My intro

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, This is my first post. I have a partner of 8 plus years who I am sure has BPD.  We are a lesbian couple. I was a member of this site before, just reading the posts on and off for a few years. I then forgot my username, etc. so now have signed up again.  I am ready to jump in. It has been 8 years of ups and downs, very similar to everything I have read here. Two years ago her psychiatrist told her she does not have BPD. Symptoms were few so I believed it for awhile but now I am again convinced. I don't see how we can continue on as a couple without having this addressed and without her getting treatment for it (DBT ?).  She goes to therapy regularly, has a AA sponsor, Alanon Sponsor, psychiatrist, and more but no one is addressing this with her. I go to CODA and therapy as well.  I want to bring up the BPD with her again but concerned about her reaction. She has been away for a week, basically a mental health break from her work and our relationship, but she comes home tomorrow and I know nothing has changed. How could it really? She has an appt. with her psychiatrist next week. I hope to go along, and she may be willing to have me there. I think it may be a safe place to bring up the BPD again, but not sure of the timing.  She is really in the middle of exhibiting all the symptoms. She is grieving over losing our dog in December and her dad is ill - I believe these are the triggers.  Anyway, there is a good outpatient treatment facility in our town that she could utilize, if she is willing. I am reading The Lessons here and lots of other resources online.  To summarize, it is overwhelming.

[bluejeans]

Hi, This is my first post. I have a partner of 8 plus years who I am sure has BPD.  We are a lesbian couple. I was a member of this site before, just reading the posts on and off for a few years. I then forgot my username, etc. so now have signed up again.  I am ready to jump in. It has been 8 years of ups and downs, very similar to everything I have read here. Two years ago her psychiatrist told her she does not have BPD. Symptoms were few so I believed it for awhile but now I am again convinced. I don't see how we can continue on as a couple without having this addressed and without her getting treatment for it (DBT ?).  She goes to therapy regularly, has a AA sponsor, Alanon Sponsor, psychiatrist, and more but no one is addressing this with her. I go to CODA and therapy as well.  I want to bring up the BPD with her again but concerned about her reaction. She has been away for a week, basically a mental health break from her work and our relationship, but she comes home tomorrow and I know nothing has changed. How could it really? She has an appt. with her psychiatrist next week. I hope to go along, and she may be willing to have me there. I think it may be a safe place to bring up the BPD again, but not sure of the timing.  She is really in the middle of exhibiting all the symptoms. She is grieving over losing our dog in December and her dad is ill - I believe these are the triggers.  Anyway, there is a good outpatient treatment facility in our town that she could utilize, if she is willing. I am reading The Lessons here and lots of other resources online.  To summarize, it is overwhelming.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

Welcome, bluejeans. After reading your post, I agree; it sounds overwhelming.

One thing I want to throw out here... .my s/o has no problem bringing up the fact she has Major Depressive Disorder, but wow, she does NOT want to talk about Borderline. I have no idea why. Some sort of stigma? Collect symptoms of MDD, PTSD etc., and BPD really isn't too far off.

Glad you came back here. Hopefully you can go to the appt and find some way to bring this up. Keep us updated.

-ngu

[bluejeans]

Thanks, NGU. My partner has PTSD, depression, and anxiety as well. I think - wouldn't it be good to really know what's going on so it can be treated properly? Maybe that sounds naive.   

I have been reading about validation a lot. I think I am pretty good at it but there are times I know I can do better. That is something I will work on.

[NGU]

It's not naive at all. It would be great, especially for you, since you can recognize the symptoms when they crop up and act accordingly.

I wish diagnosing and treating people with mental disorders was as precise as addition and subtraction. But there are too many subjective elements and drug reactions. I'll leave it there so I don't start whining about psychiatrists.

[bluejeans]

So, she came home about 4 pm yesterday and by 9 pm I was the worst person ever... .again. I guess the time away didn't help at all. I knew it wouldn't but really... .this is so tiring.

[123Phoebe]

So, she came home about 4 pm yesterday and by 9 pm I was the worst person ever... .again. I guess the time away didn't help at all. I knew it wouldn't but really... .this is so tiring.

Feeling like the worst person ever has gotta be unsettling, sorry about that.  She was gone for a week, that's a pretty long time.  Were you happy to see her?  What were those hours (4pm - 9pm) like between the two of you?  How did your conversations go?

[bluejeans]

We tried to keep it light because she went away to get away from stress. We got along ok until she asked me to tell my son to get his things out of the dryer right away. I had forgotten that she had a blanket in the washer since it had been done for a while. So I asked why but then realized why right away. She got so upset with me that I asked why. I tried to explain that I had forgotten about the blanket. Somehow it turned into a big deal since explaining myself makes it worse.  I am sure I could have validated her somewhere in the middle of this but it was hard to get a word in.  Later she texted me about how I shouldn't yell at her. I didn't yell.

I always find it interesting that if I make a small mistake it is a big deal and she is so offended. Also, I texted her back stating that I didn't yell. I know I shouldn't have responded. For the most part I ignore the angry texts and emails.