Perfectionism and Unrealistic Expectations for Myself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been having some conversations with myself and others lately and one of the things that keeps bugging me is my tendency to want to be perfect. I know it is not possible to be perfect. However, I can't fight off these feelings of wanting to be perfect. If I mess something up, I feel horrible about it.

I have thought about joining a support group for wives of sex addicts. I have looked at some meet up groups to see if I can find some activities to get me out of the house so I can make friends and widen my social circle. When I think about doing it, I get scared. I am afraid that I won't fit in. I am afraid that people will see through me and see that I am a fraud. I don't have the perfect marriage. I don't have perfect kids. I say stupid stuff. I do stupid stuff. I find that I second guess myself a lot.

At times I am afraid of seeing a counselor or therapist because I will have to admit my flaws and my imperfections. I don't want to go to counseling until I can figure out how to be the perfect patient.

I will speak my truth at times but it scares me to death. If other people, like my husband are not comfortable with my truth, then I try to find ways to change my truth so that it doesn't create an argument or discomfort. Or, I simply keep my truth to myself so that it won't upset anybody. I don't want to upset anybody. I don't want to disappoint others. I expect myself to figure everything out on my own. But I can't. I can't figure everything out on my own.

I tell my kids all the time that they don't have to figure everything out for themselves and that I am here for them if they need to talk. But, I don't accept the same of myself. I am so used to having to figure everything out on my own that I feel like a failure when I can't figure it out. I am so used to not having anybody to turn to that I don't know how to do it any more. This is something that started in adulthood so it can't be blamed on my FOO. Yes, my FOO is dysfunctional but I could find support when I was a child.

I want to be perfect but I know I am not. I feel broken and scared. I should be stronger than this. I should be better than this.

Can anybody relate? I really feel like my unrealistic expectations for myself and my tendency towards perfectionism keep me in a place where I am not making as much progress as I think I should (There I go with more expectations that may or may not be realistic.)

[vortex of confusion]

I have been having some conversations with myself and others lately and one of the things that keeps bugging me is my tendency to want to be perfect. I know it is not possible to be perfect. However, I can't fight off these feelings of wanting to be perfect. If I mess something up, I feel horrible about it.

I have thought about joining a support group for wives of sex addicts. I have looked at some meet up groups to see if I can find some activities to get me out of the house so I can make friends and widen my social circle. When I think about doing it, I get scared. I am afraid that I won't fit in. I am afraid that people will see through me and see that I am a fraud. I don't have the perfect marriage. I don't have perfect kids. I say stupid stuff. I do stupid stuff. I find that I second guess myself a lot.

At times I am afraid of seeing a counselor or therapist because I will have to admit my flaws and my imperfections. I don't want to go to counseling until I can figure out how to be the perfect patient.

I will speak my truth at times but it scares me to death. If other people, like my husband are not comfortable with my truth, then I try to find ways to change my truth so that it doesn't create an argument or discomfort. Or, I simply keep my truth to myself so that it won't upset anybody. I don't want to upset anybody. I don't want to disappoint others. I expect myself to figure everything out on my own. But I can't. I can't figure everything out on my own.

I tell my kids all the time that they don't have to figure everything out for themselves and that I am here for them if they need to talk. But, I don't accept the same of myself. I am so used to having to figure everything out on my own that I feel like a failure when I can't figure it out. I am so used to not having anybody to turn to that I don't know how to do it any more. This is something that started in adulthood so it can't be blamed on my FOO. Yes, my FOO is dysfunctional but I could find support when I was a child.

I want to be perfect but I know I am not. I feel broken and scared. I should be stronger than this. I should be better than this.

Can anybody relate? I really feel like my unrealistic expectations for myself and my tendency towards perfectionism keep me in a place where I am not making as much progress as I think I should (There I go with more expectations that may or may not be realistic.)

[BuildingFromScratch]

I can relate. I'd act like I'm doing better than I am even to my counselors, because it was humiliating to do otherwise. Also, I was so perfectionistic at work that I was thinking about it at home. I think perfectionism stems from shame, insecurity, and being trained by adults as a child to be hard on yourself.

The being hard on yourself thing, can be improved in the short term pretty easily. I personally have shed some that, even though I'm still in the gutter, . I just gave myself permission to relax and not make such a big deal of things... .although I'm not cured of it.

The other two take cultivating emotional health and changing your values. I mean, what's wrong with being stupid sometimes? Isn't stupid just being silly? Silly is fun, right? Letting go of your shame is humiliating, I'm doing it now. I'm emotionally a child and whiny, and needy and pathetic, and that's fine. Being real with oneself is essential to healing/cultivating something in yourself.

I find it helps to imagine myself as a baby, that I need to be so careful with, so as to not hurt it. That idea allows me to find tenderness/gentleness that I can apply to myself. Anyways, good luck.

[vortex of confusion]

I can relate. I'd act like I'm doing better than I am even to my counselors, because it was humiliating to do otherwise. Also, I was so perfectionistic at work that I was thinking about it at home. I think perfectionism stems from shame, insecurity, and being trained by adults as a child to be hard on yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing this! It helps to hear that I am not alone. I always act like I am doing better than I am. I try to temper everything so that if I screw up, at least I don't screw up that bad. I can be very, very insecure. In my case, I don't think mine comes from my childhood. Yeah, my parents could be hard on me at times but I was kind of the golden child. I was ignored quite a bit but there were times when I felt like everything I touched turned to gold. I will never forget the time my dad was mad and raging and wanted to know who broke something. I stepped up and said, "I did it." He calmed down immediately and we set about fixing it. Even now, there are times when somebody from my FOO will call me up and ask for help because they see me as very capable and helpful.

The being hard on yourself thing, can be improved in the short term pretty easily. I personally have shed some that, even though I'm still in the gutter, . I just gave myself permission to relax and not make such a big deal of things... .although I'm not cured of it.

Oh, I can give myself permission but then I feel guilty about it later.

The other two take cultivating emotional health and changing your values. I mean, what's wrong with being stupid sometimes? Isn't stupid just being silly? Silly is fun, right? Letting go of your shame is humiliating, I'm doing it now. I'm emotionally a child and whiny, and needy and pathetic, and that's fine. Being real with oneself is essential to healing/cultivating something in yourself.

I can be very childish and silly at times. My kids think I am hilarious. I don't think I have ever shied away from my silly side. I have coped with life by keeping my sense of humor. As a matter of fact, when I get silly, I try to be perfectly silly. 

I find it helps to imagine myself as a baby, that I need to be so careful with, so as to not hurt it. That idea allows me to find tenderness/gentleness that I can apply to myself. Anyways, good luck.

I think that statement might help. I can't imagine myself as somebody that is fragile. I cannot see myself as somebody that needs the tenderness and gentleness. I am tough. (Or at least that is how I want to feel.) That is definitely something to think about further.

[Pingo]

I find it helps to imagine myself as a baby, that I need to be so careful with, so as to not hurt it. That idea allows me to find tenderness/gentleness that I can apply to myself. Anyways, good luck.

I think that statement might help. I can't imagine myself as somebody that is fragile. I cannot see myself as somebody that needs the tenderness and gentleness. I am tough. (Or at least that is how I want to feel.) That is definitely something to think about further.

Vortex, I can relate to this.  I always avoided anything that could possibly cause embarrassment.  I have avoided participating in things for fear I cannot do it perfectly.  If I make a mistake I get hot, my face turns red.  It is excruciating!  And what a bunch of life I've missed out on bc of this unreasonable fear, this idea that I had to be perfect in order to be worthy, accepted.  I put on a tough front for fear of letting anyone see my vulnerable side.  I'm really working on this.  Even with my closest friends I have a limit of how much 'emotion' I'll allow them to see.  It has been exhausting trying to protect me this way for all these years.  Frankly, I'm really fed up with it and I'm trying really hard to let all this control go and allow people to really see me, even the 'ugly' parts, the imperfect parts.

At times I am afraid of seeing a counselor or therapist because I will have to admit my flaws and my imperfections. I don't want to go to counseling until I can figure out how to be the perfect patient.

How would it make you feel if you went to see a counsellor and you really poured out your soul to them, all your imperfections and flaws... .and they validated you!  They told you that you were good enough as you are, flaws and all!  Because that is what a good counsellor will do.  They are not there to judge you.  They are the safe place to land where you can be yourself and share your scariest feelings.  What if they could help you see that you are already the perfect patient: one willing to look at themselves and do the hard work of facing themselves and their feelings.  You seem very self-aware from all the posts I've read over the last several months.  This is what makes a perfect patient!

[Harri]

Hi vortex.  You can add me to the list of people who can relate.  I am very hard on myself too but rather than waiting to do something until I can do it perfectly, sometimes I will deliberately self-sabotage.    What has helped (when I remember to do it) is listening to the self-talk (like you are doing) and then just sitting with it.  I try not to fight it or reason with myself, I just accept it... .and then i choose to act differently or I choose kinder words in my self talk.  What helps me too is to ask myself if I would talk to other people or even a child the way i talk to myself.  This works well for me when I remember and when I am present enough, but I am no where near to being good at this!     I was reading a thread over on the staying board (I think) and this person said they do not strive for perfection but they do strive for perfect effort.  (I just tried to retrace my steps to find out who said it but I can't find it.  The statement had such an impact on me that I blocked out anything else   )  Regardless, I think it is brilliant and it is something I can use to reframe my internal judgement meter.  Maybe you can apply it to yourself?

BTW, thanks for sharing this.  Showing your perfectly imperfect self is not easy.  Kudos to you for taking a big step in working on this.    

[parisian]

Vortex sorry to hear how you are feeling. It sounds like that is difficult for you.

I was like that when I was younger - I used to physically punch myself learning to play piano, whenever I played something wrong (there's some serious issues in there somewhere!) . Being a perfectionist at work nearly cost me a job once - I could never delegate.

I took much solice in philosophy (the easy to read stuff). I learnt that failing and learning to enjoy failing is part of life. That no-one is perfect and never can be, and people's imperfections is what makes each of us unique and interesting. I learnt to be 'lazy' at work to an extent, and now think 70% is good enough . I learnt to ask myself 'what is the worst that can happen', and explore that fear. Failure is learning - you get to know what didn't work. Maybe pick something that is not too hard, and practice and persist. Learning something new is about failing until you do it enough times to be successful. Then you teach yourself about how to learn from failure, you learn about persistence, and you teach yourself something new in the process. It builds your confidence in yourself also. Maybe try to teach yourself an easy magic trick, or juggling as an example

My brother has a saying about people he does not know, if they make derogatory comments to him: 'I don't even know you so why should I care what you think". That saying has stuck with me for many years now, to the point where I stopped caring so much about what others thought of me.

Humor as you've alluded to, is also a great way to deal with feelings like that. Self-depreciating humor, as long as it is kind works too

Perhaps google or read up on communication skills, where you learn to discuss a difficult issue without personalising it if that makes sense. It is about being able to take an issue and 'put it on a table' during discussion, so you can talk about that thing on the table, rather than making it a personal. That helped for me in depersonalising difficult conversations. It removes the 'emotion from self' during hard discussions.

Also think about developing your own confidence - you do have a voice and an opinion, and it is important. Think about times in your life when you were successful or when things did go well.

You said that you don't want to disappoint others - this is part of People Pleasing behaviour. Part of feeling comfortable with your own voice is to get to a point where you realise that you are not responsible for other people's reactions (although having a pwBPD means communicating in different ways to manage their disorder).

Get clear on what your values are, then you are able to live by those and speak them. You can't be responsible for other people having different values or seeing things differently - that is their issue

It's great you are able to reflect and talk about this, and I hope your search leads you to some answers.

[vre]

 I've been there (or it's more accurate to say I spend a certain amount of time there).

If you could get yourself to a therapist and unload this stuff (never mind being the perfect patient), you very likely would get some immediate relief.

What has helped me the most I think, is to deliberately seek out activities that I have to perform as a non-expert in the midst of other people, where it's pretty much unavoidable that I'm going to flounder sometimes. I've done exercise classes, and been the least-flexible person in a yoga class. I used to do field archery with my neighbor and some of his friends. These days, I run (slowly) with other middle-aged folks in a running club, and I perform in a music group. We just did two Christmas concerts.

My perfectionistic tendencies are still pretty strong, but it helps a lot in keeping my fear of failure in check, if I'm regularly getting out there and making some mistakes, or participating in something that I'll never be more than mediocre at, but which I enjoy nevertheless. Are there activities you've wanted to do, but that you've passed up because you don't think you'd do them well enough to be satisfied with them, or that you worry about looking foolish doing as a beginner? I'd suggest trying a few of them. The ones done in the presence of other people have worked the best for me.

[Blimblam]

Yeah vortex I can relate. Except for me it's like regret over choices I made in the past.  The link is underlying shame and the punitive parent schema mode activated internally punishing the vulnerable child. Except I sometimes fall into day dreams where the happy child made a different choice.

Well at least you can vent here so if you can do that here you can form a therapeutic alliance with a councelor or therapist.  It's just here you have that layer of safety and control of the object that you interact with directly, the computer. It is like a baby step to the kind of attachment you can make with a therapist or councilor.