Divorce or not

[JB1960]

My wife of 4 years just told me she in not happy and wants a divorce. This was 48 hours after she was telling me how much she love me and hopes I never leave her. She has BPD but refuses treatment. She has not come back home for 4 weeks even though she has no job and supposedly no money. She spoke to an attorney first and in an emotional decision I hired my own attorney and filed first. For most of the year she has been depressed and talked about not felling worthy of my love. I have helped her through many difficult crisis in the past 4 years. Over the summer she began a keto diet and started posting bikini shots on Instagram. I didn't confront her but now am suspicious that she has entered into a new relationship. I am an emotional, sensitive Cancer male and these situations eat away at me. She has been focused on money and wanted me to provide her with an allowance. I have my own hobby which is golf and I pay for her hair, nails, and clothing. I also helped her these past two years with her coursework because I felt it would provide her with more career opportunities. She will not respond to any of my texts or calls. The divorce is moving forward. I enjoy her company but it seems she wanted more attention that what I was already providing. Just hoping to get some honest feedback from those on this site.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Divorce is a process driven by lawyers, judges, procedures, etc.  It is completely insensitive to what's going on in your relationship, and will impact you and your wife in ways that drive you apart.  For example, if your wife is filling out financial disclosure paperwork to meet a court deadline, that will push her farther away and drown out any messages you send to reach out to her.

Is there any downside that you see to slowing down the divorce?  Can you have your lawyer ask for a continuance to delay the proceedings for several months?  Simply doing this would send a strong message to your wife, and take the pressure off.

RC

[JB1960]

Thank you for the reply. Unfortunately, the proceedings can't be stopped at this point unless both parties agree. My wife has not responded to any of my attempts at contacting her. Hindsight being 20/20 I would not have begun the proceedings. My emotions were just running at such a high level that I could not slow myself down to think. I thought we were doing fine but she is hung up on money and attention. She has very low self-esteem and does not feel worthy of being loved. She has a bit of a sketchy past which I was fully aware of when I asked her to marry me. I thought I could be the one guy that treated her properly. Which I have been. However, she is so insecure that she needs validation 24/7. She has the looks of a super model. She started a keto diet around August and began posting bikini shots on Instagram and accepting follow requests from strange men. I guess it filled a void for her. Meanwhile, I was in the next room trying to find a job because my company went bankrupt in August. Thank God I was blessed with a great job within 30 days. Her attitude towards me changed from the minute I got the new job. Resentful is how I would describe it. I believe she has "split" me and found a new interest. I get better every day and based upon my research, I am not the only one that has experienced such a shift in feelings over a 48 hour period.

[Radcliff]

It is very common for our pwBPD to shift their emotions very quickly.  Because our emotions don't shift so quickly, when they say something like "I hate you, I want a divorce," we tend to interpret it like we would from a typical person -- she hates me today, so she'll hate me tomorrow, and the next day.  With a pwBPD, she may hate you today and love you tomorrow. 

You can only control your own actions.  You can ask your lawyer to ask her lawyer for a delay in the case, and say that you'd like to try to work things out with her (if that is what you want).  She will either agree or disagree.  In either case, you will know that you did what you could.  What are your thoughts on this?

RC

[JB1960]

I have asked my lawyer to tell her lawyer that I am interested in a reconciliation. He has not heard back from her lawyer. This was a tough year for us financially. She has been talking about depression, feeling unworthy, etc. the entire year. What makes this so painful is that I just landed a great new job which provides us with more financial stability than we have had. It is almost as if she became resentful when I got the job. I really believe she found a new man because she has not been home in four weeks. She left with only the clothes on her back which makes me believe she was staging clothes at the new place. For all I know, this may have been a planned action. Like I said, the Instagram photos are hurtful. I am husband #4 and she is only 49 years old. Do you have any thoughts based on the little information I have shared?