Does the BPD family member in your life try to pretend that "all is okay?"

[sad4mydad]

For as long as I can remember, my uBPD mom has always tried to ensure that the outside world thinks we are a perfect family. I distinctly recall growing up and she would be in middle of an hours-long rage at me and the phone would ring and she would answer, ever so sweetly, "Hello? Yes, how are you? It's so good to hear from you." 

And when she hung up, the rage would continue.

I never called her out on it.  I found it was easier to endure the rage and just wait until it was over. 

Now, I am getting fed up. 

She and my dad are not getting along.  My dad and I suspect that she's gone off her anti-depressant medications.   I know that there is tension between them, but she tries to put on this fake face that everything is okay.  When they both came to visit me last month and she got upset with my dad, she ignored him, as if it wouldn't be obvious to me that this is what she was doing.

And now I just find myself getting angry about it.  Incredibly angry. 

And yet, if I call her out on it, I know it would just make the situation worse.  Which just makes me angrier.

Thanks for listening. :'(

[Sitara]

Yes, sad, my mom does that too.  She would talk about how our family was better than others, then point out the flaws in everyone else's relationship.  I think in my mom's case, it was her way of making herself feel less like a failure.  The aspects of her life that she was insecure, she'd have to cut others down to make herself feel better, make it okay if she wasn't perfect.

I don't really have any advice on the situation, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

[psychik]

No, you are definitely not alone.  I experienced same thing many times over.  Raging, physically and emotionally abusing her kids... .the phone rings, she picks up with a completely different voice and carries on a lighter than air conversation with the neighbor.  Hangs up... .and it's back on.  The most terrifying, unsettling thing to witness. I think the illusion of normalcy is just so important for them.  It's so confusing to me sometimes how a person with this disorder can pull off "normalcy" when they absolutely have to for their own needs, yet can't at other times.  I guess it's all in the way their brain works. 

[Breathing new air]

It's so confusing to me sometimes how a person with this disorder can pull off "normalcy" when they absolutely have to for their own needs, yet can't at other times.  I guess it's all in the way their brain works. 

This is something I too struggle with. I have the same memories of these rants or crying jags for us, and the phone would ring and depending on who and what her angle that she played them. That was the response. Then you are right, afterward back at us.  I have not pearls either, but will say I have experienced it and to this day still do.

My other problem is the pretending everything is ok between the family until she goes off. And then the not ok is our fault. I find that I could except it easier when I was younger, now it just makes me angry and sick. I have to shake my head. I am still in the "how could I except this and think it was normal" stage I think.

[DontPanic]

No, its not you, no matter how  crazy things became for me. my ex would always act as if everything was ok and her BPD family was right along with her.

You know when I think about how difficult it is to deal with someone with BPD, it sometimes helps for me to remember that even a "Kennedy" has had a terrible time dealing with someone with this disorder. Kinda makes me feel like, the fact that we can deal with this problem at all shows a lot of strength and resilience. So keep up the good work!

And if you havent read any of the articles about "Mary Kennedy"

Here:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/i-hate-you-dont-leave-me/201301/mary-kennedy-tragedy-borderline-personality-disorder

[petridish]

My mother definitely would do and does this. She's currently giving me the silent treatment, but, if the past is any indication, this will abate sometime during the holiday season when she will happily act as if everything is fine for whatever fantasy audience she has in her head.

She would do this when I was a teen and we'd get in arguments where she'd lash out. I'd be upset, crying (she generally just goes very very cold and cruel) and then the phone would ring, someone would drop by, etc., and she'd be all smiles both to them and to me (if they were in person) as if nothing had happened and as if I were just a crazy crying person. Often she would treat me with what seemed rather genuine warmth (which was so uncomfortable). After they'd leave, there were a few things that might happen. Sometimes if I tried to resolve the fight, I'd be told that I was clinging on to the past (it's been an hour!). Sometimes she'd just go cold again when I somehow thought she was over it. Sometimes she'd honestly just be over being upset.

I find this behavior incredibly hurtful. I've seen her SEEK OUT people; if I've gotten into a discussion (not even a fight) that she feels uncomfortable with (which can be just about anything) with her going while out in public, she's almost scanning around and will switch modes very quickly to be super-friendly and empathetic towards random acquaintances, store clerks, people walking by. It feels as if she's attempting to punish or shame me by showing this kind of positive warmth that I am not the recipient of and if I don't also play the gregarious daughter at her demand, I am a selfish social deviant. In reality, I think she's probably feeling threatened by the not 100% happy feelings our conversation has triggered and is seeking a quick way of painting herself good again.

[GeekyGirl]

Absolutely, sad4mydad. It sounds like your mother (especially if she has any NPD traits) needs to project the appearance that everything's fine, so no one would suspect that anything is wrong with her. Whether she's doing that consciously or unintentionally doesn't really matter, though.

And now I just find myself getting angry about it.  Incredibly angry. 

And yet, if I call her out on it, I know it would just make the situation worse.  Which just makes me angrier.

What would happen if you did call her out? What would you want to see happen? Don't get me wrong--it's not ok to pretend that the rages never happened and that you're not upset. I don't blame you. What I'm wondering is if there's a more constructive way to deal with the anger if you can't let her know how you feel.

[an0ught]

This is partly related to fear being seen doing the wrong thing. This is also partly related to "splitting". A more mature and integrated personality would not be able to hold two so different states in their head - one where one is raging and one where one is chatting friendly and relaxed with an acquaintance. A pwBPD however can hold these very extreme states in their head and shift between them. The shifting may well not be under their control and is probably disturbing to experience. It is certainly disorienting to watch for us. And some part of us may well be looking for the reason of this inexplicable shift in ourselves. Taking the blame for something happening for no reason at all.

[Contradancer]

Been there. Experienced it.  Refuse to buy the t-shirt. Perfection of all others is demanded because (1) it makes her look good, and (2) imperfection of her spouse or children means someone might realize she's not perfect.

Thank you for bringing it up.  It often helps me just knowing I'm not the only one experiencing the weirdness.

[Pilpel]

My SIL is the BPD in my life.  And yes I would say there is the image that all is perfect.  The really obsurd thing is that I don't see that she treats my brother with any great respect.  But when she's writing her manipulative or FOGGY emails, she refers to him in exaggeratedly glowing terms, as if she takes for granted that we must all admire his greatness. 

It's very weird. 

[nomom4me]

This is why the holidays are so triggering for me, on the outside my mom always made a Martha Stewardesque holiday show, runs a charity bakes etc. but she can turn on a dime and switch to rage.  In my teens I felt that the charity got the best of her and we got her leftover nasty moods.  Now that she is older she passed the Martha baton to my sister, who she treats like an employee so I get to enjoy my sisters nasty moods over being used (but she refuses to make boundaries) and I get guilt trips/manipulation from my mom.  Good times. On recent years I have made my own holiday plans and i am inclined to make my own traditions.

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

You are most certainly not alone!  Actually, this post made me think of how things are/have been with my mom.  My mom is obsessed with what the outside world thinks of her, to an extreme fault.  On Facebook, she even lies in her status updates in attempt to make everyone think our family is perfect... .I may even have to make a separate post about this issue... .anyway,  When I was a child, I remember vividly being terrified in the presence of company.  My mother would literally examine my every move when we had company.  If I said or did the wrong thing, after they pulled out of the driveway, she would either verbally berate me or physically assault me.  I was a good kid.  The problem was, I never knew what to say or not say in front of people, because the littlest, most inconspicuous things would piss her off.  Once I did something inexcusable in her eyes, she would stew on it for the remainder of the time the guests were there.  I can recall tensing up and gritting my teeth when people would leave, and even at times begging them not to leave (which I also got berated for) because I didn't know what to expect. 

To this day, I swear that's why I suffer from social anxiety and panic disorder.

[foodie]

I often say to my therapist or husband that the most maddening and "am I the one that's crazy?" aspects of living with a uBPD mother is that everyone thinks she is so "normal" and "sweet" and most people do not believe me about how terrible my childhood/teenage years were.  I actually have best friends who I am pretty sure don't fully believe me about the emotional abuse I experienced (and would still be experiencing to this day, if I hadn't pretty much cut off contact.  My mother is sweet as pie around anyone but us, and would literally rather DIE a slow painful death than have anyone not think we are perfect, she is perfect, our family is perfect, she and I get along so well, etc.  It's nauseating and it is incredibly painful for me.  I actually have friends who will say, "I know you say you don't get along with your mom, but I just love her!"  Well - of course you do - she's an actress.