Help for the holidays

[Human]

A friend who is a life coach emailed out this article today. I wanted to share it with you as a resource. Keep in mind, he was writing for everybody, not just people with PD'ed relatives.

Below, I will share some of my thoughts on what he wrote. I love you guys! Haven't been on here in a while, but I know the holidays can be tough, and I wanted to check in and reach out.

Handling Holiday Drama: Managing difficult people

We’ve all got people that push our buttons.  Whether it’s about religion, politics or the way we ”should” live our life (or drive our car or wear our hair or raise our children), they seem to know exactly the thing to say to set us on a path of reactive anger or defensiveness.

Holiday gatherings can be especially trying, since quite often these button-pushers are family members who we don’t see often, or bosses/co-workers from whom we usually have the distance of work topics.

With a little planning and forethought, though, you can minimize the negativity caused by these button-pushers.  Here are some tips for managing that difficult person.

Ask lots of questions. 

Do a little homework ahead of time and come prepared with a host of questions ready about something important in this person’s life – a recent trip, their kids’ activities, their interests.  Keep the conversation away from sensitive topics by leading with your inquiries.  People LOVE to talk about themselves; make it easy for them.

Focus conversation on the good things. 

Lead the conversation to more neutral or positive topics – the weather, the food, decorations at the party or appreciation for the host.  Set a positive tone to start.

Invite a new friend. 

Difficult people are less likely to go into all-out conflict mode if there is someone new around.  This strategy works particularly well with family gatherings where the dynamics of a stranger/guest keep everyone on good behavior.  BONUS; You may bring some holiday cheer to a friend who will be charmed (or hoodwinked) by your lovely family.

True Happiness Tactics: 

If you can manage them, these tactics go beyond just minimizing negativity and create happiness for you.

Let go of changing or convincing your button-pusher. 

Look at your own role in stoking the negativity with this person.  Do you subconsciously bait them into the conflict by preempting their arguments?  Do you start out defensively?  As easy as it is to blame them, we often have a role in amping up the conflict and taking the conversation into challenging territory.  Accepting them as they are can be powerful.   Check into your assumptions.

Find the good things about this person. 

Sure, there are things you dislike about this person, but what are their positive qualities?  What do others love about them?  Are they a great parent or partner?  Do they do good community work?  Have they helped others that you love?  Hold these good qualities in your mind when you engage with them.

Find the humor. 

If no matter what you do, Uncle Bob replays the same conversation EVERY Christmas –  “So when are you going to get a real job?” or “Wow, the Republicans/Democrats are sure screwing up the country.”   Try to find humor in their bizarre infatuation with the topic? Think of it as a charming quirk and part of the fun.

If all else fails…

Minimize your exposure. 

Arrive a little late.  Leave a little early.  Avoid getting into a direct conversation with them or just walk away if the conversation gets heated.

Skip the event completely. 

If there is going to be a similar level of drama whether you go or not, save those precious holiday hours.  Use the time for another favorite holiday activity instead.  Schedule a way to connect with those you will miss at another time where the challenging person isn’t present.  Life (and the holiday period) is too short for extraneous drama.

The holidays can be a time of wonderful connection.  Use these tips to help minimize the negativity of challenging people so you can savor the time with those you love!

[Human]

So here's my additional commentary and thoughts on what he wrote:

I love this dispatch. I think it's funny/sad how every holiday season, there are articles on how to survive one's awful family. Maybe the problem isn't figuring out how to survive something you clearly would rather not be doing, but how have the courage to do what you actually need to do?

A practicing Buddhist friend taught me about how "attachment is the root of suffering." Sometimes I wonder if the problem isn't that a family member is difficult, per se, but that they are who they are and we are attached to them.

We are attached to the ideas that:

- family is permanent, forever, immutable, non-negotiable

- a "good" son/brother/aunt/niece is expected to do X, Y or Z with no other options being thought of as decent or moral.

- we should have infinite emotional reserves to absorb toxicity from a family member at levels 1,000% higher than we would ever endure from anyone else.

Yet if we do attempt to detach ourselves from any of these fallacies, there are plenty of wagging tongues around us ready to shame us and reattach us firmly to the misery at all costs. I believe the local news is full of domestic tragedy that comes from people not having the courage or wisdom or clarity to detach before it was too late. Instead of leaving, she stays and sets fire to his car. He couldn't just walk away, so he stayed until he snapped and became a murder/suicide story on the 6 oclock news. That may sound overly-dramatic, and thankfully most family drama doesn't end that way, but I guarantee that most of the people in those stories also did not think it would end that way. They committed to their attachments all the way over the edge of the cliff.

I believe that of the most destructive and dangerous phrases (like all phrases that contain or imply a form of the word "should" is the phrase, "But, s/he's your hit__" (mother, father, sister, brother, son's boyfriend... .) At a far higher level of truth, we really are not more attached to the clan we were born into, nor any less, than to a woman in India whom we've never met who is suffering with polio. I think it's so remarkable the agonies we will suffer for the sake of one person and the sheer effort we will expend to no one's benefit, while through sheer random chance that we never get to help or meet or even think about some other person on the other side of the globe, who is equally human and equally important. How funny, what we're willing to suffer fruitlessly for this one chance relation. What could that effort do for some other person we don't know, who would be grateful and elevated from our efforts and attention.

This is why, after many years of practicing all of the other tips in this post, including bringing the outsider guest to help inspire good behavior, I ended up at the last tip. My mom has BPD and a lifelong determination to do nothing to help it. I don't have to tell most people on this board what impact that can have on one's own emotional health and sanity. I am very, very happy not signing up anymore to go home voluntarily and bear that.

When well-meaning but ignorant outsiders hear this, they feel awkward and say "oh, how awful for you," but they are imagining their own families when they say that. It might actually be awful for them to miss out on visiting their relatively peaceful families. That is not the baseline available to me to compare my situation. Rather, I am feeling, "how amazing that after 33 years of suffering in shame and darkness, I finally evolved to a level of higher understanding, and had the courage to do the most difficult but most peaceful thing possible."

It is always disappointing, but no longer surprising, how people with no idea what they are talking about feel they have the authority to tell me what they imagine I am doing wrong. It requires zero insight and about 4.7 seconds of their time to give me "advice" that, if I were shamed into actually following it, would consign me to decades more of nearly unbearable pain, none of which that person would be around to witness or endure. Their opinions are hard to hear, but I must remind myself: totally, laughably irrelevant.

Stay strong, my friends. No matter what "coping" means for you this holiday season, take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do and give yourself the priceless gifts of peace, dignity, and self-love. You are the only person responsible for you, and you are not responsible for any other adult. If you feel guilty or unsure of that, come back here. You'll find love, support, and sanity. I found that here, and I'll be making my annual holiday donation to this board in perpetual gratitude.

[Bracken]

Human

Thank you so much for sharing the wise advice - both from the article and your personal experience.

I agree that we must listen to our own inner voices. Which are usually drowned out or completely extinguished in all the messages we get from relatives, friends and society in general - about how we SHOULD always be there for our families.

It takes courage to finally say "No" - and congratulations to you on doing this! 

I have been NC most of my life. But even though it is the right thing to do with really toxic families - it can feel very "wrong." Until a few years ago, I still had nagging feelings about NC:  guilt, shame, sadness, anger . But finally, in my late 50's, I seem to have reached a level of detachment that allows a fair degree of inner peace. I guess Buddhists would say that I have gotten closer to Nirvana.

Best wishes for the Holidays -   

Bracken