Tough situation. You were trying to help, but when it didn't work out you took all the blame. I've been there. I'm going to push with some questions for you to think about though.
We came home and she asked me if I could help color her hair. I'm always nervous about things like that because she's already so uncomfortable about her appearance.
You went into this scenario nervous, perhaps walking on egg shells, plus she was drunk. Have you every colored her hair for her before? If you were uncomfortable with it, whey did you go along with it? Did you express your concerns to her? What can you do to prevent yourself from giving in to a scenario like this in the future?
She began doing things that irritated me- like rile up the dog unnecessarily.
Was she doing this on purpose or just having fun? Or were you feeling tense so these things irritated you more?
When I washed the dye off and I said it's definitely lighter but not as light as it should be. She looked in the mirror and asked why i made it orange and why were there entire patches of uncolored hair.
I said I understood highlights to be streaks of color. She pointed at her head and began yelling that I made her look ugly. She said The orange color was not my fault but that I was too stupid not to make the dye go evenly.
I apologized profusely and she continued to call me stupid and that I made her even uglier than she already is.
I said I would go to the store to get something to repair it and she continued to say how stupid could you be to continue putting chemicals in my hair?
Do you see how your first response was to immediately go to JADEing.
Don't JADE You didn't purposely mess her hair up. She knows that. You know that. She is embarrassed and worried that she might look foolish. How could you have validated this?
I said ok - if you decide to go fix it at the salon, I will pay for it 100%
Why is this your responsibility to fix it?
She didn't respond and started eating her dinner. I remained quiet.
She told me to get out if I was going to continue being silent- that I only think of myself and don't make things better.
Were you being quiet because you were upset, had nothing to say, or were giving her the silent treatment? WHen she attacked you for being quiet, can you think of a way you could express that you were hurt about being called names?