Another dream featuring the 2 BPDs of my life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Last night I went out and got drunk, and ended up in a heart to heart with a friend who always brings the conversation back to my BPDex.  I guess I went to sleep with him on my mind.  As a result I had a dream.  However this dream was very strange.  I was sitting, facing my uBPD mother, and she was confronting me and asked if was secretly in a relationship with my BPDex.  Her tone was accusing, and I felt intense shame.  I also felt intense betrayal, because my sister is the only one in my family who knows about my BPDex, I never told my parents about him, so it would mean that my sister had betrayed me and told my parents about my BPDex, since my mother used his name, which I have never, ever mentionned to her.

So from this dream I felt:

1. An intense feeling of shame from my mother for having fallen for my BPDex.

2. an intense feeling of betrayal from my sister who essentially betrayed the highly intimate information I had shared with her.

3. I felt affection for my BPDex, but I felt shame for that affection because when we were together he behaved poorly with me.

Does anyone have any insight into what I can do with this?

Thanks,

caught.

[caughtnreleased]

Last night I went out and got drunk, and ended up in a heart to heart with a friend who always brings the conversation back to my BPDex.  I guess I went to sleep with him on my mind.  As a result I had a dream.  However this dream was very strange.  I was sitting, facing my uBPD mother, and she was confronting me and asked if was secretly in a relationship with my BPDex.  Her tone was accusing, and I felt intense shame.  I also felt intense betrayal, because my sister is the only one in my family who knows about my BPDex, I never told my parents about him, so it would mean that my sister had betrayed me and told my parents about my BPDex, since my mother used his name, which I have never, ever mentionned to her.

So from this dream I felt:

1. An intense feeling of shame from my mother for having fallen for my BPDex.

2. an intense feeling of betrayal from my sister who essentially betrayed the highly intimate information I had shared with her.

3. I felt affection for my BPDex, but I felt shame for that affection because when we were together he behaved poorly with me.

Does anyone have any insight into what I can do with this?

Thanks,

caught.

[jhkbuzz]

Last night I went out and got drunk, and ended up in a heart to heart with a friend who always brings the conversation back to my BPDex.  I guess I went to sleep with him on my mind.  As a result I had a dream.  However this dream was very strange.  I was sitting, facing my uBPD mother, and she was confronting me and asked if was secretly in a relationship with my BPDex.  Her tone was accusing, and I felt intense shame.  I also felt intense betrayal, because my sister is the only one in my family who knows about my BPDex, I never told my parents about him, so it would mean that my sister had betrayed me and told my parents about my BPDex, since my mother used his name, which I have never, ever mentionned to her.

So from this dream I felt:

1. An intense feeling of shame from my mother for having fallen for my BPDex.

2. an intense feeling of betrayal from my sister who essentially betrayed the highly intimate information I had shared with her.

3. I felt affection for my BPDex, but I felt shame for that affection because when we were together he behaved poorly with me.

Does anyone have any insight into what I can do with this?

Thanks,

caught.

Any chance that your family members are a stand in for YOU?

1.  I have an intense feeling of shame for having fallen for my BPDex.

2.  I feel that I intensely betrayed myself.

3.  (You already own this one).

?

[caughtnreleased]

hmm. That's an interesting one.  I have struggled and reflected on this.  I actually don't feel like I betrayed myself by being with my BPDex because I actually never really accepted to have a relationship with him.  I knew I shouldn't go there. I recently had an insight while meditating on this.  Indeed the shame is mine.  The thing is, the shame is more about the feelings of very deep affection that I have for my BPDex, rather than how he treated me.  I didn't allow him to treat me poorly actually, I stood my boundaries, several times.  But I did not understand and was ashamed that I would even have such deep feelings of affection for someone who portrays himself to be a total mess.  This may sound a bit radical but the way that I think I betrayed myself is that I did not recognize, or give value, to what he does have, or at least to what I saw in him that attracted me so much: sensitive, intelligent, attentive, caring, funny, fragile but also a certain type of strength.  I never understood why something inside me was so drawn to him, and that, contrasted with who he announced himself to be to me ( a walking, talking disaster) led me into crisis, and I ran from him. I have only been in rejection/protection with him.  I think I did betray myself... .but only because I never gave value to the gifts that he gave me (meeting him threw me almost instantaneously into major crisis - because I couldn't understand how someone like ME could fall for someone like HIM).  I only rejected, rejected, rejected.  Moving forward, I think I need to be grateful for what he gave to me, rather than angry for what he could not offer.  This is perhaps how I feel I betrayed myself.  I think the question I need to ask myself, is am I ashamed to love someone else? Probably... .there is the betrayal.  Anyway... .I have not been able to reconcile such contradictions when it comes to him.  I think I just needed to accept who he was: a disaster, with wonderful qualities   And it's those qualities that I saw and connected with, and denying and obfuscating that part of it, I think has caused me a lot of pain.

[jhkbuzz]

hmm. That's an interesting one.  I have struggled and reflected on this.  I actually don't feel like I betrayed myself by being with my BPDex because I actually never really accepted to have a relationship with him.  I knew I shouldn't go there. I recently had an insight while meditating on this.  Indeed the shame is mine.  The thing is, the shame is more about the feelings of very deep affection that I have for my BPDex, rather than how he treated me.  I didn't allow him to treat me poorly actually, I stood my boundaries, several times.  But I did not understand and was ashamed that I would even have such deep feelings of affection for someone who portrays himself to be a total mess.  This may sound a bit radical but the way that I think I betrayed myself is that I did not recognize, or give value, to what he does have, or at least to what I saw in him that attracted me so much: sensitive, intelligent, attentive, caring, funny, fragile but also a certain type of strength.  I never understood why something inside me was so drawn to him, and that, contrasted with who he announced himself to be to me ( a walking, talking disaster) led me into crisis, and I ran from him. I have only been in rejection/protection with him.  I think I did betray myself... .but only because I never gave value to the gifts that he gave me (meeting him threw me almost instantaneously into major crisis - because I couldn't understand how someone like ME could fall for someone like HIM).  I only rejected, rejected, rejected.  Moving forward, I think I need to be grateful for what he gave to me, rather than angry for what he could not offer.  This is perhaps how I feel I betrayed myself.  I think the question I need to ask myself, is am I ashamed to love someone else? Probably... .there is the betrayal.  Anyway... .I have not been able to reconcile such contradictions when it comes to him.  I think I just needed to accept who he was: a disaster, with wonderful qualities   And it's those qualities that I saw and connected with, and denying and obfuscating that part of it, I think has caused me a lot of pain.

"A disaster with wonderful qualities"... .I love that!

Sounds like you're doing a lot of digging... .good for you!  I'm wondering: any chance that you enjoyed being in the "one up" position: the wiser, stronger, more "together" of the two of you?

That dynamic was definitely going on for me to a certain degree... .so then the question becomes, why did I enjoy that position?  And what did it do to the other person in the r/s? (Answer: nothing good).

[caughtnreleased]

Yes.  In all my relationships I have had the one up.  Always.  With my BPDex it was different because I felt so strongly about him, that suddenly I got turned upside down.  I think we both did.  He offered me the one up role, and I did take it for a bit, but then I rejected it... .it was so hard for me to do. 

The reason why I need to be the one up, ie: the one IN CONTROL, is that my family has betrayed me.  Over and over and over and over again.  And so, I am entirely self sufficient, independent, self made.  Anytime I had weakness my family reinforced it.  Anytime I had strength my family opposed it. Anytime I was attacked, my family sided with the attacker.  And so, not being in control in a relationship, I feel so incredibly vulnerable that I will be betrayed. This I know is what I need to get over in order to move forward in love and life.  I don't know how to do it though. 

[jhkbuzz]

Yes.  In all my relationships I have had the one up.  Always.  With my BPDex it was different because I felt so strongly about him, that suddenly I got turned upside down. I think we both did.  He offered me the one up role, and I did take it for a bit, but then I rejected it... .it was so hard for me to do.  The reason why I need to be the one up, ie: the one IN CONTROL, is that my family has betrayed me.  Over and over and over and over again.  And so, I am entirely self sufficient, independent, self made.  Anytime I had weakness my family reinforced it.  Anytime I had strength my family opposed it. Anytime I was attacked, my family sided with the attacker.  And so, not being in control in a relationship, I feel so incredibly vulnerable that I will be betrayed. This I know is what I need to get over in order to move forward in love and life.  I don't know how to do it though.  

I colored 'red' anything I could strongly relate to

The ability to be vulnerable is something I need to work on as well... .I am doing this with a T.  :)o you have one?

And if you haven't watched this yet... .Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability (TED talk)

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Thank you for those recommendations. In addition to those two things, something that unexpectedly launched me straight into my own vulnerability was a meditation retreat.  I did not know what to do when I came out. I had this incredible feeling of vulnerability I had never experienced before, and it was really frightening. I'm still working with that.  I've experienced vulnerability on my own... .I think my next challenge is to be open to experiencing that vulnerability WITH others... .this is a really big challenge for me, and I have to allow it to happen. I tend to fight it... .

[jhkbuzz]

Hi Thank you for those recommendations. In addition to those two things, something that unexpectedly launched me straight into my own vulnerability was a meditation retreat.  I did not know what to do when I came out. I had this incredible feeling of vulnerability I had never experienced before, and it was really frightening. I'm still working with that.  I've experienced vulnerability on my own... .I think my next challenge is to be open to experiencing that vulnerability WITH others... .this is a really big challenge for me, and I have to allow it to happen. I tend to fight it... .

Did you watch the video yet?  It's wonderful and terrible all at the same time... .

[Suzn]

I love looking up dream meanings, it's kind of a hobby.

Ex boyfriend

If you have separated recently, chances are, you are still in love with your old boyfriend. In this case, you keep dreaming about him because the unconscious mind is showing you that you have not yet overcome your feelings associated with the separation.

These dreams work like warnings; they don’t let you fool yourself in believing that you got rid of the feelings you have for your old partner. They are telling you that you are still vulnerable to accepting a reconciliation.

*I've also read dreaming about our exs are simply about unfinished business or that you are repeating old behaviors that didn't work in the past.

Mother

To dream of your mother represents your intuition or your internal guidance. She reflects your ability to make decisions that will effect you in the future or how well you make choices based on gut instincts. She also reflects how lucky you feel about coincidences or good foresight.