Hi Thank You for Having Me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I'm really grateful for this site. I've been lurking a bit & it feels incredible to come across others who understand what I'm going thru. I have a mom with BPD & Munchausen's By-Proxy & dad has NPD. I'm adopted so this has been a major issue for me my whole life.

 My ex husband (were still friends but sometimes it's difficult) has BPD among several other things. He didn't show any signs in the 10 years we were friends prior and it's been a major struggle watching him spiral out of control.

I have children of my own now so it's more important to me now than ever to get to a healthier place and keep my kids safe, to keep them from experiencing what i had. There's just one thing...we're pretty sure their dad (who I'm in an ending relationship with) has it... I've never had a "pattern" of dating with people with this issue so to be honest I'm rather embarrassed. This site has helped me to realize what signs i missed but now I want to focus on moving forward and cleaning up the mess.

As you can imagine things are complicated and I'm more stressed than I've ever been. I'm looking to regain the simplicity in my life and keep my children safe, health and happy.

I have a bit of a education in Psychology (believe it or not!) & so it's kind of rattled me. I guess it shows we're all human?

On Easter my mom pulled her passive agressive silent treatment again (I'm not exactly sure what happened? I needed her to be a mom the week prior and she came over cycling). I told her i just needed support and that was it, she exploded, demonized me & next thing i know we aren't talking and i know better than to reach out. But NOW she involved my kids... The ground rules were no unhealthy drama and instead of seeing my kids for easter which was the plan, she played the victim n just dropped their stuff off on the porch today w a text that said "box on porch". I refuse to subject my kids to this. She refuses to get help & she's gotten significantly worse since I fell pregnant with my first. We didn't talk until he was older, its been 6 months and already the drama has begun and i regret reaching out, but i was demonied and cut off by that entire side of the family who shes convinced shes the victim to (the munchausens bp REALLY makes this worse). Anyway, I'm under more stress than I've ever been under and could really use a place that "gets" what I'm going thru.

Thanks.

[Brace4Tsunami]

Hi,

I'm really grateful for this site. I've been lurking a bit & it feels incredible to come across others who understand what I'm going thru. I have a mom with BPD & Munchausen's By-Proxy & dad has NPD. I'm adopted so this has been a major issue for me my whole life.

 My ex husband (were still friends but sometimes it's difficult) has BPD among several other things. He didn't show any signs in the 10 years we were friends prior and it's been a major struggle watching him spiral out of control.

I have children of my own now so it's more important to me now than ever to get to a healthier place and keep my kids safe, to keep them from experiencing what i had. There's just one thing...we're pretty sure their dad (who I'm in an ending relationship with) has it... I've never had a "pattern" of dating with people with this issue so to be honest I'm rather embarrassed. This site has helped me to realize what signs i missed but now I want to focus on moving forward and cleaning up the mess.

As you can imagine things are complicated and I'm more stressed than I've ever been. I'm looking to regain the simplicity in my life and keep my children safe, health and happy.

I have a bit of a education in Psychology (believe it or not!) & so it's kind of rattled me. I guess it shows we're all human?

On Easter my mom pulled her passive agressive silent treatment again (I'm not exactly sure what happened? I needed her to be a mom the week prior and she came over cycling). I told her i just needed support and that was it, she exploded, demonized me & next thing i know we aren't talking and i know better than to reach out. But NOW she involved my kids... The ground rules were no unhealthy drama and instead of seeing my kids for easter which was the plan, she played the victim n just dropped their stuff off on the porch today w a text that said "box on porch". I refuse to subject my kids to this. She refuses to get help & she's gotten significantly worse since I fell pregnant with my first. We didn't talk until he was older, its been 6 months and already the drama has begun and i regret reaching out, but i was demonied and cut off by that entire side of the family who shes convinced shes the victim to (the munchausens bp REALLY makes this worse). Anyway, I'm under more stress than I've ever been under and could really use a place that "gets" what I'm going thru.

Thanks.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome- that's a lot to unpack and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

First off, people with BPD are just regular people...and they have the capacity to love in absolutely incredible ways.  But the closer you get to them, the more their own insecurities dig in and unleashes the chaos.  I have several on my BPD ex wife's side plus our oldest daughter, so I've seen both sides of the coin much more than I would have liked.  It stinks but that doesn't make you any less smart for falling for a few of them- their good sides are really, really good (until they're not).

Also, up to 6% of the US population has traditional or quiet BPD traits- that's slightly less than 1 in 6 people.

For your mom, a healthy way to view what's happening is that it's her problem and you will not allow it to become your problem or your kids problem.  Making those types of boundaries stinks and it's not fair for anyone, but in my book the kids always come first and must be protected at all costs.  If that means cutting mom off completely...well, that stinks but it could be the safest path.  Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

For your current partner, do you have an exit plan in place?

Since you're dealing with a lot at once, tell us where we could help you work through this.  And remember, focus on what you can personally control....let the rest go for now.

[Brace4Tsunami]

Hey, thank you for the welcome.

Yeah, I realized that came across pretty heavy and didn't mean to introduce myself that way but didn't see an edit button 
I think I'm just so overwhelmed right now and simultaneously slightly relieved there's people who get what I'm going thru it just sorta all came out. Yikes. Normally I'm really private.

I agree, in my experience, the intensity of emotion with people with BPD is always there, including their positive traits. They love hard and they can change hard. It's difficult to navigate. Thank you for the encouraging words.

Thanks also for the reminder. Fortunately I've had an incredible amount of therapy and am able to accept that this is her issue (my ex's, etc) but i think going reduced contact after going NC reopened you of wound that NC helped me to begin to heal. It's surreal. My mother will not accept boundaries in any form. It often triggers her wrath, or a combination of telling me what a piece of crap I am endlessly  (even if i had something happen TO me or someone wronged me, I'm a "terrible" person according to her. Setting any boundaries brings that out as well as alot of gossip then immediately as to "what im doing to her". She often will storm out, giving me the silent treatment and then tell everyone "She's not talking to me" when it's the other way around and I keep a distance. It's always pretty extreme. She's incredible at turning a normal, low key interaction into World War 3 over extremely trivial things (something as small as asking for support really humbly, even saying I don't want a fight, I just need her to be there for me, that was bad), causing a scene and stomping out in an extremely volatile fit of rage. So, i think I'm gonna have to go NC again because I agree, the kids come first. It just sucks it has to be this way.

I'm working on an exit strategy which may include simply selling my current house (he wont leave and its not improving) I want to relocate anyway.

Hearing other people's stories for what helped them is really helpful. It helps just being heard and not ripped to pieces for putting my thoughts out there.

Thank you.

[Pook075]

Hey, thank you for the welcome.

Yeah, I realized that came across pretty heavy and didn't mean to introduce myself that way but didn't see an edit button 
I think I'm just so overwhelmed right now and simultaneously slightly relieved there's people who get what I'm going thru it just sorta all came out. Yikes. Normally I'm really private.

It's not a problem at all- many folks just come here to vent.  And you know what; it's healthy to vent...especially on an anonymous forum where we all share the same struggles.  So don't worry about it at all, the site has already worked as intended with you.  =)

...but i think going reduced contact after going NC reopened you of wound that NC helped me to begin to heal. It's surreal.

I'm freshly divorced after an 18 month separation to my BPD ex, and I had that exact same problem...a lot here do.  We feel like we have everything under control, which is easy when there's no contact at all.  But once you start talking again, wham.  A lot comes back all at once.

Time heals that, time and patience.

My mother will not accept boundaries in any form. It often triggers her wrath, or a combination of telling me what a piece of crap I am endlessly  (even if i had something happen TO me or someone wronged me, I'm a "terrible" person according to her.

Remember, boundaries are for you...not anyone else.  For instance, if my house is on fire, I quickly exit the house.  If my car is almost out of gas, I get gas.  If I'm hungry, I eat.

Now, those things I just listed aren't boundaries in the typical way you'd think of them, but your personal boundaries should be just as natural and automatic.  If mom degrades me, I hang up the phone or leave...without a word if necessary.  If boyfriend gets violent, I dial 9-1-1.  The only difference between my initial examples and these is that they're triggered by another person's actions.

I've explained to the BPDs in my life, "I love you and enjoy having a relationship.  I want to talk and be around you.  But if you decide to scream at me, then here's what I'll do for my own mental health in those situations (walk away, go very limited contact for awhile).  The key to realize is that you're doing that for you, it's always about you and your health.  You don't want these boundaries and it needs to be crystal clear that you're doing "x" because they did "y"...and "y" is not okay.

What they do after that is completely on them and it doesn't affect you (unless they sincerely make amends, which is LOL since that almost never happens).

Hearing other people's stories for what helped them is really helpful. It helps just being heard and not ripped to pieces for putting my thoughts out there.

Thank you.

No problem at all, I'm glad you found us.  I'm sure others will chime in soon enough as well.  We're all on this journey and it's definitely easier taking it together.

[Brace4Tsunami]

Thank you so much for the reminders, I didn't even realize that my language had changed like that and youre right, the boundaries are for me and I appreciate you catching where my head was with that, I didn't realize I had the emphasis on her, no wonder I've been so stressed. I'm in the FOG as they say and I haven't been here in awhile. I appreciate the solid advice so much.

I'm sorry you've gone thru that with your ex. Have you found different challenges with your ex than with your family members with BPD if you don't mind my asking? 

Yes, absolutely, it'll really feel like, okay, I have this this time, I'm solid in where I stand and out of absolutely nowhere, they create a situation you couldn't of prepared for. It never ceases to stun me. My ex probably tries the most out of all of them but as we know it's often short lived. We do REALLY well over the phone but in person it's definitely CC.

[Pook075]

I'm sorry you've gone thru that with your ex. Have you found different challenges with your ex than with your family members with BPD if you don't mind my asking? 

My ex is what they call quiet BPD, which means everything is generally hidden inside instead of the traditional explosive emotions.  That in itself was a big challenge because she continued to get more and more depressed over the years, say she didn't know what was wrong, then she left out of nowhere.  Within a week or so, I got the explosive stuff how I never this or that, I always do this/that, etc.

Oh, she left for another man too...so there was that.

Today its a challenge due to our young adult kids and now grandkid; my ex left when my youngest was 9 months pregnant (six days before she gave birth).  I have to play nice since she lives with that daughter, her husband, and my grandchild, so it's a very complicated relationship to say the least.  My kid gets mad at her mom, complains to me, and anything I say in passing gets back to the ex and somehow everything becomes my fault.

The best I've figured out is that time will sort all this out, my ex will move on, and the drama can finally die down.  I don't want anything to do with drama these days since like you, I'm still healing from it all.  I just want peace.

Now I'm the one venting, LOL.  See?!?  The forum works!