I think my husband has BPD: He punishes me for going out with friends

[Sofia35]

Hi everyone,

Im not sure where to start. My husband and I have been married for over a decade and thinking back of the times it is quite clear he has had these traits all the time but I was (still am) madly in love with him and I make excuses for his behavior towards me.

We got married very fast after meeting and everything was like a fairytale.
The verbal abuse started a few years in with terrible mood swings and never knowing what mood he would be in.

He is now quite abusive and one of his most common ways of punishing me (for example if I go out for dinner with friends) is that he doesn't speak to me afterwards for some time. It is now 9 days of him ignoring me. I will tell him I love him and miss him before he leaves for work and he just walks out. He also doesn't say hello to me on a regular basis when he comes home from the office.
Is this normal? Anyone else experiencing it? What can I do?

/Sofia

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[pearlsw]

Hi Sofia,

Oh my! Nine days is a very long time! That is worrisome!

When you say you make excuses for him may I ask about what and to whom?

Hmmm. I thought there was something on Silent Treatment in the library, but there isn't as far as I see. I do know this is considered abuse, and that it is considered by marriage therapists as a very bad sign for the viability of a relationship. He is basically trying to "teach you" that if you leave him, even for a short amount of time, he will make you pay. Do not stop spending time with your friends however.

Does anyone have some good resources handy to share on how to handle the Silent Treatment?

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Sofia, let me underscore pearlsw's advice to not stop going out with friends.  It is important for you to not become isolated.  Isolating someone from friends and family is an abusive tactic.

For more information on the problem you've described, visit this thread on the silent treatment.    You can also visit an educational page titled, Silent treatment:  when your partner pretends you don’t exist.

Do you have cycles of good times and bad times in your relationship?  If so, how long to the good periods typically last, and how long do the bad periods last?

WW

[Sofia35]

Thank you for your replies. I cried when I saw someone had actually taken the time to reply to a stranger. Thank you, Im grateful.

As for the excuses I have been making is for social situations. We were about to travel together for a long weekend in Europe and he stood me and our child up basically at the airport saying he had a headache and that he wanted to stay behind. I had huge anxiety and wanted to cancel the trip, he insisted he didn't want us around and I called a family member that said I should go anyway. I went for the trip and I told everyone he couldn't make it because of work. During the trip he called me asking me to do admin things and that it is urgent, when he knows I'm at a museum with our child, this I think he would do to put pressure and stress on me.

When we returned from the trip I had to beg for forgiveness for leaving him behind even though he actually stood me up.

Last minute cancelations for dinners repeatedly has made us have very few friends left. We cancel all the time due to him not wanting to go or changing his mind.

For my birthday he was angry with me for some reason (don't remember what triggered it exactly) he came into the bedroom to sing with out child. He had lit a candle and gave me a bowl of left over salad that he had grabbed from the fridge. Our child knew it was my birthday and loves birthdays but is to small to understand that a bowl of salad is not an expression of love. These things I feel is mean. Then he just left the room and went to the office.

The bad periods have become more frequent over the past 3 years and they last from a couple of days to weeks. I can see when he is on his way into one but there is nothing I can say or do to stop it from happening.

When we are in a good period, he is the most amazing man ever and I forget that he was ever anything else. Over the past year, something broke in me. He doesn't say hello when he comes into the house and he has not once over the past year asked me how my day was. I feel I don't exist and that my value is very low.
Im starting to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, I'm normal. I have an amazing career and get a lot of recognition in my country, Ive been listed as one of the most influential young women of my country and I get appreciation in my job. And Im thinking that if I am managing to have a good career and functioning social life, I can't be too un-normal?

[CynValkyrie]

Hey there,
It is so hard to feel so normal during the day but so unnatural at home.  That's how I feel as well. 
You deserve better treatment from the person who should be your partner.
The silent treatment is so hard and is definitely a manipulation or control abuse tactic. But I definitely want to encourage you, like the others have, to continue to go out and spend time with your friends.
This is something I have fallen into and I rarely go see my friends now. It is so hard to leave knowing the hate you will come back to. But stay strong. 
I am grateful I have found a group of online friends as well as bpdfamily to continue a social connection. 

Please know that you are not alone.
Stay strong. 
 

[Radcliff]

Unfortunately, canceled trips, threats to cancel trips, sabotaged trips, harassment and distractions while on trips, ruined birthdays -- all of those things seem to be common experiences for those of us partnered with a pwBPD.  I'm very sorry that you are experiencing this.

Feeling that we don't exist is a natural feeling when we are with someone who punishes us and can't connect with us.  I am so glad to hear that you have outside sources of validation.  Do not let them go -- it is important for you to have strong boundaries to protect your work life and your family and friend connections.

How old is your child?  How long does a good period typically last before trouble comes again?

WW

[Sofia35]

Unfortunately, canceled trips, threats to cancel trips, sabotaged trips, harassment and distractions while on trips, ruined birthdays -- all of those things seem to be common experiences for those of us partnered with a pwBPD.  I'm very sorry that you are experiencing this.

Feeling that we don't exist is a natural feeling when we are with someone who punishes us and can't connect with us.  I am so glad to hear that you have outside sources of validation.  Do not let them go -- it is important for you to have strong boundaries to protect your work life and your family and friend connections.

How old is your child?  How long does a good period typically last before trouble comes again?

WW

Thank you. This has become a reality and It is slowly sinking in that it isn't normal to be treated like this. I will never be good enough for him, I will always make misstakes and do the wrong things in his eyes. I have such feelings of guilt all the time.

Our child is 4 years old, he also occasionally ignores her as with me.
He has a temper so it he is always a bit on edge. I can't really say how long a good period is. This year it has only been a couple of weeks in total.

Yesterday he sent me a WhatsApp (while I'm in the room next to him) that he wants us to split our vacation this year so we don't do it as a family.

[Radcliff]

Sofia,

I am so sorry to hear all of this.  Emotional abuse takes a terrible toll, and when it happens behind closed doors, it's hard to know what normal is.  A salad for your birthday is not normal.  I'm sorry that you're experiencing hurtful behavior like this.  As I was trying to find a way to get strong enough to start protecting myself, the community I found here was my key to reclaiming my grip on reality.

When I was struggling to understand what was abusive in my relationship, where the line was between simply unhealthy behavior and outright abuse, this graphic on the Relationship Spectrum was a huge help.  When you look at that graphic what kinds of things do you see that are going on in your relationship?

WW