PART2 Invalidation - the big trigger

[agotada]

Part 1 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326085.0

Thank you Panda39 and Harri. The pregnancy has brought up a lot of feelings. I still plan on going through with adoption.

I have also maintained the boundaries with my mom which is very difficult but the healthiest choice, as well as with my dad now. He has narcissistic tendencies, high paranoia and still suffers with addiction. He was not happy that I set a boundary and he spread lies to his side of the family about my sister and me being crazy and that he has done nothing. He even reached out to my sisters friends and ex boyfriend and he has a tendency of stalking people (he stalks my mom who won't talk to him, drives by at least once a day or sits in his car outside her house at 2 AM.) And he's hacked into online accounts before like facebook to find information that supports his paranoid beliefs. It's just super violating. But I'm glad I have decided to cut this toxic relationship. I have been seeing this psychologist since September who I really connect with. She diagnosed me with OCD and PTSD. A few weeks ago she said that from us talking she says I fit the criteria and likely have Avoidant personality disorder. She was going back and forth between avoidant personality and borderline, which of course scared me because I am petrified of being ANYTHING like my mom. I understand these disorders have a very WIDE RANGE and combinations of symptoms though which made me feel a little better. We'll see. I feel having a personality disorder would definitely help explain why I always have so much trouble with therapy and getting better. I always feel like a fail and a lot of the therapists I see are switching methods to find something that will work for me. It's a relief but also annoying because I HATE that this is not something you could just take a blood test or get a brain scan to prove. Everyone has different opinions and it often leaves me feeling that I'm just weird with no explanation to validate it.

[Harri]

Hi and thanks for the update.  I've been wondering how things were going for you.  How are you feeling pregnancy wise?

It is great that you are in therapy!  I know it can be difficult but it is so worth it and I am sure the support must be great especially during this time.  The behavior of your father is violating indeed!  Do you have ways of protecting yourself from his privacy violations?

I too am diagnosed with PTSD and depression.  I definitely have some of the thought patterns associated with BPD and honestly, I don't think any of us here got off scott free in terms of that.  How could we after being raised the way we were?  It makes sense to me that you would have some and that you fit the avoidant personality label too.  I bet I do if my T wanted to stick more labels on me.  I am not saying that to minimize you or your experience but rather let you know you are not alone.   And that maybe how you were raised and what you lived with is why

help explain why I always have so much trouble with therapy and getting better... .Everyone has different opinions and it often leaves me feeling that I'm just weird with no explanation to validate it.

  I hear you on this.  The thing is we do not fit into nice neat categories.  We are human and fortunately we are more than our labels, right?  Do you feel like your past is enough of an explanation for why?  I always wanted a clear answer and reason for my questions because in my mind that would make things easier for me to fix and address and I would feel justified for the way I was.  Does that resonate at all?  It's okay if it doesn't.  I am just thinking out loud here.

Anyway, I am glad you are back.  You can add us to your support network you know.