“I don’t see a future” The 4 am wake up call that it’s over, again

[pearlsw]

I’ve taken on a lot of new work assignments lately and am preparing for an upcoming trip I am excited about, but that also involves a lot of preparation. My SO has started a new job, amazingly given what’s been going on in the past 4 months since he was suddenly laid off. I am proud of him and glad too that I could do my part to help him get back on his feet. I just wish the emotional and physical cost to me could have been lower, but…I’ll process and move on in time. It’s so much easier now that he is taking medication, but challenges remain.

I think he really means to be supportive of me, in theory, but a small miscommunication blew up between us two nights ago and I had no energy to swoop in and do fast repair work.

What happened? Well, our apartment is incredibly sound proof so you can’t hear well between rooms, and his hearing is declining a bit, so I often have to repeat the same exact sentences 3-4 times. With each reiteration my tone flattens, as does my enthusiasm. Seriously, try saying one sentence that many times and not…I am working on my patience.  I didn't hear him, he didn't hear me, boom, miscommunication, but it should not have been a big deal. You shrug it off.

I have communicated that I am not upset with him over things he cannot control - like hearing loss. He hears the frustration as a criticism of him. It’s not, but I had no chance to communicate with his emotional flooding. He got increasingly dramatic and tried to intentionally hurt me with his words. I depersonalized it.

Overall, I’m frustrated with my lack of patience and not being able to have basic human communication. I just can’t always tell if it is a hearing thing, or I’m being ignored, or he’s just slow to react, or if it’s an understanding thing. It’s actually, miraculously, gotten better than it used to be…so make of that what you will.

Anyway, I knew it was risky to not help him with balancing his emotions that night, not be the emotional leader. You might be able to coast for a day or two with a non, and things would just blow over, but not someone like my SO who is emotionally sensitive and not a strong communicator. (He also interrupts during discussions,  which escalates things, and does not know how/what to say to resolve issues. I am so easy to get along with, even he says this, he just has no experience with this via his ex-wife.) He gets very, very hurt.

His break ups threats have turned into break up insinuations. He codes them differently, sometimes, because he gets how bad threats are for his chances with me, especially during this decisive phase of our relationship. But still, the “end of the world” is always right at his fingertips…which is extra difficult as I am an immigrant with few resources or contacts. My world exists through him almost entirely - not my wish, just a fact of being in another country with someone.

I managed to get a few laughs from him (and myself) gently teasing him about it today…I told him his “break up cakes” were now “breakup cupcakes”. He’s using the same recipe, but in smaller sizes. That still cracks me up.   He insists he did not mean to insinuate that, he’s just losing hope. But he’s losing hope because I am not excited about being with him the way I used to be and I am not willing to fight for him anymore like I was last year, and he knows this.

He went too far, but it was also before he started taking his medication and I want to be fair to him about that. He wasn't in his right mind, but he did make damaging choices - he just doesn't get that there are consequences. I can’t get fully excited or be fully open to a future exactly because of the threats and pressure - a vicious circle. Even if things did “work out”…being with him is a lot of emotional work and I don’t trust him, what he is capable of at his worst. I knew the “weapons” he and his ex used when fighting could some day be turned on me, but it was even worse than I imagined when it did happen. It is not easy to love someone who tried to damage your life.

He needs a lot of comfort, love and care and is trying to wait past my busiest days this week, but he can’t really. He is very impulsive and wants his needs for attention met instantly…unless he finds a distraction. Right now he's really into topics in physics, so sometimes he can get totally lost and practically forget I exist. I have to admit I liked the break his brief silent treatment afforded me, but I did feel guilty for not making a better effort with him. I should step it up if I’m with him. I don’t know sometimes if I’m trying to stay together or just get us to the point where we could have a relatively peaceful breakup... .but I want to be allowed my own uncertainty, and he doesn't really "allow" it. He wants me so I should have to want him in his way of thinking, or it's too much for him emotionally. He feels rejected and then pushes me to get a reaction.

Well, just a reminder not to let your tools get rusty! I missed an opportunity for practicing better communication.

It’s like when I am in a groove with exercise - I can show up and do what I need to do without thinking. I don’t waste time questioning and bargaining about doing a workout, I just do what needs to be done. I wish I'd stepped up a bit more instead of not trying so hard.

As weary as I am, I think I need that same attitude when he needs help with emotional situations he’s not well-equipped for. I need to not overwhelm him with “teaching” him how to have discussions with me - and save that for other times, and in very small doses, and make it a team effort and not a weight around his neck, or let him feel labelled as not good at communication. I do praise him whenever I can because it's fun for both of us to hear kind words.

I know he really wants to make things better and he deserves a fair chance to do this, to do the best he can. I think it is more a lack of skills that is the issue, now that he is more calm.  

Thing is all his pressuring of me to feel what he feels NOW and not let me recover…is not the right path with me. But I know dealing with my emotions is very hard for him. I must not forget this. It's just gotten so much harder to remember how and why we fell in love and what our dreams were... .even the best memories are often laced with pain and disappointment.

-pearl.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[braveSun]

Hey Pearl   
Just saw your post with no response... There is a lot I can relate to in this post. I'll pick one part.

It's just gotten so much harder to remember how and why we fell in love and what our dreams were... .even the best memories are often laced with pain and disappointment.

So sorry for your sadness. 

I'm having a hard time with this too. My partner seems to be in the same boat than yours, having difficulties expressing their emotions, even less being patient or helping with ours.

I know what you are saying. My 18+ relationship good memories seem to have disappeared under a ton of bricks lately. Reading your post makes me remember...

Take heart, though. I know there are moments where our good memories kind of come to the surface too.

These days I think they are both wonderful and both ill, in the sense that they can surprise us with sincere goodness, and than we can get to feel the sense of time, with all the accumulated pain. It can feel as if the good times were not for real , if I can express myself a bit lopsided right here. That's what confuses the hell out of my mind. I want to either see my spouse as ill, or as normal. Hard to take both. Both are really the truth. At different times, in different situations.

I've read somewhere that we don't want to lose the good memories either. They are as real as the hurtful ones. Part of the tapestry of life. Especially as we are all aging...


In the end, we also have the job to draw the line for ourselves and allow self-regards somewhere. 
What a job!...

[pearlsw]

Hi braveSun,

So much has happened since I posted this I nearly forgot I had a post! Thank you for taking the time to reply, especially since I wrote so much!

It is indeed a hard time. Part of me feels like I should be fighting to save things, now that he is making some genuine effort to be healthy, another part of me is just worn out and ready for a new path in life... .I wonder what it would be like to shed all of this trouble and leave it behind. 

I have a lot of work at the moment and when I tried to set boundaries around that he ran right over them which was pretty irritating. He is very attached to me and feels "rejection" intensely when he is not the center of my attention. When he saw how much it affected me, saw me hurt, then he got upset. He can't handle me having feelings other than being totally happy with him it can feel like... .

What's hard is we do have some unresolved issues... .because he could not handle conversations that we needed to have had over the last years. And also, he just strikes me as someone who never lets anything be resolved... .so we devolve into both bringing up the past and then... .I try to redirect towards the future. It's hard.

I wish I could have the innocence of when I first met him back... .it was a nice dream to start, what we initially were looking for, but... .it went so far off course.

Thank you again for the kindness and warmth! 

~pearl.

[braveSun]

It is indeed a hard time. Part of me feels like I should be fighting to save things, now that he is making some genuine effort to be healthy, another part of me is just worn out and ready for a new path in life... .I wonder what it would be like to shed all of this trouble and leave it behind.  

Hello Pearl

I am sorry that you are going through such a challenging time. 

I know what you mean. It's the way I am too. I would not want to miss the opportunity to give my partner a living chance to make improvements. I can see that you are tired though. I wonder if you do have opportunities to take a 'me-break' here and there. I know you are working a lot. These times can be trying. I know when I have a lot of work to do, or I am in high stress, it is down right impossible to see a future with anything. Than naturally we tend to see the negative more than the positive.

On the other hand, you have a very good question there worth exploring. What it would be like to shed all this trouble behind... I believe the answer would be highly personal. I'd say a different type of challenge perhaps? or maybe just the same difficulties for a while?

I am surprised at how much my spouse's behaviors affects me. Although I am living separately right now, I notice that 'recovery' is a very slow and organic process, and I need to process a lot. I am in regular contact with her, by phone, but it's interesting to just skip a day between phone calls, just to see if I can get more accomplished by doing so...

[RolandOfEld]

I can’t get fully excited or be fully open to a future exactly because of the threats and pressure - a vicious circle. Even if things did “work out”…being with him is a lot of emotional work and I don’t trust him, what he is capable of at his worst. I knew the “weapons” he and his ex used when fighting could some day be turned on me, but it was even worse than I imagined when it did happen. It is not easy to love someone who tried to damage your life.

pearls I know exactly how you feel. My wife took a potential first step towards getting treatment on Friday and it made me sit down and think what's here for me if she gets better. Even if they get "better", if it's possible for a recurrence one day, even just one, is that perhaps enough to decide we don't want this relationship? After their recovery, can we get past all the terrible things they did to hurt us, even if it was more the illness than them?

These are difficult questions I'm going over in my head right now. If my wife decides to proceed with treatment and the symptoms lessen I will most likely stick around to see her through it, if not for myself than at least for my kids. But that doesn't mean I'm definitely in it for the long haul. There is still love there, but so much hurt.

I suggest you focus on trying to "live" before trying to love, get to a state of coexistence that is at least tolerable. And as a fellow expat, I am trying to build my life here that doesn't exist solely through her. This is hard but you never know what exists in the corners.

We're here for you as you go through the process. I know how much you've been through.  

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Oh ROE, I always want to give you a great big hug!  

You said it all so well! I am in this phase now. If he could just go for longer periods of time being calm I'd almost feel like I have no basis to break up with him. But as longer periods of calm have opened up I have more time with my thoughts and memories and when I put them into words I can't believe this is a part of my life, any of this.

You know both the ups and downsides of waking up in a part of the world you don't quite fit into. It is at once magical, and eye-opening, and limiting and lacking... .

What I'm dealing with now is that I am making a trip in a few weeks to Asia and his abandonment issues and fears have cropped up. So, I'm dealing with some push/pull that I knew couldn't really be all the way gone, but I had gotten a little lulled by how calm he's been since he started on medication... .But he's the same person, the same issues are there, they are just slightly more... .he has more ability to control things, but not entirely. He was making some wild statements recently and he... .he has that issue... .if anyone knows more about this that I could read up on... .But he can't remember so much! I can!

And when I mention it, things he's said and done, he is... .he is hurt, emotional, upset, etc. And I genuinely believe him. He's always said this about himself... .He can remember very little of his life really. Someone was talking about this recently about how some people can't store their memories of being in these heightened states so well, ya know? Hmmm.

Anyway, I'm definitely not in mind frame of being in this for the long haul. I just can't after some of what happened, but I do feel some obligation to give him a chance since he's trying, but... .I can't say "I love you" to him... .It usually comes so naturally to me so for me not to be able to say it is a big, big deal. I do occasionally say it, but not like I used to in the past, and not with excitement or any sense of a future. I feel bad for him, really bad, to see someone want love so much, to give and receive it, but to be so flawed in doing so. It is so tragic in my eyes.

Hi braveSun, 

Thanks so much for the ongoing support! Hugs for you too!    I get to take a 10 day trip soon and I must admit... .the thought of having time away from him is very appealing, though I know I will worry because he's not good at feeding himself, but I can help him beforehand and I get to be away! My goal is just get to this signpost without him messing it up for me, in some he's helped with it, in other ways, he's adding stress and already kinda wrecking it for me. Why does he have to find a way to wreck everything? Argh!

I just wish I had someone to meet for tea and chatting and laughing. I am working more, so I have more contact with people, but no real way to meet people that I could be friends and do stuff with. That is a major drawback of my life here!

thanks so much, pearl.

[braveSun]

Hey Pearl,

Again, there is so much I could respond to in your post. I will stick to some observations just now.

If he could just go for longer periods of time being calm I'd almost feel like I have no basis to break up with him. But as longer periods of calm have opened up I have more time with my thoughts and memories and when I put them into words I can't believe this is a part of my life, any of this.

I like what ROE is saying about finding a way to coexist in a way that is at least tolerable for you. Apart from the time you will be away, have you thought of some small ways you can carve out peace-time in your days, living with his condition. If you wait for him to be calmer for that, I doubt this will ever happen.

Than this. I do relate to 'having more time with my thoughts and memories'. Those are important moment of realization.  All the emotions we can experience there!...   It's double important that you take good care of yourself while going through those feelings. What are you going to do to pamper yourself a bit? Keep posting.

I get to take a 10 day trip soon and I must admit... .the thought of having time away from him is very appealing, though I know I will worry because he's not good at feeding himself, but I can help him beforehand and I get to be away!

 
      You seem to have a plan for that part. I would add, do you know of anybody you can check with, who could sort of check on him while you are gone? Please pardon me if I don't quite know your story. It takes some time to figure these details out, with all those posts we write on these boards. Does he have family members who can help? a therapist?
Do you know of any medical (aging) issues that maybe were left unannounced and now are showing up? Would scheduling a doctor's appointment (for later) help in some ways?

My goal is just get to this signpost without him messing it up for me, in some he's helped with it, in other ways, he's adding stress and already kinda wrecking it for me. Why does he have to find a way to wreck everything? Argh!

   
So frustrating!... Forgive me, reading this made me laugh...   Hang in there. He's most likely not aware that his mounting concerns are interfering with your needs to get ready for your trip. 

You have touched on some very important points Pearl. I think for us nons, we're sort of getting 'on a mission' of sorts, and than we're having a hard time to notice when our self-care gets lost in the shuffle. That's also besides some of the actions our loved ones can pull on us at our more vulnerable times.

I just wish I had someone to meet for tea and chatting and laughing. I am working more, so I have more contact with people, but no real way to meet people that I could be friends and do stuff with.

Yep!...  

Sometimes I think I'm not socializing enough because I feel emotionally so drained, I would have a hard time to just being there with others.

Which brings me to another point. Hobbies can give us some of that much needed mind space, away from big drama.

Please forgive me if it's adding to your load. Food for plane thoughts. I know it's a process. And there are many many small steps we can take, whatever the direction we're taking.

Wishing you much strength and peace!     

Brave