Navigating another breakup and feelings of guilt

[Fox98]

Hello everyone, it has been a while since I posted here. Me and my now ex-partner uPWBPD have broken up many times during our 3,5 year relationship. Last year we had a 2 month break when I decided to send her a message and we reconnected again. As always at first it was great but then the cracks started to show again.

Fast forward to recently, she has been having a difficult time and her response to that is to push me away or be really mean to me. She has admitted this, but still keeps doing it. Last week she told me she wanted a break for a couple of months and she said she would contact me again at some point and basically I had to wait for her. She also said physically I was totally great but apart from that she wasnt sure about me. She This remark has really hurt me a lot. I was so saddened by another break and the mean things the said. She always tries to paint me as an egoist and I only ever think about myself. This outburst happened because I forgot to put the food in the fridge at night her mom made for us. It was an accident but she could not handle it and I immediately begged her to forgive me when she found out the next day but she send me home and I already knew that would be the end.

I decided to delete her name everywhere and just go on with my life and see what happens. Yesterday she called me if I could come over. Her voice was sad so I gave in and went to her place. She feels like she's burned out from work and things are going pretty bad for her. Earlier that day I had met up with a mutual friend who also happens to be an ex colleague from her work. I talked with him about the break and how things have always been very rocky between us. I told her I met up with him and she asked me if I said anything about us and I was honest with her. This broke her even more and she was very afraid he was gonna tell her colleagues about it and it would spread around. She send me away again and broke the relationship off over the phone and send some more texts later. I was so worried about her because I left her pretty emotional so I texted her sister if she could keep an eye on her because she isn't doing well and that she pushed me away so I couldnt help her anymore. I know my ex would be fuming if she heard I contacted her sister. She never wants anyone to know how she is really doing and she does have a lot of history with her which is not all good. They are more in contact again lately though so thats why I decided to do it. I feel like my ex doesnt have a lot of people to turn to hence why she called me yesterday when she was sad.

The fact I talked about her with her ex colleague/friend and I texted her sister later on is making me feel very guilty. I feel like I handled it completely wrong but Im also dealing with my own emotions and the abandonment again. I have a tendency to share a lot of the problems with my friends as a way to cope with it. I am so torn with sadness, guilt and anxiety. I had no sleep last night. I just hope she will be alright and gets in a healthy place again. Everyone tells me I should never go back to the relationship and I hope I will be strong enough to not do that again. Hoping to find some reassurance here and maybe some reflection about my actions in all this.

[once removed]

I have a tendency to share a lot of the problems with my friends as a way to cope with it.

i think that if theres something youre going about in a less than stellar way, it would be how you are utilizing support.

experts will tell you that for these relationships, having a strong support system is really key.

yet, in 3 years, youve made only 3 posts, and not engaged the support youve gotten.

if i were you, i would want to turn that around. i couldnt have made it without this place, when i was going through it.

and if you think theres any chance (even 5%) of reconciling the relationship, i would be posting on the Bettering board, learning the tools, and working with others to come up with a very different game plan. something in the relationship is broken, and with each makeup/breakup cycle, it breaks a little more. it doesnt make any sense to return to the relationship without a very different idea of how its going to look.

it also doesnt make sense to lean on her sister or the mutual friend with details. those things are likely to get back to her, you know how she feels about it; no need to beat yourself up for it, just make it a point to build a support system you can rely on consistently and objectively, that isnt compromised. you dont have to do this alone. 

[Fox98]

Thank you for your reply. I am very lucky to have some good people around me that will always support me. I decided I will not look back this time and move forward. I really want a family, a nice quiet life and I know it will never happen with her the way I envision it. I am going to reach out to a therapist to work on certain personal things like me clinging on for way too long even when being treated so badly in a relationship. I still feel really bad for her even though I have gotten some very nasty messages again last night. I just hope the rage goes away and she will move on her own path of growth. I will always have love for her but I have to accept the fact this will never have a fairytale ending.