8 years in denial

[brighterdays83]

I don't even know where to start... .I've never been in a relationship like this before. All my previous relationships were normal. Everything tagged Red Flag will be major lies she said to me. But there so many little and smaller lies I can not even type them all I will run out characters to type . She lied to a boss about an abortion she had calling out of work saying she had a miscarriage, she lies to all her friends and co-workers think we are married when aren't. I begged her not to have the abortion but she did anway. It haunts her to this day. She even blames her for it saying I wasn't supportive.

I've been with my fiancee for 8 years now. I've been in denial until recently doing some research online that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's a high functioning Borderline with some narcissist tendencies and a compulsive liar. She's been both mentally and physically abusive toward me. She also was sexually abused as a child by an Uncle. Her father and mother split when she was young and her father moved to another country and wasn't really in her life but for some sporadic visits every few years.  She claimed her ex husband we will call him "Joe" physically abused her was jealous and had her followed by a private investigator and she left him after the investigator found her dancing with another man who was only her "cousin" . I don't know all the details and nor do I care but from what I know it was a very ugly ending. (I should have known the private investigator part meant something but it never dawned on me. She made herself out to be the victim and him the monster and I felt bad for her)

We have a blended family. My daughter from previous relationship, her son from a previous relationship, and we have a 5 year old daughter together. From the outside looking in people may think we are the ideal family, good jobs, nice home, kids, pets, etc. . But boy is that far from the truth.

I'll rewind the beginning. We met online. The beginning was unreal. No women ever made me feel like that so early on in a relationship. I remember in the first month or two half joking half serious one day you'll be my wife . it was all very fast. She was showering with me gifts all the time in just the first couple weeks of knowing her.  Even brought me to meet her Mom and family sometime pretty early in the beginning.

Red Flag #1 comes up. She told me to join facebook.  By now we've both said we are officially dating each other and not seeing other people. One day shes showing me it and her profile says single still I said jokingly oh you're still single huh . She goes no I'll change it to in a relationship. She struggles with it for a few minutes (I even tell her you don't have to change it) but she decides to do it. Not 10 minutes later after changing her status she gets a phone call she said it was her ex "who cheated on her" (we will call him Mike) that she had recently broke up with they argued for a couple of minutes and she hung up on him. Another guy comments under the Relationship status "Oh wow I didn't expect that, that was fast." IDK who he was and didn't care to ask and never did.  Remember I'm still on cloud 9 with her and it doesn't even phase me. She's like it will look better  please if you sign up and says in a relationship with you I decided okay what the heck I can catch up with old friends.  I sign up. Not a day later her ex Mike is in my inbox. He sends me a very long message saying that they JUST broke up very recently ( mind you we been dating for like a month + by now) and he is hurting seeing her and me together so fast. He also sends me messages saying to watch out for her she is a cheater and plays around with her phone a lot. He said she'd been cheating on him and it took him awhile to get her out of his house to move out after catching her cheating and playing games on him.  That he is just trying to help me out and warn me about etc. etc. I take him for crazy and blow off the messages and I tell her and she says he is just jealous and upset because she left him because he cheated on her. I think not nothing of it.

Red Flag#2 She starts getting phone calls late at night when we are in bed. She claims it's her "cousin" in Florida who just got out of the military. She would pick up sometimes and chat real quick and say she was iwth me and can't talk but most times not even answer She claims he is lonely and has nobody to talk too. It starts getting weird and annoying and something about it didn't sit right to me in my gut. But I never said anything about it. To this day don't know who it was bc she has cousins in Florida but none were out of the military. At the time I didn't think twice about it but today looking back I only can wonder.

Red Flag #3 this is the big one and was ALMOST was my escape. Mind you at this time my confidence and self esteem is still high , everything is going good I have the girl of my dreams etc. She always told me she had no friends really besides one girl . She was always texting back and forth with this "OTHER" girl she claimed was her friend from work for the past few weeks. One day we are at the movies and she tells them she is at the movies with me and can't talk. And they something really weird like "Well hope it's fun hanging out with him etc." It was really sarcastic and jealous and Something about this in my gut is not right I don't know why it bothered me so much all night. The next day I look in her phone copy the number of the "Girl" call it and it's not a girl but a guy answers the phone. I hang up on him.  I tell her what I did and we're done and I'm out of here. I left her house. I had it in my mind this girl is out of my life I was really hurt but happy I caught it early on. Mind you again my self esteem and confidence just took a major hit but I'm still high enough to move on. High enough I walked away with no fight and no sweat and left her. I hear nothing from her and was really sad about it. I think I even cried.  but ready to move on with life.  Next day I'm sitting home and who shows up at my doorstep crying asking for forgiveness. Her.  Swearing it was a guy she was only friends with but they never dated and she hid his number because she didn't want to cause any problems? I caved in and let her back in my life when I should have slammed the door in her face. To this day I don't know who it really was. I actually believed her though

So I take her back in my life. I really fell for her crocodile tears and things aren't perfect we start to fight a little but things are going pretty good but not like the very beginning.  She is a great manipulator

Red Flag #4 It's her birthday now we're about 4 months into dating things we're in the bed and she's looking through her facebook messages in box one pops up from her boss at the time. He is married btw. The message says "Ive watched you grow into a beautiful and amazing woman. I hope you have a great day. 143 ... .143 is a code for I love you. I thought him saying I love you at the end of the message was really weird. We get into a fight about it. I don't want to totally ruin her bday so I kind of let it slide.  Was something going on between them? I'll let you be the judge.

Things are pretty good for awhile we have our fights now and then but things are good enough where we move into together she gets pregnant and we have our kid... .Fast forward... .

Red Flag #5 After the baby was born she goes out of the country to a wedding bc of work I couldn't attend. She goes missing for like 2 days . She then tells me her appendix popped. All of a sudden she comes clean high on the painkillers and says she had plastic surgery (tummy tuck) and a butt enhancement or some bs. I was enraged she lied about it and said we're done when you come back. She comes back cries says all this bs and we stay together. I say okay let's work it out. She promises it's the last lie. She will be honest.

Red Flag #6 She lied to me about where she worked  One day I showed up at her job to surprise her to take her out to lunch I don't see her car in the lot I text her where are you. She tells me I didn't want to tell you but I quit that job. So now she was back at her old job with the boss from above (I believe he didn't work there anymore or at least that's what she said). Which was now over a hour and a half one way commute from where we lived. I was furious hurt and couldn't believe it.

There are so many more red flags I'm done typing them now. I feel she cheated on me recently in the past few months. Telling me things like we have nothing in common one day and the next day she loves me so so much. Going missing after work and now answering my calls and texts for hours. Valentine's Day weekend I made us a lobster dinner I ate by myself because she went missing for a couple of hours. She picked up one of my calls said she has to call me right back and hung up on me. I was worried sick something happened She's a retail store manager and claimed one of her employees grabbed outside of the store and told her he was quitting his job and it too over a hour or two to explain that .

She has physically hit me. Even in front of my daughters. She has mentally abused me and put me down.  My self confidence and self esteem are in the dumps.

Only reason I have stayed this long is because of my 5 year old daughter. I fear for her being raised by this woman. Her own 15 year old son a few weeks ago told me his mother is a narcissist!

I'm sick with anxiety and don't know what to do. There is so much more stories I could have typed but I don't have the time. I want out so bad but fear for my daughter. 

Thank you for reading this long mess of a disaster of 8 years I could sum it up any shorter.

[zachira]

The despair and frustration you feel after 8 years of being lied to and manipulated in a relationship is normal. I admire your courage to face the truth, no matter how much it hurts and how hopeless it seems. You are very concerned for your 5 year old daughter, and rightfully so. Now that you really know what is going on, there is hope though it may not seem so right now. Do try to get as much outside support as you can, whether it is counseling, friends, family, etc., It will help to learn as much as you can about women with BPD and how to deal with their hurtful behaviors, and there is lots of good information on this site. Many people who post here have been in similar situations: Some are still struggling; others are doing better after coming to terms with the challenges they are dealing with; and some have found solutions that have made things a lot better than they were.  :)o keep up posted and let us know how we can help.

[Turkish]

Hi brighterdays83,

I'd like to join zachira in welcoming you here.  

Being cheated upon is a huge betrayal (I was,  with two little kids). A separation doesn't necessarily mean she gets your daughter.  My immediate concern given what you said about her hitting you is that you are safe.  Are you physically safe,  or is the hitting infrequent?

You can get some perspective from this discussion:

3.04 | Domestic violence [for men]

[brighterdays83]

Hi brighterdays83,

I'd like to join zachira in welcoming you here.  

Being cheated upon is a huge betrayal (I was,  with two little kids). A separation doesn't necessarily mean she gets your daughter.  My immediate concern given what you said about her hitting you is that you are safe.  Are you physically safe,  or is the hitting infrequent?

You can get some perspective from this discussion:

3.04 | Domestic violence [for men]

The hitting is infrequent only when we have a real bad argument. Usually which is the result of me cornering her in one of her lies and she gets really defensive and snaps. It's like she gets this weird glazed over look in her eyes and will physically hit me or throw stuff at me, break stuff around the house. My well being overall is safe but it is those moments that this happens.

I really thank you guys for the warm welcome here! I've been doing my research and reading and it felt good to get my story off my chest as I haven't told anybody all of this.

[Cat Familiar]

Hello brighterday83,
I'm glad you've found us. This site has been a life raft for me. There are so many great resources to read and it feels so good to share one's story with people who know and have been there too.

I can check off all the boxes you're dealing with in my first marriage to a BPD husband: lies, infidelity, violence. (Thank goodness BPD husband #2 is mostly kind and responsible, but I had run out of patience with BPD spouses, so that's what brought me here.)

As I've come to understand my family of origin and how those patterns have affected my relationships, I realized that having been raised by a BPD mother set me up to feel "comfortable" with odd behavior that would send emotionally healthy people running to the hills. Thereby I ended up with two BPD spouses because they felt like "family".

I was about the age of your daughter when my mother came to me and told me that she was going to divorce my father and asked me which parent I would choose to live with. I told her that I would run away instead. No divorce happened and they spent the rest of their years together, my mother angry and complaining and my dad silent and withdrawn.

Often I have wondered how my life might have been different had they divorced and if my dad had found a kind, healthy new wife. I think he was basically an emotionally healthy man who was beaten down over the years by living with an erratic, angry, dismissive woman. He deserved better.

Please keep posting here and telling us more of your story. There are lots of people who've walked many miles in your shoes.

Cat

[AskingWhy]

brighterdays, one of the most painful things in a RS with a pwBPD is awakening to the illness as a syndrome with a clear clinical picture.

That does not make it any less painful.

What you need to do now is decide how to cope now knowing you are up against an illness with clear features.

In the end now, it will be what you want.

[Red5]

Welcome brighterdays83 !

You have found a good and safe place to come to, vent off, and most importantly; to learn all you can about the BPD phenomena.

Wow, you have been through a lot in the last eight years, it sounds a lot like my first marriage that lasted almost twenty-two years!

If I used your first post to make a checklist as it were, I'd have checked almost every item that you mention up there, in regards to my first wife.

Yes, every line item !

I am sorry that you are going through this, I know it is not easy, especially once you have a child involved.

Please tell us more as you can, and please know that you are not alone it this, many of us here have experienced so many things of the same sort.

Again, welcome, .and try to take good care of yourself, and stay focused on yourself, keep calm, and stay centered and grounded.

You are going to have to "rise above this", .you are going to have to let your fiancé go to a certain point, you cannot control her, or change her; you are going to have to "center yourself", so that you can survive the day, the next day, and the weeks / months to follow.

Much to learn here, start reading as you have already done.

Perceive of, and make a way forward for yourself, it may be without her, but you are going to have to survive this one way or the other, and most importantly, you need to take care of your children,

... .hang in there !

Best Regards, Red5