is/was your BPD at all helpfull in some way? any redeeming quality

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Mine would research things to death but have so many points of view and angles that I know it was an attempt to excuse herself if it was not the right answer. If she made entries in ourcheckbook she would fudge the figures, manipulate an massage dates times and payees. She couldn't make a decision about anything without having a backdoor ( to blame me ) if she was wrong.

She had this thing about doing the laundry , she always did the laundry but no other choirs unless she was " coming alongside " because she wouldn't ever lose control. She would shop for groceries but she would never get me what I asked and only buy microwavable or Lunchables for the kids. As a matter of fact I would sent pick myself up something everyday and the kids were often told to eat cereal.

So I am trying to think of one.

are they all just really terrible people?

[Not2Crazy]

Mine would research things to death but have so many points of view and angles that I know it was an attempt to excuse herself if it was not the right answer. If she made entries in ourcheckbook she would fudge the figures, manipulate an massage dates times and payees. She couldn't make a decision about anything without having a backdoor ( to blame me ) if she was wrong.

She had this thing about doing the laundry , she always did the laundry but no other choirs unless she was " coming alongside " because she wouldn't ever lose control. She would shop for groceries but she would never get me what I asked and only buy microwavable or Lunchables for the kids. As a matter of fact I would sent pick myself up something everyday and the kids were often told to eat cereal.

So I am trying to think of one.

are they all just really terrible people?

[paperlung]

Helpful? She'd make/pay for dinner sometimes. That's about it, unfortunately. How sad is that? And she'd even complain about that; how I would never cook for her.

[daze]

are they all just really terrible people?

No, not in the case of my uBPDh from whom I am separated but still in r/s.  He has many wonderful attributes or I wouldn't be on the Undecided board. 

For example, I was sick this weekend, went to his house, and he cooked and took care of me.  I appreciate it.  He did get mad when I left today because he wanted me to stay.  Had to do some validation.

I don't think anyone is all good or all bad, gotta watch out for the black and white thinking.   

Daze

[Clearmind]

Our partners often exhibited black and white thinking – it may help that we don’t follow suit.

It may help to dig deep as to why you need to open a discussion like this – often we are seeking validation from others, wishing to hear that others did not find any “redeeming” qualities which makes it feel OK that we are not in the relationship.

It makes the separation seem palatable – work on your self-blame, lack of self trust that brought you into this relationship to begin with. This is not your partners fault and its not yours.

You each brought your own dynamic/issues to the relationship – find yours.

4.1 Over generalizing: There are many similarities in the experiences of people involved in high conflict relationships. And, when we feel emotionally wounded, we often look for vindication and validation to sooth our pain. It's easy to buy too far into this "soothing" and lose sight of our role in the conflict and struggles -- and when we do, healing and growth come slowly.

Avoid excessive use of blanket statements like "they all lie?" or posing blanket questions like "why do they all cheat?" or "what were we thinking?". It's healthier to keep your explorations and comments in the first person by phrasing things as "why did my girlfriend lie?", "why did my boyfriend cheat?", And "what was I thinking?".

Personality disorders and traits have a broad spectrum of expression and every relationship dynamic is unique, just as each of us are unique.

[Not2Crazy]

Yep clearmind you kicked my butt ... .   however 80% of what I have posted has gotten no replies. When I post a "venting" post like this I get responses.

Why? you ask? Why do I hit the Hornets nest?

because I am worn out trying to make sense is it like this for everybody.

In reality she is overboard ready to help me whenever I have been stuck since we divorced in ways that before she would say I caused the problem so fix it before.

Now its not that she wants me back or that she could function in a relationship. She says she will stop spousal support when she has a job but she has that problem where she can't keep a job. We did 3 years of marriage counseling and it doesn't work where there is not normal, but maybe it never really works so kick my butt give me some validation.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

N2C

There are similarities with our ex's or else they would not be able to diagnose them as BPD. What you have described is someone that is only concerned about themselves and no one else. I think it is helpfully for you to explore your historical relationship and see what your ex did and did not do for you. This is a very healthy process in my opinion, because it will lead you to the next question of why you stayed in the relationship, why you did not speak for yourself. I think you are on the right path to explore the history so that you do not repeat it and you will work on yourself... .  

[Not2Crazy]

isn't caring only about themself part of it vampslayer? that narcism? right? one of the criteria?

It seems like no one... .   no-one identifies with me as a unwilling participant in a mental health issue. They think that I did not put my foot down or that I just did not care about them because her perspective on everything me and what my friends must have been like was just as bad as the ways she colored me black or colored me white and it reflects on me. Church pastors were quick to blame me and suspect that false orders of protection are true and that  my children were in danger? OMG what a nightmare. I mean I eventually developed a depression that griped me and I was treated but when I did and wrote  my bff about it the confusion and venting ended that relationship and now its the poverty that grips my life as I struggle paying cs and alimony on 2/3 of a judges presumed income because this happened at a bad economic time.

Granted I probably am another "lonely child syndrome" maybe I do need my butt kicked to get out of my pity party but wow, I send my brothers and OLD friends email and they don't want to respond or are very cold, "you never have any money" , "you didn't care about us". I mean we are talking about a wife that smiled when she told me my dad died because she knew we would inherit money and would not let us move to the same city as my brother for a good job because my brother is a homosexual and she said he would corrupt my boys. I want to know if others live with this much intellectual bullying as I did ... .  

[causticdork]

Mine fell into the role of caregiver really well, so if I was sick or injured (and if she wasn't busy stealing my pain meds) she would turn into a really sweet, caring, fantastic girlfriend.  There was a little over a month where I had a close family member in the hospital who almost died, and during that time my ex was amazing.  She didn't pick fights and she was supportive and loving and made me feel really safe and comforted. 

All the rest of the time, she was an emotional minefield.  It wasn't worth it to me to spend my life tiptoeing around scared of setting off an explosion, so I left.  She definitely had good traits, but they just weren't enough to outweigh all the lies and outbursts.  And of course every conversation we've had about the break-up has been her saying that either this is all her fault and she'll never forgive herself, or it's all my fault and she'll never forgive me.  She really doesn't have any gray areas when it comes to relationships.

[sueyo]

In my relationship with my exBPD (only one month apart now), She was very smart. High IQ. I was so insecure after years of her beating me up intelletually. She could twist anything and everything I said and I would start to doubt my own feelings. She was very intellectual. I believe she hacked into my emails and read my text telling me she didnt. But she knew to much. And then call me the lyer and she couldnt trust me.

He intellect fooled everyone but me. Her kids who are 20 and 26 now are beginning to suspect something. I wonder sometimes if I should say anything to them and help them on their journey. But its their journey not mine. Still debate it though.

I get how frustrating it is when you feel like your the only one who sees her BPD behavior and how much it has effected your life, especially finacially. And, our craziness from all that comes across as 'we are the ones with the problem'. That is frustrating, crazy making, and difficult to just accept as how it is. exp when a lot of us are dealing with our own rejection and unworthiness issues.

[theboro504]

Yes. Mine demonstrated to me what I will never tolerate again and that I need learn to say no.

[Surrender]

Yes Not2Crazy my ex was superior in the department of intellectual beating. It was rather terrifying to see such an acute intelligence that could have succeeded doing anything but instead he sabotaged his entire life so that he couldn't even keep any job for longer than a few weeks (if that). He had major issues in high school and had to transfer twice so he didn't finish.

Yet there he was with a highly intelligent brain that had nowhere to go nor a desire to direct itself with the exception of ruminating over every issue exasperating his illness. So in effect his intelligence didn't do him any favors, it only made things worse because of his illness.

He however was brilliantly able to twist me up so bad that I was no longer able to ascertain 'the truth' but instead was entwined in his version.

Was he helpful? Only when he was in the idolizing me phase was he considerate, helpful and protective/jealous. He did things for me that apparently he never did for any of his exes ever. He seemed incredibly attentive to me and lavished a rather significant amount of detail in making me happy at the beginning.

However he was intensely selfish and self-serving by nature. He didn't want me to see this at first but when the hitting me black started appearing, so did all his true traits. He had a huge attitude of entitlement and believed that he didn't have to do anything because he would be taken care of. He resented when I tried to get him to see how selfish he was by nature and any attempts I made to try and get him to be more 'giving' and considerate of others. He was incredibly narcissistic.

[WalrusGumboot]

Was my exBPDw helpful in some ways? Sure. She had a keen sense of style. During the remodeling of our home, she searched for and picked every drape, tile, wallpaper, paint color, etc. and the home came out beautiful. It took a load of pressure off of me while I worked my business, but in reality it was far from a cooperative effort. It was her way or the highway, and for years afterward I heard "I worked my *ss off to make you a nice place to live, and you let the yard go to crap!" Everything had a string attached, but that is besides the point. She was helpful if there was something in it for her. But, that is better than nothing!

[Surrender]

Everything had a string attached

You hit the nail on the head when you said "everything had a string attached". My ex used to pride himself on thinking and saying that he didn't hold onto anything anyone ever did to him and that there were never any strings attached. I used to literally marvel when he would say this because I never knew anyone who held onto literally EVERYTHING and almost had a photographic memory when it came to pulling up everything you ever did, said or behaved not to mention the endless strings that were attached to everything.

Well said.

[LetItBe]

Yes. Mine demonstrated to me what I will never tolerate again and that I need learn to say no.

My ex helped me out in this way as well!

He could be very helpful in other ways, too, when he wasn't dysregulated.  He was very considerate, opening doors for me, warming up the car before I'd get into it when it was cold (esp. if we were in front of his parents or friends), sending me home w/leftovers when we'd make dinner at his place, offering to bring me cold medicine/tea when I was not feeling well, etc.  This could all turn into complete, silent withdrawal, or accusing me of "trying to trick him," in an instant, though.

[hithere]

OLD friends email and they don't want to respond or are very cold,

You come across really angry and this is what they hear... .   they probably don't want to deal with it.  You need to work on healing yourself. 

My exBPD was very destructive to my life and when I left I was feeling beaten and angry but you have to push yourself beyond that, there is not upside to allowing yourself to be consumed by the negatively it is a waste of energy.  Link me to some of the threads you started that did not get replies, I would like to see them and possibly reply to you.

The reason you won't get a lot of people wanting to talk about all the negative things their BPD did to them is because it is depressing and as I mentioned above, it does not really help you feel better.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Mine was very kind, caring, and compassionate (to me at least). Even now after something that happened last friday after a month NC she still has not been cruel, nor have I.

I know these people have caused us all pain in different ways. Some of you have been tortured, threatened, raged at, and worse. And yes, I have another BPD ex that was like that. Yet she had many redeeming qualities. These people didn't ask for this disorder, and sometimes the pain they inflict they also inflict on themselves. I believe me an my last ex broke each other's hearts, and that was it. Her disorder caused her to move on immediately, where I need time to heal. She is a great mother to her children and is a person that I believe has a lot of fear and pain she hides inside. They do have redeeming qualities just like any other human being. But I understand how their behavior at times can give you blinders to that fact.

[Not2Crazy]

She is soo sweet when she is talking at me telling me things about myself that sound so wonderful and offering to help all of us in some way in the future because we deserve it but it looks like an old Godzilla movie all fake out of sound sync with short translations to English because I know it is just ... .  

you know it's all just lips flapping and conscience easing about taking spousal support and not working because she can't take orders from bosses.

[lhd981]

My BPD ex was an account and I own a small business. While I kept work and our relationship very separate, I did ask her a question once about taxation. She really seemed to have gone out of her way to adequately research it and answer it for me. Though she also began implying that my current accountant didn't know what they were talking about and that I should change firms. In general, I felt that she was very smart and an incredibly hard worker.

Despite a large income disparity between us, she would often pay (or at least offer to pay) for dinner and bought me some very thoughtful things. (I have an issue with people spending money on me, so it was really sweet and unexpected)

She was generally meticulous and thoughtful in her communication (when she wasn't angry/raging, then she turned into a child who can't stop swearing) and her interpretation of some obscure rock/jazz albums was better than some professional music journalists.

When she was "engaging" in the relationship, she was extremely affectionate, sexually open and not afraid to show her feelings.

Also, she was very quirky and silly, despite being serious when she needed to be. She had a lot of charisma.

Of course, I opted to take the good with the bad... .   guess which won out?

[changingme]

My ex was/is helpful and did/does have redeeming qualities.  Actually we have a child together, so as the years go on he continues to grow into more of a caring, thoughtful and loving person.  If I could separate the relationship with the friendship, I have to say he was a great friend to me.  Showed genuine interest in my life, helped me get through things. He was more supportive then a lot of the "friends" I have in my life now.  He could also be very selfish and he knows it and admits to it.  There are many layers to a person with BPD.  The bulk of the BPD always showed when we were sexually involved, talking about "us" too much (the past and if there was a possible future again), and sometimes when the friendship became to needy of each other.  That's when it would get ugly, when the pressure was on he could never commit, make a decision, be consistent, etc.  I guess you can see how cycles were easy for me to repeat and confusion was huge for me as well. 

[BlushAndBashful]

Mine was extremely helpful- and not at all helpless. He was intelligent, articulate, could hold down a great job, was great with money, and could fix darn near everything in his house.

He was very generous and helpful to a fault. He would give you the shirt off his back, help friends and neighbors with their yardwork, assist them with some legal issues, and would give of his time, talents, and money endlessly. He's also an extremely good parent (doesn't parent the way I do... .   but he still is better than most). Probably has too much of the White-Knight syndrome for his own good, and he ends up attracting some moochers.

He has a ton of redeeming qualities. If it wasn't for that pesky little personality disorder, he would be one of the most wonderful people I've ever met.

[Surrender]

Mine was very kind, caring, and compassionate (to me at least). Even now after something that happened last friday after a month NC she still has not been cruel, nor have I.

I know these people have caused us all pain in different ways. Some of you have been tortured, threatened, raged at, and worse. And yes, I have another BPD ex that was like that. Yet she had many redeeming qualities. These people didn't ask for this disorder, and sometimes the pain they inflict they also inflict on themselves. I believe me an my last ex broke each other's hearts, and that was it. Her disorder caused her to move on immediately, where I need time to heal. She is a great mother to her children and is a person that I believe has a lot of fear and pain she hides inside. They do have redeeming qualities just like any other human being. But I understand how their behavior at times can give you blinders to that fact.

I read what you wrote and it breaks my heart because I see at least in my ex that he was self-tortured and he knew it. He couldn't fight it because the disorder was the predominant force within him. I saw his agony... .   heard it... .   saw him in tears so often a complete victim of himself begging me to leave him. I stood always helpless... .   knowing that the bomb was about to detonate and I would become obliterated.

Tragic... .   because I saw all this, loved him with all my heart prayed with all my heart and knew I could DO Nothing. I could not help to protect him from himself or from hurting me. I watched it all... .   until the bomb went off.

[Not2Crazy]

I appreciate these comments and hope for some more because I am thinking that I'm missing something basic that I need to understand. I maybe am talking about how that with any job that I needed my pwBPD to do ... .  that is a responsibility , there is the potential of a failure and when that happens my pwBPD responds by blaming me and not learning or improving... .  I was married 20 years to her... .  I didn't know that it wasn't me till the doctor diagnosed in the end. I internalized a lot thought I just was not a good provider and friend.

Wish I had more time to respond but have to do my 3 jobs 16hr day to survive and pay her support now

[Hurt llama]

Mine was extremely helpful in almost all areas of my life. She was a tremendously powerful positive influence on me as I was with her.

She encouraged me on all levels to do healthier things for myself with diet, excersize, socializing, an almost endless list.

She even told me it was ok for me to have other partners (not relationships) as long as it was safe sex. (yes she said this). (She said that very early on before we were really committed to each other as well as lives 3K miles away. But still... . ) The fact she is insanely jealous made that an interesting comment. But she actually did mean it. I think it was her way to control what might happen as she has certain old fashioned European ways of looking at things, or that's how I justified what she said.

Red flag anyone?  

You know, it's occurred to me that as 'endlessly interesting' as she might have been, at the core it was a 3 note song.

The list of positives about her was/is almost endless. She's not a crazy slut as I sometimes feared she is. She has been with good solid partners but her behavior is typical BPD and the outcome of each and every relationship is positively 'pre-ordained'.

She had a long list of great qualities and really one negative... . And I thought I could work around that but doing so alone was and is just not possible.

I'm in day 3-4 of very LC with no reason really for any contact yet.

I think about her many times throughout the day and each text message I receive all day, I hope is from her and I dread it at the same time.

She doesn't possess the words I need to hear and it's a good thing she doesn't.

[BorderlineMagnet]

That's really the worst isn't it? Everything about them is amazing, but that one thing ruins it all. Me and my ex had the perfect relationship. Love, compassion, respect, no arguments. But her cheating destroyed that all. Now that I've had LC with her on Sunday, I can see how the disorder really affects her. She's pumping her new guy up to be the best choice in the world, but the funny thing is she said all the same things about me. I can see how she's almost needing to say it to convince herself of it, that she's lieing to herself. But at the same time she's nothing but apologetic and remorseful to me for her choice. I forced her to make a choice, and I believe she made it based on the amount of hurt she had done to me from her infidelity, and probably the thought that I was too far gone at that point. If she was truly so happy with her choice, then she would not have magically showed up at the bar I was at last friday after I checked in on FB there, asking my female friend who confronted her if we were dating. Someone happy with their own life would not care. Even throught this new development we could not be mean in emails. I refused to argue with her BPD lies, and tried to let her know that if her disorder was the cause of this, then it's ok. I understand. It was not done to hurt me. But like a lot of pwBPD she would not consider her disorder a factor. I took the power of NC with her after exchanging a few emails, saying that I don't want things to get worse between us, in case there's a chance at being friends someday. She is a fantastic mom to her kids, and I think she deserves love and stability in her life. I hope she allows someone to give it to her, and breaks this cycle of running off to lesser men.

[Hurt llama]

That's really the worst isn't it? Everything about them is amazing, but that one thing ruins it all. Me and my ex had the perfect relationship. Love, compassion, respect, no arguments. But her cheating destroyed that all. Now that I've had LC with her on Sunday, I can see how the disorder really affects her. She's pumping her new guy up to be the best choice in the world, but the funny thing is she said all the same things about me. I can see how she's almost needing to say it to convince herself of it, that she's lieing to herself. But at the same time she's nothing but apologetic and remorseful to me for her choice. I forced her to make a choice, and I believe she made it based on the amount of hurt she had done to me from her infidelity, and probably the thought that I was too far gone at that point. If she was truly so happy with her choice, then she would not have magically showed up at the bar I was at last friday after I checked in on FB there, asking my female friend who confronted her if we were dating. Someone happy with their own life would not care. Even throught this new development we could not be mean in emails. I refused to argue with her BPD lies, and tried to let her know that if her disorder was the cause of this, then it's ok. I understand. It was not done to hurt me. But like a lot of pwBPD she would not consider her disorder a factor. I took the power of NC with her after exchanging a few emails, saying that I don't want things to get worse between us, in case there's a chance at being friends someday. She is a fantastic mom to her kids, and I think she deserves love and stability in her life. I hope she allows someone to give it to her, and breaks this cycle of running off to lesser men.

I read about your encounter with her and her new 'bf' at that bar. You handled it well but you probably shouldn't have posted on FB you were going. I could not handle that sort of thing or maybe now I could but a few years ago, it would or could have escalated into really bad stuff and at the least a very loud and embarrassing encounter... . I'm not violent but I am not mellow either and would been cutting her (or him if he spoke a word) into pieces... . which would have been stupid and I would have regretted it.

I bolded out a few words in the quote as when we read things like that that way we just have to think how ridiculous certain words sound together... .  "Amazing, perfect, compassion, respect, cheating" It's like a test... .  which word doesn't fit?

They are not so amazing, not perfect not compassionate in matters of how we were hurt by them and if they are it is fleeting. The past to them and what the 'truth' of the past is only a reflection of their current state of mind and the motivation behind perhaps throwing us a bone of an 'apology' that is not worth the paper it is written on.

[Hurt llama]

My ex BPD fiancee/gf's biggest redeeming quality is in not apologizing or taking any sort of lasting responsibility for hurting me in the worst way ever. I am forever indebted to her for that. Wait, actually she owes me a fortune... .  

[BorderlineMagnet]

I'm really sorry you see them in such a black and white way. Yours may have been a bad person with BPD. But not all people with BPD are bad. Both of my ex's inflicted pain on me in some way. But the pain they have inflicted on themselves is just as great if not worse. Even my raging, wild, mean ex had her great moments, when we were just good friends who enjoyed each other's company. And no matter what you think, my last ex WAS and IS an amazing person. She is not a disorder. She SUFFERS from a disorder, that yes, causes others to feel pain too. If you want to see them as hollow shells of need out to destroy lives, that have have zero remorse for their acts, then maybe your healing will take a lot longer. Checking in on FB is something that I refuse to "walk on eggshells" with. I will do with my life what I want. Was their any crazy damage done that night? No. Was it hard for me? Yes. But did it validate what I was thinking? An emphatic YES! The LC I had with her in the next couple days really let me move forward. I saw her pain through her lies, and I know that's just how they cope. Being able to really, honestly forgive is a big step forward. But you know, you can also forgive and forget, and move forward too without holding a grudge. But like I said previously, if she was a bad person anyways, see her for that and not just because her disorder made her a bad person.

[Hurt llama]

I'm really sorry you see them in such a black and white way. Yours may have been a bad person with BPD. But not all people with BPD are bad. Both of my ex's inflicted pain on me in some way. But the pain they have inflicted on themselves is just as great if not worse. Even my raging, wild, mean ex had her great moments, when we were just good friends who enjoyed each other's company. And no matter what you think, my last ex WAS and IS an amazing person. She is not a disorder. She SUFFERS from a disorder, that yes, causes others to feel pain too. If you want to see them as hollow shells of need out to destroy lives, that have have zero remorse for their acts, then maybe your healing will take a lot longer. Checking in on FB is something that I refuse to "walk on eggshells" with. I will do with my life what I want. Was their any crazy damage done that night? No. Was it hard for me? Yes. But did it validate what I was thinking? An emphatic YES! The LC I had with her in the next couple days really let me move forward. I saw her pain through her lies, and I know that's just how they cope. Being able to really, honestly forgive is a big step forward. But you know, you can also forgive and forget, and move forward too without holding a grudge. But like I said previously, if she was a bad person anyways, see her for that and not just because her disorder made her a bad person.

Totally understand and no I don't really see my ex as one way or another and have mostly seen the good, great parts of her. SHe never raged at me. She is calm, cool and loves me unconditionally. I know it cause she's robotically said it 10,000x.

The fact my ex is not easily tagged as 'bad' has done nothing but made it harder to see what's going on... .  Although her disappearing for a weekend 5 years ago to be with someone else should have been all I need to move on. I could not, I did not and I cannot recover from that. Not with her as she is. And I'm not waiting for her to 'suddenly' get it anymore. it is not happening.

Right now, in trying to break away and see things clearly it's intentional that I am focusing on the pain, the hurt and the bad to make it easier for myself.

In truth and at the end of the day and having been through break ups even with Non BPD, I recognise the process for what it is and at the very end, there is only one way for me and that has always been an acceptance and yes, an honor what what I have had with each partner... . but along the way... .  it's pretty normal in the process (for me at least)... . I think it's been brutal to focus on all of her great qualities and at the same time be friends and be constantly told from her how she wants to be with me over over over and over and at the same time act in ways that always made me feel unsafe.

My ex is not 'bad' she is a victim of a horrible childhood I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but my natural compassion and empathy, if you will have only made me more vulnerable at times.

I know it will all settle down eventually. Of this I have no doubt.

[Hurt llama]

I'm really sorry you see them in such a black and white way. Yours may have been a bad person with BPD. But not all people with BPD are bad. Both of my ex's inflicted pain on me in some way. But the pain they have inflicted on themselves is just as great if not worse. Even my raging, wild, mean ex had her great moments, when we were just good friends who enjoyed each other's company. And no matter what you think, my last ex WAS and IS an amazing person. She is not a disorder. She SUFFERS from a disorder, that yes, causes others to feel pain too. If you want to see them as hollow shells of need out to destroy lives, that have have zero remorse for their acts, then maybe your healing will take a lot longer. Checking in on FB is something that I refuse to "walk on eggshells" with. I will do with my life what I want. Was their any crazy damage done that night? No. Was it hard for me? Yes. But did it validate what I was thinking? An emphatic YES! The LC I had with her in the next couple days really let me move forward. I saw her pain through her lies, and I know that's just how they cope. Being able to really, honestly forgive is a big step forward. But you know, you can also forgive and forget, and move forward too without holding a grudge. But like I said previously, if she was a bad person anyways, see her for that and not just because her disorder made her a bad person.

Yes, as I posted, I think you handled yourself well in that encounter and I know I would not have if I were younger or if it were earlier in the relationship. I barely could be certain I could handle it now very well. Kudos to you for being able to.

Thank God Facebook for us has been a non issue ever since she was using it to telegraph her on and off again status with the guy she had cheated with... . We've never lasted longer than a few days together on Facebook and I am glad we don't have mutual friends and have lives far apart!

[Clearmind]

any job that I needed my pwBPD to do ... .  that is a responsibility , there is the potential of a failure and when that happens my pwBPD responds by blaming me and not learning or improving... .  I was married 20 years to her... .  I didn't know that it wasn't me till the doctor diagnosed in the end. I internalized a lot thought I just was not a good provider and friend.

Not2Crazy, there are reasons why we didn't trust ourselves - begin to work through some of the reasons that attracted you to your partner. Often we also mirror our partners good parts rather than see them as a whole person - i.e. the good and the bad.

There is a reason you stuck at this relationship - there is a reason why you believed her insults and accusations. Its likely this stems past your ex and into other aspects of your life too. Its possible we don't value our own worth and needs.

Why is it that it took a diagnosis to realize you were in an abusive relationship?

Where in your childhood were you taught to believe that your needs didn't matter?

[Not2Crazy]

Clearmind I think it was bourne out of my "lonely child Syndrome" whic was my brother always in trouble and stealing attention and an elementary school that treated me like a "disease". I thought that the girls who performed the "scope mouthwash" commercials were what girls were like and was like and probably still like a teenaged boy when any girl ah ah woman gives me attention. Wow do I have a internal struggle when I try to laugh at "ABout Schmidt".

So I'm convinced that my exW wPBD was all in all not helpful even in these ways that others are saying in this post that theirs were helpfull. Rushing tio be nice to me when I get sick and being there for me... .  all the time telling the doctors and church members that God is punishing me for being an evil man.

Let me ask you does schema therapy help people like me be assertive and make real money because I am way a sucker for a little kindness. I hope I will continue to get some feedback from others about the core subject of my post. I'm not out to say that BPD's aren't victims but why can't I and why don't medical doctors and church leaders tell BPD's to "GET HELP" ? why don't they say "you Know Not2crazy... .  your ex might just have BPD" and what she told me I understand now is NOT TRUE.

[Not2Crazy]

Hurt llama said ... .  

"The fact my ex is not easily tagged as 'bad' has done nothing but made it harder to see what's going on... .  "

I don't know how this cut and paste from others works but that is a c&p from "Hurt llama"

and I wanted to say that finally someone ... .  "Hurt llama" has said that and other things that is more like what life ( my continued life )with my exwBPD was and is like.

I mean there IS this "gushing moment" of helpfulness of what makes sense and what educated people say and it looks like I am going to find a "normal" person there that can function in a relationship, be it now a divorced one or not it is still a relationship ... .  

but almost everytime I encounter her, ( go pick up my kids for a visitation 3 times a week )

it is STILL like I never existed ... .  and I mean existed to serve as a partner, lead the family if I can Stretch political correctness to those who may think that parenting and family management should have no "leader" to make this point

is to say that to function as a unit is a healthy relationship then one of the 2 can't just flop sides of the fence on every issue which is to say do whatever they feel like. A BPD IS NOT Grey, ( at least not mine) they don't "sit on the fence.

How she feels right then and what she feels like others say she should feel ( like her divorce lawyer, pastors that didn't ask me what was going on,  ) that forms her perspective on the issue at the time. Whatever the verse of the Bible, the Psychological insight or the reading of a fortune cookie is projected onto me to excuse her for her pondering of what value I am.

It is truly like we have no past but she must feel that she is making ME a better person with her criticisms... .  they really are just criticisms.

Her mother said some things to her everytime I visited with them (her family) that I understand made her have all this anxiety. Her mother always said these things that in essence were " you put your socks on the wrong feet , go to your room"... .  I'm talking in a parable about psychological abuse about never measuring up to something that does not make sense you know socks can go on either foot! Lets not even talk one black one nearly black but blue.

But the FACT that preachers, Medical doctors, marriage counselors, Large group marriage seminars say nothing like "it could be BPD" is astounding to me and sometimes this forum I say to myself "naw ... .  we all imagine this because we don't want to face ourselves" .

But the reality is that ( mine at least ) is manipulating her world to defend against any criticism  that prevent her from forming a relationship it's instead a one sided endless discussion, ( not to say that criticism is a healthy way to form a relationship I'm just saying there is not a homogenous gel to form a relationship because of the defense mechanism )

WHY DON'T PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE "IN THE KNOW" (helping us live better lives) help these BPD's and their partners , US ! WHAT are they good for IF THEY CAN'T SAY TO OUR PARTNERS WITH BPD WHAT WE CANNOT SAY TO THEM, if they can't persuade a person with BPD that THEY were abused and need help because of it and yet the BPD goes and unloads all this black thinking and projections of us on them?


Yes BPD's are victims looking to make victims, zombie like.

yes some of us ( and me ) once loved and maybe still do love and want that person to function to keep our children safe and able to function as well.

part of me says Clearmind is right to tell me to "work on myself" and "don't speak about them in generalization" as if they are all the same and impossible but every day my kids say the things that she says to them and they know they don't make ANY sense and if they even mattered why would they have ANY responsibility to those thoughts. They have been said by someone who isss  wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Crazy and I'm not2crazy about it.