Mental health crisis, addiction and affair

[Depression = 72% of members]

I really need help. My Husband is undiagnosed bpd. When I joined this group over a year ago he was sober. He is an alcoholic but was sober for 3 1/2. It was when he told me he wanted a divorce last year out of nowhere that I realized that he was likely BPD. I have know him for 27 years and been married for 21. We have two sons 10 and 14.  I have always know that there was something going on with him emotionally and that his mental health was unstable. I see now the patterns and also wonder if it bipolar disorder.

He started drinking again in January and it brought him to a place where after about Halloween, he became very depressed. He basically stopped functioning and wouldn’t get out of bed. I realized he was drinking all day long. He would cry all the time and was very childlike. He just wanted me to hold him, which I did for awhile. I tried everything I could to comfort and encourage him. He got so bad that he reached out to his previous therapist. We had a call with her together because he was in a major mental health crisis and wanting to die. She told him he had to reach out to his doctor and get on some antidepressants. I set up a video appointment and his doctor put him on Prozac.

I was taking care of him, taking him to see his therapist and administering medications. He was supposed to be stepping down his alcohol use slowly with Xanax so that he didn’t have withdrawals. He was lying and hiding alcohol. He was in a full fledged addiction crisis along with the mental health crisis.

I got pretty fed up finally and really let him have it. I told him he was being childish and selfish and he needed to stop. At first he said that I was right. Then he wanted me to admit what was wrong with me and what I had done that was bad. I was stunned at the level of emotional manipulation.

A few days later he drove drunk with our son in the car. He hasn’t been driving at all but I couldn’t take our son and so my husband said he could do it and wanted to do it. When he got home with him drunk I confront him and told him he needed to wake up and get help.

He moved out the next morning. We have an Airbnb  rental house so he went there. I knew from past experience that he would drink himself to near death there. When he left he told me I was a bitch and he was done with me and never wanted to speak to me again.

I was in contact with his doctor and many friends and trying to get him help because I knew how serious it was. After two days his doctor called the crisis hotline and the sheriff removed him from the house and took him to the hospital to detox. The doctor had him involuntary committed because he told her he wanted to die.

The first night he was in the hospital, his phone rang around 9:00. I checked it and realized that he had been having an affair with a mom of one of my 10 year old sons friends. I was devastated. It was basically why he had chosen to go to the other house so that he could see her freely. It hadn’t been going on long because they first met on Nov 9 when I was out of town for work. She had reached out to me to see if our son could come with her son and another boy. I arranged for my husband to take him and shared the mom’s number with him. I think that it was mostly emotional because he was so needy and wanted so much attention. There were lots of phone calls. He had been in this major self pity hole. All of his friends were basically in agreement that he was wallowing in self pity with no real attempts to get out of his situation.

So anyway he has been in the hospital detoxing from alcohol and I got him lined up to go a mental health and rehabilitation facility from there. He has been saying that he wanted to quit drinking before he went off the deep end and to the other house. Yesterday was the first time I was really able to talk to him in the hospital and he basically told me that he didn’t want to stop drinking and he thought that was why we needed to get a divorce because we wanted “different things”. Ie he wants to continue to drink and I am wrong or controlling for wanting him to stop.

I was stunned by this and had also been just sick over the whole situation. I had known about the affair for a day and a half and just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I told him I knew about the affair. He didn’t attempt to deny it. He didn’t really say anything. I said, aren’t you even going to say you are sorry?  He said I am sorry I had an affair but you know you have been emotionally unavailable to me for awhile. So in other words the affair was my fault because I didn’t meet his insatiable need for attention.

So now I don’t know what to do. If he refuses to go into a treatment facility he will be released in a day or two. He wants to come home for Christmas but he is so unstable I don’t think that is fair to me or our boys.

Obviously there is a whole lot going on here with the addiction and affair but it is also the most mentally unstable I have ever seen him in 27 years. I really feel like he is having a mental breakdown but no one seems to be able to do anything. His therapist quit checking in and told me that he needs a higher level of care. The psychiatrist at the hospital will not call and talk to me even though I’ve asked twice. But the nurse told me yesterday the doctor is recommending outpatient rehab for his addiction. They are not addressing the mental health crisis.  His doctor has been great but she’s just a general practitioner and really can’t do anything else. If he doesn’t get help he’s going to get out and drink himself to death or commit suicide. He’s talked about it many times and even told me that he took a rope once out in the woods with the intention of hanging himself but didn’t go through with it. He was sober then.

What can I do to get help for this horrible situation? . I don’t know if our marriage will survive but right now I’m really trying to keep him alive and no one seems to be able to help or recognize that this is more than alcohol abuse.

[Searchingforhelp]

I really need help. My Husband is undiagnosed bpd. When I joined this group over a year ago he was sober. He is an alcoholic but was sober for 3 1/2. It was when he told me he wanted a divorce last year out of nowhere that I realized that he was likely BPD. I have know him for 27 years and been married for 21. We have two sons 10 and 14.  I have always know that there was something going on with him emotionally and that his mental health was unstable. I see now the patterns and also wonder if it bipolar disorder.

He started drinking again in January and it brought him to a place where after about Halloween, he became very depressed. He basically stopped functioning and wouldn’t get out of bed. I realized he was drinking all day long. He would cry all the time and was very childlike. He just wanted me to hold him, which I did for awhile. I tried everything I could to comfort and encourage him. He got so bad that he reached out to his previous therapist. We had a call with her together because he was in a major mental health crisis and wanting to die. She told him he had to reach out to his doctor and get on some antidepressants. I set up a video appointment and his doctor put him on Prozac.

I was taking care of him, taking him to see his therapist and administering medications. He was supposed to be stepping down his alcohol use slowly with Xanax so that he didn’t have withdrawals. He was lying and hiding alcohol. He was in a full fledged addiction crisis along with the mental health crisis.

I got pretty fed up finally and really let him have it. I told him he was being childish and selfish and he needed to stop. At first he said that I was right. Then he wanted me to admit what was wrong with me and what I had done that was bad. I was stunned at the level of emotional manipulation.

A few days later he drove drunk with our son in the car. He hasn’t been driving at all but I couldn’t take our son and so my husband said he could do it and wanted to do it. When he got home with him drunk I confront him and told him he needed to wake up and get help.

He moved out the next morning. We have an Airbnb  rental house so he went there. I knew from past experience that he would drink himself to near death there. When he left he told me I was a bitch and he was done with me and never wanted to speak to me again.

I was in contact with his doctor and many friends and trying to get him help because I knew how serious it was. After two days his doctor called the crisis hotline and the sheriff removed him from the house and took him to the hospital to detox. The doctor had him involuntary committed because he told her he wanted to die.

The first night he was in the hospital, his phone rang around 9:00. I checked it and realized that he had been having an affair with a mom of one of my 10 year old sons friends. I was devastated. It was basically why he had chosen to go to the other house so that he could see her freely. It hadn’t been going on long because they first met on Nov 9 when I was out of town for work. She had reached out to me to see if our son could come with her son and another boy. I arranged for my husband to take him and shared the mom’s number with him. I think that it was mostly emotional because he was so needy and wanted so much attention. There were lots of phone calls. He had been in this major self pity hole. All of his friends were basically in agreement that he was wallowing in self pity with no real attempts to get out of his situation.

So anyway he has been in the hospital detoxing from alcohol and I got him lined up to go a mental health and rehabilitation facility from there. He has been saying that he wanted to quit drinking before he went off the deep end and to the other house. Yesterday was the first time I was really able to talk to him in the hospital and he basically told me that he didn’t want to stop drinking and he thought that was why we needed to get a divorce because we wanted “different things”. Ie he wants to continue to drink and I am wrong or controlling for wanting him to stop.

I was stunned by this and had also been just sick over the whole situation. I had known about the affair for a day and a half and just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I told him I knew about the affair. He didn’t attempt to deny it. He didn’t really say anything. I said, aren’t you even going to say you are sorry?  He said I am sorry I had an affair but you know you have been emotionally unavailable to me for awhile. So in other words the affair was my fault because I didn’t meet his insatiable need for attention.

So now I don’t know what to do. If he refuses to go into a treatment facility he will be released in a day or two. He wants to come home for Christmas but he is so unstable I don’t think that is fair to me or our boys.

Obviously there is a whole lot going on here with the addiction and affair but it is also the most mentally unstable I have ever seen him in 27 years. I really feel like he is having a mental breakdown but no one seems to be able to do anything. His therapist quit checking in and told me that he needs a higher level of care. The psychiatrist at the hospital will not call and talk to me even though I’ve asked twice. But the nurse told me yesterday the doctor is recommending outpatient rehab for his addiction. They are not addressing the mental health crisis.  His doctor has been great but she’s just a general practitioner and really can’t do anything else. If he doesn’t get help he’s going to get out and drink himself to death or commit suicide. He’s talked about it many times and even told me that he took a rope once out in the woods with the intention of hanging himself but didn’t go through with it. He was sober then.

What can I do to get help for this horrible situation? . I don’t know if our marriage will survive but right now I’m really trying to keep him alive and no one seems to be able to help or recognize that this is more than alcohol abuse.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ms2002]

Hello, my ex-bpd did the same with for 2 months and my therapist gave me a little tip and it did work. I sent her a mail (my phone was blocked) at the end of the mail, I told her this would be the last message without response. Apparently, this boundary worked for me, I don't know if anybody else experienced the same  result as me. She replied the next day and she unblocked my number. Since this, we communicate a lot but we're not back together. Prepare yourself, she told me she had a boyfriend during our breakup but it was already over...

[Cat Familiar]

I would try to contact the psychiatrist again. Outpatient will be worthless if he doesn’t want to quit drinking. Don’t be afraid of being a pest. Call multiple times a day. You don’t want your husband home in this condition.