How do I explain BPD to others? Should I even try.

[Not2Crazy]

When I start to tell someone else what my exwBPD is like and why I couldn't make things work out and ended up divorced then it seems to strike chords and then they feel that perhaps they should be defending her they don't seem to understand that this is like normal but is in fact totally abnormal. I just feel like how nothing made any sense it still doesn't make any sense.

Sure I bet it is hard to talk to anyone else about your divorce but wow this always blows up in my face.

[Surnia]

Its not easy to talk about a divorce, I feel with you.

I would not just label it. You never know what people are doing with this. I talk about big difficulties to find solutions when we have had different opinions and his difficulties to hold a job.

There was a discussion about it recently:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191004.0

[j4c]

Trying to explain BPD to someone thats never heard of it isnt easy. Ive kinda learnt my lesson now to just keep it brief n cover the basics on my exs personality instead of chucking labels around. Selfish ungrateful and ruthless are 3 of my fav adjectives to describe her. If i mention BPD most peopl reply with 'is it like bipolar?'

One our mutual friends cant see past the fact that i got dumped n my ego took a battering n now im bitter by saying theres something wrong with her. Ive tried explaining to him more than anyone but i know he still doesnt really buy it.

Im at the stage now where id rather vent on here if i need to instead of to my friends  who to be honest are probably sick of hearing me talk about her.

[HostNoMore]

Not2Crazy:

The aftermath of a borderline experience leaves one in a quandary.  First, you have to talk about it to someone.  I mean for your own sanity it has to be let out as what you have gone through is a very intense experience that words cannot describe.  Second, it is very easy to wear people out talking about it so I think it's also best to spread it around.  I would not tell everyone you know about it either.  A few trusted friends, close family members, this board or possibly a therapist.  You do not want to wear individual people out on it as you will be talking about it for a while.

The hardest part is that since the vast majority of people have never and will never experience a borderline relationship and will also never receive the blessings to one's self that the recovery process imparts upon you.  They are generally going to be disinclined to believe you.  You won't get that attitude from this board, but until you have personally experienced a BPD person you just cannot imagine someone behaving in such a manner.  I think general ignorance of this disorder among the population at large gives the borderline the upper hand over their victims.  Most people are just going to think that you are a bitter spurned lover as they just do not understand the reality of BPD. 

You also risk being perceived much like a UFO witness or someone who has seen a ghost so be careful with whom you share it.  You also should not try to hurt your ex by broadcasting it to the world at large.  The new host will have to learn on its own, and it would impede NC if your exBPD ever finds out. 

Yes, you should try, and you must talk about it as it is part of recovery but be semi-discreet about it.  During the first month of my recovery, I had the good fortune of running into a guy at a bar who also had an exBPDgf.  The moment we realized that we both had borderline experiences the conversation lasted for two hours about it.  It was therapeutic for us both.

[turtle]

Not2Crazy:

The aftermath of a borderline experience leaves one in a quandary.  First, you have to talk about it to someone.  I mean for your own sanity it has to be let out as what you have gone through is a very intense experience that words cannot describe.  Second, it is very easy to wear people out talking about it so I think it's also best to spread it around.  I would not tell everyone you know about it either.  A few trusted friends, close family members, this board or possibly a therapist.   You do not want to wear individual people out on it as you will be talking about it for a while.

The hardest part is that since the vast majority of people have never and will never experience a borderline relationship and will also never receive the blessings to one's self that the recovery process imparts upon you.  They are generally going to be disinclined to believe you.  You won't get that attitude from this board, but until you have personally experienced a BPD person you just cannot imagine someone behaving in such a manner.  I think general ignorance of this disorder among the population at large gives the borderline the upper hand over their victims.   Most people are just going to think that you are a bitter spurned lover as they just do not understand the reality of BPD. 

You also risk being perceived much like a UFO witness or someone who has seen a ghost so be careful with whom you share it.  You also should not try to hurt your ex by broadcasting it to the world at large.  The new host will have to learn on its own, and it would impede NC if your exBPD ever finds out. 

Yes, you should try, and you must talk about it as it is part of recovery but be semi-discreet about it.  During the first month of my recovery, I had the good fortune of running into a guy at a bar who also had an exBPDgf.  The moment we realized that we both had borderline experiences the conversation lasted for two hours about it.  It was therapeutic for us both.

This post from HostNoMore is spot on.

IMO, there's really no reason to even mention BPD to others.  The divorce rate is around 52%.  People split for many, many reasons.  As you form your circle of trust, you can just say that the relationship didn't work out - maybe you can say you didn't share the same value system (that's certainly true.) 

As you get closer to someone, you can then decide if you want to divulge more information.  Even then, it might be a good thing to just say, "my ex has mental health issues that were impossible to cope with."

JMO.

turtle

[jdcthunder14]

It is very hard. As was stated before I think most people will think that you have a bruised ego and making stuff up. For me it was doubly difficult since mine was a high functioning pwBPD so no one other than people that are close to her would know.

I mean heck it took me months on this website to understand what happened... .  so my guess it that it just might not be truly possible.

One more important point is that they are not us. In my circumstance a lot of guys would have just called her a lying cheating whore and been done with it in 2 days. We bring the pain of this loss.

[ChrisJ31]

They can't get it, it took me ages too. They also wonder why it is taking so long for you to get over as they haven't been in a realtionship like it, still worth a try, my best make sort of understood the basics but said what ever she has forget it and focus on yourself, always been a good mate when I need him.

[Sparkley]

If you even ask someone if they've heard of BPD, they typically will say yes, they have a relative who has bipolar disorder. 

It's sad to say but there are many mental health professionals who don't even understand or can recognize BPD.

Sometimes, to close friends, I may ask, have you ever seen Single White Female?  Then follow up with "well that's what she's exactly like."  Enough said.  That's about as good of an understanding and perspective as they may get with having never encountered a person with BPD.

[waitaminute]

When I start to tell someone else what my exwBPD is like and why I couldn't make things work out and ended up divorced then it seems to strike chords and then they feel that perhaps they should be defending her they don't seem to understand that this is like normal but is in fact totally abnormal. I just feel like how nothing made any sense it still doesn't make any sense.

Sure I bet it is hard to talk to anyone else about your divorce but wow this always blows up in my face.

Most people close to me don't care about the BPD label. They think I'm defending her behavior and that just because the behavior has a label doesn't excuse the behavior. I'm torn because I still believe there was an inner "her" that knew what she was doing. But I acknowledge that she was just trying to survive the only way she knew how.

[HostNoMore]

As an addendum to my prior post, I told a friend of mine of 30 years who was also privy to the "difficulties" shall we say that I had in my relationship that I highly suspected my exBPD was a borderline.  I am now 100% convinced of it now, but it's all over now.  The very first thing out of his mouth was "She seemed normal to me."

She is high functioning and has her career act together pretty well.  I had to further explain to him that you only see the symptoms manifested in close relationships.  He believes me now.  You really do have to be careful with whom you speak to about your situation.  This is where a T. would really very useful.  Even then, you would want to make sure you get one that is borderline savvy.  Borderlines are ephemeral and professional human chameleons in addition to being liars without peer.  I'd never take one on directly as it is a losing battle.  Also, I've always has one degree of separation between me and my exBPD throughout our entire lives.  I still worry that someone is going to tell her I called her a borderline.  Not that I care very much if they do, but I would prefer to have NC forever for both of our sakes.  I'd verbally slap her back into next week if she ever called me raging at me for it as I know her in ways very few others do. 

Even though we're all warning you about the dangers of discussing it, you have to find someone with whom you can speak to about it as it is maddening.  I sometimes find myself wondering what happens to those who went through a borderline relationship and never learn what hit them.  It cannot be a good thing.

[imstronghere2]

I hate the fact that we have to relegate ourselves in to the general population of divorced people.  A relationship with and divorce from a BPD is FAR from the norm.  I found that the vast majority of people you try to explain this to have absolutely no clue because they have no frame of reference for it.  What you get is a totally confused look or they instantly categorize you into a grouping of what they do understand.  "Oh, she's having a midlife crisis" or some such nonsense.  I have one friend who knew my exwBPD from the beginning and he was the one confidant that I had through the years where I would be at my wits end trying to figure out some of her crazy antics so he heard it all.  He's been through one divorce and had his second wife die so he's a veteran of life's hard balls.  He said he'd never seen a situation with a divorce where one person was 100% wrong and the other was 100% right until now.  Try getting anyone to believe THAT.  Not even my brother and sister really understand and we were raised by the "queen/witch" version of a BPD, although I think they are in a lot of denial and repression from what we were put through.   

Try not to get too frustrated.  It's not their fault they can't understand. 

[HarmKrakow]

I never had any issues telling others my gf has BPD. They believed me and some even pointed out the possible existence of this illness.

How do I describe it? By telling them, imagine you have a friend, who wants to marry you and have kids one day and the next day she wakes up and doesn't want that anymore and would be suprised you would cry about it. She would even get offended if you did, because she will tell you she is nothing special and you should move on. This girl has no empathy as she sees thing black or white.

Then most people have an idea what I'm talking about

[kauaikami]

Well... .  so many of you seem to really have said it all well... .  

If we can't even hardly find therapists who understand BPD... .  how can our

friends or family?  Thank Goodness we have this board because it may well

be the ONLY place on this planet that any of us will ever get any kind of validation.

I found that breaking it down to "it was abusive" seems to suffice... .  albeit, most folks

recognized that this relationship was destructive even before I did.

I'm a single mom with 3 young men and I heard over and over "you don't need another

kid to raise!

Turtle and HostNoMore have said things very well... .  I will read and reread all these replies as the wisdom therein is invaluable.  Thanx Turtle for giving specific language.

I've been holed up within my home and my work because I have been frustrated by people's looks and responses.  Some have even shown impatience.  I know I am not articulating well and more than anything, people look at me like "why are you still struggling?" 

So, yeah... .  best you can, spread it out... .  can easily wear anyone down.   To them, I think, it's simple... .  "that person was an a$$, get over it and move on" or else its "I hope you feel better soon".

Like has been said... .  Comprehension from the general public is just not there.  And besides that... .  alot of folks have their own struggles and the audacity of ours... .  is---well, just too much!

[HarmKrakow]

To be frankly honest, it helped me to display it as BPD to others so friends and family understood the pain I'm going through Cuz in the beginning they were like, whats wrong with you? Get over it...

[Not2Crazy]

First of all I understood Hostnomore very well but Imstronghere identifies best. Your statement ... .  "

" never seen a situation with a divorce where one person was 100% wrong and the other was 100% right until now.  Try getting anyone to believe THAT. "

that is what I meant by how do I explain? it because when I start It comes out like that!

High 5 or ^5?

I know that when I married her I thought "naw ... .  noone can be like that ... .  she's just a little insecure ... .  after we've been married a while dot dot dot "

who really thinks these things through when your heart feels good?  and lets not forget sex ! and your mind is like digging the Idealization she tells everyone about you and you know its not really true but for once you mean something!

you don't realize that things have been totally swapping back and forth ... .  intense ... .  and not making any real sense you

you just think that she can't actually be "crazy" because we think crazy is sitting in a corner, drooling , talking about pink bunnies nipping our toes or something.

I didn't know that I was going to have to face trumped up orders of protection and no friends  because she had already destroyed my friendships and as a couple we couldn't develop any friendships together.     not when a friend to her is someone who see things only in the way she tells them to see things or is the Devil

I did see a counselor for about 2 years and all I got were pills and bills... .  Because unless you live with someone like this you can't therapize them hahahaha I made up a word, therapize.

Although the pills allowed me to recover enough to concentrate and work again as that's the way the relationship really hurt me and detach from true wounds

so I am grateful for Prozac thank you prozac but I'm also glad to not need anymore and so I am still

not "2" crazy

[jdcthunder14]

you just think that she can't actually be "crazy" because we think crazy is sitting in a corner, drooling , talking about pink bunnies nipping our toes or something.

And so does everyone else... .  and why it is sometimes very hard to explain.