It's been two months and my heart still breaks...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't know how to cope. Everyday is so gloomy and depressing to me.
Help me. I feel like I am losing my mind.

[SerendipityChild]

I don't know how to cope. Everyday is so gloomy and depressing to me.
Help me. I feel like I am losing my mind.

[BasementDweller]

Hi there, SerendipityChild. Welcome. I'm about six weeks out myself and in the very same state. You will find many others here that are in varying stages of grief. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this.

How long were you and your partner together? Have you been in contact? Does he or she have a diagnosis?

[SerendipityChild]

Thanks for your message BasementDweller... .I am so happy I found this site. And I am sorry for your loss as well.
I do believe he was diagnosed but would not admit it to me. Maybe he was in denial... or afraid I was going to abandon him if he told me about it.

I have nobody to talk to about my misery because I have lost most of my friends and family because of him. It is a very painful feeling in my chest and gut. It is an incomparable pain- the kind that leaves you wanting to not wake up in the mornings. No motivation to do anything.

We have been together on and off for five years. We separated once for a month but I ended up taking him back. Then the devaluation and splitting happened again and he left me on June 1st.
On August 1st I left the rest of his stuff and mail at his job hoping to get a glimpse of him. I was so scared and excited at the same time. If I waited for half an hour I would have seen him. But I did not wait- maybe because I was afraid of being rejected again and the pain will just get worse.
The last few days are unbearable. He is in my mind 24/7. I have two children and I should save my energy taking care of them instead, but it is so hard to get him off my mind.

[AlteredReality]

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  It sucks, especially when children are involved.  I'm two weeks out on discard number 2.  Just writing it out helps a lot.  Reading what some other members have done to get through it has helped me as well.  You'll get through it.  I have faith.   

[SerendipityChild]

Thanks AlteredReality for your response. I agree, reading about how the others are coping is a great help. I hope you will get through it as well.

[Cromwell]

Hi and welcome SerendipityChild

We are all here to give support whatever stage your at, however you feel day to day we have all been through our own ups and downs - it can feel excruciating now.

can I ask you how has it felt over the last 2 months? I found from my experience id have some days better than others, it sounds good that you have some distraction I found that helped me a lot to get through the initial raw-emotions of what youve been through.

[SerendipityChild]

Hello Cromwell and thanks for your message.

The day he left we had a huge fight. All the harsh words he said almost killed me. What I felt was a little relief when he left. I kept telling myself I am so glad he is gone. That I could no longer stay in this toxic relationship. I am better off with a man who is more deserving of my love and attention. The first three weeks were okay and the last few were quite depressing. Too much that I feel like I could hardly do anything. Takes a lot to get up in the morning and do simple chores. I almost had a breakdown today at work.
I am just glad to have found this site and know I am not alone.

[Lostinthedesert]

I think those first two and three months are really hard and what you are experiencing is pretty typical... .hard as anything, but part of the process.  I am in that same time frame and just now starting to glimpse some moments of relief from the depression and heaviness.  What has helped me was reading as much as possible about BPD, realizing I could not change my partner's way of thinking or behaving, and that I was truly not responsible for her choices.  Then I had to take a very hard look at my part in the codependent relationship and my own past abandonment and childhood losses that also came roaring back to life!  I think that as long as I continued to focus on my ex, I wasn't totally looking at myself.  I decided that no matter how painful and excruciating some of the memories and sensations were, I was going to sit with them and not run away from them.  I made a choice to start feeling more compassionate for myself and that also helped.  Everyone has told me it gets better with time and NC, and I didn't really believe this at first!  But is seems to be true.  I don't want to live in constant pain over someone who couldn't really love me or function in an adult , mutual relationship.  I hope these thoughts help you a bit, as we just have to go through this very rough part, knowing that as we heal, the world will look different.

[SerendipityChild]

Hi LostInTheDesert and thanks for the response... .I wish all these feelings go away but I know it takes time and it is a process. For how much longer is the big question. I hate myself for feeling so depressed all the time. My children although they may not say it, I know it affects them. I want nothing in this world but to make them happy- but if I am not happy how could I make them happy?
You are right about focus... .not on our exes but to ourselves. All I have done lately is blame myself for everything. So many regrets. I thought I ruined it but I know it is the BPD. Nothing can ever make them happy. I feel so used and abused. Now all I want is to focus on me and my children. It is not too late.

[Cromwell]

Hello Cromwell and thanks for your message.

The day he left we had a huge fight. All the harsh words he said almost killed me. What I felt was a little relief when he left. I kept telling myself I am so glad he is gone. That I could no longer stay in this toxic relationship. I am better off with a man who is more deserving of my love and attention. The first three weeks were okay and the last few were quite depressing. Too much that I feel like I could hardly do anything. Takes a lot to get up in the morning and do simple chores. I almost had a breakdown today at work.
I am just glad to have found this site and know I am not alone.

Hi SerendipityChild

I understand the relief you must have felt, also ive been there, it can feel like the energy has just gone, it does come back.

however and whatever you feel you need to talk about youve got support here, it has helped me at a time I felt there wasnt anyone who could relate to the feelings I was going through - what a relief it was to hear from people who had been through such similar experiences, no longer something I had to carry for myself.

This feeling of being exhausted and fatigued - be good to yourself and if you can, as much time for yourself to relax. its great to have stuff to be distracted with as well, work, children, chores - keeping as much of a normal life going forward at the same time try to see if giving yourself some rest-breaks, time to truly lie down and rest as much as you can. It was a bit difficult for me with everything in my mind, but it helped a lot.  

[SerendipityChild]

Hi Cromwell... .
Today will be one of the good days to come because I feel like I have just found new friends. It sucks not being able to tell anyone knowing they will not or ever relate.
I will try to take it easy tonight and maybe just watch a movie on Fandango with my daughter.
Tomorrow will be another day and will keep everyone posted.

[SerendipityChild]

Hello Cromwell.
I’ve finally got to relax tonight and watched a movie at home with my daughter. Suffice to say this site has been a huge help. It feels good to know that somewhere out there know how I feel and can completely relate. Doesn’t make me feel I’m crazy or there’s something wrong with me. I hope all these, too, shall pass.

[Struggler123]

I read threads here from time to time, even think about posting one or two myself.  To be honest, I read the title of your thread and I understood how you felt. Some of the users here, give out words of wisdom that you can’t get anywhere else because to experience something is a gift itself. Its a blessing in disguise. You must think i’m crazy for saying this but, sometimes the things that hurt us the most set us free. Theres countless threads on no contact, but no contact itself is different for everyone. I can give you a timeline of my no contact and you would be like, why did you allow yourself to stay attached still. For instance, I would block, then unblock, then id recieve a call and then she would block, and then I realized, sometimes you just have to let go. Its been 2 months last I spoke to her was on my birthday, I felt terrible because I didn’t even say thank you. You see people use the word co dependent, and I feel like thats the wrong term, co dependency is not a pathological trait/disorder.  The correct phrase would be, trying to see the best in everyone. As i’m sure you, yourself did, despite knowing that your significant other had a personality disorder, you tried your best to make things work. You tried your best to go see him. You tried to not think about him. And its you who was doing all the work. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship, and only one person to make you feel so weak. I’m not gonna tell you things like you’re better off without your significant other which although is certainly true. But, I am gonna tell you that once you separate the disorder from the person, you will understand it was never about you. We all make mistakes, for someone that looks at the best in others, we judge ourselves too harshly assuming it was our fault. But, how can you save a burning bridge when the person starting a fire would stop lighting the matches. The first couple of weeks are the worst, I still have times when I think about her, and maybe I’ll even spot her social media and see the same pictures of the new guy almost as if it refreshes like a slideshow, Its as if its suppose to plastered on a billboard. The only difference is, I stopped using it as a stimulus to make me sad or angry, It became my stimulus to never break the no contact rule. I can easily, unblock her and start the cycle again, but a wise person on this forum once told me that you cant fix people, and you certainly can’t blame yourself for things out of your control. But, you can stick to what you believe in and never give up. I wish you the best.

[Cromwell]

Hello Cromwell.
I’ve finally got to relax tonight and watched a movie at home with my daughter. Suffice to say this site has been a huge help. It feels good to know that somewhere out there know how I feel and can completely relate. Doesn’t make me feel I’m crazy or there’s something wrong with me. I hope all these, too, shall pass.

Morning SerendipityChild

Once you get to a more relaxed space, a stable platform - these jumble of feelings that appear to be overwhelming start the process of getting detangled and made sense of. It feels crazy when so much hits us at once, then there are the normal demands of modern day life to deal with, at a time when you feel energy drained.

Try to see this time you are at as stabilising yourself, prioritise rest, lead a normal life, if you get upsetting feelings - dont fear or let them overwhelm you, before I learned to pace myself a bit, actually embrace a newfound 'peace' back into my life and realise I didnt have to try and get an answer to everything right away - it made everything feel less demanding, less energy depriving. Sharing my thoughts here diluted them, took away their negative effects, its shared amongst us as a support network. it helps to not only have others who can relate but who have been through similar but have got through it as you will as well.

Im very glad to hear you feel reassured SerendipityChild, you are absolutely not going through this alone if there are any feelings that crop up, remember you set the pace with them. Yep -they sure might seem overwhelming when they come, delaying them is different from ignoring them - to get deal with in place when you are better prepared and ready to deal with them without them overpowering you. When I was at work and they would arrive, id remember them and share them here later - then got back on with work - and it didnt feel anymore I was dealing with everything at once. In short, its our choice, not the other way around.
 

[SerendipityChild]

Hi Struggler123... .and thanks.
Codependency is a complicated word. It has a stigma attached to it and I feel pathetic when I use it to define my relationship with my ex. I did try to see the best in him. In fact it’s all I did and never saw what’s best in me. I have never tried to care so much about any man. I’ve always thought that if I keep showing him showing him that I’d do anything for him he won’t leave. But i was wrong. No matter what I did  for him then were futile when he splits. How could someone be so loving one minute yet hateful the next? I’ve given pretty much everything I possibly could.

[SerendipityChild]

Morning Cromwell... .
Agreed... .my feelings get jumbled. And so conflicted. Most days i think of all  the good memories and less of the bad ones. But I’m starting to focus more on the bad, that even if we get back together he will end up leaving again in a heartbeat. The hateful and spiteful words spewing out of his mouth. I could only take so much. And God how much it hurts.

[Cromwell]

The hateful and spiteful words spewing out of his mouth. I could only take so much. And God how much it hurts.

A part of the hurt was how I reacted to it.

Ok, context is important; they usually happened at the most inappropiate of places like driving 70mph on a motorway - can I really feel I did the wrong thing to seemingly ignore them, or risk a full blown rage erupting?

When you have to remember stuff like that, it hurts because it is repeating itself again, what hurt before is re-hurting again. As time has gone by for me ive forgotten these times, they have lost their emotional power.

In my case, the words were a retaliation for something that had triggered her at that moment, nothing more, a perceived sleight, a mistunderstood comment or joke - and it triggers the emotional intensity. I relate to "spewing out the mouth' - her eyes would narrow, her face would contort and the venom would spew - it is unbridled, unhinged... .10 seconds later of my not adding any fuel to the fire - that energy was discharged, the storm had passed - for her.

months onwards, I hadnt shrug it off for what it really was - i took it personally, tried to analyse it, to do so meant needing to replay it each time. It started as a dirt track the more I walked over it became a paved street.

I also dont care if I should have answered her back - would it have made any difference? Perhaps an overturned car.

The memory will be raw for you, but how strong it gets is correlated to how much value you give it today. It can either diminish or it can keep growing. A technique I used was to imagine her not as herself in that moment, but almost a cartoon character with a sqeaky voice using the same words. Is that distorting reality? Probably not as much as giving as much credit to take her umbrage as serious, heartfelt and as personal as I once did.

[BasementDweller]

Thanks for your message BasementDweller... .I am so happy I found this site. And I am sorry for your loss as well.
I do believe he was diagnosed but would not admit it to me. Maybe he was in denial... or afraid I was going to abandon him if he told me about it.

I have nobody to talk to about my misery because I have lost most of my friends and family because of him. It is a very painful feeling in my chest and gut. It is an incomparable pain- the kind that leaves you wanting to not wake up in the mornings. No motivation to do anything.

Hi, SC - I totally understand this feeling, and it's completely to be expected at this stage. It's easy to also feel isolated after such a traumatic event, because we tend to withdraw and avoid others when things are rough. (Or others might avoid us, due to our difficult situations.) The "good" news is that you will find many people here who have been though similar and can totally relate. My ex also hurled harsh words at me, and I learned eventually not to take it personally - because they aren't true. He's acting out because he's damaged, and wanting to make me feel as bad as he does. I feel for him, but I refuse to do that. You don't have to either.

It's good that you are focusing on spending time with your kids and doing fun things with them - that is a great distraction, and an important one! Are there any other fun things you have been doing to stay busy, occupied, and help get your mind off the stress?

[SerendipityChild]

A part of the hurt was how I reacted to it.

Ok, context is important; they usually happened at the most inappropiate of places like driving 70mph on a motorway - can I really feel I did the wrong thing to seemingly ignore them, or risk a full blown rage erupting?

When you have to remember stuff like that, it hurts because it is repeating itself again, what hurt before is re-hurting again. As time has gone by for me ive forgotten these times, they have lost their emotional power.

In my case, the words were a retaliation for something that had triggered her at that moment, nothing more, a perceived sleight, a mistunderstood comment or joke - and it triggers the emotional intensity. I relate to "spewing out the mouth' - her eyes would narrow, her face would contort and the venom would spew - it is unbridled, unhinged... .10 seconds later of my not adding any fuel to the fire - that energy was discharged, the storm had passed - for her.

months onwards, I hadnt shrug it off for what it really was - i took it personally, tried to analyse it, to do so meant needing to replay it each time. It started as a dirt track the more I walked over it became a paved street.

I also dont care if I should have answered her back - would it have made any difference? Perhaps an overturned car.

The memory will be raw for you, but how strong it gets is correlated to how much value you give it today. It can either diminish or it can keep growing. A technique I used was to imagine her not as herself in that moment, but almost a cartoon character with a sqeaky voice using the same words. Is that distorting reality? Probably not as much as giving as much credit to take her umbrage as serious, heartfelt and as personal as I once did.

Right? The splitting just comes out unexpectedly and out of nowhere. I couldn't even look at any man without him giving me ___ about it. He was jealous of everyone- cashier at a store, landlord, gardener, some of his friends. And what is worst is he accused me of sleeping with them. I just could not win.
I will try your technique and see how that goes. It actually sounds funny just thinking of it.

[SerendipityChild]

Hi, SC - I totally understand this feeling, and it's completely to be expected at this stage. It's easy to also feel isolated after such a traumatic event, because we tend to withdraw and avoid others when things are rough. (Or others might avoid us, due to our difficult situations.) The "good" news is that you will find many people here who have been though similar and can totally relate. My ex also hurled harsh words at me, and I learned eventually not to take it personally - because they aren't true. He's acting out because he's damaged, and wanting to make me feel as bad as he does. I feel for him, but I refuse to do that. You don't have to either.

It's good that you are focusing on spending time with your kids and doing fun things with them - that is a great distraction, and an important one! Are there any other fun things you have been doing to stay busy, occupied, and help get your mind off the stress?

I was just telling someone in this site about how much financially relieved I am now that he is gone. He has a drug habit which I enabled for years- because I hated seeing him miserable. I thought that was good enough to keep him. He is a veteran in disability so at age 34 therefore he does not need a full time job to get by. Right now I have no idea how or where he lives. It sounds horrible, but I am wishing he's just as miserable or more miserable than I am. He left me with nothing, with so many shattered pieces to pick up. My only motivation to dust myself up and keep standing are my children. Without them I don't know where I could have ended up. Maybe the psych ward. It was that bad.

[Cromwell]

I was just telling someone in this site about how much financially relieved I am now that he is gone. He has a drug habit which I enabled for years- because I hated seeing him miserable. I thought that was good enough to keep him. He is a veteran in disability so at age 34 therefore he does not need a full time job to get by. Right now I have no idea how or where he lives. It sounds horrible, but I am wishing he's just as miserable or more miserable than I am. He left me with nothing, with so many shattered pieces to pick up. My only motivation to dust myself up and keep standing are my children. Without them I don't know where I could have ended up. Maybe the psych ward. It was that bad.

Hi SerendipityChild

I can relate, for all the strong feelings I had that kept the relationship going - it was only once that step was taken to finally leave that I began to notice things like my sleep suddenly getting better, my anxiety fading away. It was so good to get that energy back which I used to find new things in life, suddenly I felt revived and a feeling of having been kept down for such a long time - without even realising it was happening. I started to get quite angry about it even, I can relate to the injustice feelings you talk about - it doesnt seem fair, when you have tried to be good to someone only to be left in such an upsetting place for it.

I also realised how much it was effecting my step-son, how much he relied on me but the attention had been focused on her needs that were so demanding and energy consuming. I actually felt eventually that I was expending so much of myself and getting next to nothing in return for it. Even simple displays of gratitude became rare to the point of being surprised if they came at all. I couldnt feel I was able to be angry at the time - a lot to do with not being able to express it - these feelings came afterwards, as well as many others - if you find it happening as well just remember that they are part of the road that leads to getting over what has happened.

Im glad you got yourself to a better place now, already realising the benefits. Once your energy comes back it helps make everything else all that more better to deal with.

[SerendipityChild]

Morning SerendipityChild

Once you get to a more relaxed space, a stable platform - these jumble of feelings that appear to be overwhelming start the process of getting detangled and made sense of. It feels crazy when so much hits us at once, then there are the normal demands of modern day life to deal with, at a time when you feel energy drained.

Try to see this time you are at as stabilising yourself, prioritise rest, lead a normal life, if you get upsetting feelings - dont fear or let them overwhelm you, before I learned to pace myself a bit, actually embrace a newfound 'peace' back into my life and realise I didnt have to try and get an answer to everything right away - it made everything feel less demanding, less energy depriving. Sharing my thoughts here diluted them, took away their negative effects, its shared amongst us as a support network. it helps to not only have others who can relate but who have been through similar but have got through it as you will as well.

Im very glad to hear you feel reassured SerendipityChild, you are absolutely not going through this alone if there are any feelings that crop up, remember you set the pace with them. Yep -they sure might seem overwhelming when they come, delaying them is different from ignoring them - to get deal with in place when you are better prepared and ready to deal with them without them overpowering you. When I was at work and they would arrive, id remember them and share them here later - then got back on with work - and it didnt feel anymore I was dealing with everything at once. In short, its our choice, not the other way around.
 

For the first time since June 1st I don't feel so alone. And I would like to thank you and all the others here who suffer just as much and have shared their current situations.
I feel a little lighter. And guess what? I actually laughed out loud today. Woke up this morning an hour early. The last two months I didn't feel like getting up or doing anything at all. I literally had to drag myself out of bed, to the shower, get dressed, look decent and drive to work.
Am I getting my power back?

[SerendipityChild]

Hi SerendipityChild

I can relate, for all the strong feelings I had that kept the relationship going - it was only once that step was taken to finally leave that I began to notice things like my sleep suddenly getting better, my anxiety fading away. It was so good to get that energy back which I used to find new things in life, suddenly I felt revived and a feeling of having been kept down for such a long time - without even realising it was happening. I started to get quite angry about it even, I can relate to the injustice feelings you talk about - it doesnt seem fair, when you have tried to be good to someone only to be left in such an upsetting place for it.

I also realised how much it was effecting my step-son, how much he relied on me but the attention had been focused on her needs that were so demanding and energy consuming. I actually felt eventually that I was expending so much of myself and getting next to nothing in return for it. Even simple displays of gratitude became rare to the point of being surprised if they came at all. I couldnt feel I was able to be angry at the time - a lot to do with not being able to express it - these feelings came afterwards, as well as many others - if you find it happening as well just remember that they are part of the road that leads to getting over what has happened.

Im glad you got yourself to a better place now, already realising the benefits. Once your energy comes back it helps make everything else all that more better to deal with.

I was the same with my kids... .sometimes I get angry about little things. Chores, not cleaning up after themselves, dirty sink... stuff I don't normally fret about. Then I start to feel guilty because I feel like I was taking my anger and frustration out on them. It was not fair at all. They don't know how to make me feel better. They become silent and try to leave me alone and give me space to grieve.
I am taking it one day at a time... .hoping it gets easier.

[Cromwell]

Hi SerendepityChild

What you say about taking one day at a time I fully agree with you, definately helped me at the start to make everything more manageable.

how have you been feeling today?

[SerendipityChild]

Hi SerendepityChild

What you say about taking one day at a time I fully agree with you, definately helped me at the start to make everything more manageable.

how have you been feeling today?

I feel okay, I suppose. For some reason he's been on my mind and I am starting to obsess. I guess these thoughts come and go, at very unpredictable moments. I am in the office trying to keep myself busy. Why do I get so obsessive? I am hating myself for it. If I could only have that switch in my brain where I can turn my thoughts off, maybe delete his image. It sucks.

[Cromwell]

I feel okay, I suppose. For some reason he's been on my mind and I am starting to obsess. I guess these thoughts come and go, at very unpredictable moments. I am in the office trying to keep myself busy. Why do I get so obsessive? I am hating myself for it. If I could only have that switch in my brain where I can turn my thoughts off, maybe delete his image. It sucks.

No switch in the brain, but there are things that helped.

eventually they became less and less, then finally they were gone. Either gone, or I got fully in control of them, I get them from time to time but they have literally zero power to them, they are just ever more faded memories - encountered, dealt with - neutralised. Over time as I got on with a new life and kept her out of it - the brain learned that there is no purpose in replaying them, I think the biggest difference from the whole time I spent on this board was the day I made the genuine, non-going back, decisive step that she was out my life for good - consigned to history - and as a result, all these memories became useless. They are reminders of hurt, so as to protect us not to get hurt again - but shes out my life, they arent warnings anymore they are just history archives.

At the time, I can relate, it felt obsessive thinking - but they werent random obsessional thoughts, they were certain very emotional memories, the ones that stood out. They caused me to cycle between reliving great upset to reliving "love" all over again. They got me very angry.sad at one extreme, they got me very enchanted and missing her - doubting myself what id done, and opening the door at those days that I would have gone back to her far easier.

Can you relate - are the thoughts about him seemingly 'random' memories or do they have a big emotional response attached to them? Based on what youve been through theres processing going on, how much is based on how long you were together and what sort of things youve experienced and either not made sense of - yet - or are unresolved emotions that havent yet been fully embraced and expressed fully.

It feels horrible to want them to go away and they dont, it never worked for me, someone once said "what you resist, persists" - its what I said earlier about trying to delay them, distract as much as possible - I wouldnt have been able to work and process that stuff, I had to sideline them until I was in a more appropiate place. I started to share here when they became too much.

Have you tried the technique? Turn the memory into greyscale, drain all the colour out of it as soon as it upsets you, take control, it doesnt have to be that full HD, cinematic that it was, its up to you - it is just a thought - you can alter it to whatever you choose.

[SerendipityChild]

Can you relate - are the thoughts about him seemingly 'random' memories or do they have a big emotional response attached to them?
Have you tried the technique? Turn the memory into greyscale, drain all the colour out of it as soon as it upsets you, take control, it doesnt have to be that full HD, cinematic that it was, its up to you - it is just a thought - you can alter it to whatever you choose.

The thoughts are random and come out of nowhere. Maybe because we were together for five yeas and lots of memories were made- most were very exciting and fun. Isn't that why we fell in love with them in the first place?
I will try your technique and see how it goes. Thank you so much.

[Wakemeup]

Hi SerendipityChild,

I am coming up on 3 months NC with my BPDex and having very similar feelings. During the first few months after the breakup, I was having extreme anxiety and nightmares every night but both have calmed down considerably. I find I am still having a very difficult time with the betrayal/ assault aspect of my break-up and still wonder how she could have done the things she did to me. Flashbacks and ruminating are still a regular occurrence in my daily life, though both seem to be improving little by little.

I have been doing a lot of reading regarding BPD and how it manifests, so I do realize there is really nothing I could have done to change the outcome of our relationship. However, the pain associated with being devalued and discarded by someone I trusted, is proving a very difficult thing for me to work through. Thank god for family, good friends and therapy!

While I'm not big on posting comments, I just wanted to let you know that that you are not alone. There are a lot of us who are going through the same process of healing after separating from a BPD partner. I know there are better days to come for all of us.

[SerendipityChild]

Hi SerendipityChild,

I am coming up on 3 months NC with my BPDex and having very similar feelings. During the first few months after the breakup, I was having extreme anxiety and nightmares every night but both have calmed down considerably. I find I am still having a very difficult time with the betrayal/ assault aspect of my break-up and still wonder how she could have done the things she did to me. Flashbacks and ruminating are still a regular occurrence in my daily life, though both seem to be improving little by little.

I have been doing a lot of reading regarding BPD and how it manifests, so I do realize there is really nothing I could have done to change the outcome of our relationship. However, the pain associated with being devalued and discarded by someone I trusted, is proving a very difficult thing for me to work through. Thank god for family, good friends and therapy!

While I'm not big on posting comments, I just wanted to let you know that that you are not alone. There are a lot of us who are going through the same process of healing after separating from a BPD partner. I know there are better days to come for all of us.

Thank you for your message Wakemeup... .seems we are all on the same boat here. I couldn’t feel any grateful for finding this site. I have nobody to tell my feelings to. I have been internalizing it all and it’s not good for me mentally. At times I don’t feel like moving at all. If not for my children I’d probably just ran away to oblivion. But each day is getting better. Today I was able to enjoy dinner with my two children.
One day at a time, right?

[Wakemeup]

Good morning, SC. Are you currently in therapy? While forums like this are an invaluable resource, talking to someone in realtime who can validate and provide feedback on my situation has been a saving grace for me.

I know how very difficult it is at this time to have any motivation for things outside your comfort zone but when I was physically/mentally able, I forced myself to get out into nature or visit with loved ones. Truthfully, at first, all I wanted to do was run home crying and hide under my blankets but eventually my efforts paid off. While there were way too many weeks I couldn't even get in the car and drive 2 minutes to pick up necessities, now I could go just about anywhere. Often while I'm out these days, I find I am even capable of enjoying myself.

I think as long as we continue to focus on moving forward, through the pain and towards healing, we will find new hope with each passing day. There is a good life waiting for us at the end of all this.