Crises

[galaxy]

Our 40+ year old son has BPD. He was hospitalized when he was 16 because of serious behavior problems.  Since then we have kept a good - but fragile relationship until last summer.  He lives abroad and came for a visit with his wife and little girl.  His wife's family is in the same town.  The visit was very painful for everyone because he was visibly angry and upset.  I tried to talk with him about it but he refused. About a month later he sent an email saying he would send pictures of his little girl occasionally but that was the last we would ever hear from him.  We have no idea what the problem is! I have kept up correspondence with them by sending family news but we have heard nothing from him until a few weeks ago when he wrote to his sister asking her to let us know he was ready to talk to us.  I sent an email saying that I would listen when he was ready and that we loved him very much.  A return email sent pictures of our granddaughter.  He wrote, ":)on't ask about me, call or send messages and don't send gifts.  If you send any gifts of any kind they will go directly in the garbage."  This has impacted my health in serious ways this past year.  I am at a loss and don't know what to do anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello galaxy,

I'm so glad that you are here with us and so sorry to learn that your son has cut off contact with you and your grandchild.  Not knowing what the problem is can be very frustrating because you can't know how to solve it or make it any better. 

From time to time most of us parents have been told to "leave me alone" or "I don't want to talk to you" and it usually passes... .eventually.  Learning the most affective communication skills during the silent period can help prepare you for a better relationship with your son if/when he does come around and is willing to communicate again.

Missing the communication and relationship with your grandchild is painful too.  Many grandparents who are in the "no contact" situation write letters, buy small gifts and cards and hold them in a box so that when communication next occurs they know that they were though of, loved, and cherished even though there was no contact.

There are other grandparents here who can relate to the pain and confusion you are going through and they will want to support you.

lbjnltx

[galaxy]

lbjnltx,

Thank you so much for writing so quickly. It's taken a while to make up my mind to contact this site.  I'm so glad I did.  I know it will be beneficial to talk with people who deal with the same issues - and maybe I can help someone else sometime. 

I've been trying to decide whether or not to email my son to ask what caused this problem but my sense is that wouldn't do any good.  Perhaps someone will have some guidance for me.  I've been dealing with this long enough to know how difficult it is to deal with this problem in a positive way so I don't expect any foolproof solutions.

Thank you again.

galaxy

[Bpd mother]

Hello galaxy

I am sorry you are going through this with your son and I am sorry your health is suffering.

I am in a similar situation with my 36 year old daughter. We had difficult teenage years but an ok relationship afterwards. She recently went into crisis after a diagnosis of BPD and blames me for everything. I am not allowed to contact her or my grandchildren .

It is so difficult yes they are adults but they are still our children and we love them and want to help them. Like you I just do not know what to do ,if in fact there is anything we can do. Sorry I am not much help but just want to say you are not alone.

[galaxy]

Bpd mother,

Thank you for your post.  Our  stories seem to be very similar.  I've read a lot over the years about this disorder.  The last book stated "Mental illness brings on a lifetime of losses.  You live life with chronic sorrow and you have no way to save him/her.  It is very painful to have feelings of grief for someone who is still living.  Usually the mother bears the brunt of the blame." Oddly enough, those words held some comfort in that it made me realize that others were feeling the same pain for the same reasons as I am. Maybe validation is a better word than comfort because I felt that I may really have done something to cause this.  I will gladly admit to mistakes I made over the years but, from what I've been reading, there never was much I could do to help him.

Have you talked to your doctor about help for yourself?  I finally did and she has been wonderful. However, as you said, there is nothing we can do except love them and hope things will change sometime in the future.  In the  meantime, we need to take care of our own health.  We have two daughters who love us so that's what I try to focus on.

You said you were sorry that you aren't much help - but that's not true.  Your note and the one other one have helped a lot. Maybe the help we get from this group will start the healing then we can pass it on to others.

Knowing we are not alone is a big step in that direction.  Take care.

Galaxy

[lbjnltx]

galaxy, it is defined as disenfranchised grief... .grieving not recognized as such because the loss is ongoing regarding a living person.  Naming what we are going through is helpful, cognitively moving through the stages of grieving can be comforting just because we can identify it as "normal" when so much in our lives is not.

Here is a feature thread that you can participate in:

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

lbj

[galaxy]

lbj,

Thank you for the information on grieving.  I recognized I was grieving months ago at which time I went to my Internist to ask for some help.  I wasn't functioning very well at the time.  She did give me some medication that has helped some.  At least the crying subsided.  I have never been in denial and have only been angry a couple of times when I was so tired of the constant crises for so many years.  I feel very sad most of the time but find the sadness goes into the background when I'm involved in the volunteer work I do.  The relationship between my son and I has been very tentative for many years. I didn't hear from him - sometimes for many months at a time.  I  kept communication up by sending emails to his wife to keep them up with family news.  I haven't fussed at him or asked him to write or call more often for nearly 10 years.  I didn't want to cut the very thin cord that connected us. 

At this time, I don't see any way out of being sad. I know there is no real end to his actions.  He refused to stay in treatment when he was a teenager and he thinks the diagnosis is wrong.  I guess acceptance came a long time ago but the sadness has never gone away.  The best I seem to be able to do right now is realize that it's up to me to take care of my health and hold on to the hope that he will come back to us someday.

I think this site and the kind people on it will go a long way to help me.

Thank you for your reply.

Galaxy

[Bpd mother]

Hi galaxy

Thank you for replying so kindly when you are in the middle of your own pain.

The phrase chronic sadness really rings true for me. The deep sadness is always there no matter what I am doing

I am considering going to the doctors for maybe medication. I am based in the UK so any therapy would have to be private and we do not have insurance. We are retired and could afford a few sessions but not on going therapy .

Continue to look after your own health and take comfort from your daughters love.

[galaxy]

BPD mother,

When this latest crisis happened, I thought maybe I could get through it myself.  We had  been through so many difficult times and I weathered them.  However, being completely cut off was more than I could handle so I went to my doctor.  She is a very caring doctor and listened to me patiently.  We agreed to try anti-depression medication first to see if it helped.  It has helped the intense feelings - most of the time.  I don't cry so easily anymore.  It still takes a lot of energy to do necessary things but I've learned that I feel better if I keep up with my volunteer work and try to keep a schedule every day.  I'm really not inclined to go to a therapist.  That's why I'm on this site.  All of these people have been through the same thing -- so who better to talk to.

Different things work for different people so medication is not the answer for everyone.  I hope you find what works for you.

Galaxy

[galaxy]

We haven't heard anything from our son -- as he said would happen. It's been a year now.  I'm sure many on this site have dealt with this problem so, I'm asking what your experience has been.  Should I tell him that this behavior is hurting his whole family and not telling us what caused this break is cruel?  Trying to be understanding and offering to listen hasn't worked.

My girls want me to stop corresponding with him at all.  They said it just opens the door for him to hurt me again.  I've asked them to try to understand that he is suffering too and that he thinks and
reacts differently than they do because of BPD.  Knowing that is what keeps me trying.

Both of them also said they are done with him and they have stopped communication. I understand but seeing my family torn apart is extremely painful.   

Galaxy

[Bpd mother]

Hi galaxy

I don't think I would tell your son that he is hurting the whole family and being cruel because although this is true he would take it as being critical and would give him something else to use against you.

My daughter thinks ( or used to think) that I was being critical with what I thought was the most harmless comments. We are still having no contact so I understand your pain.

I am not sure I am allowed to post links to websites but I recieve emails from  someone called Joshua Coleman , he is a psychologist who specialises in parental separation . I have not signed up to his webcasts therefore I have not paid any money and the point of the emails of course is to get you to spend money. He does give advice on the right and wrong way to write letters which may be helpful.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[galaxy]

BPD mom,
Thanks so much for your reply.  I do agree with you - I guess I get a little desperate sometimes.  All in all, I'm handling things a little better most of the time.  My husband seems to be moving out of the 'anger stage' and into 'sad'. Our daughters, however, are still fighting mad at him and tell us they are done with him.  I have been encouraging them to read about this disorder so they understand just how many parents are going through the same things we are.

I hope you are doing well.  Thanks for the information about the web site.  I'll have a look at it.

Galaxy

[dorianc]

I have not posted in awhile.  I have a 26 yo son with BPD.  My very  presence often triggers extreme emotional outbursts with threats, anger, etc.  He ruminates on the past as he sees it, and blames me for having put him in a residential facility for awhile, which we did just to save my husband, who was experiencing severe emotional trauma.  His dad and I needed distance to try to recover.  Our son has no job, a lot of difficulty with relationships, and minimal contact with his sister, cousins, etc. because of his volatility.  It's very hard to practice SET when you are being attacked, in my case even physically.  It's hard to set boundaries when the BPD child blows right through them.  I still attempt SET when around him, but discovered that my son manipulates my validation and empathy to mean (to him) that he is right about every horrible childhood event as he recalls it, and then shifts the blame right back on to me.  I love him, of course, because he is my son.  But he has about killed my spirit. 

If I were you, I would not contact my son.  He may return to you, or he may not.  You really have no ability to change anything unless he makes the first move.

I will pray for you.  Trust me--you are not alone.

[galaxy]

dorianc,
Thank you for your post. Others have said the same thing about being honest with my son about the hurt he is causing his family.  I have tried to talk with him - as adults - many times since he was a teenager.  He is now 43 and has returned to the very hurtful behavior we suffered when he was very young.  I too put him in a psychiatric unit at 16 because he was out of control and I was afraid he would hurt himself, me - or both of us. 

I'm lucky in the fact that he finished college and has a very good job.  He is married and has an 8 year old girl.  He seems to do well with them - for which I'm very grateful.  They don't know about his diagnosis and I would never tell them.  He has some stability in his life and I would do nothing to hurt that.  As far as his sisters and my husband and I go, there seems to be nothing to do but love him and wait.  Just dealing with the loss and knowing that we may never see him or talk with him again is so painful and has taken a toll on my health. 

I read what you are going through - and others who post on the site - and my heart goes out to you. Do take care of yourself and keep using this site to talk to people who are in the same pain.  It has certainly been a blessing to me. Again, thank you for your prayers and your kindness.

Galaxy