Raging sister

[Spacity]

Hi

This is my first posting. I have been following this site for months due to be believing my sister has BPD. She isn't diagnosed but she ticks every box.

I have been caring for my elderly parents for 4 years - sharing responsibilities with her. Basically they needed over night care along with cooking cleaning etc. my mother has dementia and my father had CPOD - unfortunately he died in hospital last week. And although sHe made my life very difficult in the past 4 years ( walking out on my parents despite it being her night etc) resulting in me basically putting my life on hold - nothing could have prepared me for this - she is refusing to let us plan a funeral , refusing me access to my mother , causing chaos and blaming the hospital for my fathers death. We had a meeting planned with a funeral director who she told to go away as he wasn't her choice etc. Along with this it's clear we need a solution for my mum - when my dad was alive we just about coped - but I simply do not trust her to stick to any arrangements we may make . I work in a very stressful and pressurised job and although my company is fantastic - I am employed to do a job and need to get on with it. My current plan was to let her burn herself out and then take over - anything I do will be undone by her today and as she is disputing the reason for my fathers death there isn't much I can do - does anyone have advice for me - I am relatively calm at moment - I have to be - but this is about to explode again - she doesn't even think I have a right to grieve... .

[Deb]

Wish I had some good advice for you. What I do know is most BPs are triggered by abandonment and death is the ultimate abandoment. My dBPD sister went on a downward spiral when our mother died. Ultimately, I went NC. I realized that in your case, that is not possible. Hugs to you.

[Panda39]

Hi Spacity

Welcome to BPD Family  

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now.  I'm sorry you lost your dad and are having to deal with your sister at the same time.  That is a lot of grief and a lot of stress.

What kind of support are you getting?  Other family?  Friends?  Therapy?  Can you get someone else to cover your mom for a couple of nights so you can get at least a short break where you can focus on yourself, your grief, your needs?

I agree with Deb most likely your dad's passing has triggered your sister. It sounds like she's got to blame someone for your dad leaving her.  My SO's uBPDex also spiraled down with the death of her mother.  :)eath is the ultimate abandonment.  

To start I'd like to suggest you check out the "Taking Care of Yourself" link to the right.  Hang in there.

Take care

[Linda Maria]

hi Spacity.  So very sorry to hear about your situation, and about losing your dad.  It is such a difficult time even under normal circumstances, and to have to deal with your uBPDsis' antics must be unbearable.  My uBPDsis became unbearable shortly after my mother died 2 years ago.  She completely turned on me, and I was forced eventually to engage a solicitor, firstly because I could no longer cope with all the hate mail and terrible accusations that were coming my way, I think I was close to a nervous breakdown, and secondly, because we are joint executors of my late mother's estate, and that's why your story resonates with me, because she did the same sort of things, i.e. refused to co-operate, wouldn't work with the solicitors, basically stopped property being sold, money paid out, or anything happening, which just created a massive amount of chaos, stress, and increased cost for us both, to absolutely no benefit.  So I seriously feel for you.  I don't know what the legal position is, if your Mum has dementia, then possibly you both jointly have power of attorney?  It is illegal to prevent a funeral from taking place within a reasonable time - my advice - and it is tough advice - is to harden your resolve and take legal advice as to what you can do.  There must be some way you can get control, or force her to do the right things.  I found when solicitors, estate agents and other professionals were involved, it completely exposed the situation for what it was.  I was feeling so bad, and guilty that maybe people would believe all these lies about me, but all these people, who were not emotionally involved saw through it all straight away and were extremely helpful and sympathetic.  I knew if I didn't get legal help, to get to the end of the line in sorting out the estate I would have the nightmare in my life for ever.  And as well as slowly killing me, it wasn't helping her.  It was a very tough thing to do - I have had to start court proceedings against my sister, and in fact, as the properties have now been sold (they certainly wouldn't have been without the threat of the court action), I have offered to drop the other claims which were for other costs, etc.  But my uBPDsis is still pretending not to understand, so I will probably still have to go to court, and it is likely that she will end up paying both our costs and a load of rent as she lived in the main property (despite having her own house) for 2 years, and actively prevented it being sold.  So the nightmare is still going on.  But I would seriously urge you to take legal advice - maybe you already have a family solicitor who can advise regarding the will etc.  As well as getting through the ordeal of the funeral, unless things are clear going forward about who owns your Mum's residence, who has power of attorney etc. you will have an ongoing nightmare.  I would advise you to document everything that is happening, and ask other parties to confirm via email etc. where arrangements have been made, then cancelled, records of conversations etc.  Keep a diary of everything going on.  Your sis sounds worse than mine in many ways, and many people including solicitors told me they thought my sister was mentally ill and I should consider having her declared incompetent and removed as an executor of the will so I could sort out the estate.  It sounds to me as though your sister is clearly not competent even to help you organise a funeral, and so this may be something you should consider.  I hope I haven't depressed or scared you with my comments.  The positive thing to remember is - you can get through this - but in my case I couldn't do it on my own.  I needed advice from good professionals who could help me - and once I spoke to them and realised there was a route through this, although not necessarily quick and easy, but that there was an end to it, I felt so much better, like I was back in control, and strong again.  Once you know the options and what is possible, you have taken the power back, and you can decide what you are going to do.  The emotional side is still hard, no-one wants to have to take these sort of actions against another family member, particularly when you have just lost a parent, and no doubt worry for your Mum, but in my case, my uBPDsis just wasn't capable of being a decent, reasonable person, and she wasn't capable of co-operating in sorting out the estate.  I did lie low for a long time and hope things would just work out, that she would realise how silly it all was, and - even if she hated me - would sort out the estate and then turn her back on me if that's what she wanted.  But she just couldn't deal with any of it, refused to let me do it, and just wanted to spread vile and frankly bizarre stories about me to anyone who would listen.  At some point she crossed a line, wrote something that was so vile that something in me hardened, and I realised I had to get smart - the situation wasn't going to get better or go away.  That's when I sought counsel, just having someone on my side who I knew could help made me feel a lot better and stronger.  Anyway, I wish you well,  and I promise you, terrible though it feels right now - you can get through it.  Best wishes