At the hands of a predator

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been a very long time since I was last here.  I have been NC with the uBPDm for 2.5 years.  I have been working very hard in T.  I have come to accept that the mother placed me in the hands of a known pedophile and would ask me after outings with this 50ish man (I was between the ages of 7 to 12 when this went on) if anything happened.  Well ... .   duh ... .   what 50 year old man hangs out with little kids taking them skating every week, to scouts, swimming, etc.  Being the good mother she was ... .   she always asked if anything happened.  He used to take me to church to play hide and seek.  He had keys to the church.  He always hid in the closet.  I didn't understand why he always hid here until one time I hid there too and was orally raped by him.  My good mother asked if anything bad happened ... .  

This was just one of several violations that occurred that could have been prevented had the mother had an ounce of decency and caring.

Feeling Angry ... .   HeaingHearts

[HealingHearts]

It has been a very long time since I was last here.  I have been NC with the uBPDm for 2.5 years.  I have been working very hard in T.  I have come to accept that the mother placed me in the hands of a known pedophile and would ask me after outings with this 50ish man (I was between the ages of 7 to 12 when this went on) if anything happened.  Well ... .   duh ... .   what 50 year old man hangs out with little kids taking them skating every week, to scouts, swimming, etc.  Being the good mother she was ... .   she always asked if anything happened.  He used to take me to church to play hide and seek.  He had keys to the church.  He always hid in the closet.  I didn't understand why he always hid here until one time I hid there too and was orally raped by him.  My good mother asked if anything bad happened ... .  

This was just one of several violations that occurred that could have been prevented had the mother had an ounce of decency and caring.

Feeling Angry ... .   HeaingHearts

[ScarletOlive]

Hi HealingHearts,

Welcome back! Ohh, my dear this is a very tough memory. I'm very sorry for what happened to you and that your mother did not protect you. It was not your fault. Please take good care of yourself and hang onto what grounds you. Sending lots of caring and support to you.   

[HealingHearts]

Thanks Scarletolive for the welcome back.  It is a tough thing to process the betrayal of that little girl that was me.  inmany ways it is devastating.  I only mention it be because the betrayal by some BPD mothers is so hard to even imagine.  I still fight with denial.  I know I am not alone when it comes to being SA at the hands of a BPD Mother.

[ScarletOlive]

HH, that is a deep betrayal, especially for such a small person. I know quite a few of us here can relate. You are not alone. Dealing with new memories is really tough, as is the denial. Why do you think we deny what we know to be true? It's good to see you on here. How are you doing at self-care right now? Keep posting and sharing dear one.

[HealingHearts]

Hi ScarletOlive

I think we deny for lots of reasons.  The little one who was abused cannot accept that the mother would allow this happen.  We had to believe that the mother had our best interest at heart.  To acknowledge that this was not true would mean that we would not be able to "rely" on this parent.  To be psychologically "safe" we had to believe that this parent would protect us ... .   even when it was not true. 

I work every day on self care.  I spoke to my brother last night and the mother is threatening to come to where I live to see my children.  She is trying to create a split between me and my kids. 

She is up to her typical BPD Witch activities.  I just want to get a broom and smack her over her witch head!

HH

[BlueCat]

  That is really tough. And I get what you wrote in the second post about having to believe our mothers are good. It's a protection mechanism. Once you admit to yourself that your mother does not have your best interest at heart that's when things start to go downhill mentally and emotionally.

My mother often talked about how her father molested her and what a horrible, violent, mean person both of her parents were, and then she'd send us for week long sleepovers there because she didn't want to be bothered with us. My grandfather only did something once to me and it was so minor I'm not even sure if it happened. Basically he put my hand on his crotch and then when I moved it, he moved it back. Nothing horribly traumatic but enough that I remember it still (I was very young and at 43 I still remember it). And yet it wasn't til I was an adult that I realized what you did, that my mother put me in danger for her own convenience. Because if I had fully realized that as a  young child then what? What do young children do if they can't trust their mothers? So they trust and they get hurt and they continue to trust until they can't anymore.

 

[Eva42205]

Thank you for sharing part of your story. I so appreciate hearing that there is someone else out there that knows EXACTLY how I feel. My BPD mom was SA by her father, and we had constant unsupervised contact with my grandparents until I spoke up at age 17. It's so terribly painful to work through. I'm so sorry for what happened to you as a child, and even more for the pain you've likely felt in the abandonment of your mother's care and nurture. I literally totally broke down on grief last night and went to Barnes and Noble to look for any book about surviving the abuse of a mother. You are not alone, and you are cared for here!