Intro: I've invested so much in this, love him, but he's verbally abusive.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Not sure where to start.  Not much time to go into much detail today, in the middle of moving! BPD hubs does not do well with stress and is so rude and disrespectful, and then accuses me of what he is doing.  It is crazy-making to say the least.  Sometimes I wonder if I might have some BPD as well (as he is always accusing me of being the problem) because there are times when I truly feel like I hate him, but it doesn't take a whole lot of affection and contrition on his part to make me realize I really DO love him.

I wonder why I have stayed in a relationship that is so verbally (and at times in the past, but not for a long time physically) abusive on a semi-regular (like maybe 1-2X per month) basis? What does that say about me?  I've invested so much in the relationship and so has he though.  We both are in successful professional careers... he is high functioning, and most people, unless they are close to him such as his kids, ex, and myself, would never guess at what he can become behind closed doors so to speak.

He came home from a 4 day business trip to China, and I know he was tired.  Picked him up at the airport after flying up to this condo we are moving 4 states away from our new residence where I have been working like a fiend packing up for the past several days, and he didn't even meet my eyes or smile at me as I drove up.  Almost completely ignored me the entire way back home, except to complain about what a pain in the ass this move was going to be, how hard on his back and so forth.  

Meanwhile, I had the results of a CT scan come in 2 days ago which he knows about and I have 3 suspicious nodules in my lungs and thyroid... not a word or question.  Came back to the apartment and instead of acknowledging all my hard work, he starts yelling about 'why are we taking all this crap?" (mostly my artwork and personal things) and "why didn't we hire movers like I suggested, but no you're so effing cheap, that I have to do all the work"  (This was never mentioned btw)  So I get quiet and he starts yelling about what a bitch I am to him all the time and how I have been "riding his ass' since the second  I picked him up, and also giving him the silent treatment (how does one do both simultaneously I wonder?"  

Then he will calm down for 10 minutes or so and say "You know how much I love you".  (I don't in fact know it anymore)  If I weren't so enmeshed in the logistics of our lives right now, I think I would have left last night, but the fact is I do love him, and I know I would come back, we've been down that particular road more than once.  It seems I  don't know how to set boundaries except to physically remove myself.  He is big and physically intimidating and he yells.  Although the neighbors called the cops one night last year and he has calmed down with that quite a bit since when he thinks he might be oveheard, which makes me think he's not as dysregulated as I think he is.  I mean he can control himself if he fear consequences.  

This probably sounds like a completely disjointed rant, and I have to run right now, but I was worried that if I didn't break the ice over here, I would put it off once again, and I need support desperately.  D

[AboutHadIt]

Not sure where to start.  Not much time to go into much detail today, in the middle of moving! BPD hubs does not do well with stress and is so rude and disrespectful, and then accuses me of what he is doing.  It is crazy-making to say the least.  Sometimes I wonder if I might have some BPD as well (as he is always accusing me of being the problem) because there are times when I truly feel like I hate him, but it doesn't take a whole lot of affection and contrition on his part to make me realize I really DO love him.

I wonder why I have stayed in a relationship that is so verbally (and at times in the past, but not for a long time physically) abusive on a semi-regular (like maybe 1-2X per month) basis? What does that say about me?  I've invested so much in the relationship and so has he though.  We both are in successful professional careers... he is high functioning, and most people, unless they are close to him such as his kids, ex, and myself, would never guess at what he can become behind closed doors so to speak.

He came home from a 4 day business trip to China, and I know he was tired.  Picked him up at the airport after flying up to this condo we are moving 4 states away from our new residence where I have been working like a fiend packing up for the past several days, and he didn't even meet my eyes or smile at me as I drove up.  Almost completely ignored me the entire way back home, except to complain about what a pain in the ass this move was going to be, how hard on his back and so forth.  

Meanwhile, I had the results of a CT scan come in 2 days ago which he knows about and I have 3 suspicious nodules in my lungs and thyroid... not a word or question.  Came back to the apartment and instead of acknowledging all my hard work, he starts yelling about 'why are we taking all this crap?" (mostly my artwork and personal things) and "why didn't we hire movers like I suggested, but no you're so effing cheap, that I have to do all the work"  (This was never mentioned btw)  So I get quiet and he starts yelling about what a bitch I am to him all the time and how I have been "riding his ass' since the second  I picked him up, and also giving him the silent treatment (how does one do both simultaneously I wonder?"  

Then he will calm down for 10 minutes or so and say "You know how much I love you".  (I don't in fact know it anymore)  If I weren't so enmeshed in the logistics of our lives right now, I think I would have left last night, but the fact is I do love him, and I know I would come back, we've been down that particular road more than once.  It seems I  don't know how to set boundaries except to physically remove myself.  He is big and physically intimidating and he yells.  Although the neighbors called the cops one night last year and he has calmed down with that quite a bit since when he thinks he might be oveheard, which makes me think he's not as dysregulated as I think he is.  I mean he can control himself if he fear consequences.  

This probably sounds like a completely disjointed rant, and I have to run right now, but I was worried that if I didn't break the ice over here, I would put it off once again, and I need support desperately.  D

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Thank you for opening up to us. I would like to start off and welcoming you here.   

You are going through a lot right now and I can only imagine the amount of stress you’re back facing. If I may ask if your husband diagnosed? If not how long have you suspected him to have this disease?

A lot of these relationships have us question ourselves at times. I know many Of us even wondered if we’re  the ones with the condition. But the fact that you are reaching out for help, is a huge indication that you may not have the disorder.

I’m sorry about your health and the ct scans. I hope things can turn up for you. How are you and your partner at the moment? Please share More when you can.

[Panda39]

Hi AboutHadIt,

Welcome to the the BPD Family   

I'm so glad you decided to jump in and post, everyone here has someone in their lives with BPD or BPD Traits. We get you here. 

It sounds like you are going through a very stressful time, not just for your husband but for you as well.  First things first is some self-care for you, are you able to squeeze in anytime for yourself in the midst of all this?  A nice hot bubble bath, a short walk around the neighborhood, call a friend and just chat for a little while... .Particularly with these new health developments self-care is really important. 

Are you able to recruit any friends or other family to help you all with the packing and move?  That might keep your husband on his best behavior and take some of the stress out of the move for both of you.

Not much time to go into much detail today, in the middle of moving! BPD hubs does not do well with stress and is so rude and disrespectful, and then accuses me of what he is doing.  It is crazy-making to say the least.  Sometimes I wonder if I might have some BPD as well (as he is always accusing me of being the problem)

This sounds like projection to me... .he his projecting his feelings about himself on to you.


Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Link to more on Projection... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

I think that recognizing projection is helpful so we don't take things as personally. 

I also want to say that if you had BPD yourself you would not likely be here seeking support, I think you can put that idea to rest 

Before I go, I wanted to point out the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information just click on anything that resonates.

Panda39

[pearlsw]

Hi AboutHadIt:

Wow! Your first post here is during a move? Yikes! I'm guessing you have been lurking for awhile?

I'd like to join CryWolf and Panda39 in welcoming you here!



As hard as all this is, I actually see a lot of potential for improvement here. When you come back please tell us more about what is going on... .What other traits does he exhibit?

I know it is hard to believe, but by working with the communication tools here you may some day be able to find more peace.

Sorry to hear about your health issues!   

wishing you the best, pearl.