Two months NC - she just broke my boundary

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, two months NC have now been broken despite my request when we parted for her to respect that boundary as I needed it to heal, to move on. We were "together" for over two years. I left her in July having reached my limits the previous years - it took me that long to dispel the FOG enough to realise I had to get out. Six weeks later I eventually respond to her and we have a fresh start. It lasted for three weeks before "the usual" started over. Now, after two months, she's back in touch.

Getting the text made me jump out of my skin - coincidentally when I woke it felt like a "blip" day but I wasn't overly concerned as I can see that the good days are now outnumbering the bad and that I'm better than I was a month ago, I've done so much reading and understood our mutual roles in that crazy, toxic dance, but this has really shaken me. I'm not going to respond - honestly, I'm not! - but it's amazing how, even after all the searing heartache, the lies, the deceptions, the crocodile tears, the faux love, the triangulation (read definition)s, the disloyalty and disrepect there was still - still - a part of me that wanted to reach out to her and tell her that she'll be ok, that I'll be by her side forever, that she's safe with me, that I love her, that I'll meet asap, that we'll try again, that we'll work all the issues out, that our love will see us through. Then I realise that's the addict talking - the addict that's still hooked on an idealisation phase that lasted for five/six months at most and was willing to put up with all kinds of ___ to get that back. The addict, the lonely child, will get his say when I start therapy in a couple of months time. Til then, I'm keeping him safe in a locked room where there's nothing he can use to hurt himself/me. Til then, I'll keep reading the lessons and repeating the mantra that the disorder always wins.

For those five/six months I truly felt I had met my life partner -  I loved her with a depth, a passion, a sincerity, an intensity that I'd never felt before. I thought that we'd just need to weather the storm of some tricky circumstances (hers, naturally -  ) before the golden future that was always held in front of me, just out of reach, would finally be realised.

Why did I think/feel that? Because I dreamed a dream and I thought it true. It wasn't.

[John70]

Well, two months NC have now been broken despite my request when we parted for her to respect that boundary as I needed it to heal, to move on. We were "together" for over two years. I left her in July having reached my limits the previous years - it took me that long to dispel the FOG enough to realise I had to get out. Six weeks later I eventually respond to her and we have a fresh start. It lasted for three weeks before "the usual" started over. Now, after two months, she's back in touch.

Getting the text made me jump out of my skin - coincidentally when I woke it felt like a "blip" day but I wasn't overly concerned as I can see that the good days are now outnumbering the bad and that I'm better than I was a month ago, I've done so much reading and understood our mutual roles in that crazy, toxic dance, but this has really shaken me. I'm not going to respond - honestly, I'm not! - but it's amazing how, even after all the searing heartache, the lies, the deceptions, the crocodile tears, the faux love, the triangulation (read definition)s, the disloyalty and disrepect there was still - still - a part of me that wanted to reach out to her and tell her that she'll be ok, that I'll be by her side forever, that she's safe with me, that I love her, that I'll meet asap, that we'll try again, that we'll work all the issues out, that our love will see us through. Then I realise that's the addict talking - the addict that's still hooked on an idealisation phase that lasted for five/six months at most and was willing to put up with all kinds of ___ to get that back. The addict, the lonely child, will get his say when I start therapy in a couple of months time. Til then, I'm keeping him safe in a locked room where there's nothing he can use to hurt himself/me. Til then, I'll keep reading the lessons and repeating the mantra that the disorder always wins.

For those five/six months I truly felt I had met my life partner -  I loved her with a depth, a passion, a sincerity, an intensity that I'd never felt before. I thought that we'd just need to weather the storm of some tricky circumstances (hers, naturally -  ) before the golden future that was always held in front of me, just out of reach, would finally be realised.

Why did I think/feel that? Because I dreamed a dream and I thought it true. It wasn't.

[WhisperingGoose]

I really, really feel for you. I am in exactly the same situation... .every detail you describe, dates, everything is the same except my rs is five years.

I came here today to make a post to ask for help and advice because I received an email this morning that is really triggering me and causing doubts and I don't know what to do.  This is the woman I love asking for friendship and help, how can I be a decent person and ignore this plea? Part of me wants to respond to this at face value and swoop in with the friendship and support she is asking for, the way I would for anyone I cared for. This is the real and natural me who is driven to be of service to others. To be her knight and rescuer is a strong drive that contributed greatly to the problems we have had.

Then the realistic/synical part of me recognizes clearly that she is a manipulator and her message is perfectly crafted and timed to break down my resistance. Sometimes I think she is an omnipotent demon who knows just what to say to control me. Her manipulation abilities seem super-human to me while her empathy and morals seem decidedly sub-human. Other times I see her just as a wounded child and a lovely person who needs help, support and understanding.

How do you intend to handle your contact situation? Will you ignore her entirely or do you plan to return communication?

[Soxy]

John:  I read your post and I am very sad.  But it shed some light to my situation.  I was involved with a man with two children for almost 2 1/2 years.  We had plans on getting married, moving in together, the whole nine yards.  He moved out of his house about 2 months ago, has been going to therapy for 8, and recently came to me to tell me his therapist (no names here) had come to the conclussion that I have BPD.  We have broken up so many times, and have gotten back together. I also have someone I have been seeing for over 10 years that I cheated on with this married man.  It hurts me to put this down, but I now have recognized that I can admit to all the evil that has happened in my life.

I do miss this married man, but I truly know that it is best not to communicate any more.  I miss his children too.  Our last conversation he wanted something that was given to me from his daughter that has a lot of sentimental value behind it.  I told him I would not give it back.  He even offered money to pay for it?  Now... my question is?  I know I have some characterists of BPD, but was kind of a human being would offer money to someone for a gift that his child gave her?  Am I being out of line here?

 

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Soxxy, your question sort of hit home, I kept something a previous ex wanted back.  I did it to hurt him and now I reallly regret it.  I wish I had given it back because people are so much more important than things.  :'(

Hi BlueHorizon    Welcome and sorry you can relate to us on this forum but glad you found us.  I respond to my Ex for the most part as I would my brother.  Imagine a friend or a sibling writing that text to you, and it might be easier to respond if you wish to respond.  It's ok to delete it too, most people can figure out to seek therapy when they are in a lot of pain.  I don't hold Ex responsible for his disorder, I do hold him accountable for choosing not to get into therapy.

[Rose Tiger]

I imagine walking into Kindercare, going into the toddler room and saying, Hi little kidlet, I'd like to talk about the r/s and boundaries.  Imagine the look you would get.    That's pretty much the level of understanding that Ex is at emotionally.  So so so intelligent but just a little kid emotionally.  Boundaries are confusing.  Talking about the relationship is confusing.  Self control is non existent.

Johnny, can you block her texts?  Is there any reason to keep lines open?  Since the boundaries are our's to take care of us, we need to find ways to enforce them. 

[willy45]

Same thing happened to me.

The emails and phone calls about 'how she missed her best friend'. And then talking to her. And then getting such strange mixed messages about how the end of the relationship was just stupid and how much she missed my body. And then when I try to re-engage with her, she has no interest but just wants to 'be best friends' again, and travel with me and go on adventures with me. And somehow that would be OK to do when she has a new boyfriend.

Stay away. Good thinking. Do whatever you need to do.

I'm almost a month into N/C and it is starting to get better. Bad days. Good days. They come and go. But I'm certainly getting more energy now to fight off the depression and self-recrimination. I'm hoping that every day that goes by I can get stronger at that. I'm sure you will too.

And yes. Block her number. Trust me. Part of the anxiety I've been dealing with is being worried about phone calls and texts. Her latest trick was calling me from an unknown number. Which sucks. But perhaps your ex won't be so crafty and you can have peace.

[John70]

Thanks for all the replies. This'll be a brief response as I'm on my way out (keeping busy!) but I'll respond fully tomorrow... .The number is blocked on my phone but texts and voicemails still come through. Maybe I need to call the provider and ask if there's anything else I should be doing... .She's blocked on FB and would know that since she would have tried to look at my page. I think, Rose Tiger, that you're right re the futility of attempting to enforce emotional and relational boundaries with an infant. Your comment made me laugh bitterly too because I saw that confused look when we'd talk about such things! Like it was theoretical physics or something! She heard me say NC, would have seen FB is blocked, she heard me say that I regretted everything that happened between us and that all her relationships were dysfunctional yet still she tries to contact me. The only way my NC boundary will truly be broken will be if I responded. I won't. My borders now have landmines, searchlights, rabid guard dogs and reams of razor wire. She hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before, she gradually transformed me an insecure, paranoid, edgy, insomniac, depressed, anxious wreck of a human being. No more. The dance is over.

[WhisperingGoose]

Great insight Rose Tiger, thank you that's really helpful.  It is so difficult to understand that she truely lacks certain emotional abilities that I take for granted.  The analogy to kindergarteners is perfectly accurate.  I accually struggle talking to children for the same reason, I just treat them like adults and I'm really incompetent in dealing with tantrums and emotional outbursts... .hmmm there might be something there I need to dig out.

I am struggling with nc because I think of myself as a grown man who has mature relationships who works through issues with good communication and compassion and mutual understanding and respect.  This is evideced in my past relationships.  I would never just toss an ex to the curb.  I can not switch off my human compassion.  Obviously extricating one's self from a pwBPD is a special circumstance.  I am depleted and wounded and a sad shell of myself.  I recognize that I can not help her and my normally healthy ways of coping with relationships obviously are harming/triggering her and definetly allowing her to harm me.  I recognize that I am in a weakened state and the relationship is an addiction at this point.  She and I both know that I will respond like a loyal dog to a vulnerable person asking for help.  I don't want to loose this aspect of myself.  I want to continue to be compassionate and loyal and trusting in the future.  To desire an opportunity to act heroically is a positive masculine trait that I wish to nurture in myself.  pwBPD have a way of turning virtue into vice and I'm left feeling very confused. 

I am certain that at this point I must be focussed on whatever I need to do to heal myself without specific regard for her wellbeing.  The breakthrough is realizing that this is what is good for me and her as well.  Healing myself is the highest good for all.  My past mistakes mostly center around protecting her from reality, consequences etc.  The struggle is that she is robbing me of my virtue and my ability to trust.

I think that for me to feel satisfied that I have acted rightly and done my best will require one more communication to clarify my desired nc boundaries and the reasons for them.  I will not attach myself however to the result.  If she understands, great, if not oh well I did my part.  I wish to maintain my dignity (oops, a little late) and my honor.  Somehow unfriending her on FB and blocking her number from my phone doesn't seem dignified but I can see why it will probably come to that.  I'll just have to wait and see how big of a freak out results from my final email message. 

[John70]

Just realised that I haven't responded to these posts. Sorry, that was a bit rude of me. I was so pleased with myself for keeping NC that I rode that wave. I'll do so later. Really want to help others with my experiences if I can because this board has been such a lifeline of sanity for me... . 

[John70]

I don't know what to do.  The message I got after two months NC read, "I miss my best-ever friend so very much and am all regret and sorrowfulness without tools or you. Please help me".  This is the woman I love asking for friendship and help, how can I be a decent person and ignore this plea?  Part of me wants to respond to this at face value... .

Hi BH, I'm sorry to hear of your experiences - we all know how difficult the whole process of detachment and maintaining NC is, and attempts at reconnection by our exes makes it that much harder. In these relationships there isn't such a thing as "face value" - there are maladaptive drives and schemas at play which make all the behaviours - verbal and non-verbal - anything but face value. In my opinion, there will be a reason - unconnected to your needs - behind this contact:

Then the realistic/synical part of me recognizes clearly that she is a manipulator and her message is perfectly crafted and timed to break down my resistance.  Sometimes I think she is an omnipotent demon who knows just what to say to control me.  Her manipulation abilities seem super-human to me while her empathy and morals seem decidedly sub-human.

You know, after five years of ignoring, repressing, glossing over, denying her behaviours, that she can play your feelings like maestro - she knows that too!

Other times I see her just as a wounded child and a lovely person who needs help, support and understanding.

It's the wounded (abandoned) child that is reaching out to you, to your lonely child. She needs to be soothed of her core wounds. She can do that by getting to respond and getting you to play the disordered game again. The lovely person you experienced co-exists with the wounded child that hurts you. You can't have one without the other - as you would have seen during your five years together.

How do you intend to handle your contact situation?  Will you ignore her entirely or do you plan to return communication?

I intend to maintain NC at any cost. The pain is deep - I was in agony over the weekend knowing she would be hurting both by my ignoring her contact and by not texting her on her birthday. Then I forced myself to remember my reasons for NC. NC is for me to heal.

No one wins in these relationships. Like you, like everyone here, I really, really thought I'd found the partner of my dreams. Like you, like everyone here, that turned into a nightmare which is very, very hard to wake from.

Good luck BH, and I urge you to stay NC. I really do  

We have broken up so many times, and have gotten back together... .I truly know that it is best not to communicate any more.  

Hi Soxy

We've all done the former and known the latter yet we still keep going back for more, hoping for the idealisation stage to come back. It won't, and it's been hopelessly sullied by all that has followed anyway. NC helps to give an objective distance to everything, and insulates us from the attempts at manipulation and control. I wish you luck with your journey and hope you continue to examine your role in everything - we all contributed to what happened.  

... .such strange mixed messages... when I try to re-engage with her, she has no interest but just wants to 'be best friends' again... .

Hi JO, thanks for your words of encouragement. This board has been such an extended family and source of support. The messages are mixed and the behaviour incongruous with what's said because that's how the disorder expresses itself, it is the disorder. The emotional ambiguity (and that's a very gentle way of saying she really ****ed my head) drove me to my limits and pushed me way beyond them. No one has ever done that to me before. I could feel it happening when it did and it was a slow death of my Self each time I allowed it to happen.

I'm almost a month into N/C and it is starting to get better. Bad days. Good days. They come and go. But I'm certainly getting more energy now to fight off the depression and self-recrimination. I'm hoping that every day that goes by I can get stronger at that. I'm sure you will too.

Oh yes, I know the ups and downs. I'm thinking about her or the relationship every single day of NC but I'm not as angry with either her or myself as I was. It's process, not event. I really hope things continue to improve for you as you say they have been.  

[ExTreme]

I've experienced the ex hiding opportunistically behind a cloak of NC-issuing and boundary-making. Timing is everything here. It's easy now to pin down maneuvers he made: where and when, to cover his "two-timing" ways. Infidelity is painful to have to identify. I co-dependently trusted him with all my heart b/c I believed him to be a sincere, centered, loving man.  :'(

[ExTreme]

Make that THREE-timing ways