there wasnt a great deal of trust in the relationship.
Up until we really started to go downhill I would say I did trust him... I was confident in the relationship, he seemed unhappy from about 6 months in… I put it down to it just being a rough patch, and us still figuring each other out. I thought we'd work through it. Mostly he explained his unhappiness was due to his work situation (and in his defence, he did have an unsettled time at work the whole time we were together.)
One theme that started about 3/4 months into the r/s was, he kept saying he felt like he wasn't good enough for me - but I took that as just low self esteem and tried to reassure him from that angle... it never really seemed to work.
It was a strange break up, kind of mutual... although I had a very different view on why we were breaking up initially.
Well.. When he really got depressed we had discussed that it was depression that was the issue... and while i was trying to see what else it could be (googling, asking a doctor etc.) bpd never came up. So although it didn't seem to quite fit entirely, I just accepted that was it - he was depressed, and I excused
all of his behaviour because of that (he was generally being passive aggressive and mostly looked at me like he hated my presence).
There was only one time I really tried to address his behaviour with him, he got to the point where he wouldn't let me even touch him, but would flinch away from me in a really exaggerated way... so when I got him to actually sit down and talk I asked him did he want to be with me - he said yes, he asked if i wanted to be with him, I said yes.
Once we'd cleared the air things were fine for a couple of days... at least, I thought. Throughout this whole period he blamed himself for his behaviour and really seemed ashamed. He would say things like
'I can't even be nice to those I'm supposed to love' (He was also not being v nice to the one family member who has stuck by him)
During this time he said he needed space to get himself together, to sort himself out, and... because none of my suggestions or encouragement seemed to be working I was like 'ok, cool - if thats what you're telling me you need, then I support you, whatever you need’ So we agreed he would move out.
Then, before he had a chance to move out, and him still being sullen etc, he messaged and said that he felt that the main problem was that he didn't feel good enough, and that he didn't know what to do to change his self esteem, maybe it would change after he moved into his own place and got back to good routines like exercising etc, but it was stressing him having me hanging around waiting for him to get better. I suggested maybe we could go on a break - get back together once he felt he was on the right track, but he said that would be no different.
He said he expected we would still talk the same amount, see each other the same amount regardless if it was a break or a breakup. So I said ok, if that's what you want - I will always be there in whatever capacity he needs. Neither of us explicitly said 'ok, we're broken up'... and in my head, I thought he was just going to get a bit of space and we'd get back together.. I guess i was very wrong about that!
The last proper message exchange (when he actually messaged off his own back being nice so I thought) was to tell me I am a fantastic person through and through... and he was so sorry for everything and that he really blamed himself and was beating himself up about it - I said I didn’t blame him, so he shouldn’t. It wasn’t his fault he was unwell.
Then he went and jumped straight into the next relationship.
At first, I didn't know about the new relationship - I was messaging him thinking he was still depressed, and wanted to be supportive (I also didn't know about the bpd at this point, and didn't find out about the new r/s for a month and a half)
I guess he found his replacement then, because 1 week after our breakup chat he phoned me reacting to one of my messages he misread, and started saying we couldn't be friends he needed closure and to move on with his life, he never felt good in our r/s, he never felt good enough, should never have asked me out etc etc... like it was all my fault.
My reaction to that besides shock was to ask him 'what did I do to make you feel that way during our r/s'... He couldn't tell me - it did stop the tirade in it's tracks though and he choked out that it was his issue, the problem was with him.
I can't really tell you what
his thought process throughout this whole timeframe was...
the whole scenario is massively confusing for me. Clearly he decided sometime that we were not going to work out...but then why string me along? The whole timeframe for this was 3 months, and he kept saying he didn't want to break up with me because it wasn't really what he wanted.
It hurts a lot. I’m still struggling to process it really… it’s hard to accept and detach. I really thought we could work things through. Since learning about bpd though... logically, I do know that we aren't really right for one another. I guess the answer I am still looking for is, did he really love me? He said he didn't really want to break up with me...
He definitely seems very quiet bpd there was so much he was keeping under wraps... I only really saw glimpses when he lost his cool.
I think he does suffer with it though I realise I'm not a professional, but my medical professional friend suggested it, and I feel like I saw all of the symptoms at certain points looking back, other than self harm. He had suicidal ideation for sure -
That he would tell me about and message me about constantly, black and white thinking, push pull... I think 'I don't feel good enough' was code for don't leave me, unstable relationships with family and friends, lack of sense of self - he once told me when he was in the depressive depths he ceased to exist... etc etc.