Hello

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,

I'm new here.  I found these boards because I think my ex-boyfriend has some symptoms of BPD.  I'm struggling to let go of the relationship and to not feel like it's my fault.  We are still friends on FB and occasionally he will like my posts and vice versa.  Other than that, there is no contact.  The relationship ended a month ago.

Thanks

[Aurore]

Hello,

I'm new here.  I found these boards because I think my ex-boyfriend has some symptoms of BPD.  I'm struggling to let go of the relationship and to not feel like it's my fault.  We are still friends on FB and occasionally he will like my posts and vice versa.  Other than that, there is no contact.  The relationship ended a month ago.

Thanks

[RomanticFool]

Welcome Aurore,

Sorry to hear you are going through a break up. It is a very painful time for those of us who have been caregivers to people with BPD or BPD traits.

You are in the right place. Many of us here are suffering the devastating emotional effects of our break ups and the often sudden abandonment by our exes.

Have a read of the posts on this board and the suggested reading materials at the top of the board. I have found that it really helps to understand more about the disorder and other people's experiences when dealing with a BPD partner.

The members here are wonderfully supportive. You are in the right place. Be good to yourself and keep posting.

[Aurore]

Thank you.  I really appreciate that.  I will take a look at the suggested reading materials.  I don't know if he does have BPD, but while we were together he did tell me that he thinks he has PTSD and bipolar disorder.  I just don't know what to think at this point.  He blamed all of our relationship woes on me.  There were so many signs along the way that I chose to ignore because of the intensely good things in the relationship.  It was simultaneously the best and worst relationship I've ever had.

Thank you for responding.

[RomanticFool]

BPD often gets confused with bi polar. Often people have both things going on. See if any of this helps:

Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Borderline personality disorder often occurs with other illnesses. This is called co-morbidity or having co-occurring disorders. This can make it hard to diagnose, especially if symptoms of other illnesses overlap with the BPD symptoms.
According to the NIMH-funded National Comorbidity Survey Replication—the largest national study to date of mental disorders in U.S. adults—about 85 percent of people with BPD also suffer from another mental illness.5 Over half the BPD population suffers from Major Depressive Disorder. When depression and BPD co-occur, the depression often does not lift (even with medication), until the borderline personality disorder symptoms improve.
Women with BPD are more likely to have co-occurring disorders such as major depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse or eating disorders. In men, BPD is more likely to accompany disorders such as substance abuse or antisocial personality disorder.

[Aurore]

Thank you.  I would say that he has about has five of those nine symptoms.  I think he tried to self-medicate with cannabis (he uses it legally for pain management from a couple of car accidents he had), so perhaps his symptoms are not as strong as they could have been.  I think he used the cannabis excessively though as a way of dulling his emotional pain and not just the physical pain.

The only reason that I considered BPD is because one of my ex's FB friends posted something on my ex's FB timeline about BPD.  It was a link to a study about how to distinguish psychotic symptoms in BPD from those in primary psychotic disorders and treatment options.  I don't know why the friend posted that link on his timeline.  My ex is a social worker so perhaps BPD came up in a conversation they had.  When I looked into the symptoms of BPD, I realized that a lot of them apply to my ex.  Fear of abandonment was huge for him.  He had at least one panic attack when he was with me because of the fear that I was going to leave him.  Our relationship lasted only a few months.  He came across as being really into me, like really, really into me.  It was intense.  But then when it came time for him to make compromises in the relationship, as is the case in all healthy relationships (all close relationships require some compromise), he refused to make any compromises.  He insisted on having things his own way.  There was a part of me that wanted to give in so that I could enjoy the intensity of his apparent feelings for me, but I think that is an illusion.  The intensity of his affection was just an illusion, but there's a part of my brain that wants to believe it to be true.  That's what makes it so hard to walk away.

[Jillian1231]

Hi Aurore,

I am so glad you are here and sharing.  Your experience is validating and inspiring to me.
I hear you saying that your head and heart are in conflict.

From my experience, I absolutely agree with you that the intensity and feelings are an illusion.
It sounds like there is a part of you that would like to ignore the red flags you are seeing/experiencing.  Please know that one of my biggest regrets is not paying attention to the obvious red flags that presented themselves.  Knowing that no one is perfect, I think we have a tendency to want to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when we shouldn't because we hope others would do the same for us.

You have a tremendous amount of self-awareness to be able to recognize your hearts desire to pursue the positive attributes of the relationship while your head is telling you to appreciate your self-worth more.  You should be really proud of that, this is not easy stuff to navigate.

[Aurore]

Thank you, Jillian.  I really appreciate that.

Yes, there is a conflict between head and heart.  I know that I need to move on, that a relationship with him will be unhealthy.  Now that we're apart I miss the early days of our relationship, but those were short-lived, in all honesty.  Eventually it came to be mostly about affirming him.  The relationship itself came to be toxic and miserable.  Those intense feelings in the early days were like a siren song, but I had no idea what I was dealing with or getting myself into or that it would eventually lead to misery.

There is a mixture of good and bad.  As for the good, he was there and supportive when my mother passed away.  He helped me find an assisted living group home for her to live in her final month of life.  He dropped everything to meet me at the ER when I had to take her to the hospital.  He came with me on several occasions to visit her in the hospital.  He was the one who informed me when she had passed.  He cleaned out my refrigerator while I got some much-needed sleep.  He overwhelmed me with an abundance of Christmas gifts.  He took time off to be with me when I made the funeral arrangements.  He bought me beautiful plants to adorn my garden.  I'm sure he had the best of intentions, but peppered in the midst of all of this kindness I saw the signs of dysfunction.  Yes, the red flags were there, but I so desperately wanted to believe that I had found a prince, especially while navigating the various feelings associated with knowing that your beloved parent is dying and you are her only caregiver.  I know he had the best of intentions, but his mental illness eventually got the best of us.

I truly hope he is able to get the help that he needs.  I don't know much about this disorder.  Perhaps therapy can help.  I hope that the FB posting was the result of him reaching out to someone for help.  I know that he knows that he is ill.  I do still love him, but I can't be in a romantic relationship with him.  I can still hear that siren song in my head, and it's so hard to resist.

[RomanticFool]

I would say that he has about has five of those nine symptoms.  I think he tried to self-medicate with cannabis (he uses it legally for pain management from a couple of car accidents he had), so perhaps his symptoms are not as strong as they could have been.  I think he used the cannabis excessively though as a way of dulling his emotional pain and not just the physical pain.

I found the following quotes online about people who take marijuana with BPD:

"I realized right away how it made my brain slow down enough that I could think. And it made the bad things not matter. It was heaven... .I can't remember ever feeling happier than I feel when I'm stoned."

take prescribed meds. They really, really help me. Frankly, I smoked weed a few times when I was young and it made me both paranoid and depressed. I don't use any recreational drugs, don't even drink. Remember, borderlines are prone to substance abuse and I want to keep my problems at a minimum  :D .
I'm sure some people like weed, but you never know what they put in it and it IS a depressant and I personally have not felt inclined to go there again.

it made my symptoms worse hallucinating and paranoia became worse so i stopped many years ago

when i was a chronic it really helped me out alot , i was definitley more chilled out. I havent smoked weed in like 10 months ... i cant because it now i get super paranoid after i left rehab. but i wish i could start smoking again...

This is what the experts have to say on the issue:

“…individuals with BPD may turn to psychoactive substances to self-medicate. The self-medication hypothesis is a psychoanalytically informed theory of drug addiction. This means that it includes the emotional and psychological dimensions in viewing addiction as a compensatory means to modulate effects from stressful states that are unmanageable for an individual. …nearly half of those with BPD have histories of substance use disorder. Rates of current and lifetime substance use vary from 14 to 72 percent. Other researchers have found a lifetime comorbidity rate of substance use disorder and BPD of 63.5 percent. This data demonstrates a clear relationship between substance use disorders and borderline personality.” www.borderline-personality-disorder.com/co-occuring-disorders/substance-abuse/

Overall, even though some report that it calms their symptoms and slows their brain, long term use of cannibis will probably make the condition worse and could lead to addiction.

The only reason that I considered BPD is because one of my ex's FB friends posted something on my ex's FB timeline about BPD.  It was a link to a study about how to distinguish psychotic symptoms in BPD from those in primary psychotic disorders and treatment options.  I don't know why the friend posted that link on his timeline.  My ex is a social worker so perhaps BPD came up in a conversation they had.  When I looked into the symptoms of BPD, I realized that a lot of them apply to my ex.  Fear of abandonment was huge for him.  He had at least one panic attack when he was with me because of the fear that I was going to leave him.

Perhaps his friends have noticed some of his behaviours too. If you scan some of my posts (particularly the one about what I've learned from these forums is that my ex is not to blame it is me) you'll see I talk about BPD in terms of it being a disorder of dysregulation in the following areas: Emotional, Behaviour, Cognitive, Interpersonal and self. This means that people with BPD or BPD traits (which applies to many people who get involved with BPDs) cannot control their emotional reactions to outside stimuli - hence the rages. It also means there is alot of noise going on in a BPDs head that they are constantly trying to calm from anxiety, depression and rumination. When you have all of this going on it is very difficult to be understanding towards someone else's needs. I have learnt that the reason I have involved myself in 2 BPD relationships (those are just the ones I am sure have BPD) is because I have the traits myself. It is said that we look for our emotional equal in a partner.

Our relationship lasted only a few months.  He came across as being really into me, like really, really into me.  It was intense.  But then when it came time for him to make compromises in the relationship, as is the case in all healthy relationships (all close relationships require some compromise), he refused to make any compromises.  He insisted on having things his own way.  There was a part of me that wanted to give in so that I could enjoy the intensity of his apparent feelings for me, but I think that is an illusion.  The intensity of his affection was just an illusion, but there's a part of my brain that wants to believe it to be true.  That's what makes it so hard to walk away.

When you first enter into a relationship with a BPD they 'love bomb' you. They are wonderful and complimentary and you feel that you have met your soulmate. The sex is often incredible and you cannot believe that you have finally met the person you have been looking for your whole life. You feel there is a closer bond with them than anybody else you have ever met - That is the seduction phase.

Then their feelings subtly transform - he still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. His interest becomes your exclusive interest in him. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate him, but more so when they focus on him. You can tell when this happens because you can feel him "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon his feelings and issues. Sex will be incredible. He will be instinctually tuned into reading your needs. It will seem wonderful -- for a while. The intensity of his erotic passion can sweep you away. Intensity is his life. But his intensity is double-edged. The other side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of his disorder -- and an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. His erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it. - That is the clinger phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion -- but when that part makes its first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

You can check out the full article here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

All of us who have involved ourselves with Borderlines are desperate to recover the seduction phase and the sex of the clinger phase. However, it is all an illusion. A BPDs brain doesn't work in the same way as a non (non BPD) and they are NOT experiencing the relationship in the same way that a non is experiencing it. If we have BPD traits ourselves, we probably have unwittingly done exactly the same thing to partners in past relationships without even realising it. I know I used to love bomb women when I wanted my fix of a close relationship and great sex, but didn't even think about the consequences of that further down the line.

The good news for people with BPD and/or BPD traits is that they can recover if they are willing to look at themselves in therapy. I came here about 2 weeks ago full of pain and anger towards my exBPD married lover for how she behaved in our relationship (Silent Treatment, disappearances, no interest in my emotional life, crazy making, lies and finally said she could no longer see me as her husband found out about us) making it impossible for me to stick around. I had to walk away and I came here to rage about her. What I have discovered is that I have some traits myself, namley: empathy impairment, emptiness, abandonment fears, anger, anxiety and depression. This means we were triggering each other constantly throughout our 8 year on/off affair.

Walking away has been the most intensely painful thing I have ever done - because the bond was so strong as she was my emotional (and sexual) equal.

[Aurore]

RomanticFool,

Thank you for your detailed response.  I appreciate it.  I am so sorry for what you are going through too. 

That's very interesting what you found about cannabis use and BPD.  My ex cannot get through the day without constant hits of marijuana throughout the day.  I would say that he's already addicted to it.  From what I observed, it goes beyond pain management.  He also vapes as an alternative to smoking.  He takes his vaporizer to bed with him and takes hits of that throughout the night as well.  When we first met he couldn't even sleep in his own bed.  He slept on the couch in the living room.  He said he was afraid to sleep in his room because of his PTSD.  He did start sleeping in his room while we were dating.  He got rid of his couch, as well as a lot of other furniture, when he impulsively decided to go into a used furniture business.  At the time of our breakup his apartment was filled to the brim with a bunch of used furniture that I doubt would be marketable.  He did no research into the types of items that are in demand.  He just started buying used furniture with the intention of reselling it.  It was all so haphazard and impulsive.  I can be a little impulsive too because of my personality type, but I would never have done what my ex did as far as getting rid of furniture I just bought and randomly filling my home with used furniture that may or may not be marketable.  It didn't seem that there was any logic or reasoning behind his decision.  It was just random and impulsive.

Thank you for the information you shared.  It is enlightening.  It's so sad so see a friend suffer from this.  I am happy to hear that people with BPD can recover in therapy.  I hope he does seek help.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Aurore,

Thank you for your detailed response.  I appreciate it.  I am so sorry for what you are going through too. 

You're welcome Aurore. That's what we are all here for, to help each other. Helping others is a great way for us all to heal. Thank you for your good wishes. One day at a time, the pain will ease.

That's very interesting what you found about cannabis use and BPD.  My ex cannot get through the day without constant hits of marijuana throughout the day.  I would say that he's already addicted to it.  From what I observed, it goes beyond pain management.  He also vapes as an alternative to smoking.  He takes his vaporizer to bed with him and takes hits of that throughout the night as well.

I totally get why a pwBPD would get addicted to drugs. Anything to shut the emotional noise going on in their heads. It is commonplace for a pwBPD to indulge in drink or drugs.

When we first met he couldn't even sleep in his own bed.  He slept on the couch in the living room.  He said he was afraid to sleep in his room because of his PTSD.  He did start sleeping in his room while we were dating.

PTSD sounds very traumatic.

He got rid of his couch, as well as a lot of other furniture, when he impulsively decided to go into a used furniture business.  At the time of our breakup his apartment was filled to the brim with a bunch of used furniture that I doubt would be marketable.  He did no research into the types of items that are in demand.  He just started buying used furniture with the intention of reselling it.  It was all so haphazard and impulsive.

As mentioned in my other post: Behavioral dysregulation is characterized by self-injury and impulsive behaviors (such as substance abuse... .)

can be a little impulsive too because of my personality type

How do you view your personality 'type?' It is said that many of us fall in love with our emotional equals.

Thank you for the information you shared.  It is enlightening

Keep reading and talking. The more you discover about BPD, the more you will discover how you came to be in a relationship with a pwBPD and your own personality in relation to it.

It's so sad so see a friend suffer from this.  I am happy to hear that people with BPD can recover in therapy.  I hope he does seek help.

You are a lovely person to wish him well.

[Aurore]

Thank you for your reply, Romantic Fool.  I'm still processing it all.  I don't know if my ex has BPD, but he does realize that he has something going on.  He's high functioning, so not many would be aware except the people closest to him.  I think his mother is in denial.

The relationship was harder for me to deal with because of my own circumstantial issues.  My mother was in the advanced stage of Alzheimer's disease and I was her sole caregiver when I met my ex.  Caring for her was a 24/7 job and very difficult and stressful.  I had been caring for her for a year-and-a-half when I met my ex.  In fact, I met him circumstantially in the context of her care.  I wasn't looking for a relationship.  I certainly had my hands full!  Half of the time spent with my ex was while I was still caring for my mom and the other half was dealing with the grief of losing my mom.  I'm still processing her death.  She passed away this last December.

Keeping busy with friends and working on a side business has been very helpful.

Thank you again.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Aurore,

I'm sorry to hear about losing your mother. That is enough to deal with on its own, let alone having a needy bf to deal with. You must be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

What is the situation with your ex now?

[Aurore]

Hi RomanticFool,

Thank you for your condolences.  I sure do miss her.

No contact with my ex, except occasionally he will still like some of my FB posts.  I don't expect to hear from him.  He has a female best friend that he's known for years.  They dated briefly five years ago, but when that didn't work out they remained friends.  I think she's sort of a surrogate spouse to him, even though they're not romantically involved.  He treats her like a member of his family.  His mom does as well.  He's not very nice to his friend.  He's controlling and puts her down.  He treats her like a child and is often insulting to her.  I think she puts up with it because she has her own self-esteem and mental health issues.  She suffers from untreated depression.  Like you said, and it may be true, people will often gravitate toward their emotional equal.  My ex seemed to feel more comfortable with his friend than with me.  I think perhaps it's because she suffers from mental health issues as well and that makes him feel less lonely.  Ironically he cites her depression as one of the primary reasons for not being interested in dating her.  They are both like children emotionally, but he's 42 and she's 38.

Toward the end of our relationship, he started to invite her on dates with us, and when we did activities on the weekend, he invited her along.  That became an issue for me, and when I tried to address it with him he accused me of being manipulative and controlling.  I think she's been that one constant in his life, which is why he refused to budge or try to reach a reasonable compromise.  (I also just learned from this website, that pwBPD have a hard time with negotiation and reaching compromises.  That was certainly true in his case.  He would react as if I was trying to remove his friend from his life altogether and he would totally overreact with anger and false accusations.)  He needed her, even if holding onto her so tightly led to the demise of his relationship with me.  

So now he's continuing on as before, treating her like a surrogate spouse/sister.  I saw from FB that he's up visiting his mom this weekend and has brought his friend with him as usual.  He even did that a few times while we were dating.  He would drive up to visit his mom, bring the friend, and leave me behind.  They shared a bed together. No sex though and I do believe that is true. There are framed photos of her with the family in his mother's house.  Sitting on the nightstand in the spare room at his mother's house, there is a framed photo of him and his friend.  In his apartment, he has a framed photo of his friend.  He never understood why this would bother me.

In any case, he's already back into the old rhythm with his friend, and since she's meeting his need for companionship, I doubt he will try to recycle his relationship with me.  I do think he has probably reactivated his online dating profiles as well.

Why did I date a man who exhibited signs of BPD?  Well I found his vulnerability and some of his childlike qualities appealing.  Also, I was groomed to be a caregiver.  My mother had a difficult marriage and so she turned to me to be a best friend and companion of sorts.  And so I was until she died.  Because of this, caregiver is a natural role for me to assume.  I am aware of co-dependency and could see myself easily slipping into that.  I wasn't willing to allow it in my relationship with my ex, which is why our relationship lasted only a few months.  I'm not willing to allow it with anyone ever again.  I am only interested in an adult-adult relationship where we mutually take care of each other.

[Aurore]

Interestingly enough, just yesterday he posted this on FB:  "[tagged friend], there are a lot of Borderlines here in [state where we live]."  The friend he tagged is not the same one who posted a link about BPD on his timeline.

Not sure how to to interpret that, but I found it interesting.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Aurore,

I posted this a short while ago and wondered whether it may have struck any chords with you:

I met my exBPD married lover 14 years ago. We spent 8 of those years together in a 'relationship.' Truth be told it wasn't much of a relationship because she was push/pulling me from the start and giving me the Silent Treatment all the way through. I don't believe she is fully fledged BPD but BPD traits because the rages weren't present, with me anyway. In every other way she is a classic BPD, although to be fair to her, I have no idea if she ever cheated on me. Though it felt like she did because she was married and she took a year out from our relationship and I know she was at a concert in London (my home town) with another man.

Anybody who knows me would think that I am simply not the kind of man to allow a woman to do that. I appear to be confident, high self esteem and a loyal sort of man. So why did I let her in and allow her to steal 8 years of my life? The answer is because I have been in denial about who I really am. A friend of mine said to me in my 20's (I am 54 now) 'The trouble with you Romantic Fool is that you want to be in love but you won't let anybody in. You keep pushing them away.' How astute an observation that was and yet the reason I behaved in that way was fear of abandonment and/or fear of engulfment.

I have learnt on here that under stress, I have empathy impairment and the way I have behaved towards my exBPD married lover has triggered her issues further. I also have extreme co-dependency issues and am a love and sex addict. When my exBPD told me that she couldn't see me anymore because her husband had found out about us, instead of being empathic to her feelings, I denounced her as a liar and pushed her away. In fact in the 8 years of the relationship, despite being so deeply in love I thought my heart would break if I couldn't be with her, I was constantly threatening to walk away. I behaved this way because I have anger issues myself. I have issues in my family background (absent father - domineering mother - parental dysfunction - inconsistent nurturing - tension and constant arguing in the parental relationship) that I believe make me susceptible to being in a relationship with a BPD and NPD; namely that I have those traits myself. Also because she has BPD traits, she was constantly triggering me (particularly my abandonment fears) and I was doing the same to her. The most revealing thing I have learnt on here is this:

Murray Bowen (Bowen Institute) says we mate with our emotional equal - not mirror image, but equal. Most of us have something going on. It could be simple depression, self esteem issues, co-dependence, narcissistic, poor attachment skills, etc.

Most of our partners are "pre-clinical" so the same can be said about us. The chance of recovery is good if we face it and work it

My work here is to be honest with myself. I have done the push/pull cycle in the past with girlfriends. I have been prone to rages. I have cheated. I have recycled (attempted to anyway - most of them weren't having it). I have had feelings of emptiness my whole life. I always feel lonely. I feel unsettled in my current relationship. I have issues around addiction (alcohol, sex, love, food, sugar, caffeine). I also have some dysregulation of emotions and behaviour.

These are the classic symptoms of a Borderline Personality Disorder:

1. Emotion Dysregulation: Emotion dysregulation means not managing your emotions in context. It happens when you must reduce or escape your emotions by not managing them, without regard to consequences. Emotional dysregulation can be rage, anxiety, depression, and not feeling validated.   

2. Interpersonal Dysregulation: Interpersonal dysregulation is indicated by chaotic relationships and fears of abandonment.

3. Self Dysregulation: Self dysregulation means an unstable sense of self and a sense of emptiness.

4. Behavioral Dysregulation: Behavioral dysregulation is characterized by self-injury and impulsive behaviors (such as substance abuse and promiscuity).

5. Cognitive Dysregulation: Cognitive dysregulation is indicated by paranoia and dissociative responses that are made worse by stressful situations. 

Dysregulation in any of these areas occurs when a person with BPD is out of control, not simply upset. Through the skills learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, you can learn to better control all of these areas by taking a step back, being more mindful, analyzing what works, and acquiring new behaviours.

If you met me you would never be aware of any of this. I am charming, polite easy to talk to and most of the time empathic when relaxed. I spoke to one of my friends yesterday who has been in a relationship with a fully fledged BPD and a fully fledged Narcissist and he tells me that I am nothing like them. But my own particular behaviour is well controlled most of the time. It seems to come out under extreme duress mostly in relationships. This is a spectrum disorder and I am sure I would be on the lower part of the spectrum for BPD and/or NPD traits but like most of us here, at a sub clinical level ie I would not be diagnosed.

I read the article on here about how a borderline relationship evolves: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

This article describes my exBPD married lover perfectly. Guess what? It also describes how I have behaved in relationships too. I have definitely done the seducer phase and the clinger phase - it was harder to see if I have ever behaved in the hate phase. I think I have. What's more I think I have behaved that way with my exBPD married lover because I have been in so much pain caused by her not committing to me.  I have devalued her (I told her she was not a complicated person or in any way profound but a classic presentation of a Borderline).

As I have said on here - I feel like Harrison Ford in the film Blade Runner when he discovers he is a Replicant.

Having said that, anybody who has ever come into contact with a fully fledged Borderline or Narcissist ie clinically diagnosed would dismiss me as an imposter. However, I am in AA but I am not a park bench drinker. There are degrees to everything.

I could easily be in denial about all of these traits and go on with my life. But I have felt emotional pain my whole life. I have had feelings of emptiness and loneliness my whole life. I have done the push/pull thing with past girlfriends. I cheated on my ex who wanted to marry me and she said, 'You don't want me but you don't want anyone else to have me.' That wasn't true, I wanted her desperately. I spent 10 years regretting that decision. So why did I cheat on her? Because she was controlling and told me that many men would find her attractive - unwittingly triggering my abandonment fears. Then she would shower me with love, unwittingly triggering my engulfment fears. I suffer from low level depression 'dysthymia' and have a skewed view of the world at times ie it is a hostile place. I have low self esteem and arrogance coexisting simultaneously. I think I am special and different and at times hate myself.

This in no way lessens my pain or absolves my exBPD married lover from the way she has behaved at times, but it does show I had a part to play in it and have certainly triggered her. It also explains why she is probably blaming me and I am blaming her. I do think I am able to sustain love in a way that she isn't - but even that - how would I know for sure unless I actually spent long periods of time with her? I have spent 8 years chasing her so I haven't had a chance to find out if I would have pushed her away like I have many of my past exes. Yet I feel like a victim because I have been dumped so many times. I have gone from relationship to relationship, rarely having a period of time on my own.

I was angry and indignant about the way my ex treated me when I first came here just over a week ago. I was challenged by the moderators on this site and I became even more indignant and yet I listened because I know deep down that something is not right with me. I got married at the age of 47. I have never had kids. I used to joke that I am commitment phobic and that I didn't want the responsibility of kids. Those were just my abandonment and engulfment fears at play. I feel so sad that I have struggled my whole life and not been aware of any of this. I am in a profession where many people have these issues and so within that world of narcissists, I look quite tame by comparison.
 
I am in the right place to get the help I need. I'm not saying this applies to you, but you may find some similarities with some of it.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Aurore,

I'd also like to remind you of the definition of Co-dependency according to Mental Health America:

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

I have been a member of AA for 14 years and the phrase that stood out to me is "Relationship addiction." As co-dependents we are addicted to the emotional highs and lows and also the negative feelings. Why? As a psychology Dr you'll know this better than me, but it probably goes back to childhood.

What I have also discovered is that Borderline Personality Disorder is characterised by:

unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.

Some of my relationship history could be characterised in this way. Less so with friendships, though there was a former friend who was a Narcissist and I ended up having to call the police on him. Why did I let him into my life? Food for thought.

[lovenature]

Welcome Aurore

I believe complete NC and learning all we can about BPD and our roles in it are the most important things we can do to recover. ANY contact sets us back because our minds and especially our hearts don't forget what happened.
Posting helps too, knowing your not alone going through this. It isn't possible for anyone who hasn't lived through a BPD relationship to ever fathom it, friends and family can do more harm then good through invalidation.

Sorry to hear about your Mom, cherish the time you have left with her.

Take care through this tough time

[Aurore]

Thank you, lovenature.  I appreciate your kind words.  I agree that disengagement is best.  My ex texted me yesterday in response to a text that I sent him over a week ago.  He still doesn't own up to any wrongdoing on his part and instead spoke about my transformation as if I am defective and in need of repair.  I think he meant it kindly which shows how skewed his thinking is.  I did not respond to him.  I am focusing on my relationship with God.  My peace comes from Him.  Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

[lovenature]

He still doesn't own up to any wrongdoing on his part and instead spoke about my transformation as if I am defective and in need of repair.  I think he meant it kindly which shows how skewed his thinking is.

Classic projection: he can't process his wrong doing because the shame is too great for him so he offloads it onto you. His thinking is a result of a mental illness running it's course, sadly it's a disorder that exists to deny itself.

The more you learn and the longer you are away from the craziness the clearer things become.

[Jillian1231]

Aurora,

So glad you are continuing to focus on healing yourself and becoming whole.  I have found that the best thing that has come from the crisis and chaos of my relationship wth my BPD ex is the reaffirmation of my faith.  No doubt self awareness of my emotional wounds and unhealthy relational patterns have been a gift that has given way to significant personal healing and recovery.  However, my faith and spiritual practice has developed and deepened, giving me inner strength to do the very difficult work required to nurture and repair the core trauma that has been revealed and runs so much deeper than the pain and suffering that existed within my relationship with my BPD ex.

Thank you for having the courage to participate in this forum.  Please continue to reach out.

Namaste

[Aurore]

Thank you, lovenature and Jillian.  It helps to know I'm not alone.  :-)

[Aurore]

So it's been several months since I posted about my uBPD ex-bf.  I thought I would post an update.

I wish I could say that I upheld NC, but I have had in-person contact with him since my last post.  We met for dinner a couple of months ago.  He immediately initiated romantic affection, which I did not curtail.  I still had romantic feelings for him.  He kept drinking beer after beer after beer.  The evening ended with me giving him a ride to his car and him pulling out his penis and masturbating in front of me.  Ugh.  Why I didn't kick him out of my car at that moment is a mystery to me.  I guess I don't want to believe that someone could be that messed up.  He did apologize later for "whipping his penis out.". It's the only apology i ever remember receiving from him.

We kept in contact even after that.  Until he raged at me for telling him about my work woes and my desire to change careers.  He took that personally.  This conversation happened over text.  I told him that I didn't have the strength anymore, that he was acting like a spoiled and selfish child, to please leave me alone, and never contact me again.  I told him that I would not contact him either.  I finished by saying that I hope he enjoys his new house and the rest of his life.  Then I blocked him on my phone and all social media.  He likely responded in a rage, but I wouldn't know.  I kept it that way for about a month.  I felt relieved.  Eventually I deleted his number from my phone altogether.  I haven't heard a peep from him.

He's been on my mind a lot lately.  I feel that it is such a shame he is so mentally ill.  I think if he were well, we could have made a good team together.  I caught fleeting glimpses of his personality in its healthy state.  It's such a shame.  That is all.