Now what: It's the Holidays. Make peace. Or its the Holidays. Grow up.

[Seenowayout]

I'm pretty sure my mom is BPD.

"Walking on eggshells", "conditional love", "always about her" are phrases that I've often used to describe her.

I never heard about BPD until I fell into an affair a few years ago with a woman who was a classic BPD case.  That relationship brought me here.  The relationship is over, my marriage is too, and I'm now in a very healthy relationship with an amazing woman.  So happy.

But I've always thought my straying was an attempt to fix something deep that I never resolved with my mom.  They are similar in many ways.

And now it's the holidays.  And I've fell into an awful argument with mom.  I'm 56.  I planned on having the holiday away from her, with my children and my new girl.  I just wanted to have one for me.  Every holiday it was a compromise, trying to make everyone happy.  Never making anyone happy.

Anyway, when I told her I wouldn't see her this Christmas because I would be 1000 miles away, I was met with tremendous wrath.  I was at work and in the midst of a million things, and she called and was yelling at me like I was a child.  In fact I ran out of the building yelling back "why are you yelling at me like I'm an eight year old child".  It's a trigger for me.  All those moments of being yelled at.  Conditional love.  And I said "you've ruined every holiday I ever had".  Which is true.  My wedding day was all about her.  My dad's funeral was all about her.  Holidays were usually a time for her to lock herself in her room, or gloat about how I wasn't staying long, or something.

So I'm ready to write her off forever.  I blocked her calls.  She's toxic.  I don't want her to contaminate my new life or my brain any longer.  I'm ready to writer her off completely and my some of my sisters as well, as they are becoming mini versions of her.

I am a successful professional, an empath, with empathic children who are struggling with their own emotional vampires.

Is it me?  Am I being too harsh?  I feel guilty and empowered at the same time.

It's the Holidays.  Make peace.  

Or its the Holidays.  Grow up.  You're a good man and your value is not based on her needs what so ever.  I could honestly go on with never seeing her again.  And I feel like I need to hurt her for some reason.

Absolutely confused what to do.

Thanks.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Seenowayout,  

Sounds like you have officially hit the stress of the holidays, the unique version that comes with having a pwBPD in your life. My mom was an uBPD. I get it. You did well describing what a typical holiday can be like, yet can we ever really find the words to describe it? I think that those of us here, your PSI family, grasp it much better than most. Thank you for reaching out and sharing with us.

This statement that you made is quite telling to me:

But I've always thought my straying was an attempt to fix something deep that I never resolved with my mom.  They are similar in many ways.

This shows me that you have a deeper grasp of knowing that there is much more going on underneath, and good for you that you are able to see it and self reflect.    I think it is good and appropriate that you see and understand the toxicity, work on boundaries,  and that you continue with your personal growth and healing. There is a reason I share that with you, because even if we go NC with our pwBPD, there are still the voices inside of us, the long term affects of growing up in that environment, and that brings us back full circle to your quote above.

Keep growing, keep learning. Are you in any T or have you been? It is so normal to feel guilty and at the same time to finally have a tiny taste of empowerment.

Wools

[Seenowayout]

Thanks Wools.  You clearly get it.  No I’m not in T.  I guess I should.

What should I do?  Make peace?  Or never see her again.  My conscience says the former.  My inner child says the latter.  Honestly, it’s sad but I feel no loss

[zachira]

Welcome to BPD family! We are here to listen and suppport you. You are wondering whether to go NC with your mother. This can be an agonizing decision and it can help to remember that NC does not have to be permanent and you can go LC at any point if you choose to do so. You are in a good place to go NC or LC in that you understand the impact your mother has had on you both now and in the past, and now are in a healthy relationship. Your biggest challenge may be to get to a place where how your mother behaves just doesn't bother you that much; you feel less overwhelmed in the moment and for shorter periods of time by your mother's behaviors both past and present. I grew up with a mother with BPD quite similar to yours. I also have siblings and other relatives with BPD.  My challenge has been to become more grounded in who I am so I do not take on the toxic emotions that my family members with BPD try to dump on me. What has helped me the most has been long term therapy. Do take your time in deciding what you want to do, and enjoy your well deserved Christmas holidays with your girlfriend and your children without your mother! You may want to discuss with us some strategies to use to not let your mother ruin the holidays even though you will not physically be with her.

[Seenowayout]

Thank you Zachira!  I’m interested that you too have siblings.  Now that I’m keyed into BPD I see traits under every rock.  In fact I warned my daughter that her college room mate was exhibiting signs, and the room mates diagnosis had been confirmed.  I fear I see signs in my sisters.  Am I on a witch hunt?   Do you see symptoms in your siblings?.

Part of the difficulty here is my sisters are adopting some of moms stand — you have to put us first.  You have to do what we say.  You have obligations to family. 

Curious

[Harri]

Hi.

I fear I see signs in my sisters.  Am I on a witch hunt?   Do you see symptoms in your siblings?.

I think it is common to see signs of BPD everywhere after we learn of it.  It is also common and it makes sense that people who grew up with a parent with BPD or BPD traits will exhibit some if not many of the behaviors.  How could we not after being taught poor coping skills and poor emotional management?  Not only that, but many of us developed our very own poor coping skills just to survive.  It is rare not to come out of such an environment without a few issues and that is okay.  It is my personal be4lief that none of us come out free and clear those how things manifest may vary.

You ask about siblings.  I see several BPD traits in my brother.  Again, it makes sense.  I also had them and still do have a few that I manage.

What should I do?  Make peace?  Or never see her again.  My conscience says the former.  My inner child says the latter.  Honestly, it’s sad but I feel no loss

We can support you as you make this choice so I am glad you came over to PSI.   When you say make peace, what do you mean?  Can you detail what that means to you?

[Seenowayout]

By way of update -- It's a month and a half and my mom still has not called or texted me directly.  She has not apologized for her outburst or threats.  She clearly expects me to call and apologize for chosing to spend the holiday without her.

What kind of parent does this?  I cannot imagine what slight my children could perpetrate on me that wouldn't result in me calling, visiting, discussing, trying to understand.  My sisters are split on this.  Some think it's a two way street and shes our mother and I should be the big man and make peace.  There's some truth to this.  If it were a single event.  First time ever.  It's what I used to do.  Back when I was proud of being such a Christian forgiving man.  But come on now -- when does it become enabling and masochism.

The others are silent and watching.  They are confused -- and are fearful of such a dramatic break.  I was always her favorite -- because I always did what she wanted. Respect your  mother and father.

This whole thing has raised so many bad memories from my childhood -- her tantrums, her selfishness, her quirks, her  conditional love, her rages, her silent treatment, her ridicule, her coldness, her complete absence of parenting.  I see that I'm now blaming her for everything bad that  ever happened to me.  My failed marriage, my affair, my hangups.  I know she's not responsible for all of that ... but maybe she is.  Every day that goes by it becomes clearer and clearer.

What parent could do this?  Essentially put their own ego before that of their child. Especially as it becomes clearer that our own days are numbered -- at 56 and 76 years old

On one hand, I've never been happier.  I am completely free.  I am in total control of my life.  For the first time maybe ever -- I HAVE ZERO GUILT.   My girl loves me (poor thing, I'm sure she's being blamed, was always thus).   My kids love me.  My friends love me.  I'm killing it financially and carreer wise.

But that group of people that  I was randomly assigned to during my formative years -- their love is conditional -- as long as I follow the laws of the tribe I'm OK.  Get in line  boy.  Who do you think you are.  One called me an egomaniac.

Am I?  For watching out for me?  I'm a good person.  I've done nothing wrong.  I never deserved all those rages, those judgements, that emotional abuse.  Clear as day.

But I'm also colored with a sadness.  My own mother just doesn't know what love is, and never did.  And well, I never had that mother love so many sons speak of.

Facts are facts.

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks for the update, Seenowayout. Your actions shook the entire family system! That is unsettling for all. They have to blame someone for their discomfort, and right now, that's you (your only 'fault' is shedding light on unhealthy dynamics).

I can relate to your feeling relief and sadness at the same time, and I see so much of my H and MIL in you and your relationship with your mom. He kind of sees the need for boundaries but is still really stuck, especially when she lays on the obligation and talks about her own death. As the outsider, I get blamed for any discomfort the two of them feel in their relationship to each other, so you're probably right that your gf is being blamed.

I see that I'm now blaming her for everything bad that  ever happened to me.  My failed marriage, my affair, my hangups.  I know she's not responsible for all of that ... but maybe she is.

Can you talk more about this?

Here's to forward movement, for all of us!
pj

[Seenowayout]

Hi Pursuing Joy,

In a nutshell, my mom is a distant, uninvolved, vain uneducated woman with a volatile temper, crazy mood changes, who maybe cooked10 meals for me my entire life and had zero parenting skills.

I married a woman who was ivy league educated, tremendously involved mom, level headed to the point of passionless, and loved to cook.  I married the mom I always wanted.  But who wants a mom for a wife?

So after 3 children and 22 years of marriage I met a woman who was uneducated, vain, volatile temper and mood changes who couldn't cook or clean.  But she told me I was unique, she tattoed my name on her side, and told me I was the only man she ever loved (despite having been married three times).  She was physically slender like my mom.  Wore similar clothes and jewelery.  So I left my wife to be with her.  But it was then that she had me.  Like when Edmund had the Turkish Delight, the Witch is revealed.   Cue the black and white thinking, the rages, the running away, and all the crazy extreme BPD behavior chronicled before.

I got out of that situation by the skin of my teeth.  It took a while, but now I'm in the most healthy relationship of my life.  And looking back on the whole thing, I think I learned a few things --

1) I married a woman as opposite from my mom as I could find because I wanted my children to have a better experience, and thought I would too -- but something was always missing.  I missed the passion.  I felt invisible.  Meals neatly planned, vacations squared away, no rages, no slamming doors, but no romantic dates or physicality either.

2) I had an affair with a woman who was so much like my mom because subconsiously I was still trying to resolve old issues.  I kept coming back trying to make her happy, trying to tell her I was a good man, trying to hear her tell me again that I was the only man she ever loved

3) And after a horrible horrible few years, like the arc of the hero, I've come out of Hell a changed man, forged in fire  -- I'm free!  Looking back, the new me cannot believe the emotional abuse I had been subjected to as a child and as an adult.  And even now my entire family try to use guilt to get what THEY WANT.  But their arrows bounce right off me!  I'm immortal.  Guilt has no leverage

But maybe I'm mourning the loss.  It makes me very sad to realize my mom would throw me away like that.  Would rather protect her ego or pride or whatever, than just throw it all away and say she's sorry.  Or not say she's sorry.  Just offer me to come over for some coffee or go get spaghetti or anything.   I half think she's afraid to.  I half think she recognizes the freedom in my actions and fears the things I might say to her.

Anyway -- this board is so great.  Thank you