Did the drama discourage you from leaving?

[Cromwell]

Im starting to question why I didnt leave and why I recycled back in so quickly.

It becomes more obvious post-relationship and NC that I started to begin to feel, reflect on and forced revisiting of that traumatic shocks that punctuated the daily distractions that the drama brought.

There was these strong feelings of wanting to leave, but at the same time, I never got to ever reflect on anything that had happened as long as i was with her. In a way, the traumatic stuff got buried away as long as I stayed, each new day gave not only maybe the subconcious hope that one day the antics would stop, everything would fall into place, and id end up shrugging of the stuff that had happened as just something that needed to go through towards proving my commitment without limitations.

All the processing, all the pain, it didnt happen during the relationship, it began, and not immediately as I had fully detached and had the space to begin reflecting. I guess I didnt want to get to that stage and is why it was so difficult to leave. It feels evident now, it didnt then, and is part of the difficulty of looking at the relationship as being anything but a happy one that I get nostalgia for. The pain the shock, the trauma, it was all there, it had just been buried away rather than processed. I was never "angry" during the relationship, I was rarely "sad", the the moments I were I blamed other things besides her.

Each new day of a different form of drama, good or bad, as an alternative to facing the hurt of experiencing the moment. Did it discourage you from leaving? Did you experience more after the relationship then you did whilst it was in motion? Choosing to spend a day with her, how she could make me feel at ease by her demeanour of nothing has ever went wrong, was far more attractive than to face and confront the shock of what had not long prior just witnessed.

[Insom]

Good topic, Cromwell.

Clarification:  Are you saying you think you may have unconsciously stayed in the relationship to avoid dealing with trauma?  Or that the relationship was so chaotic it prevented you from dealing?  (Am I hitting it right with either of these?)

[Cromwell]

Good topic, Cromwell.

Clarification:  Are you saying you think you may have unconsciously stayed in the relationship to avoid dealing with trauma?  Or that the relationship was so chaotic it prevented you from dealing?  (Am I hitting it right with either of these?)

I have the feeling you are hitting it right with both of these Insom

It just feels strange that so much of the processing and acknowledgment of the hurt, shock and trauma has came to me post-relationship, as opposed to being allowed to surface naturally during it. I felt very much scared to leave the relationship due to the lack of knowing how she would react. This was not the only factor, i had become almost helplessly enmeshed, but I start to read some people talking about stockholm syndrome and toxic bonding, I find a hesitancy to ever embrace any of these things but there is some feeling of being unable to leave as a result of her having some form of invisible control rooted in her ability to have created cyclical traumas.

sure there were as about a handful of times over the course of 3 years that i tried to split up but the maximum was for 3 weeks. I was easily recycled and part of that became an embedded fear of what she might do. I noted that beyond how she treated me, I saw the lengths she went to torment and harass her former exs. I guess beyond all the good points in staying, I ultimately lacked the courage for a long time and instead buried everything wrong about the relationship, carrying it to the point where I am now, feel a safer place to confront it all.

[Insom]

I felt very much scared to leave the relationship due to the lack of knowing how she would react. This was not the only factor, i had become almost helplessly enmeshed, but I start to read some people talking about stockholm syndrome and toxic bonding, I find a hesitancy to ever embrace any of these things but there is some feeling of being unable to leave as a result of her having some form of invisible control rooted in her ability to have created cyclical traumas.

It sounds like you're trying to put your finger on a very-hard-to-articluate aspect of the relationship that rendered you spellbound.

It just feels strange that so much of the processing and acknowledgment of the hurt, shock and trauma has came to me post-relationship, as opposed to being allowed to surface naturally during it.

Yes, I can relate with with this.  And FWIW, what you're experiencing right now sounds very positive to me, like you're starting to find your emotional center after feeling lost in the fog.  Have you seen this article about Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)?  Not sure if any of it rings a bell for you but  thought I'd put it out there. (Here is an excerpt):

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us
In their 1997 book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, authors Susan Forward, Ph.D. and Donna Frazier state that "emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance."  According to Forward and Frazier, fear, obligation and guilt ("FOG" are the tools of emotional manipulators.

[Cromwell]

Thanks Insom, that was an interesting read.

There were some clear examples of emotional blackmail, it was in the self injurious threat type if I didnt do what she had "asked". At least, it started with a request and if it didnt work it would move to that.

From my perspective I think there was a mix of elements, your right I cant put my finger on it yet, I think there is likely to be more than one answer to it. At first sign of her supposed infidelity I went back because after that high level of emotional enmeshment, I cut contact with her for a week but felt so dreadful, she contacted me and I just accepted to go back. Later on when more serious (i thought with the cheating id seen the max of it) I started to worry, It became clearer in my mind of how she behaved in previous relationships and as I got to know her better that emotional bond got stronger, despite it all. There were dreams she had mused about, the r/s was excellent otherwise, but there were many times I wanted to, and did leave. Each time she would reach out to come back. Each time I went back, she was so nonchalant about it, was on her best behaviour like the start when I met her, and it made it easy to just put it to one side and think "ok, just another small issue", when it wasnt, and they just went unresolved and piled up, it was another boundary crossing that created the next more outrageous level to reach.

I look back and realise how much I had underestimated was all based on lies, lies not so much what ive ever came across in everyday life, but lies rooted in psychosis and pathological - making them the most difficult to discern. Then there were the more concious lies that were a result of her life previous having to lie to her parents and being around shady people who also just lie so easily and without shame that it just becomes natural. The relationship fell apart when I couldnt believe a single word she told me, regardless how trivial it was, gaslighting added in here and there too - but all done with Zen like ability. BPD might have a part to play in that she role modeled the personalities who are prone to lying, I noticed at times when she was with me more often, she could become in her own words more comfortable and we had so many open and deep talks which she told me she found it hard to trust anyone else to talk to. Further deeping that emotional attachment.

I became too much for her because of the gulf of difference between my personality and where she went elsewhere and triangulated with, or even just her equally disordered closest friends. Sometimes just a couple of days apart id realise such a transformation, but then she could switch back very fast to modeling herself on mine again.

im just glad its all over insom, no more living in lies, no more walking on eggshells, a bit of healing to square off and a life experience lesson gained. I never knew such a person could live with a condition like that and at the same time be unaware I was living with it. I was going to ask more if this post dealing with it all is maybe a manifestation of PTSD. Something tells me from my own experience of finishing relationships that this goes far beyond just a bit of "heart break", which i had put it down to at first.

[Insom]

I was going to ask more if this post dealing with it all is maybe a manifestation of PTSD. Something tells me from my own experience of finishing relationships that this goes far beyond just a bit of "heart break", which i had put it down to at first.

Indeed, BPD relationships can feel very intense - emotionally, psychologically . . .  way beyond heartbreak.  Have you noticed PTSD symptoms?  (I had a few though they eventually resolved on their own.)

[Cromwell]

Indeed, BPD relationships can feel very intense - emotionally, psychologically . . .  way beyond heartbreak.  Have you noticed PTSD symptoms?  (I had a few though they eventually resolved on their own.)

I had some occurrences from events already before I met her and they had went away, but they started to come back at the peak of her behaviour, I think anxiety probably retriggered them Insom.

Well its good to read in black and white that what im going through hasnt been for the average joe a walk in the park.

Its strange how it can affect to such a level and not even know why.

im feeling far better as the days go on by with the NC, if she ever tried to re-engage in the future, near or distant, id be expecting it and will be in a stronger frame of mind i know than I used to be to deal with it properly. I think to keep in relation to this thread is a lot of anxiety of the fear of leaving her is rooted in so much of her unpredictability and how I learned in time what she did with previous relationships. I think if all ive had is a mild bit of stalking than I have been comparatively lucky and for that im grateful - its hard to move forward even just anticipating what might not even happen but have to be prepared for it. Thanks for sharing your experience, I dont think it is PTSD just flashbacks in the mix with some added spice of good old anxiety for flavouring.