Advice of resources based on where I THINK I am

[livednlearned]

I actually feel lighter.

I did this with a therapist's help. I think there's a method called confrontational writing that can be therapeutic. Pretty sure I wrote over two dozen drafts and each one helped me get closer to putting down on paper what happened in the marriage to lead to this point. It clocked in at 10 pages.

I remember writing it and the catharsis of sending it. Can't remember the response other than it was classic.

Someone once wrote it takes one month for each year of marriage to heal. That's for a "normal" relationship. For a high-conflict marriage it's more like 2 months for each year.

Obviously that's a rough estimate and everyone is different but the month I felt great for the first time in forever was exactly 2 months for each year of marriage. So 11 years of marriage = 22 months before I felt great about where I was at.

You're in the roughest patch now and things like sending the letter are important because it's for you.

Also, this is probably a bit too candid but you're in no shape to help her given what's happened.

For many people with codependent traits there's this almost grandiose and even delusional belief in our abilities to rescue others. I look back at my codependent delusions and it is almost comical how deluded I was.

I'm reluctant to compare people to dogs, although I love dogs so hopefully this isn't offensive. Codependence is almost like trying to retrain a dangerous dog by letting them bite you more. What is often more effective is to have a skilled trainer with good boundaries and a deep understanding of what a reactive dog needs and why, then working almost dispassionately and patiently to achieve progress. Even when a dog is rehabilitated, you have to keep those boundaries in mind at all times so a bad event doesn't happen.

You can't be rescuing others when you're still trying to figure out your own wounds much less how to care for them so you can heal. Maybe for some people the stars align and they can do that but most of us have category 5 damage and the rebuilding requires total focus on our needs.

[AlleyOop23]

I need a little help. I know what’s happening. I’m getting g sucked into a sense obligation. Help me
To ensure I don’t make it healthy choices.

My wife is on me to see that all that PLEASE READ was her depression.
After refusing help and telling me it was me she on HRT and actively managing that. After refusing meds and meds hat Ritalin wasn’t an issue she’s off Ritalin on a high dose of Wellbutrin.  She says she’s written me 38 pages of answers to questions I’ve asked angrily such as how would I go to therapy with you when you aren’t accountable for physically abusing me, deny you have an anger management problem, criticized me for (list of some pretty awful PLEASE READ).

The HRT and meds are working. There are longer flashes of the person I fell for. But then there’s flights of anger unpredictably.

I feel an obligation to hear her out. It’s gnawing at me and it’s not healthy.

[livednlearned]

Is this similar to how things played out the last time you attempted to leave?

Are you saying the narrative is: if it's treatable depression and perimenopause/hormones, then you should forgive her? (your wife's narrative).

That if this is true, then it's not an intractable personality issue?

38 pages is a lot. I would go through it with a therapist, and not alone.

If she apologized for physically abusing you and went to anger management classes, would that change things for you?

My ex did not make as much of an effort to keep the relationship together post-separation, but he did make attempts. If I did not agree with things he said to manipulate me back into old habits, his mask flew off quickly. I went from "you are the love of my life" to a "c&*t" in the span of 60 seconds. For saying "I can't imagine how you would treat me if you hated me."

I'm guessing your spouse is testing your limits not only out of desperation but also because she believes these new boundaries can be overcome.