Are my choices still being influenced by my feelings of self worth?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I stayed in a BPD relationship when she abused alcohol, OTC and Rx drugs, and wasn't faithful. I ended it when I got angry that she wouldn't take responsibility for her actions. In the aftermath, I looked at myself and realized why I didn't kick her to the curb immediately. I craved her attention and love because of FOO issues, namely my father who was always critical and denigrating, a person who never nurtured me with any positive emotions, never once hugged me, never once told me he loved me, but instead only ever demonstrated the opposite by criticizing, putting down, being nasty so I felt no good and worthless. So her love bombing was like injecting cocaine straight into my bloodstream.

I realize that my whole life has been a series of addictions and obsessions to fill the empty hole where self-worth and self-love should be. I needed the distractions from the feelings of worthlessness, emptiness, and loneliness. And I had to prove myself always by trying to master and be the best I could at anything I got interested in whether that was a job, hobby, sport, or even relationships with women. I was never good enough in my mind, I always had to give 110% to be the best employee, athlete, boyfriend... .

And the sad thing is that the distraction and feelings of accomplishment and worth only last so long. Then I feel like I'm not good enough still. Like the little boy being yelled at for missing a leaf that fell after he'd finished raking the lawn.

I'm in a recycle with my pwBPD right now, the first time for me, and we are trying to see if we can work it out. I realize she is unlikely to change, and there is a good probability one of us will get fed up and end it again. I know it's not a 100% healthy adult relationship. It was never my plan to try and get back together, even my T was shocked when I told him I saw her and then wanted to try and make the relationship work. I understand I can only take care of my part, and I cannot expect her to change.

Knowing all these things, now I wonder if I'm choosing to try again for a relationship that isn't 100% healthy because subconsciously I don't believe that I deserve better. Intellectually I know that I'm fundamentally a good and compassionate person who deserves better. Does choosing her mean I am still in the same old patterns? Am I telling myself that I'm not "good enough" to deserve more, and am I choosing her because it's a challenge for me to prove myself yet again?

I really want to believe in myself.

[Learning_curve74]

I stayed in a BPD relationship when she abused alcohol, OTC and Rx drugs, and wasn't faithful. I ended it when I got angry that she wouldn't take responsibility for her actions. In the aftermath, I looked at myself and realized why I didn't kick her to the curb immediately. I craved her attention and love because of FOO issues, namely my father who was always critical and denigrating, a person who never nurtured me with any positive emotions, never once hugged me, never once told me he loved me, but instead only ever demonstrated the opposite by criticizing, putting down, being nasty so I felt no good and worthless. So her love bombing was like injecting cocaine straight into my bloodstream.

I realize that my whole life has been a series of addictions and obsessions to fill the empty hole where self-worth and self-love should be. I needed the distractions from the feelings of worthlessness, emptiness, and loneliness. And I had to prove myself always by trying to master and be the best I could at anything I got interested in whether that was a job, hobby, sport, or even relationships with women. I was never good enough in my mind, I always had to give 110% to be the best employee, athlete, boyfriend... .

And the sad thing is that the distraction and feelings of accomplishment and worth only last so long. Then I feel like I'm not good enough still. Like the little boy being yelled at for missing a leaf that fell after he'd finished raking the lawn.

I'm in a recycle with my pwBPD right now, the first time for me, and we are trying to see if we can work it out. I realize she is unlikely to change, and there is a good probability one of us will get fed up and end it again. I know it's not a 100% healthy adult relationship. It was never my plan to try and get back together, even my T was shocked when I told him I saw her and then wanted to try and make the relationship work. I understand I can only take care of my part, and I cannot expect her to change.

Knowing all these things, now I wonder if I'm choosing to try again for a relationship that isn't 100% healthy because subconsciously I don't believe that I deserve better. Intellectually I know that I'm fundamentally a good and compassionate person who deserves better. Does choosing her mean I am still in the same old patterns? Am I telling myself that I'm not "good enough" to deserve more, and am I choosing her because it's a challenge for me to prove myself yet again?

I really want to believe in myself.

[catsprt]

The way I see it, it is about you expect life to be.

Is it about doing the best with what you have been given or is it about finding peace? Is it possible to do both, namely doing the best with what you have been give and find peace?

I know that I will not recycle my ex, no matter the changes or the promises. This book has been burnt. Now, the question for me is, can I ever find peace if I leave the children behind even if I know, they will do fine without me.

"Sometimes interference is the worst kind of action."

[Monarch Butterfly]

I think they are by both... . both your feelings and your self-worth. We can't really say why we decide things and nail down percentages to each one. I also think there is more into decision making than just 50% feelings and 50% self-worth.

I think you have made a conscious choice that goes far beyond those two categories. You know how you feel towards her and you know (in your mind) that this relationship will be a hard one. Knowing that she will not change and knowing that you will work harder to maintain this relationship is a very conscious thought out decision.

What rang a few red flags was that you already have decided how the relationship will end... . even before it starts. So why do it then? Why go down a road and put all that effort into it when you know for a fact that the final destination is not where you want it to be? 

If you really want to believe in yourself, choose a healthy relationship and prove yourself in that one  . Proving yourself in a relationship that is doomed to failure will prove nothing, only falsely reaffirm that you are not good enough. And that is not true.

[fromheeltoheal]

Believing we're 'not good enough' is part of the human condition, we all do it, although I bet there are areas of your life where you know you're good enough, your career, a hobby, a sport, where there is no question in your mind that you excel.  The key is taking that mindset into other areas.

Interpersonal relationships are where those beliefs get tested the most, and the key is finding someone who helps you feel good about yourself, maybe consciously, maybe just by being them when you're with them.  A borderline, with their need to control, will wear away at your self esteem and self confidence if you let her, and we all let them, that's why we're here; a relationship with a borderline is no place to feel good about yourself, and folks who fundamentally do in relationships would leave in a hurry.

Self esteem, esteem for self, literally respect and admiration for yourself, is something you do, not something you get.  By living in accordance with our values and living with integrity, we can live life from our core, take it out into the world, notice what we're getting from people, keep the good ones and lose the rest.  Try this: look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say "I love you" and mean it.  May sound silly or dumb, but really do it; weird at first, but if you commit it starts to ring true and be more comfortable.  All the love you need is within you now, and anyone else who isn't supportive of that isn't worth it.  Take care of you!

[seeking balance]

And the sad thing is that the distraction and feelings of accomplishment and worth only last so long. Then I feel like I'm not good enough still. Like the little boy being yelled at for missing a leaf that fell after he'd finished raking the lawn.

I missed that same leaf, and I can tell you - highly critical parents did a number on what had expected from people, what I settled for and even how I judged others.  

We really do get the love we think we deserve.  

Change is hard and this change is one that I don't think I could have made without really being alone.  (not saying you need to do this, sharing my path).  The last few years, I have become worthy by me.  I no longer need perfection in me or others.  But I do need people who are consistent, kind, honest and real - I have core friends that show this and if I can have friends who do this, than I certainly deserve a partner who can.

Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck is a book I first read in a college class and I pick it up from time to time.  I as I have grown (worthy to me), I see so much of it differently and ultimately you are right... . self worth is key to the choices we make.  

Feelings are powerful at times - but letting them rule our choices is lacking in discipline.  Feelings are not facts.  Peck discusses self-discipline as a big indicator to high self worth... . worthy people do the things they know is in their greater good.  But discipline is not perfection - understanding that balance is important.

Specifically, why did you start this relationship over - your motivations?

[maxen]

powerful post, l_c.

many of us here have these issues, it appears. i certainly do. my father was a good guy but distant, and my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive (she has paranoia). i've felt insecure my entire life. so when i met someone who was a keen as i was on being in a marriage, i was glad of it. there were   before the beginning, but she had a lot of great qualities so i convinced myself that it couldn't be that bad when we tied the knot. it ended as badly as possible. part of the pain i'm in is living every day now with the realization that everything i suspected could happen, happened, with her and also her family.

are you fearful l_c? do you think that you would not be able to connect with anyone else? is age an issue? (it is for me, i'm 50-something now.) do you have a network of social connections, through which you could meet a friend of a friend? you're right,

I cannot expect her to change.

so do you think that being in an invalidating relationship is better than nothing? if my stbxw had a change of heart, i'd talk to her. i really would. lying, drinking, infidelity all put in a drawer. but it's been 6.5 months since d-day and 3.5 months NC. maybe in a few weeks i won't feel that way.

[Cumulus]

Hi LC, how do we get to a place where we feel we have self worth? I think there is a difference in how we feel about our accomplishments and our intrinsic feelings of being worthy. For many of us our worth is tied to our accomplishments, winning the race = praise, coming second = disdain and contempt. It may have started with our parents but speaking for myself I continued on with that mind set during my adult years.

I also think it is different then ego and this is what tripped me up for so many years. I thought of myself as capable, witty, brighter then average, and always excelled at my job. I held myself in pretty high regard and so I felt I must have self worth. But it wasn't. I continue to struggle with what being worthy means to me and how to allow myself to feel worthy.

I believe  being in a relationship with the expectation that my needs get met is a prerequisite for self worth.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi learning curve, I wonder whether you are able to accept yourself, as you are, without the need to prove anything?  It seems to me like self-acceptance is the cornerstone upon which we build our sense of self.  Can you see yourself as someone with human frailties, just like everyone else?  Why the need to excel at everything?  You deserve love and acceptance from yourself, first and foremost, before you seek it from someone else, in my view.  :)oes this make sense?  I am wrestling with these same issues an the aftermath of my divorce from a pwBPD.  Lucky Jim

[happylogist]

Maybe the analogy with the leaf can be true for your choice to recycle.  Maybe it is just because you did everything (100%) and now there is a leaf (her), and you want to make sure that this time you do it even better than before, so you can tell to yourself that this time you tried 110% as you wrote.

[dontknow2]

learning_curve,

I agree with the posts here about what high self-worth really looks like. I kept recycling partly because something was still left undone and unconsciously knew it. Although I was treating myself very poorly along the way, I now know looking back (definitely did NOT know at the time!) I made this choice to continue waking up to myself. Unfortunately, I am one of those hands-on learners who can't just do it all in concept in therapy. For example, I had to wake up to how I felt rejected as a kid knowing my Dad had nothing to do with me to chase women/sex and money. Although I realized this in therapy intellectually, I wasn't able to truly experience the pain until relived with my ex.

For me, I didn't quit until I felt satisfied (and still battling with this). Is this healthy? No. I had low self-worth and wasn't healthy, that is just a fact. Yet, recycling is what I needed to do. Only I know when it is time to quit, no one else. I did almost kill myself doing it though  :'(.

Decide what is best for you. You may have to reach pretty deep and not have an exact answer. Trust yourself. 

[Tincanmike]

You sound a lot like me.  This is what I'm working on with my therapist right now.  My self-esteem and how it not only affected my one and only relationship with my ex, but how it developed in my growth into an adult and how it might affect my search for a new and meaningful relationship.

I just posted on the leaving board how I was finally feeling happy after months of severe depression.  And part of me is feeling guilty for being happy.  Your post is so akin to my life that upon reading it I realized that I can't be happy with being happy because of my feelings of self worth.

My therapist gave me this quick lesson in our last session. I'm sure it's pretty commonplace therapy but I thought I would share.  Situation + Beliefs = Feelings.  Example: Situation (I broke up with my wife) Belief (I can't be happy without her) Feelings (Sad, abandoned, depressed).  Now the same equation with a change of belief.  Situation ( I broke up with my wife) Belief (This was due in large part to her problems and I will survive) Feelings (Determined).  Sad and depressed turned to determination through a change in my belief system.

Applying this to my feeling of self worth has already helped me build my self image.  It's hard to say I deserve to be happy.  But why shouldn't I? Did I deserve to feel crappy?

[laelle]

learning_curve 74,

For me, it was learning all the tools and then going back to see if I could make a difference in the relationship practicing all that I had learned.  It was a rational, educated decision on my part.

It was choice made with full knowledge rather than going back into it blindly on false hope and naivety.

I could not make a difference, and I was able to grieve a little easier knowing that I did everything in my power to make it work.

If you are like me, you are not doing it because you feel low about yourself, but it is because you feel it will help you find answers to questions that may haunt you if you dont.

Either it will work and you can maintain this relationship with this person that you care about or you will feel better about letting it go.

I can say I wasted an extra six month doing this step, it still ended the same, but as I said I could breathe a bit easier when it ended.

You are in it now, whether intended or not.  Use that time to find your answers and apply your new communication skills.  You will know when enough is enough.  You are not the same person

that you once were.  My ex saw that in me, and bailed ship when I started questioning when things didnt add up.

*

 Laelle