Yawning is apparently her trigger...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So my girlfriend and I have had a rough week. We have argued every night because at nights she struggles hardest and wants to push me away. That would normally be fine, but my shift at work has changed so I now work in the mornings. I have gotten very little sleep all week, and as a result, I yawn out of sheer exhaustion. When her and I are together and I yawn, it apparently triggers her to think I'm bored or don't want to be there and that escalates to her thinking I'm cheating on her. All because of a yawn. I work 40+ hours a week and stay up late with her because she's been causing fights when I try to leave. I don't know how to help this trigger. All the other ones I can usually keep in check, but this one, well it's a bodily function that I can't control. It's been causing fights night after night and I just don't know what to do about it.

[ShadowTech15]

So my girlfriend and I have had a rough week. We have argued every night because at nights she struggles hardest and wants to push me away. That would normally be fine, but my shift at work has changed so I now work in the mornings. I have gotten very little sleep all week, and as a result, I yawn out of sheer exhaustion. When her and I are together and I yawn, it apparently triggers her to think I'm bored or don't want to be there and that escalates to her thinking I'm cheating on her. All because of a yawn. I work 40+ hours a week and stay up late with her because she's been causing fights when I try to leave. I don't know how to help this trigger. All the other ones I can usually keep in check, but this one, well it's a bodily function that I can't control. It's been causing fights night after night and I just don't know what to do about it.

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[123Phoebe]

We have argued every night because at nights she struggles hardest and wants to push me away. That would normally be fine, but my shift at work has changed so I now work in the mornings. I have gotten very little sleep all week, and as a result, I yawn out of sheer exhaustion.

It's been causing fights night after night and I just don't know what to do about it.

Hey ShadowTech

Has arguing at night been a common occurrence?  Is a good night's sleep something that you value?

[ShadowTech15]

Hey Phoebe, 

When we argue, it's always at night because that's when her feelings of abandonment are the highest. So yeah, arguing at night has been pretty common for the past 2 years. I do value sleep, but obviously I value her's and my relationship more. Honestly, that's why I shifted to a morning shift. She wanted me to so that we could spend more time together. Before I was working a late night shift so I could sleep in the mornings to early afternoon.

[Grey Kitty]

I'd value my r/s over sleep too, as a general rule, at least until I am so sleepy I cannot contribute to my r/s.

But I'd question whether you are serving your r/s by staying up late and arguing--I expect that she tells you that going to sleep instead of continuing the discussion/argument/fight/whatever would mean you aren't valuing your r/s with her.

But I believe that the fighting is destructive to your r/s, rather than helping it.

If you enforce a boundary by going to sleep when you are tired, you will likely get initial resistance or escalation, but that kind of boundary enforcement is worth it.

[zaqsert]

(I see I'm cross-posting with Grey Kitty, whose response I very much agree with.  I'll post this anyway in case it helps you too.)

I do value sleep, but obviously I value her's and my relationship more.

I have gotten very little sleep all week, and as a result, I yawn out of sheer exhaustion.

Hi ShadowTech,

Is your lack of sleep getting in the way of you leading your own life, work, or even your ability to work on your relationship with your gf?  If so, you may have to get some of what you need before you can really try to help your gf or your relationship.

I was in a similar situation many years ago.  My uBPDgf at the time (different from my uBPDw now; I know, I'm finally learning... . ) "happened" to bring up deep topics that often led to arguments just as I was about to fall asleep.  Back then, I engaged in the discussion, believing it was best to address things when they came up.  If I had known then what I know now, I hope I would have enforced a boundary around my ability to sleep at night and realized that bad reactions that I might have gotten from her were her "stuff" to deal with and not mine to fix.

As to the yawning, you can't control that directly.  In fact, the more you stay up to argue at night, the more you will yawn.  It's a vicious circle.  If she continues to react poorly to your yawning, this may be one not to engage in.  Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain).  It probably has not gone well if you've tried to explain your yawning in the past, right?

Keep in mind also that you have the right to remove yourself from any conversation that you do not want to be in.

Perhaps even more importantly, have you explored the lessons here?  They are listed at the right of the pages on this board and also as a "sticky" message thread at the top of the this board.  Lots of us have learned to improve things in our relationships by using them.

[DreamFlyer99]

And isn't disrupting their partner's sleep something common to pwBPD? i'm pretty sure I read that here somewhere... . When my uBPDh has been full throttle oppositional mode that's a tool he's used to be punishing, I guess. If he's unhappy, and he is aware that my sleep matters hugely to my health, living with fibromyalgia, he's been willing to make me unhappy too.

So many things that are so confusing, because the pwBPD does not think like you and me!

[ShadowTech15]

Hey Everyone,

Tonight I tried to just remove myself from the situation. I told her I loved her and that everything would be okay, but I needed sleep so that I could function at work, home, and in our relationship. As you can see I am still awake. She has now left me (which is also not uncommon), and has told me how much she hates me and wants to move on. It's like a rock and a hard place.

If I try to use the skills in the communication she says I'm making fun of her (which I'm not), if I respond the way she wants she becomes suicidal, if I do nothing she breaks up with me. It all is part of the escalation and no matter what path I choose, I lose.

I'm just glad she has therapy tomorrow. She always gets better after therapy.

[DreamFlyer99]

ShadowTech,

I know one thing I've seen reiterated on here and I need to get firmly in my skull is that: all this work I do is about me and that I have no control, none at all, over how the other person reacts to me. I can only hope to improve my own boundary-making, communication skills and understanding so I can be the best version of me I can be. Apparently that can affect the dynamics of the r/s, but sometimes the other person isn't all that interested in working through their issues. So it's difficult.

I wish I could remember which member on here said it, cuz it was so good I wrote it down: "I finally realized that if my ex was only thinking of himself and I was only thinking of him, there was no one left to take care of me." So true. A huge skill for being in a r/s with a pwBPD is learning how to take care of you in a way that doesn't make everything in your life about that other person. They can easily overwhelm us... .

You're in a tough place, no doubt about that. Don't forget to think about taking care of yourself as much as you want to take care of her.

best wishes,

DreamFlyer

[ShadowTech15]

Thank you very much DreamFlyer. You have a very great point. I do need to start taking care of myself as well. That is a great quote, I am grateful for you to be sharing that with me.

[DreamFlyer99]

So happy to share that! It made a huge impression on me.

[TriggerMortis]

I know one thing I've seen reiterated on here and I need to get firmly in my skull is that: all this work I do is about me and that I have no control, none at all, over how the other person reacts to me. I can only hope to improve my own boundary-making, communication skills and understanding so I can be the best version of me I can be. Apparently that can affect the dynamics of the r/s, but sometimes the other person isn't all that interested in working through their issues. So it's difficult.

I am really working hard to remember this "in the moment" when my wife w/BPD is raging. It's so difficult because things spin chaotically out of control.

One of my wife's triggers — she has misophonia — is when I eat noisily. I try to be mindful and have improved but it's not good enough for her. I wish she'd give me more positive feedback for my efforts (yes, praise would be nice... . ) but she says I'm just making excuses. Even one slurp of soup or straw (when there's an air bubble in a drink) is enough to make her get so mad.

We have found ways to cope with this, like playing music during eating time, and it helps if she's eating at the same time to keep occupied. Still, it ain't easy.

[DreamFlyer99]

TriggerMortis-- I love your name! hahaha!

Wow that sounds really hard! i'll have to look up 'misophonia' now. Does she work with a T? Or do you?

You could wait a veeeerrry long time for praise!  If life is about them, well, what does it matter what you do except in how it affects them? So tough to deal with! Um, earplugs? Boy does that sound hard to deal with. i'm rather a "will work for praise" sort of person myself, but i'm afraid that praise has to come from me. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh, and Trigger Mortis--if I were to guess what "misophonia" means, i'd guess "a dislike of hearing someone eat miso soup"?

Har. Now I really will go look it up.

[TriggerMortis]

DreamFlyer99 — I'm a pretty punny fellow.  Interestingly enough, "misophonia" does include miso soup but... . www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

[TriggerMortis]

Hmmm, is there a way to edit posts here?

[DreamFlyer99]

On my own posts there's a "modify" button to the top right of my post. And I beat you to it and already read Wikipedia about it! dang. THAT sounds rough.

[TriggerMortis]

I don't see a Modify button.  I wonder, is it a privilege granted only after making so many posts on here?

[hoping4hope]

The modify It only lasts about 15 minutes or so after you post, you have to work quickly.

I have some embarrassing typos I can't fix.

[Wrongturn1]

+1 on the "misophonia"... . my uBPDw has it.  Noises of chewing, crunching, or slurping tend to set her off.  We often turn on music at dinner to counteract this.  

[Grey Kitty]

Tonight I tried to just remove myself from the situation. I told her I loved her and that everything would be okay, but I needed sleep so that I could function at work, home, and in our relationship. As you can see I am still awake. She has now left me (which is also not uncommon), and has told me how much she hates me and wants to move on. It's like a rock and a hard place.

That was a good step on your part. Keep up the good work. As a note: enforcing boundaries like that consistently is very important. If you sometimes let her get away with it, she'll keep on trying a lot longer than if you are consistent.

Even though she left and said horrible things, this is still progress: She could have done that after two or five hours of pointless fighting.

And my last thought for you: Now it is time to work on yourself: If she does this again (likely) what can you do to take care of yourself so you actually get to sleep instead of staying up worrying about it? Anything that would help you relax and then go to bed?

Hang in there!

 GK

[ApChagi1]

Hmmm. . .so interesting about the misophonia.  My dBPDw claims to have Synesthesia, which to her is hearing and tasting in colors. 

[ShadowTech15]

Grey Kitty,

I know it was a step in the right direction, but it was still very hard to do. She got back with me the next day. You are right, I do need to be consistent with this for it to improve. Thank you =) And maybe next time I will shut off my phone and do a bit of reading. Maybe that will keep me from worrying, I hope.