Don't give in...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So many of us have suffered in love... .a selfish partner, a self-absorbed parent, an accusing child. I wanted to share thoughts from CS Lewis.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin.

But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love is to be vulnerable.

As we struggle through our journey of healing, it's important that we stay focused on what being fully healed means to us. We can't get there if we are not clear on where it is that we are going.

[Skip]

So many of us have suffered in love... .a selfish partner, a self-absorbed parent, an accusing child. I wanted to share thoughts from CS Lewis.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin.

But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To love is to be vulnerable.

As we struggle through our journey of healing, it's important that we stay focused on what being fully healed means to us. We can't get there if we are not clear on where it is that we are going.

[JNChell]

Good post. We have to be clear with ourselves on where it is that we’re going. This means making choices and planning around them. Today, I choose to be the polar opposite of my parents. I’m going to spend time with my Son in a polar opposite way that my dad spent time with me. I’ll ensure that my child is relaxed and validated. I’ll give him space to be himself, and embrace him when he needs it. He’ll be free to be 4 on Christmas. He will trust his heart on his own. I’m only here to guide him when he needs it. I’ll always be able to put the differences between his mother and I aside his and my relationship.

I miss his mother, but we simply didn’t work and never will.

Merry Christmas everyone.

[babyoctopus]

Excellent, to love IS to be vulnerable.

Some of us loved, and were hurt so much. But does that mean we don't ever love again? No, not for me.

In spite of all the things my exBPDh did, I do not feel its in my best interest to be unkind. Especially at Christmas. I made sure he saw his children. I got him a small gift "from the kids". I was grateful. Still, my boundaries were in place. if he's a jerk, doesn't mean I have to be one too.

This isn't always possible with someone who is treating you poorly. But for me, I found that being unkind made me feel terrible later. And nowadays, I'm all about NOT feeling terrible. I choose every day to be grateful and happy.

Merry Christmas!

[once removed]

stay focused on what being fully healed means to us.

fully healing can result in even greater capacity to love, even greater ability to be vulnerable.

it can result in greater resiliency in the face of knowing that we will be hurt again, will have our heart broken from time to time, but will survive again, even thrive again.

[Red5]

Good post Skip, .

This came to mind;... .Alfred Lord Tennyson, "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"... .

Love hurts... .sooner or later.

Here is another one from the “goat locker”... .

Samuel Johnson said (maybe?)... ."The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good,".

My Grandmother used to always tell me... .“what don’t kill you outright... .makes you stronger by and by”... .

Yeah, and for whatever it’s worth here... . in my short fifty two years on the earth, I’ve loved a few women in the romantic sense... .and without fail, I’ve hurt each and every time.

And I’m hurting right now,

But I would do it all again,

Red5

[Tsultan]

Thanks for posting Skip,

In my experience, I think joy and pain are inversely related to one another.  The better able I allow myself to feel my pain, to that same degree, I am able to experience joy. 

I read somewhere that the answer to the pain is "in the pain".

When I am able to feel it I can ultimately let go of it.  If I avoid the feeling it usually comes out sideways.

Tsultan

[Turkish]

What I take from that quote is if you want to feel completely safe then you need to kill your love and bury it.  On the flip side, if you want to love, then that takes a certain amount of vulnerability. Basically, don't love if you don't want to be vulnerable. 

[Skip]

What I take from that quote is if you want to feel completely safe then you need to kill your love and bury it.  On the flip side, if you want to love, then that takes a certain amount of vulnerability. Basically, don't love if you don't want to be vulnerable. 

In interesting interpretation.   

I think CS Lewis is saying that (or I'm saying) that however much you have shut down to protect yourself, remember that the goal is not to stay that way, but to get to return to a place of emotional openness, emotional availability for your next relationship.

[Sirnut]

Thanks Skip for posting this. Perhaps I might share something  in response.

When I first experienced the heartbreak that brought me here, one of the ways I dealt with it was to start a notebook of quotations that could help me to find meaning and purpose in what happened. This paragraph from CSLewis was one of the ones I wrote down. It meant a lot to me then, and it still does.

Oddly enough, I actually shared this quote with my Special Person at one time before we became estranged.  In a moment of clarity she asked why I stuck with her through all the dramas, and I used these words to explain it to her. She thought it very profound. But sadly it was not long afterwards that we had our final rift.

It all comes flooding back but the main point is, I’m learning to be ok with vulnerability. It’s better than refusing to love or, worse, being incapable of it.

Thanks again,
SN

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, Skip.  Great quote from C.S. Lewis!

Yes to getting to the point of emotional availability, open to the next r/s.

You could say that love involves risk, because without risk there is no love.

This may sound odd, but after going through the BPD wringer, I don't see any point in holding back.  I'm willing to take that risk!

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

From whatever description I could attach to this r/s, give it words like "nightmare" which fits well.

To move on from it and never risk being vulnerable would be the very worst tragedy.

its like getting over BPD relationship to end up - to becoming BPD. no thanks

[Lucky Jim]

To move on from it and never risk being vulnerable would be the very worst tragedy.

Well said, Cromwell.  That's why, after the nightmare, I'm willing to risk being vulnerable, because the alternative would be tragic, as you note.

Plus, I've discovered that there are kind and considerate people to date out there!

LJ