Christmas…or not?

[Lyrebird]

Well, it’s 23rd of December and my mother is not contacting me about Christmas.   I think we are both waiting to see if the other person will be the one to crack and make contact. I feel like I should, but then on the other hand I feel so angry, that I can’t bring myself to. Which of course just makes everything worse.  I will probably send her a message saying that I am hurt and confused and don’t want to catch up for Christmas this year, and perhaps we can sort it out in the New Year. But it feels kind of drastic.

The story is complicated and I feel guilty that it is partly my fault, but it is so hard finding the right way to handle her.

I have two young kids and Mum likes to tell her friends that she comes over every Thursday to help out with them. In reality it is actually about once a month, as she often has social engagements, holidays etc crop up which take priority over helping me.

I guess this particular drama started a few months ago when my mother hurt her back. She was apparently unable to do anything except sit around the house as she was in so much pain. Which is understandable of course, however each time I phoned her she was actually out somewhere – shopping, seeing a musical in the city, eating at a restaurant that requires a long train trip and walk to get to. I think she finds coming over here boring and hard work. 

Anyway, we did meet up for lunch for my birthday six weeks ago and at the end she looked very nervous and seemed to feel guilty as she told me that she was about to go away on a ten day “glamping” (luxury camping) holiday which involves a ten day trek through remote wilderness (So much for the bad back!) She said she had already told me (on a particular day three months prior) so I already knew, but I had probably forgotten. She then told me (very loudly in a crowded room) that she couldn’t tell me the previous week because… “you were in bed with DIARRHEA!” I pointed out that this could not be the case as she hadn’t been to our house for three weeks and anyway, I have not been ill any time recently and that I had NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT?

Anyway… when she got back from her ten day wilderness trek she waited a couple of days then sent me a text message saying that she had social engagements for the next three days but after that would I like to bring the kids over to visit her?

I said I was too busy. Then the next week she offered to come and help on a Thursday or Friday. I said I had stuff on. Then the next week she texted and said she was free all week to come and help out. I said I was busy.

I have been very busy, it’s kind of true. But really I just didn’t want to see her as I was angry. I did ask her to let me know what the arrangements are for Christmas Day though, but she has never gotten back to me.  I guess I thought she would want to see her only child and grand kids at Christmas regardless. But she still hasn’t contacted me and it is 23rd of December.

She would see my behaviour as a rejection of course and that I have been playing games with her. We are kind of enmeshed I guess. I think my behaviour has not been good, but I didn’t know what else to do! Do I contact her, do I just let Christmas slide? I really dont know.

[livednlearned]

She would see my behaviour as a rejection of course and that I have been playing games with her. We are kind of enmeshed I guess. I think my behaviour has not been good, but I didn’t know what else to do! Do I contact her, do I just let Christmas slide? I really dont know.

The holidays hurts so much more when family is estranged. I'm sorry you're having to worry over this instead of celebrate. Or maybe you're able to celebrate even feeling the strain with your mother? I find having a child at Christmas pretty much makes everything festive    just with the excitement, even when things are not going well with my family.

Your mom certainly moves the goalposts on you a lot! That would make it difficult to arrange plans even if she wasn't BPD.

I find it hard to know how I feel when faced with this kind of dilemma, and then I end up doing nothing.

Sometimes, to help me deal with this stuff, I imagine my father as a 7 year old boy. I don't know why, but that makes it easier for me to center myself. It doesn't always help me with my actions, but it does let me settle down some of the confusing feelings. I've let my feelings build for a while with him -- I'm trying to get the strength to reach out to him, but haven't figured out just how to do that. But imagining him as a child makes something happen inside me. I guess it's because I have adult-size expectations of someone who emotionally just can't do what I need him to do.

When you think of your mother like that, does it make you feel more clear about what you want to do?

[GeekyGirl]

As livednlearned said, sometimes just stopping and thinking about what you want to do from a different angle can give you some clarity, Lyrebird. I agree that having children around makes Christmas much more festive, and it's ok if you want to focus on your kids on Christmas.

She would see my behaviour as a rejection of course and that I have been playing games with her. We are kind of enmeshed I guess. I think my behaviour has not been good, but I didn’t know what else to do! Do I contact her, do I just let Christmas slide? I really dont know.

What does your gut tell you? Do you want to spend Christmas with her in any way?

[Lyrebird]

Thanks for your replies. :-) I like the idea of thinking about her as a child. That does help, and reminds me that I need to understand that I'm not dealing with someone who is emotionally mature. Part of me wants to have Christmas with my parents and the other part doesn't. The main thing I'm worried about though is feeling guilty! She will be very upset and her and dad will spend the day talking about what a horrible person I am. I know I shouldn't worry about that. I feel responsible for putting her out if her misery and feel I should just make contact. I feel like I am being immature not contacting her- but... .It is always me! I feel annoyed about being tested in this way.

[livednlearned]

I feel like I am being immature not contacting her

Which drives me nuts! I feel this way too. Maybe we can help you write an email that let's you feel some peace.

"Mom, I didn't hear from you about Christmas this year, so maybe we can catch up in the New Year. I'll be thinking about you and dad on Christmas Day -- let me know if you want to call and talk to the girls so they can say Merry Christmas to you."

Since I am struggling with a similar issue, I might not be the best person to advise here. So everyone else, please chime in 

[GeekyGirl]

It really comes down to what you would prefer to do, Lyrebird. It sounds like you're conflicted, and I know that feeling all too well.

That does help, and reminds me that I need to understand that I'm not dealing with someone who is emotionally mature. Part of me wants to have Christmas with my parents and the other part doesn't. The main thing I'm worried about though is feeling guilty!

You have a few options here. Would you rather meet up for a post-Christmas lunch somewhere, so you have a definite start/end time? Would you prefer to have your mother over to your house for Christmas? Would you be most comfortable working things out after Christmas is over? It's really up to you. Whatever you decide, you'll need some sound boundaries (BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence). When your mother starts criticizing you, how could you explain to her (and your father) that it's not ok for her to do that?

[Lyrebird]

You're right Geekygirl I am conflicted. Last week I decided while talking to my therapist that I didn't want to see them at all at Christmas. I was quite adamant. But now as it gets closer I feel really terrible about it. I actually caved and sent a text to my mother today saying "hi, what are your plans for Christmas?" The reply I got from her was - "Having quiet lunch at home." :-/

[GeekyGirl]

That was brave of you, Lyrebird.   You made the effort, and I know how difficult that can be.

From your mother's text, you could decide to invite her or not to invite her on Christmas. If you decided not to invite her, you could also respond with something like, "That sounds nice. How about we meet up on [date] at [place] for dinner?"

[Lyrebird]

Thanks everyone for the supportive replies. I really appreciate you all!

in the end I totally gave in and phoned my parents landline- twice, then dad's mobile, then left a message on mothers mobile. Then  eventually sent this text message: "OK. That sounds nice - enjoy your lunch. Perhaps we could meet in the new year to sort things out. J"

Aren't I just pathetic? In the end I didnt want  to be the grinch who stole Christmas, but I think that horse bolted a long time ago really. Anyway I'm so relived to know what I'm doing for Christmas finally!

[GeekyGirl]

That's not pathetic, Lyrebird. You set a boundary and it's ok to want a quiet Christmas with your kids.  Let us know how things go from here.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!