Two Major Things I've Said Wrong (Amongst everything else of course) Now Divorce

[north69]

Hi all,

Been fighting this for 7 months, pretty much all of 2017, only just now realising that my wife exhibits practically every symptom of BPD. Life has finally started making a lot more sense and the last week I have been consumed by this site, other websites audiobooks - trying to inform myself fully.

The last I heard from my wife was Wed 12th July when we had an argument about nothing and she left our holiday with our 9 month son, saying it was time for divorce and she could take it no longer.

I played my part in a petty argument, sometimes we have a distancer-persuer dynamic where I try to use logic to say 'look love what are you doing? We don't want to argue again over nothing'. This just sends her over the edge and I'm now beginning to realise why.

Amongst the litany of actual mistakes I've made over the course of the relationship & of course the garbage accusations that she tries to label me with, I said two things during the holiday, one in the course of an argument and I think both have had a profound impact on her:


1. Your friends laugh at you   (awful to say I know - but it's nothing in relation to what she says to me - still I shouldn't have said it, it was in the heat of the moment)

- I think I've triggered something here in relation to her identity / self / fitting in etc. I know it's affected her because she brought it up quite a bit afterwards. In fairness it's a cruel thing to say to a anbody, BPD or non-BPD.




2. I told her one night during dinner that I love her, I'm happy with her but that she's not giving me enough care / affection and sometimes I feel alone or that I'm not emotionally supported.

- I think she may have been pondering on this one, knowing that she's incapable of giving me what I need, because she is fundamentally unstable with her emotions.




I didn't realise at the time that both things are particularly bad to somebody with BPD. I'm now learning a lot about how I can manage situations, diffuse them, not argue back.

I've spent so long fighting with her, trying to not be walked all over, sometimes just protesting that I deserve to be treated more fairly.

Now I'm seeing that if my marriage were ever to work I'd have to change my stance entirely, learn, adapt - and possibly one day get her to therapy if our communication ever improved and she would recognise the problem.


Is she likely to come back?

We've had 2 breaks during this difficult spell (7 days, 2 days, 5 days). This is going to be a long one as I won't give in first on this occasion, that's what she wants but I'm getting stronger.

Once had a 7 day silent treatment so she could 'think' which was particularly cruel. Before that were were constantly in touch, it was like taking heroin away from an addict and I suffered immensely. Now I'm stronger & this site is helping me too! Can't believe the similarity in the stories.


If she doesn't come back and she files for divorce, I will call her bluff.

Is she actually likely to go ahead with it and file if I sign the papers?


I imagine not & I imagine it would be a manipulation further, one on from the break / silent treatment etc. But I would call the bluff because the alternative if she did file would be freedom!

It would almost facilitate something that I don't have the strength to do... .yet. I'm close - I know as I write this that I'm stronger. I've not cried since Monday, I've not obsessed about her at all today.

The killer move will be when I'm replaced. When I see another man taking care of my son.

But life goes on, I'll have partial custody too and in time I'll find another love interest, but I think I'll take my time this around and avoid any of those bloody red flags :D

[pearlsw]

Hi, This all sounds very difficult. Just a few thoughts that came to mind... .I know it can feel like if we are the one who reinitiates conversation that we are somehow letting the other person "win" when we were in fact "right". With time, and lots of effort, I think that it can be important to learn that the sooner you get away from the notions of "winning" or being "right" the sooner communication can improve.

For example, this week my partner said and did many horrible things to me and "broke" with me for 5 days. It was rough. But one thing I chose not to do was was make it impossible for him to come and talk to me. I will admit I was afraid to go to him in person, he can be angry, but I periodically sent emails to remind him that while I was not happy about what he'd said he was welcome to come and talk to me anytime when feeling calmer.

I dunno. I can't say I'm great at this, but I do know that in my experience when you cut someone off who has these issues it just makes it worse. I noticed we were able to renew communication and healing much faster because I made it safe for him to come to me. He never has to feel scared that he will be rejected when he comes. He will always be able to have a hug and some compassion and understanding.

Instead of being about "right" and "wrong" let it be about validating the others emotions even when you do not agree, that is a good way to get things back to a more stable footing I find.

[pearlsw]

Oh, and also, one person changing the dynamic can often reduce discord tremendously. The fact that I don't yell and toss back insults helps me preserve my dignity and keeps the situation from getting any uglier than it need be. Meditation practice can help a lot with this. It slows you down, helps you see your thoughts as just thoughts and you don't feel such a strong need to "react" when someone is attacking it. It helps you to hear the pain behind their words and feel compassion instead of wanting to verbally damage them back. Just a thought! I wish you some inner peace with all of this. I know you suffer so much as do many of us here.