"I love you and you can't stop me"

[Alwaysgrowing]

Ive been NC for nearly 7 years and my mother will send "gifts" and cards to me through my brother. In every single one she will write "I love you and you can't stop me". It... .Makes me cringe. Why does she do that? Baiting me, maybe?

[GeekyGirl]

Without knowing your mother it's hard to say for sure what's going on. She may feel obligated to send you cards and gifts. She may genuinely love you and not know another way to tell you. She may want your attention and this may be a way to get it.

What do you think is behind the gifts? How could you politely ask her to stop sending them, if they're bothering you?

[Alwaysgrowing]

I know what is behind them. Either A) I am obligated to thank her by calling her (wont happen) B) ill take them and not thank her and she can tell everyone how selfish I am, she sent us gifts because she loves us and I dont even thank her (playing the victim) C) I refuse to take them and send them back and she can play the voctim "i just want to be nice to my daughter and grandkids".

Its a lose lose situation for me. No matter what I do.

[GeekyGirl]

Its a lose lose situation for me. No matter what I do.

It sounds like she's going to keep sending the gifts, then. I know that's frustrating, but if she's that determined to send the gifts, you can't stop her.

Maybe it would help to look into why it bothers you when she sends the gifts--that way, you can develop some ways of dealing with the emotions that come up when she sends them. What can you do to help yourself feel better when you see your mother's gifts and notes?

[nightnurse2]

     My mother did similar things. For awhile after college, I lived in the same town. Someone told her where I lived, so she would drive by my apartment to peer into the windows. I moved into a flat in another state, but I broke my leg after a year or so. I asked my grandparents if I could stay with them, since I couldn't work or afford rent. They told my dad, who showed up upset because I asked my grandparents for help but not him. He tried to drive me "home", but I would've been defenseless and unable to walk.

     I knew my mother would've hurt me. That's her thing. She exploits the opportunity to get a strong emotional reaction, when someone is helpless. I reminded him of the time she tried to kill me or him. He somehow "forgot" all of that. I reminded him of what happened, and he claimed she was "much better now". He always said that, but she's never had treatment. Not that she was always violent. In fact I could usually tell when she was about to be because she'd turn on the sound system and the tv to the highest setting simultaneously while she threw things and screamed. Usually, this happened because we'd all lock ourselves into whatever room was closest. This would go on for a couple hours until she'd lose interest and drive to a casino for a few days. Sometimes, she'd just disappear. My father would be devastated, while the rest of us would be relieved. Anyway, whenever I'd try to get away, she told me,"I love you, and you can't stop me. I will find you." I felt it was her way of forcing a connection. It was like saying that the connection couldn't be stopped, even if I wanted it to. Be firm about your boundaries, and live as far away as possible.

[wizard59]

Perhaps take the gifts, and send her a simple thank-you card by mail.

[mysoulishome]

I know what is behind them. Either A) I am obligated to thank her by calling her (wont happen) B) ill take them and not thank her and she can tell everyone how selfish I am, she sent us gifts because she loves us and I dont even thank her (playing the victim) C) I refuse to take them and send them back and she can play the voctim "i just want to be nice to my daughter and grandkids".

Its a lose lose situation for me. No matter what I do.

Aha... .yes, the last part. Great realization. Something my therapist and loved ones have told me again and again: You can't control what she feels, her actions. She won't change. Remember, if you are trying to "outwit" her, you are playing her game. What would save you face? What does she want? What do you want? She's living inside your head without your permission.

I'm guilty of it too. Is she going to succeed in harming my relationship with my sister? Is it just easier to give in to her and let her visit, or send her the thank you card to placate her? If it's lose/lose, what is the LESSER loss? Lesser of bad choices?

Ugh.

I'm lazy, so I would probably just either accept it and throw it away or tell brother no thank you... .don't want it. And not think about her. Try to not care what she thinks/feels/does.

Congrats on 7 years no contact! But isn't she still "contacting" you? Just pointing it out. I don't have a vested interest in what you do with her, just want you to be happy.

[foodie]

I know what is behind them. Either A) I am obligated to thank her by calling her (wont happen) B) ill take them and not thank her and she can tell everyone how selfish I am, she sent us gifts because she loves us and I dont even thank her (playing the victim) C) I refuse to take them and send them back and she can play the voctim "i just want to be nice to my daughter and grandkids".

Its a lose lose situation for me. No matter what I do.

My sympathies alwaysgrowing.  I have a uBPD mother who is the queen of victimizing herself.  I constantly get emails and cards and texts from her (when she is on a drama binge and/or we have had a "fight" which of course doesn't happen very often as I severely limit contact).  She will send guilt-ridden emails that will say all the same things.  "I love you, I will never stop loving you, I have done all these things for you blah blah…I was a good mom."  On one hand, now that I'm a parent, I get that you never give up on your child.  But that's not what's happening with a BPD parent.  They are always victims and always right, and always crave a messed up "close" co-dependent relationship with their children, which we have rejected because of their severe emotional abuse. 

The best response for me is just to not respond to messages like that, or cards.  If there is a gift involved, I will send a very simple thank you note, but I no longer indulge in emotional pleas. It is very hard.