will she contact me again ?

[antjs]

hello everybody ! i met this girl that i am not sure if she has BPD or not. what i am sure of is that there is surely something wrong with her. she is 29 and she has 3 ex-fiances, an ex-husband and 3 ex-boyfriends. i will try to make it as short as i can. we started dating and we knew that in a month both of us would be travelling to different places (she is between here and the other country for freelance work). we had sex on the first date and we bonded so much. the pace went crazy and she asked me to sleep over her place after a week of knowing her. she even got me an expensive birthday present on the 8th day she knew me. the first two weeks were "legendary" then the hit started hitting the fan. her ex-bf appeared in the picture. at first she said she is gonna meet him to see what he wants. then over and over she kept on meeting him. manipulation and abuse started to come up in addition to the emotional roller coaster and acting cold with me and refusing any intimacy. I broke up with her one night and the next day she called me to "discuss" and persuaded me back to her through sex and promised she will not act like this anymore. but of course the craziness continued and it was very obvious that she wanted me back just to pass time till she travels. I saw the break up coming again, we did it over text and she told me that she is sorry and i am a good person and she wants to be friends with me and she would like to meet me once before she leaves. I told her that i need some time by myself and if otherwise i will let her know. three days later, i felt down and called her to set a meeting and we agreed to meet on a sunday (she told me what she is doing on saturday as she will be busy). two hours later, i called and started questioning and looking for closure. she was very rude during the call and i ended up the call telling her she is crazy and a liar. two days later (saturday), i knew where she would be and i went to see her and say sorry but she was so angry and treated me like hit. then on the same day i degraded myself over text asking her even to be friends and maybe later something would evolve again. she asked me to move on and when i feel objective we can be friends. one day later, i began to read here the forums and bells started to ring in my head. i have sent her two links (one link of them telling exactly how our relationship had been) and i told her to read more about BPD. now with nearly a month of no contact,  she is working right now in another country (i believe she feels lonely) and will be back to my country in 2 weeks. i will be there by that time too. do you think she has BPD ? do you think she will try to contact me when she is back ?

[maxsterling]

Does she have BPD?  Can't say as only a trained professional can diagnose her.  But I will say she definitely has some BPD traits.  I can tell you that telling her you think she has BPD and should seek help likely won't get you the result you want.  Most likely, it will just make her angry and shut you out, or "paint you black".

What do you want out of this relationship?  Do you want her to contact you again?  Do you want to remain friends, close friends, or date her again?  Whether she contacts you again or not is up to her - if you are "painted black", probably will not contact you for a long time, if at all.  Only she can help herself.  I should warn you, that if she does contact you again, and you resume the relationship, you will deal with all of what you just posted over and over again.  There are things you can do to make things better for you, whether you resume a relationship with her or not.  That involves putting your focus onto you and not on her.  Sadly, you can't change her or make her see how her behavior is hurtful.  I know we all wish we could make the BPDs in our life "get it" and become stable and happy, but that just isn't the case.

And if she does contact you, there are ways of communicating with her that can help her feel validated and heard (and this board can certainly help you there when and if that day comes)- but that takes a lot of patience on your part. 

[Split black]

hello everybody ! i met this girl that i am not sure if she has BPD or not. what i am sure of is that there is surely something wrong with her. she is 29 and she has 3 ex-fiances, an ex-husband and 3 ex-boyfriends. i will try to make it as short as i can. we started dating and we knew that in a month both of us would be travelling to different places (she is between here and the other country for freelance work). we had sex on the first date and we bonded so much. the pace went crazy and she asked me to sleep over her place after a week of knowing her. she even got me an expensive birthday present on the 8th day she knew me. the first two weeks were "legendary" then the  started hitting the fan. her ex-bf appeared in the picture. at first she said she is gonna meet him to see what he wants. then over and over she kept on meeting him. manipulation and abuse started to come up in addition to the emotional roller coaster and acting cold with me and refusing any intimacy. I broke up with her one night and the next day she called me to "discuss" and persuaded me back to her through sex and promised she will not act like this anymore. but of course the craziness continued and it was very obvious that she wanted me back just to pass time till she travels. I saw the break up coming again, we did it over text and she told me that she is sorry and i am a good person and she wants to be friends with me and she would like to meet me once before she leaves. I told her that i need some time by myself and if otherwise i will let her know. three days later, i felt down and called her to set a meeting and we agreed to meet on a sunday (she told me what she is doing on saturday as she will be busy). two hours later, i called and started questioning and looking for closure. she was very rude during the call and i ended up the call telling her she is crazy and a liar. two days later (saturday), i knew where she would be and i went to see her and say sorry but she was so angry and treated me like . then on the same day i degraded myself over text asking her even to be friends and maybe later something would evolve again. she asked me to move on and when i feel objective we can be friends. one day later, i began to read here the forums and bells started to ring in my head. i have sent her two links (one link of them telling exactly how our relationship had been) and i told her to read more about BPD. now with nearly a month of no contact,  she is working right now in another country (i believe she feels lonely) and will be back to my country in 2 weeks. i will be there by that time too. do you think she has BPD ? do you think she will try to contact me when she is back ?

What you want to hear is that she has seen the light and wants you back. But the reality of the situation is exactly what you have right now. Just think about what she has done... . who would do those things to someone they cared about?

[antjs]

I can tell you that telling her you think she has BPD and should seek help likely won't get you the result you want.  Most likely, it will just make her angry and shut you out, or "paint you black".

if you are "painted black", probably will not contact you for a long time, if at all. 

When i did mention that she has BPD to her, it was not to mock her. it was like "i am telling you the most important piece of information for your life that i have before letting me go". I now know that probably it did not work and she is still in denial. I know now that she has painted me black and will never talk to me again but i am trying not to care about her opinions about me right now. I am trying to convince myself that it would have never worked with her. I am trying to convince myself that if she is going to repaint me white that this is still bad for me cause if i am back to her the emotional roller coaster and abuse will be back too and i will be back to point zero of healing and being a better person.

[AimingforMastery]

I only read the first few lines and the word RUN appeared in my head over and over,

Let me continue reading.

[AimingforMastery]

I finished reading.

RUN.

She was nowhere near ready for a relationship when she met you. Your first line said it all.

Start again fresh somewhere else now and perhaps work out with a therapist why you sent those texts.

[antjs]

I finished reading.

RUN.

She was nowhere near ready for a relationship when she met you. Your first line said it all.

Start again fresh somewhere else now and perhaps work out with a therapist why you sent those texts.

i thought for some time that she might not have BPD and only it was a rebound relationship cause she broke up with her ex soon before meeting me. but in a rebound relationship your gf will be decent. she will use you to feel ok and then she will tell you no i do not want to see you anymore and i am sorry. thats it. in a rebound relationship there would be no emotional abuse, extreme jealousy, using sex as a weapon to pull up back, gaslighting and projection. I tried to break up with her once but she persuaded me back the next day through sex and then continued her dance. If it was only a rebound then she would have let me go when i broke up with her after her emotional roller coaster.

[Johnny Alias]

What you want to hear is that she has seen the light and wants you back. But the reality of the situation is exactly what you have right now. Just think about what she has done... . who would do those things to someone they cared about?

This.  

She will not change.  She enjoys men fighting over her and validating her existence.  This is who she is.  You need to BLOCK her in every way.  Phone, fb, email.  :)on't say it can't be done because in this day and age it EASILY can.  

You want the contact.  That's okay.  You're officially addicted to her and her crazy making.  You are.  I and just about everyone on this board was/is addicted to someone like this.  Some can break free and stop using.  Some cant... .

It's early in the relationship.  Early in your life.  There are other people out there that won't cause you so much pain... . and yes you are the victim in this.  I don't use that term lightly as people often use it for an excuse for their behavior, but you didn't count on this.  You sound like a good guy.

I know you don't want to listen.  I know your heart is telling you one thing and brain another and the heart usually wins.  

Just know... . and I mean REALLY know... . that this will continue... . the agony and ecstasy... . for as long as you let it... . and know... . REALLY know... . that the agony will begin to eclipse the ecstasy more and more and more until it is almost ALWAYS pure HELL and Heaven is a long forgotten memory.  

RUN.  You'll get over it... . but you need to cut all ties before the healing can begin.  

But you're only gonna do that when you're ready so good luck.  And I'm not a therapist either... . but you already spoke of several traits that are VERY BPD.  Sex on the first date?  Yup... . that's one.  Triangulation with previous BF's or husbands?  Check.  Lies?  Check.  Manipulation?  Check. 

[babyoctopus]

I finished reading.

RUN.

She was nowhere near ready for a relationship when she met you. Your first line said it all.

Start again fresh somewhere else now and perhaps work out with a therapist why you sent those texts.

I DITTO Mastery RUN FAST!

Unless you want a lifetime of misery, or at the very least many years of misery, GET AWAY while you CAN. There is a reason there are so many before you. I know they are attractive, make you feel sexy and all that, but believe me I'd wish I'd never believed the comeback lies in the first place.

[antjs]

This.  

She will not change.  She enjoys men fighting over her and validating her existence.  This is who she is.  You need to BLOCK her in every way.  Phone, fb, email.  :)on't say it can't be done because in this day and age it EASILY can.  

You want the contact.  That's okay.  You're officially addicted to her and her crazy making.  You are.  I and just about everyone on this board was/is addicted to someone like this.  Some can break free and stop using.  Some cant... .

It's early in the relationship.  Early in your life.  There are other people out there that won't cause you so much pain... . and yes you are the victim in this.  I don't use that term lightly as people often use it for an excuse for their behavior, but you didn't count on this.  You sound like a good guy.

I know you don't want to listen.  I know your heart is telling you one thing and brain another and the heart usually wins.  

Just know... . and I mean REALLY know... . that this will continue... . the agony and ecstasy... . for as long as you let it... . and know... . REALLY know... . that the agony will begin to eclipse the ecstasy more and more and more until it is almost ALWAYS pure HELL and Heaven is a long forgotten memory.  

RUN.  You'll get over it... . but you need to cut all ties before the healing can begin.  

But you're only gonna do that when you're ready so good luck.  And I'm not a therapist either... . but you already spoke of several traits that are VERY BPD.  Sex on the first date?  Yup... . that's one.  Triangulation with previous BF's or husbands?  Check.  Lies?  Check.  Manipulation?  Check. 

I am now in a very different place. nearly two months of NC except for seeing her coincidentally in a coffee shop that affected or regressed my healing for a day or two. My therapist told me "she has something called borderline personality disorder". I am not good now but i am better than before. the fog is evaporating. this experience is a life awakening one for me. I saw all the  and ignored them cause i was in a  very vulnerable situation in my life when i have met her. Now if she is kissing my legs to let her back i will act indifferent and walk away. I REALLY KNOW HER WELL NOW WITHOUT ANY OF THE MASKS THAT SHE USES. i still consider myself a survivor now not a victim. i am done with victimization and self-pity. I am beyond the idea now that she will be a better person with the next guy. people hardly change and her script and pattern will continue. all i am sad about are the men in line who will get hurt sooner or later.

[kba1969]

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  It's crazy when I think back at the relationship and think "why didn't I notice that?".  My x broke up with me 7 times in a two year relationship!  I can't even begin to tell you all the lies I've pieced together.  I've seen how she transfers blame to me by how her friends treat me.  I've realized why her co workers treated me poorly, because she lied and told them we weren't together anymore because she was doing a guy where she worked.  Ended up being a few guys, that I know of, who knows how many more.  She manipulated me and my 9 yr old daughter right down to the last day we saw her, my daughters birthday.  I had broke up with her the day before and because of her lame abandonment issues and my pathetic dreams of her being normal, I let her back into my life.  She came over, gave my daughter her gifts, slept over and haven't seen her since.  "I just need some time and space" she said, ! 

    As hard as it is for me I know I can't live this way, it's just not gonna change!  Listen, we both deserve better than this!  Let her go and move on.  It's taken me 6 months to figure this out and I'm gonna move on with the support of this group and my therapist.  Read, Read and Read about BPD

[mywifecrazy]

Dude. Take your own advice you mentioned in your other thread. You need to focus on why YOU are so obsessed with her after your short 6 week relationship. Open ending a new thread will not change things.

Read the horror stories on here my friend. Take this free gift of DISCOVERY and let her go or you'll really be in some pain if you reconnect with her.

Take some advice from my friends from IRON MAIDEN and "Run to the Hills!

Seriously AJ put ALL your focus on YOU because YOU deserve it... . SHE doesn't deserve your attention.

[AimingforMastery]

Dude... .

Read the horror stories on here my friend. Take this free gift of DISCOVERY and let her go

Sadly these are so often profound words in this type of situation... .

Sad. But sometime so true.

[antjs]

Dude. Take your own advice you mentioned in your other thread. You need to focus on why YOU are so obsessed with her after your short 6 week relationship. Open ending a new thread will not change things.

Read the horror stories on here my friend. Take this free gift of DISCOVERY and let her go or you'll really be in some pain if you reconnect with her.

Take some advice from my friends from IRON MAIDEN and "Run to the Hills!

Seriously AJ put ALL your focus on YOU because YOU deserve it... . SHE doesn't deserve your attention.

mywifecrazy, the problem for me is not the urge to contact her. If the world is ending and this is the only way to stop it i will not even contact her. My problem is that it has been 3 weeks (i cut off one month cause i was too busy finding a job in another country) grieving a 6 weeks relationship that ended badly with a person that i know her truth now. that is my problem. that is what i am trying to understand about myself.

[Take2]

antony... .    while you have soul searching to do about your situation, I think you should realize how good you are handling it.  So many of us get wrapped up in the whole drama for so much longer.  The addiction just grows and gets more intense as the abuse from them often gets worse. 

Splitblack said this earlier in the chain:  " that the agony will begin to eclipse the ecstasy more and more and more until it is almost ALWAYS pure HELL and Heaven is a long forgotten memory."

I know not every situation is the same but that statement perfectly describes my situation.  I have remained addicted to a situation that is almost constant rage and verbal/emotional abuse.  Who does that?  Obviously I've had alot of issues to work thru and my r/s with my ex created alot more for me to grasp.  I'm not interested in blaming my ex anymore.  I don't want to be a victim anymore.  I just want peace and happiness... .   and hope that you can reach this place far more quickly than I have... .   I wish you welll... .

[antjs]

antony... .    while you have soul searching to do about your situation, I think you should realize how good you are handling it.  So many of us get wrapped up in the whole drama for so much longer.  The addiction just grows and gets more intense as the abuse from them often gets worse. 

  Obviously I've had alot of issues to work thru and my r/s with my ex created alot more for me to grasp.  I'm not interested in blaming my ex anymore.  I don't want to be a victim anymore.  I just want peace and happiness... .   and hope that you can reach this place far more quickly than I have... .   I wish you welll... .

I am trying not to be hard on myself. I am not addicted anymore as i am maintaining strict NC. actually the addiction is replenishing and the fog is getting clearer. Now i know almost 90% of the reasons, motives, drives of every situation of the relationship (mainly subtle abuse and belittling behaviors. she was doing it like she deliberately wanted to destroy me. also I can now feel her jealousy of me cause her life is destroyed with failed marriages and relationships, 2 abortions and escaping her family and living in another country while i am young, smart, having a good job and have all the future.) I still have my issues though that i would like to focus on. like how can i be that attached to someone in 6 weeks ? how did i accept to move in with her after one week ? how can i be with someone who is older, from different religion and divorced (i am not saying these are bad characters. i was ready to look to these obstacles as something trivial if she really turned out to be a good partner) how did she used reverse psychology and drama and saying we should not be with each other and lets be realistic that she is a miserable woman with a miserable life and we can not continue this relationship due to differences between our situations and i was talking about it is doable and we can even be together to the point of marriage ! how can i give up my self worth that easy ? even if she is a good partner i dont deserve to be with a divorced woman with 2 abortions while i have not been even married ! i should have left her when she used reverse psychology with me and said we can not be together instead of trying to keep her stay. she was using it to abuse me emotionally (after the honeymoon phase) but she still said that this is not a fling and she loves me a lot  . If she was that honest about the feeling that we can not be together she would have left me alone without abuse. she would have left me when i broke up with her instead of luring me back in using sex. she would have  not triangulate, flirt with other guys infront of me, be promiscuous and crazy making. I should stop talking about her. i should work on establishing boundaries. i should be more certain of my judgments and my decisions

[Take2]

Well you are looking at yourself and learning about yourself from this experience... hopefully it will lead you to recognize the red flags as they come up in the future so that you can decide then to walk away if necessary.  A divorced woman with 2 abortions isn't necessarily the woman you "don't deserve"... .   everyone has a past... .   every person has a history and is worth getting to know... .    unless of course you don't believe in abortion and that would go against your beliefs - obviously then you wouldn't choose a partner who differs so radically from you.  What you deserve is a healthy relationship with mutual love and understanding - single and divorced people are capable of it.  Just listen to the little voice inside next time red flags pop up with anyone right?

Take things slowly, be certain of how you feel... .   a healthy partner will respect your need to do that... .   they won't rush you into it.    Funny you talk about the reverse psychology - that happened with me too - I would think it would never ever work yet when he shut me out, so many times I'd beg and plead for us to spend our lives together.  Bizarre how our own minds work. 

[antjs]

Well you are looking at yourself and learning about yourself from this experience... hopefully it will lead you to recognize the red flags as they come up in the future so that you can decide then to walk away if necessary.  A divorced woman with 2 abortions isn't necessarily the woman you "don't deserve"... .  everyone has a past... .  every person has a history and is worth getting to know... .   unless of course you don't believe in abortion and that would go against your beliefs - obviously then you wouldn't choose a partner who differs so radically from you.  What you deserve is a healthy relationship with mutual love and understanding - single and divorced people are capable of it.  Just listen to the little voice inside next time red flags pop up with anyone right?

Take things slowly, be certain of how you feel... .  a healthy partner will respect your need to do that... .  they won't rush you into it.    Funny you talk about the reverse psychology - that happened with me too - I would think it would never ever work yet when he shut me out, so many times I'd beg and plead for us to spend our lives together.  Bizarre how our own minds work.  

I am not against abortion (actually i am undecided about this). I do not think divorced people are bad. All i want to say that this history should have made me cautious with her instead of believing and blindly trusting that she has been a victim for all these men ,even during the honeymoon phase. she tried to appear as not different than me and as she is all i want during the honeymoon phase. even with history that says that her values are so different than mine, she was trying to make me feel that the last couple of incidents in her life have changed a lot of her values (like money is not everything, i am after love now, i dont care about our default difference as religion or age i just want you and your purity, i dont always cling that fast but you are so special and exceptional). it is her disorder that made her do so and it is my issue that made me enable this. The difference now is that i am glad that i acknowledge my issues and working on them while she is still in denial and thinking that nothing in her life is her fault. I forgot to add after breaking up with her initially she lured me back through sex as i said. and due to her fear of abandonment SHE TRIED TO TRICK ME INTO THINKING THAT SHE IS PREGNANT AND WE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE 

[Infared]

My experience with my pwBPD was that everything was my fault, she was a victim and there was nothing wrong with her. She proved how "normal" she was by running out and getting her new hunk of love (no doubt playing victim and complaining as to what an ogre that I was). Therefore she was desirable and I was certainly the problem that caused her discontent.

She played this role when I met her and I feel for it, too. Hook, line and sinker.

Then I became the villian while she idolize her next "catch".

The only person that I could save was me.

It does not sound like this person is treating you like someone she loves. She does not sound capable.

The question you perhaps may want to be asking is why do you want someone who behaves this way.

I know that is what I had to start asking myself... .

[mywifecrazy]

My experience with my pwBPD was that everything was my fault, she was a victim and there was nothing wrong with her. She proved how "normal" she was by running out and getting her new hunk of love (no doubt playing victim and complaining as to what an ogre that I was). Therefore she was desirable and I was certainly the problem that caused her discontent.

She played this role when I met her and I feel for it, too. Hook, line and sinker.

Then I became the villian while she idolize her next "catch".

The only person that I could save was me.

You just described my 20yr relationship with my uBPDxw. Yes isn't it sick when you REALIZE (20yrs later) that she used the same BS to LURE in her next victim. Then TOSS you aside like your garbage.  It's like they have a sick PLAYBOOK. To emotionally abuse people without a second thought Sick, Sick, SICK!



YOU DON'T want this life AJ!

[Infared]

My experience with my pwBPD was that everything was my fault, she was a victim and there was nothing wrong with her. She proved how "normal" she was by running out and getting her new hunk of love (no doubt playing victim and complaining as to what an ogre that I was). Therefore she was desirable and I was certainly the problem that caused her discontent.

She played this role when I met her and I feel for it, too. Hook, line and sinker.

Then I became the villian while she idolize her next "catch".

The only person that I could save was me.

You just described my 20yr relationship with my uBPDxw. Yes isn't it sick when you REALIZE (20yrs later) that she used the same BS to LURE in her next victim. Then TOSS you aside like your garbage.  It's like they have a sick PLAYBOOK. To emotionally abuse people without a second thought Sick, Sick, SICK!

YOU DON'T want this life AJ!

MWC... it gets better... .

Ten years later she tries to "accidentally" (it was all orchestrated) run into me in a supermarket parking lot. So, I was still so damaged as soon as I saw her I just avoided her and quickly made it to my car... . I looked over my shoulder and she stopped, did the big emotional sigh, slumped her shoulders and play out the big victim drama in the middle if the parking.  Anybody watching would have pegged me as a jerk... . "I hurt the pretty woman's feelings... . big mean ogre".  I think I have PTSD because of how she and her man treated me.

It's just funny that she is playing victim to me because I am saving myself after the way her actions and words made me suffer.  It did clearly show me how mentally ill she still is, but it also shook me up a great deal. The level of self-centeredness on her part is pathological.

It is so confusing to me to feel that you have to protect yourself from someone that you had such strong feelings of love for. It really twisted and painful

... . but I think we can heal and take care of ourselves.

[mywifecrazy]

MWC... it gets better... .

Ten years later she tries to "accidentally" (it was all orchestrated) run into me in a supermarket parking lot. So, I was still so damaged as soon as I saw her I just avoided her and quickly made it to my car... . I looked over my shoulder and she stopped, did the big emotional sigh, slumped her shoulders and play out the big victim drama in the middle if the parking.  Anybody watching would have pegged me as a jerk... . "I hurt the pretty woman's feelings... . big mean ogre".  I think I have PTSD because of how she and her man treated me.

It's just funny that she is playing victim to me because I am saving myself after the way her actions and words made me suffer.  It did clearly show me how mentally ill she still is, but it also shook me up a great deal. The level of self-centeredness on her part is pathological.

It is so confusing to me to feel that you have to protect yourself from someone that you had such strong feelings of love for. It really twisted and painful

... . but I think we can heal and take care of ourselves.

My God that would freak me out especially after 10 years (I'm only 11 months out) did you have kids with her? Unfortunately I have 2 sons with my uBPDxw (9&14 they are awesome  ) having kids means I will always (unfortunately) have a toe in her world with a glimpse into tHE CRAZINESS! I've gone NC to save my sanity. Only communicate via e-mail and only about kids. Even if I see her at a kids function I don't talk to her.

Anybody watching would have pegged me as a jerk... . "I hurt the pretty woman's feelings... . big mean ogre".  I think I have PTSD because of how she and her man treated me.

Yes that's me alright I am the Ogre too! I raped her her and beat on her and my kids. Sick stories she was telling people so they would feel sorry for her. And like you I'm dealing with PTSD from being lied to and lied about.

My God it's scary how sick they are and what they are capable of!

[kba1969]

Here's how sick they can be... . 3 days before my daughters birthday I broke up with my x because I found out she was out two nights with her x boyfriend from years ago.  When I confronted her I got the "Whe are just friends!".  I told her I couldn't do this anymore.  She asked "what about your daughters presents that I bought her?"  I told her I didn't want her to have them and that maybe she could just give them to someone else one day.  She called the day before her birthday, sobbing, wanting to reconcile.  My daughter had been asking about her and had questioned whether she had presents from her or not.  I put my guard down and allowed her to come back.  We had a nice time celebrating the birthday and my daughter got her gifts.  She broke things off the next day, my daughter hasn't seen her since... .

    Obviously this is a good example of their sick abandonment issues.  Why not involve a child when you are one, Right?

[Infared]

Guys... . it is just mind-bending how self-centered and manipulative that they are. They, many times, are just aware of only their immediate needs in that moment... . not any one else, partner, child , strangers, anyone else. They are in selfish child mode. They will manipulate, lie, tell half truths, lie by omission... . whatever it takes. Nothing else really defines it as well as that. ... . if I "choose" to interact with that I usually would end up dumbfounded and emotionally hurt in some way.

[mywifecrazy]

The only person that I could save was me.

This really hit me when I first read it, it is so true for ALL of us. I fell for the deception and manipulation into thinking I was a NOBLE person who was doing everything he could to help this poor girl who was treated horribly by her family and past boyfriend. I know now (20yrs later) that it was ALL lies purposely used to MANIPULATE and CONTROL me. Now that the Titantic is sinking there is only one life preserver, I'm grabbing it and pushing her away to fend for herself. I MUST SAVE MYSELF (and my kids) OR SHE WILL DROWN US BOTH! Besides She has a new rescuer, let him save her... . Poor ass!

Here's how sick they can be... . 3 days before my daughters birthday I broke up with my x because I found out she was out two nights with her x boyfriend from years ago.  When I confronted her I got the "Whe are just friends!"

She broke things off the next day, my daughter hasn't seen her since... .

Obviously this is a good example of their sick abandonment issues.  Why not involve a child when you are one, Right?

Yes the we are just friends line. I heard that when I confronted my X about this fat cop that she was running around with. I told her OK then you won't mind me telling his wife about your FRIENDSHIP... . she freaked out... . LOL it's so hilarious when you corner them in a lie. She would also use the line "He's a nice guy" whenever she was targeting someone or probably already with. Always someone who was married too!

Yes your X could care less about hurting your little girls feelings. She just wanted to make HERSELF feel good by showing up and handing out the gift. My X USES and MANIPULATES our sons all he time to SOOTHE herself.

Hang in there brother!

They will manipulate, lie, tell half truths, lie by omission... . whatever it takes. Nothing else really defines it as well as that. ... . if I "choose" to interact with that I usually would end up dumbfounded and emotionally hurt in some way.

It took me a long time to come to this REALITY but better late than never. With this KNOWLEDGE I can move forward a SAVE MYSELF.  There are times that come up and I start to feel sorry for her and want to HELP. I then snap out of it and realize that's what she wants. That's what she PRAYS ON! It's sad but what you say here is so true and they will never change. The only people we can save is ourselves!

[Infared]

MWC... .

I know that I have to always try to keep this balanced in my head  ... . I had a part in this. There was a codependent building of my self esteem when she was mirroring me and idolizing me. I was unhealthy and could not give that to myself and was lapping it up and not seeing the unhealthy coupling of the two of us.  I have done a lot of work on that after the relationship... . but I need to try to always remember now that I know more... . that underneath it all she is sick and in pain too.  Of course her disease tells her that there is nothing wrong with her and that it is everyone else's fault... so she is not going to go get help... . but I have to try to keep that balance and have some empathy when I make my healthier choices for me.  Awareness and balance in my life and interacting with the situation is key.   In my case, when my ex planned and  tried to "accidentally" run into me in the parking lot... . I could have done a LOT of things... . but I chose to just put my head down, speed up and go around her and get in my car. I could have made a seen and told her off and asked her if her husband knew if she was chasing me around in the parking lot, etc., etc., etc.  but I have gotten healthier. (I do have an inner knowledge that she went home, did not mention anything about running out of the store, waiting by my car, trying to ambush me... . but she will say to her husband that she passed me in the supermarket and she tried to say "Hi!" and I ignored her... . to play victim, make him jealous, and manipulate him. That I am sure of)... .

Once I start to get better I have to work at taking care of me and also being the responsible adult, as much as I can. i.e. be part of the solution, not part of the problem... . no matter what it may look like to others.

[Split black]

Mine hasnt tired to contact me since the first two weeks of the month... . and thats after cheating and being busted multiple times... . and then after i caved saw her... . it was horrible... and she then smeared me and tried to destroy my reputation around the area. THEN... . tried to contact me, telling me she had a business proposal and to call her... . and then another attempt... . a week later she asked if I was alive.  I just finally, finally disconnected after so much crap and lies its like awaking from a coma. I still get angry... she still invades my thoughts before waking and sometimes before sleeping. But I dont dwell anymore... . and Im seeing someone else.  It gets better... . but you have to totally and completely make it like they dont exist. Like you moved to another planet. NC. forever and ever. I promise you will feel better in time.

[Infared]

Split Black... . I agree with your thoughts (although every situation is different)... . I have to have NC forever.  It was extremely difficult for me to dis my exBPD when she attempted the "accidental" run-in in the parking lot. It's been years and I still think of her and her family all the time. Part of me wants to see her and the other half wants to run like hell! It's so twisted.  She turned into an alien. Who knows why she is spending all this effort trying to see me.  I guarantee it would all be on my emotional dime.  It's just so wrong... . she has a husband at home (next victim). So her actions disrespect him and me in one foul swoop... . the whole situation is soo disturbing I just don't know if I will ever have internal peace with it. I have stopped dating so I really never replaced this with something new... . so I my just be stuck with the aftermath indefinitely.

[Split black]

Split Black... . I agree with your thoughts (although every situation is different)... . I have to have NC forever.  It was extremely difficult for me to dis my exBPD when she attempted the "accidental" run-in in the parking lot. It's been years and I still think of her and her family all the time. Part of me wants to see her and the other half wants to run like hell! It's so twisted.  She turned into an alien. Who knows why she is spending all this effort trying to see me.  I guarantee it would all be on my emotional dime.  It's just so wrong... . she has a husband at home (next victim). So her actions disrespect him and me in one foul swoop... . the whole situation is soo disturbing I just don't know if I will ever have internal peace with it. I have stopped dating so I really never replaced this with something new... . so I my just be stuck with the aftermath indefinitely.

Listen... . I was with mine for about a year... . and I am world traveled sophisticated guy who has dated A LOT of women in my lifetime. I have been married and divorced and lived with another women for 10 years... .   AND i have been the leaver in unfortunately A LOT of short and longer term relationships over the years as well. I have been left and cheated on with the boundaries of normalcy. That was lack of integrity or whatever... . BUT... this nightmare sucked me in like there was no tomorrow and I didnt realize it. Before I knew it I was behaving like a 20 year old or younger... . and even in that awareness I still could not resist her sexuality. Even, even when I knew she cheated and was cheating or suspected. The push/pull... . the transparent pathological lying, the lying and denying in the face of truth. I would just stare at her in disbelief. Tell her she was crazy. She would say... yeah, I know. Who knows what stories are or were true? Everything, every word, every story about herself and her past become immediately suspect. I STILL think about her ... . I would STILL like her to crawl back if I was brutally honest... . addicted much?  But I wont... . I haven't heard from her since the beginning of the month as explained above. I did have one restricted call come in but never picked up. ugh

But you HAVE to date man... . thats REALLY gonna help.