I am at a crossroads. I feel paralyzed by fear in deciding to stay or leave. My dBPD H has been in therapy for 5 months with a DBT specialist. He went off his anti-anxiety meds in July, when I posted about his severe behavior exacerbated by withdrawal. He hasn't dysregulated as severely other than that time but has threatened to leave almost every week since he started therapy. We set very specific boundaries around issues around my family of origin (with his therapist over the past 2 weeks) and hit a snag due to a misunderstanding this past weekend. He dysregulated and became abusive. He kept slamming on the brakes in the car because I had put the window down to stop him from yelling. Then he shoved me a couple of times because he couldn't get me to engage while he was lecturing me. When we got to the house, I began gathering my things to go to my sister's, as it was her birthday, and he kept blocking doorways and making sharp movements to make me flinch. I was crying and kept yelling to tell him to get away. I packed a bag for overnight.
He texted me and said he loved me and was sorry for "his part" in the argument, we didn't have to talk about it, and asked me to come home. I didn't have the nerve to ruin my sister's birthday by suddenly opening up about all the drama in my marriage. So I went home. I didn't respond to his message. He said nothing to me when I got home. I went to the bedroom and just fell asleep. He came in and woke me up by leaning over me to ask if I wanted some leftovers, I actually jumped at his presence. He was acting as if nothing was wrong.
I woke up and came into the living room. I felt so angry that he thought it was so easy to move on. He said he offered not to discuss it because he thought I would want that. I told him that the last time he showed physically abusive behavior that I told him it was the last time. So, we went round for a while about me leaving because he didn't take it seriously. He said he was sorry and knows his behavior was bad but still pointed out my "part" in the argument.
Someone on here once told me
The very first thing we are addressing is your abuse. At its core the abuse is about you controlling me. I am not saying that I have no issues to address. I am saying that while we are addressing your abuse, I am not discussing my issues or reporting to you over it. That would be giving you the control that your abuse is trying to achieve.
I did not remember this yesterday to say exactly but I tried to say something similar to no avail. He exited the conversation when I wouldn't just accept his lackluster, half-assed, and, by some authorities, abusive apology. We didn't talk the rest of Sunday night. Monday morning he just kept asking if I was leaving and I told him I didn't know. I know that I need to not talk to him about it again until I'm sure. I felt sure when I said it and then of course I lost my gumption.
I don't know what to do. If I should leave and give up for good or if I should try to mend this. He is giving me the silent treatment mostly. Until last night when he got home from his band rehearsal and he sat down in the living room and texted me "I love you". I was crying and I just said "I don't know what to do" and I asked what he was feeling. Well, that didn't make me feel any better of course because he was thinking about his feelings and how he felt like he was making all these concessions on our hot topic and because I have ONE boundary that I'm asking for right now to avoid conflict on the subject (which we discussed in depth over the course of two therapy sessions) and he feels that this means that I don't appreciate all of the compromises he is making on the topic.
Bottom line, I don't think I can move on my boundary and still avoid conflict, which is the whole point of this boundary. Eventually, we hope to improve handling family stuff together but for now we need some boundaries to eliminate conflict. I do feel worn down. This is starting to lead me into another severe depression. I did not move from the couch yesterday and I don't want to reach out to my support system because I can't burden them with this any more.
1) How to I enforce my boundary about my family in a loving way? And what do I do if he just can't get it (which is VERY likely since even his therapist has tried to explain this to him)?
2) How do I make sure his abusive behavior is addressed and establish a boundary around it?
A very confused Bloomer
