Trying to heal--adult child of uBPD parent

[Depression = 72% of members]

First, here is what I posted on the new member board. 

My therapist thinks my dad has some characteristics of BPD.  Ive always known there was something not right with him.  From what I am reading, he sounds so much like a high-functioning type.  Everyone at work loves him, thinks he's great.  At home, not so much.  I still deal with anxiety and depression from constantly living in an emotionally messed up household, never knowing what will set my dad off next.  I wonder if my dad will ever get help.  Seems unlikely.  My parents are so codependent. 

Ive come to the realization that I need to get healthy and i cannot hold off, waiting for my parents to get help first.  I dont want my kids to suffer emotional pain through me because of my hurts, if that makes sense.

It has been almost 10 yrs since i moved out of my parents' house.  It wasnt really a move out, but more of an escape.  My mom, brother and I had to move out because my dad had gotten so emotionally scary, we just couldnt take it anymore.  We knew if we tried to leave while he was home, he wouldnt have let us take anything with us and he wouldve tried to stop my mom, etc.  So we got a uhaul and moved to an apartment while he was on a business trip.  My dad was devastated and my grandmother basically had to take care of him.  Of course my dad apologized to all of us and eventually won my mom back and I felt abandoned.  Then a few yrs later, my parents announced that they were moving out of state.  My mom didnt want to leave us but my dad just had to start a new career there and also had the excuse of moving his mother with them (separate house though) to be near his brother in her final years.  I had just gotten married and I felt like my parents were abandoning me again.  Over the years I realized that it is probably better for me that I dont live near them, especially now that I have children of my own.  After my parents moved, my mom would seem distant whenever i would talk to her.  I didnt really put my finger on it though.   Actually my brother was better at reading the situation.  Also, my parents hardly visisted us even though we lived less than 7 hrs apart and my dad had made it seem like no big deal when they were moving.   They came to visit once but it was to go to a friends wedding.  Over the yrs I would feel so hurt, like why dont my parents care about me?  Then I became pregnant and I was on bedrest for 3 months.  Before i was even on bedrest I asked my mom if she could come help for a while after the twins were born and she said yes.  i brought it up a few times while pregnant and she always agreed and said she needed to work out her work schedule (works part time and her schedule is flexible).  My parents never offered to help me while i was on bedrest.  My mom came to visit once for my baby shower and helped a little while she was with us.  Then i told my mom it woukd be best if she came after my husband went back to work since he would be getting 4wks off.  She said ok.  As the time approached for my husband to go back to work, my mom still had not set in stone when she was going to come and i was getting more stressed out.  When my husband did return to work, i had major anxiety and could not fall asleep despite the fact that i was extremely exhausted taking care of twin newborns.  I kept asking my mom if she was coming.  Then finally she confesses to me that my dad wont let her come and that he made it sound like she couldnt come back if she did.  My mom was crying and so upset.  My dad said he didnt see how she could help me because it wouldnt change my situation.  My mom confessed that my dad had been totally controlling her the whole time, she had no access to money and he took her car keys--all things he had done in the past many times.  I was so upset for her, mad because my dad never really changed, but also relieved that i finally understood why my mom was so distant (we had always been close and she and my brother and i bonded growing up because we had to protect each other from my dad).

Shortly after i found this out, i got a stomach bug and had an even harder time taking care of myself with the babies.  I begged my mom to come.  Then my dad told her to come and we were all relieved.  Turned out it was convenient for him to let her come because he was going out of town on business.  She only stayed a few days and he picked her up.  Six months later i was just calling to ask her a question and she tells me that she is on her way to our area.  My dad had kicked her out for drinking and dropped her off at the bus stop with a one way ticket and a bag of clothes.  He did not try to contact her for quite a while and in th e meantime my mom is considering div9rcing him and we actualky looked up articles on abuse and found all this info that sounded just like him.  We called my uncle who is a therapist and he interved.  We told him everything that was going on and he confronted his brother.  Of course my dad is all apologetic and broken down.  My mom only stayed with us a m9nth and then went to stay with my aunt and uncle for a little bit but then it was back to my dad without him realky going to therapy and figuring out what is wrong with him at the core of all this.  I thought he was just a major control freak with anxiety but i realize now it is deeper than that.  I think things are going well with my parents now because my mom is meeting his needs.  However she has no friends and is pretty isolated.  She and my dad always have to be together.  My dad gets to work and calls her to say he misses her. 

I barely have a relationship with my dad--we dont have a lot to talk about and i cant bring up emotional topics without feeling really uncomfortable and ending up feeling like he didnt get it.  My dad and brother have zero relationship.  My dad says he loves my brother but it seems like he has no emotional connection to him.  My brother was punished more because he was the "rebellious"  child.  One time in first grade my brother got a bad report card and my dad told him he didnt deserve to sleep in the house like a good kid, so he needed to sleep in the garage like a dog.  He put my brother's mattress out there and he slept by himself except our dog was there too.  A few years ago my brother brought this up to my dad and he just had a blank look on his face.  My mom made the comment that he was a difficult child to handle.  Neither of them apologized for that.  It breaks my heart that my dad broke my brother's spirit when he probably truly believed that he was trying to discipline us.  We didnt find out until last year that my grandmother had insisted that my dad needed to get my brother under control when he was a toddler, or else he would turn into a hoodlum or something.

Sorry for the typos and the long post.  Hoping someone can share some insight.   My broth3r and i just unknowingly started going to  therapists recently and we believe our dad has BPD and we both suffer from similar things--anxiety, depression,  low self esteem, etc.

[SeekingHealing]

First, here is what I posted on the new member board. 

My therapist thinks my dad has some characteristics of BPD.  Ive always known there was something not right with him.  From what I am reading, he sounds so much like a high-functioning type.  Everyone at work loves him, thinks he's great.  At home, not so much.  I still deal with anxiety and depression from constantly living in an emotionally messed up household, never knowing what will set my dad off next.  I wonder if my dad will ever get help.  Seems unlikely.  My parents are so codependent. 

Ive come to the realization that I need to get healthy and i cannot hold off, waiting for my parents to get help first.  I dont want my kids to suffer emotional pain through me because of my hurts, if that makes sense.

It has been almost 10 yrs since i moved out of my parents' house.  It wasnt really a move out, but more of an escape.  My mom, brother and I had to move out because my dad had gotten so emotionally scary, we just couldnt take it anymore.  We knew if we tried to leave while he was home, he wouldnt have let us take anything with us and he wouldve tried to stop my mom, etc.  So we got a uhaul and moved to an apartment while he was on a business trip.  My dad was devastated and my grandmother basically had to take care of him.  Of course my dad apologized to all of us and eventually won my mom back and I felt abandoned.  Then a few yrs later, my parents announced that they were moving out of state.  My mom didnt want to leave us but my dad just had to start a new career there and also had the excuse of moving his mother with them (separate house though) to be near his brother in her final years.  I had just gotten married and I felt like my parents were abandoning me again.  Over the years I realized that it is probably better for me that I dont live near them, especially now that I have children of my own.  After my parents moved, my mom would seem distant whenever i would talk to her.  I didnt really put my finger on it though.   Actually my brother was better at reading the situation.  Also, my parents hardly visisted us even though we lived less than 7 hrs apart and my dad had made it seem like no big deal when they were moving.   They came to visit once but it was to go to a friends wedding.  Over the yrs I would feel so hurt, like why dont my parents care about me?  Then I became pregnant and I was on bedrest for 3 months.  Before i was even on bedrest I asked my mom if she could come help for a while after the twins were born and she said yes.  i brought it up a few times while pregnant and she always agreed and said she needed to work out her work schedule (works part time and her schedule is flexible).  My parents never offered to help me while i was on bedrest.  My mom came to visit once for my baby shower and helped a little while she was with us.  Then i told my mom it woukd be best if she came after my husband went back to work since he would be getting 4wks off.  She said ok.  As the time approached for my husband to go back to work, my mom still had not set in stone when she was going to come and i was getting more stressed out.  When my husband did return to work, i had major anxiety and could not fall asleep despite the fact that i was extremely exhausted taking care of twin newborns.  I kept asking my mom if she was coming.  Then finally she confesses to me that my dad wont let her come and that he made it sound like she couldnt come back if she did.  My mom was crying and so upset.  My dad said he didnt see how she could help me because it wouldnt change my situation.  My mom confessed that my dad had been totally controlling her the whole time, she had no access to money and he took her car keys--all things he had done in the past many times.  I was so upset for her, mad because my dad never really changed, but also relieved that i finally understood why my mom was so distant (we had always been close and she and my brother and i bonded growing up because we had to protect each other from my dad).

Shortly after i found this out, i got a stomach bug and had an even harder time taking care of myself with the babies.  I begged my mom to come.  Then my dad told her to come and we were all relieved.  Turned out it was convenient for him to let her come because he was going out of town on business.  She only stayed a few days and he picked her up.  Six months later i was just calling to ask her a question and she tells me that she is on her way to our area.  My dad had kicked her out for drinking and dropped her off at the bus stop with a one way ticket and a bag of clothes.  He did not try to contact her for quite a while and in th e meantime my mom is considering div9rcing him and we actualky looked up articles on abuse and found all this info that sounded just like him.  We called my uncle who is a therapist and he interved.  We told him everything that was going on and he confronted his brother.  Of course my dad is all apologetic and broken down.  My mom only stayed with us a m9nth and then went to stay with my aunt and uncle for a little bit but then it was back to my dad without him realky going to therapy and figuring out what is wrong with him at the core of all this.  I thought he was just a major control freak with anxiety but i realize now it is deeper than that.  I think things are going well with my parents now because my mom is meeting his needs.  However she has no friends and is pretty isolated.  She and my dad always have to be together.  My dad gets to work and calls her to say he misses her. 

I barely have a relationship with my dad--we dont have a lot to talk about and i cant bring up emotional topics without feeling really uncomfortable and ending up feeling like he didnt get it.  My dad and brother have zero relationship.  My dad says he loves my brother but it seems like he has no emotional connection to him.  My brother was punished more because he was the "rebellious"  child.  One time in first grade my brother got a bad report card and my dad told him he didnt deserve to sleep in the house like a good kid, so he needed to sleep in the garage like a dog.  He put my brother's mattress out there and he slept by himself except our dog was there too.  A few years ago my brother brought this up to my dad and he just had a blank look on his face.  My mom made the comment that he was a difficult child to handle.  Neither of them apologized for that.  It breaks my heart that my dad broke my brother's spirit when he probably truly believed that he was trying to discipline us.  We didnt find out until last year that my grandmother had insisted that my dad needed to get my brother under control when he was a toddler, or else he would turn into a hoodlum or something.

Sorry for the typos and the long post.  Hoping someone can share some insight.   My broth3r and i just unknowingly started going to  therapists recently and we believe our dad has BPD and we both suffer from similar things--anxiety, depression,  low self esteem, etc.

[Clearmind]

Hi SH and Welcome!

Much of what you write is very true for many of us. I can only talk from my own experience. Having grown up in an invalidating environment created many hurdles and hurdles around relationships, dealing with conflict effectively, loving myself, episodes of intense shame and self blame and really not understanding exactly where I needed to start.

One of the main issues I had was an inner critic that would constantly berate me for my thoughts, actions. Much of that was due to my childhood.

We need to begin to look at the belief systems instilled in us kids and find ways to give ourselves positive self talk to help us over come the anxiety that impacts us and our choices.

I have only been able to heal with the help of a very good therapist. It was a much too big a task to tackle on my own because my shame/self blame was weighted too heavily to see through the FOG.

Have you considered continuing to see the therapist? Is she knowledgeable about BPD and its impacts on adult children?

[SeekingHealing]

I am very hard on myself too.  Always feeling like I need to do more or that I am not good at anything.  Logically i know that is not true.

I am still seeing my therapist and fortunately she has had a lot of experience with BPD patients and believes they can be helped (if they want to be).  She also really seems to understand where i am coming from.  She thinks her FIL has BPD and she and her DH moved away from him.  All his kids are afraid of him so they didnt want their children to grow up around that.

[SeekingHealing]

My brother is currently seeing a therapist as well.  He has a lot of anger and hurt.  He hasnt taken such great care of himself and i used to rescue him.  He has made some improvements.  I feel like we are closer than some other people are to their siblings, proba ly because we experienced hard times together,  but we are so different and we dont spend a lot of time togeth3r.  My therapist thinks we should go to Al-anon togeth3r.

[Clearmind]

Its a good idea Seeking. Maybe separately is better - your journeys are different and you can be more open and honest when you are more anonymous.