Vent: My DD20 is back to only calling when she needs something.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

My DD20 is back to only calling when she needs something. I wish there was some in between - not just constant calling with crises, or never calling until something happens. But if I had to choose between the two, I would definitely pick the latter!

I cosigned her apt with her (I pay it out of adoption assistance). Her lease is up in a couple of months. She had a roommate for like 2 weeks and he had a dog who destroyed all the blinds in her apt. This was a few months ago, but I guess the HOA finally took notice and sent the property manager an HOA violation letter. Gave us 7 days to fix the blinds.

I was planning on fixing them anyway, so I let her know last week that I would be up today to replace them. I messaged her last night to remind her, no response. I messaged and tried to call her today, no response. So I went up and just replaced them. She wasn't there and her front door was unlocked, which means she lost ALL THREE of the key copies I had made. Her place smelled just god awful, she had left raw chicken out on the counter for what looked like several days.

I was fine with all of that, except that on facebook messenger it tells you when someone has read your messages. She just read them and said absolutely nothing! No 'thank you', no 'sorry i missed you' - nada. I'm imagining she is mad at me for 1) not leaving a new copy of her key (i have one), 2) not throwing away the old blinds (i left them for her to throw out), 3)... .who knows?

I have no idea how she's even buying food because she got fired from her stripper job and she refuses to get food stamps. I have to assume it's some older dude (again).

I have been doing pretty well lately, and my last couple of interactions with her were pleasant. Some things just get to me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi hyacinth bucket

I can see how that must be infuriating for you. It's easy to react with a flash to her not responding or even acknowledging your visit. Boy oh boy, the old me would have had plenty to say  .  My son just wouldn't behave how I wanted him to.

I remember saying to him "it's always all about you, nobody else matters". Reading up about BPD and him slowly opening up about just how difficult he found every day life made me understand that he was just doing his best. Seriously though, it was incredibly challenging - what? Can't you see the rubbish all over the floor? Pick it up!

If my son was in your daughters situation he wouldn't have responded because he didn't want me to visit. When he didn't answer my texts or calls it was simply because he didn't want to speak with me. He wouldn't have been bothered about the broken blinds - he'd still be reeling from the most probable argument with the housemate. He didn't want contact because I'd bring further emotional stress to him - shame about the state of the place, judgment on how he lives his life. Even now we interact well he wouldn't want me in his place - ever.

Your situation is different as you're helping financially as there's responsibilities to the landlord that need to be kept. I did the same when my son was 19 and I was the one who dealt with the problems. Quite honestly he wasn't capable but maybe if I'd left him at least try, fail and then learn from the mistake he'd have learnt. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I understand that washing machine of a mind wondering why your daughter hasn't contacted you. It's just so tiring and wondering what's wrong this time. It's about learning to better cope emotionally and try and keep balanced perspective.

Take heart, your last two interactions were pleasant ones.  It's two steps forward, one step back. Reflection and then move onwards.

Do something nice for yourself today if you can. I'm not good at practising self care and as I typed that I thought "what am I doing for myself today? Nothing"... I need to change that.

What are you going to do next? Try and contact her or leave it for a while?

Hugs

LP

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi LP,

Thank you for your reply! I didn't stay mad very long. And i don't know how it hadn't occurred to me but you're right, she 100% didn't want me in her apt. I'm sure she expected me to comment on the raw chicken left out for days, which yeah I probably would have. She regularly won't let me in even to use the bathroom because she's embarrassed.
Thank you so much for the insight! I'm not going to contact her, I'll just let it be.