Concerns about D mental health

[Ulysses]

I don't know where to post this exactly, and in addition to feeling the need to type this out, feedback/input/shared experiences are welcome.  I think it's a little long...

I have had concerns for my D13 this school year.  She finished the school she'd been at since she was 5, and will go to a new school without her friends, so I expected some ups and downs.  Still, I was concerned she was depressed or something for part of this year.  In addition to school, she had some sports-related injuries that kept her from her activities.

My interactions with her dad felt unusually stressful since last summer.  He lied a lot in his interactions with me, and also my daughter lied.  I've talked to her (again) about the importance of truth, asked her what can I do to help her be able to talk to me.  I've tried since she was 4 or 5 to talk about telling the truth and concerns around keeping secrets that adults ask you to keep from your mom or dad (I worked with counselors at the time - her dad would say, "don't tell your mom").  Sometimes she just clams up and won't talk or engage.  Pretty heartbreaking. 

Anyhow yesterday she left a letter for me that I found after her dad picked her up.  Apparently she feels she is nonbinary/transgender and wants me to call her a new name and male pronouns.  I am worried about her given her dad's behaviors over the years.  The message I want to convey to her is that I love her, I want to support her, and I want her to be safe.  I would love to hear about her journey to this decision.  I know we have some longer conversations ahead of us.  It appears D told exH, teachers, and friends months ago, but not me.

I also found out exH gave my D13 CBD oil for pain when she was injured this year, and I think that might be illegal.  I'm not sure though.  Going to ask my attorney.

And I'm wondering if she is picking up his personality difficulties.  At her last school event that both exH and I attended, her facial expressions looked like his used to and it was hard to watch.

[BigOof]

What does your ex-husband gain by this change/transition?

What secrets is your daughter is being asked to keep?

Don't worry about CBD oil. This is a distraction.

[Ulysses]

Hi there Oofs.  I can't say what exH thinks he gains from this.  Control?  Regulation of his own emotions?  Validation for unresolved issues or feelings he has?  What are your thoughts?

He gets to be special if his children are different, gets attention.  He gets to be the hero and make me the bad guy if I don't agree with him or go along with what he says my kids want.  He did this with ear piercing with my D when she was younger.  He did it with kids' activity choices, and other things over the years.  Sent me emails slamming my choices, saying I was a bad mother and how disappointing I was to my D.

It seems my exH's patterns are to assign others' identities and traits to them in the way he sees them in the moment; he warps them.  He did this to me during our marriage, continues to do it via my children.  My T told me it is like looking at yourself through a funhouse mirror.  It depended on how he was feeling, not on objective measures.  Do you know what projective identification is?

ExH has been dressing like a woman for at least a year now, on and off.  He sent text messages to my D a few years ago celebrating how his 2 or 3 year old son was wearing dresses now. 

Secrets my daughter is asked to keep range from everyday mundane things to trips out of state to talking to her stepmother's nephew, or camping with him (he's about 22 now I think).  If anyone in my family, or my friends, asks my D hey what have you been up to or asks about e.g. Christmas or how was Disneyland, etc., she clams up.  One word answer at most.  It has been getting better the last couple of years but still conversation doesn't feel like it flows.

I'm not sure I agree CBD is a distraction given his history, and family history of substance abuse.

[BigOof]

ExH has been dressing like a woman for at least a year now, on and off.  He sent text messages to my D a few years ago celebrating how his 2 or 3 year old son was wearing dresses now.

So basically, transgender rights are vogue in the national zeitgeist and he's taking on that identity. Ouch.

Are you sure there isn't a little histrionic personality disorder in there?