as I can so that I can leave as soon as I really need to ( I need a new car soon, too, and probably eventually a new laptop)

Right now, that's the "working" plan

[yogibear60]

You rock, girl friend.   LOL, I AM AN ONLY CHILD MYSELF.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have a very small family.  I mean no dis-respect to others that have posted to you today but I said that I would be direct.  I have slapped a total of two people in life.  A three year old for biting and my 95 year old mother for attempting to bite me.  Proud of it?  Hell no but it happened and it proved to me that something had to change. It shows that everyone has their limits... .You understand that now.  Learn from it and go on and don't look back.  For heaven sake, I said before that trauma like you went though stops the old noodle from making choices that you may have really wanted to happen.  You did the best with your Uncle at the time.  Now leave it alone  Maybe later when you are more at peace you may choose something more or different and maybe not.  Stop putting additional pressure on yourself... .  My first question to you is always going to be "How are you working your safety plan?"

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you again Yogibear!    I'm going to the doctor this week.  I realized that when I had this reaction to my stepfather's anger, it was right during my 3 worst days of PMS.  I'm not making excuses, but I've never hit anyone - ever, ever and I certainly wouldn't want to hurt the old geezer.  The irony in all of this is that exactly one week ago, my mother announced to me that she thought me, her + my uncle should all get a place together and we should leave my stepfather because he's "miserable."  AND, two years ago, had I not removed a very large MAGNUM bottle of wine from my mother's hands, she likely would've killed my stepfather with it because it was quickly heading towards his head as I intervened.  (Yet, somehow when she does it it doesn't qualify as "crazy"    ) Anyhoo.  I'm going to ask my doc to prescribe a low-dose of Ativan.  This tranquilizer has worked with me in the past and I'll schedule my iPhone (I have an app for my period) to remind me to take it on my worse PMS days and I think that will tranquilize me enough that he won't provoke me to that kind of anger again.

Harri - right now, as I type, I'm at a local Panera's.  I went to the gym this morning, when home and showered and was out by 9am and here I am using their WiFi and job hunting/doing freelance work and keeping up with  you and other BPD Family friends.  Yours was a great suggestion. I already had a nice, light friendly banter with the man working at the table next to me.  And, a great cup of Monday morning coffee.  This is SOO much better than sitting in my parents kitchen listening to my stepfather grunt at me and seeing the miserable expression on his face 

I hope everyone has a great Monday.  I'm so incredibly happy and grateful to have found these boards.  YOu all can't even imagine what a God-send you are right now (and, yes, I've started praying again!)

     

Smiles and hugs from sunny FL 

[yogibear60]

Brilliant... .You are so actively working on your safety.  I am especially impressed with the insight you have shown around the PMS and doing something that will enable you to be more in control.    This is how you change the dance.  GOOD for you.   wishing you the best on finding that job

[jmanvo2015]

YogiBear et al... .

Just posting an update to this chain.  Today, I stayed out of the house all day.  However, this didn't stop my mother from emailing me to tell me how "sick" I am and how hitting my stepfather was the worst thing ever.  I know we're not supposed to defend or justify with a BPD, but I'm sorry folks sometimes with my mom that's impossible.  I had to remind her that I've seen her hit my stepfather many times and that if I hadn't taken a wine bottle out of her hand right before it hit his head 3 years ago, she would've probably killed him (it was a magnum).

It will never stop infuriating and depressing me that my mother doesn't ever see her comments as hypocritical and never takes responsibility for all of the bad behavior she modeled for me.

And, of course, my mother is vindictive.  So, yesterday when I returned home she and my stepfather were cuddled up on the sofa watching TV and I heard him whisper, "she's home." Then, they proceeded to completely ignore me for the entire night.  What's good and bad about this is that now that I'm 45, I can really understand how this behavior devastated me when I was 10 and throughout my teenage years.  I mean it's really hurtful now as an adult, but when I was a kid it was horrible.  Now, I can say to myself, "they're just asss that never grew up" but then it was so alienating and demeaning.  I'm an only child, so it's always them against me.

What kind of mother but a seriously mentally ill mother is so insecure that she has to gang up on and demonize her only daughter? And I honestly think she takes pleasure in this demonization and the power she has.  She gets a sick thrill out of causing me pain. 

I knew this would happen too, and it did.  I heard her on the phone when I arrived talking to my Uncle.  She was saying sarcastically, "Well, you know WE love you."  I know that my uncle was probably complaining about me because I left.  But, I left because in the midst of my crisis, while I was very grateful for his generosity and hospitality, he was talking nonstop about his own problems and was so self-absorbed and mired in anger and self-pity that he couldn't connect with me either.  I swear that my mother and brother must've had the most horrific childhood ever.  And now its 3 against one!  I can't win.

My mother is seriously damaged.  I don't understand how a mother can make her daughter feel so bad and just keep going and going and going.  She definitely has a sadistic streak.

[yogibear60]

It is so difficult in the situation that you're in.  I greatly respect your anger and frustration. I often think the same thing, that my mother thoroughly enjoyed the torment. Whether that's true or not I have no idea.I recently took the advice of some folks on this board that suggested that any mail I received from my mother I destroyed without reading. Is that something you would consider doing with any email that your mother may send you.

I also used to find her ignoring me offensive. However, what I found useful was to also completely ignore her. I would find a small victory if I could go two or three days without any interaction.  I found the silence peaceful.

If your mother is anything like mine she will disassociate any bad experiences such as what happened between your stepfather and her. My mother could not remember extreme negative interactions with me or with anyone else. Try to stay disengaged. In reality it means nothing to her and causes you nothing but great distress