Continuing from Major Blowout- New Member

[anmarelan]

I thought I should move my posts to this board because its more appropriate from the new members board. 

I arrived last night and the bus was late, so I expected the usual upset mood at having to wait for so long in the car, but nothing.  She was really calm and when I said I hope you weren't waiting long, the reply was snippy and tone was harsh, but I didn't push it and really not so bad.  After that on the car ride home, it was really awkward silence.  I asked a couple of conversation starter questions about her life and how it was going, and was met with curt responses.  We pretty much watched t.v. in silence and then she said I'm tired, I'm going to bed.  The best part  was seeing my dog, and my mom didn't make any jealousy comments while I played with him (awesome!). 

This morning, while making breakfast, she said that we are going to have to talk today.  After breakfast, she asked me: "Where are we going from here?,

I asked, "What do you mean?  Where are we going?",

She replied "Yes, where are we going from here",

I replied "Our relationship? Well….I want a positive and healthy relationship"

"Oh ok, well you can have that"

I said, "What I can have that?  Aren't you talking about our relationship?  I want us to have a healthy and positive relationship"

She said, "Oh ok, yes, I meant us. So what do you mean by positive and healthy?"

Then I thought uh, oh, minefield.

So I said, "Uh, I dunno.  I can't think of it right now, can you give me a sec to come up with the right words?"

She said, "Well, you had a lot to say before, I don't understand why you don't have anything to say now."

I just nodded.  End of conversation, writing this during a nap.

I guess typing this, she thought I was talking about my boyfriend and I's relationship. I don't know why, since she asked me about us, but that was the extent of the conversation.  Updates to continue.  I think we're either going to need a psychiatric (or police intervention, hehe) at some point again.  My boyfriend thinks that my joking about it just shows how unhealthy this has been for a while and I agree.

All along, I've hoped that maybe my mom didn't have any problems and either it was b/c of a close mother/daughter relationship or I have the problems, because I'm going to a psychiatrist once I get my insurance ironed out.  I believe in doing anything that will remove blocks or help me realize my full potential.  So a part of my regular posting is not only therapeutic, but I'm hoping that maybe I'm wrong and if not, then I need some tools.

Everyone has been so helpful, especially with such long posts.  Thank you!

Any advice on how to talk about "positive and healthy" relationships?

Really I want us to see a counselor.  But she still thinks everything is about my boyfriend, like it was with my ex husband before.   I dunno, I feel like I'm going crazy really.

[Sitara]

She was really calm and when I said I hope you weren't waiting long, the reply was snippy and tone was harsh, but I didn't push it and really not so bad.  After that on the car ride home, it was really awkward silence.

This sounds very much like she was not calm, but seething inside, and she was using the silent treatment to punish you as you were trapped in the car with her.

After breakfast, she asked me: "Where are we going from here?

Assuming this is the beginning of the conversion, I noticed that there was no real talk.  She didn't state her feelings, she didn't admit fault for anything you may have pointed out was an issue earlier, it just jumps right to the fix-it stage.  My uBPD mom would used non-precise statements often in order to get me to admit to more things I did wrong than she was aware of to justify her anger and use against me.  And when she said a statement similar to that, it meant "what am I going to do to fix the problem."  PwBPD can not admit fault and expect other people to fix their problems for them.

It sounds like you aren't sure how to talk to your mom about boundaries.  Here's a link to a workshop that you might find helpful. https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

All along, I've hoped that maybe my mom didn't have any problems and either it was b/c of a close mother/daughter relationship or I have the problems, because I'm going to a psychiatrist once I get my insurance ironed out.  I believe in doing anything that will remove blocks or help me realize my full potential.  So a part of my regular posting is not only therapeutic, but I'm hoping that maybe I'm wrong and if not, then I need some tools.

As children of parents with BPD, we are often conditioned from birth to believe everything is our fault and it's our job to fix it.  This is not true.  Everything is not your fault.  Your mom does have some problems.  A healthy mother/daughter relationship is not one in which you feel afraid to go home.  Going to a psychiatrist would be a great idea for yourself.  They can help you work through your personal issues, help you figure out what you want out of the relationship and help you find ways to get there. 

Really I want us to see a counselor.

As much as you may want your mom to get help and get better, you can not force her to go, can not make her want to go, or make her better yourself.  It is a very real possibility she will never come to terms with having any issues. You can not change her - she has to want to change and that's not something that can come from you.  It has to come from inside her and be something she honestly wants.  It's hard, I know all too well.  My mom will not admit there is anything wrong and refuses to seek help or even have a reasonable conversation about our relationship.

Yes you may have your own personal issues (we all have things we're working through here), but you can only control yourself and how you act.  You're not crazy.  pwBPD are just really good at making you feel like you are and that everything's your fault.  Things will get better, it just takes some work.

[anmarelan]

Thank you!  Everything was very helpful.  I really need the guidance. 

[wondergirl101]

I can relate with being trapped in the car with my daughter driving. It happens every time she has control of the wheel.She has BPD as well as other issues, and i have practically twisted myself into a pretzel to try and make her happy.!  After all these years of feeling that I was ALL Wrong , it began to take a toll on my health and phyc. I finally came to realize what the problem was after reading and studying books on BPD/N. Five years ago i had no ideas that such a thing existed, but i knew that something was seriously wrong with our relationship.  What a relief to find out it wasn't me after all! Of course i have my own issues as well, which is to say that I'm not perfect. However i felt that my daughters issues were so blown out of proportion that it truly confused and alarmed me. However ,now that i know what is happening, I have something to work with. I feel so very thankful that the light is finally turned on through reading,studying, and the support on the internet re BPD. Thanks for sharing.  Wondergirl101

[Alastor]

Hi Anmarelan,

Glad you found the community and it looks like you've gotten so helpful advice already. Satara hit a few important points: the "silent treatment" as potent form of abuse; baiting you with ambiguous questions; the "we need to talk" talk. All classic BPD behavior exposed for what it is.

Therapy is definitely a good idea if you can get it for yourself. I once thought that it would be a good opportunity to get my BPDmom in front of a therapist with the "we need to work on our relationship together" angle, otherwise there would be no way she'd go herself. Not sure however if it would work or just be a waste of time. I'm sure you can predict from experience how any discussion with her about your relationship would go however: all blame on you and ending in a blowout.