Do you ever "forget" why you filed for divorce?

[thinkingthinking]

BPDh has been "good" for the last 2 weeks.  He has been able to pick up and drop off kids without making a scene, working consistently, civil on the phone.

It took me a long time to decide to file for divorce and it is almost final; and then after 2 weeks like this, I start to wonder if I was overreacting to everything.  Logically, I know I was not.  His dysregulation results in drinking, gambing, etc. and he has tried to commit suicide twice.  Sometimes when I read that, I can't even believe it, but it is true. 

Maybe it is because I don't know how to be by myself yet, or maybe because I was used to covering everything up/keeping things peaceful, but sometimes I feel like I don't know where I'm going.

[ForeverDad]

Unless he gets into therapy and addresses his issues over the long haul by making real changes, the cycle will return, the only question is when.

Ask yourself... . Can I risk going back to the way things were?  Especially now when the divorce is almost final?  (As in, why did he wait so long?  That gives doubt to his sincerity or whether it is real change.)

Also, the worst of the behaviors usually appear the closer you are in the relationship.  If you've managed to get some distance, that also may be a reason he's behaving better.  Get close again and very likely he will return to his past pattern of behaviors - sooner.

[marbleloser]

Remember something,if he truly changes,truly loves you,truly cares about you,getting remarried is easy.Divorce is the hard part.Probably the hardest thing you'll ever go through.

[livednlearned]

I must be feeling healthy, because two weeks of "good" behavior does not sound very appealing. You want years of good behavior. Years and years and years and years, and that just isn't in the stars for many BPD relationships.

There's also the abuse cycle, which conditions us to feel so good when things are going smoothly, and we get lulled by that.

Filing for divorce is the single best thing I've ever done for myself and my son. It hurt like h3ll, but wow did I ever grow. I finally grew up and created a good, safe, productive life. I'm finally in a relationship with someone stable, normal, healthy, kind, considerate, intelligent, generous, attentive. That's why I filed.

[momtara]

I know, Kim.  I know.  Same deal over here, although I'm only midway thru the divorce.

Livednlearned, did you ever believe you'd be in a relationship again?  It's hard for me to imagine.  I feel like I'll have feelings for H forever, even if I don't want to live with him.

[livednlearned]

I had to do some seriously deep work to figure out why I would love a person who hurt me. Doing that work made me realize I was defining love in an unhealthy way, and that unhealthiness was poisoning my son's chance at being healthy in life. Then slowly but surely I figured out what healthy felt like, then I got stronger, then I realized I liked feeling strong and assertive, and having boundaries, and being alone felt totally ok and often even great.

Then out of the blue I met someone.

Anxiety and worry are forms of imagination. When dealing with pwBPD, it's best to really focus on what really happens, not what you want to happen.

[thinkingthinking]

I really appreciate your responses!

Met with my counselor today, and walked through the fact that I've lived in a constant state of "alert" for a very long time as I struggled to keep everything "even" in our house.  Now, when there is no drama, no one to take care of, I really don't know what to do.  Always thought that I was okay with being by myself, but the fact is that I've always kept myself so busy that I never was really alone.  So your comment about growing during/after your divorce really hits home.  I need to take some time and allow growth/healing. 

And just as I thought he was doing "well", he threw a little pouting fit when he dropped off our daughter tonight b/c I forgot about a birthday gift he already bought for her.  Nothing that needed to be an issue in any way.  He really is never going to change.

[livednlearned]

I can't remember who told me to "lean into the pain," but it has been good advice. It seems counterintuitive, but it's part of healing. If it's a feeling you don't want to have, like the stuff that comes up when you're all alone, lean into it and see what's there. It's probably a part of you that's been shut out far too long 

[momtara]

" I've lived in a constant state of "alert" for a very long time as I struggled to keep everything "even" in our house.  Now, when there is no drama, no one to take care of, I really don't know what to do.  Always thought that I was okay with being by myself... . "

Yeah, you may be a little codepdendent like me.  Before I got married, I was very resourceful, always writing and creating things... . but I always liked having someone rely on me.  I'm back to the creating/self-amusing person now. But still, there is a silence and lack of structure that's kind of odd at times, but sometimes a bit exhilarating.

[southerngirl]

Wow, you are speaking my thoughts.  I dropped off the check to hire the attorney today so I am starting the divorce process.  He doesn't know yet.  This morning was weird and frustrating and last night we had an incident but this evening he told me he loved me more than anything even tho I am not ready to love him right now. Guilt hit.  Watching him be kind to kids was hard tonight, tho he did have moments of mild control.  Sometimes I do forget. Especially in the "good" phases.  The good phases make it so hard. Like one of the posts said the abusive cycle always comes back and I have to remind myself of that.  But it's hard.

[marbleloser]

I really don't get a chance to "forget".It's usually something new every other day to remind that I did the right thing.

[thinkingthinking]

"Leaning into the pain" is exactly what my counselor encouraged in a way. I haven't been able to scrapbook or look at family pictures for over 5 years just because it is so painful.  She suggested sitting down with them and journaling whatever it brought up for me.  I hadn't realized how much I was avoiding some of this until this last week.  Because, there were good times and there were bad times.  And I need to acknowledge both to move on. But I agree, marbleloser... . 2 weeks is really a long time for my BPDh to be "good", and I usually am reminded pretty quickly that I'm making the right move.

momtara- Codependency is my middle name!   I'm working on that. Love my mom to pieces, but I learned it from the best!  I've read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, but I think I need to constantly be rereading it. I'm having to learn fast as I deal with divorce and my second child headed off to college in the fall. 

And southerngirl, hang in there!  Nothing about the divorce process feels comfortable, but I do know that I am much more relaxed and at peace with my husband out of the house.  As guilty as he could make me feel by saying nice things and telling me that I wasn't "giving it my best shot", I know I can not be happy living with him. 

[momtara]

Well, sometimes even good times were bad times... . I keep thinking back to good times, and remembering that even during good times, I had a sense of, "Will he cancel this event?  I need to be careful.  I need to watch everything I say." 

There are still things that are going to make me sad.  Songs that remind me of us.  It's just that it keeps coming back to this:  I can't take the chance of living with him when he causes so much pain and isn't going to change for years.  Maybe I'll get a legal separation instead of divorce, but with kids involved, I have to be careful about confusing everyone.

So yes, it's good to lean into the pain, cry and remember what you're giving up.  It also helps you face whether you are ready and how you will deal with the loss.